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I Cant Believe

Posts: 50
Joined: June 11, 2008

Posted: May 18, 2020, 7:16 AM
I cant believe its been 12 years since I first created this account.
12 years and very little has changed.
12 years!!!

Oh my God.

I remember sitting at work posting on this forum, and my boss is sitting next to me probably reading the things I'm writing and I'm to oblivious to my surroundings to even know.
I thought I was so clever. Making debt, selling my things, staying out of work.
Today I have a bad credit record, I cant buy a house. I sold my car a few months back cause I was high and wanted money - that brings the total to 3 cars in the past 15 years sold because of drugs.

Its very sad.

I have never been able to go more than 1 year clean and sober. There was once when I almost made a year. Usually I go months but never more and its been that way since the beggining.

I cheat on my wife, I stay away from home, I do all kinds of crap and the list goes on.

I have been to rehad probably 6+ times, been at NA and had one on one councillors.
I have prayed I have begged I have tried to kill myself I have quit over and over and over again.

I'm turning 40 next year and have been drinking and using drugs since about 15 years old.

I just want to find a job, keep it for years and rebuild my life.
I know all the material things can be bought again and I can maybe make a friend or 2 and
have a sense of worth.

I just want to be happy.

I have a son now, his going to be 2
I have 4 daughters.
It makes me sad to be such a poor role model and to be of very little use to them.
When I'm sober and clean we go hiking and beach and have fun and I am good.
Me and my wife also have some memories, like ballroom dancing and eating out

Right now its tough because I dont have a job.
I made a arrogant and immature choice last year between 2 job offers and lost the wrong choice december.
Now I sit without work and no one is hiring because of covid19.

I feel sad.

Mornings when I wake up I think of the rope and at night when I lay down to sleep i think of the rope.

The past months my whole life has been playing over in my mind all my bad choices all the things i've done all the times i had a oppertunity and things went good. Its been hell having to think of all this.

I havent used or drunk since I think March 2020, so im about 80 days clean and sober.

Doesnt change what I've done and that today I am a deadbeat loser who has ruined his reputation and is a social outcast who has always been a f*** up and will never amount to nothing.

wow this feel good to get all this out

i'm a dissapointment to my mother, my sister, my family, my later father, my wife my children and my employers and self

i am a loser

i dream of a world where i have enough money to buy a farm and build a nice house and also buy property and live in comfort without the stress and pain of my loser life where Daddy is a hero and we have all the nice things in life where i have all my things back that i sold and more

i dont pray like i use to
i dont read the bible or motivation like i use to
i dont believe like i use to
even motivational things that once insprired me i dont believe

i tried and everything i did always brought me back to nothing.
so how am i suppose to believe
we as a family dont even pray anymore
reading a motivational message at birthdays and praying has stopped.

its all my fault
its all drugs fault
ita all alcohols fault
its all my fault


Posts: 4174
Joined: July 18, 2006

Posted: May 21, 2020, 3:31 PM
Hello, Nylrem.
Well, sounds like you've hit a few bottoms and made alot of promises to yourself and others with little success.
Sounds like you need new a Higher Power... The one you've got now is keeping you in bondage--i.e., alcohol.
If you want to quit drinking and can't, maybe there's a program for that: People that have been where you've been and done what you've done. And lived through it to find a new freedom and a new happiness..
Just a thought.


Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation.

Posted: October 11, 2020, 12:06 PM
Anyone that can write so elegantly like that is not a loser. You got skills and I have been and thought all you have. I am making it so will you. I hope your well my friend. I feel your a brother to me reading your post. I don't care if you stopped praying as much I'm gonna pray right now for you.

Posts: 76
Joined: October 6, 2019

Posted: October 11, 2020, 3:13 PM
80 days clean and sober is great. You know we can't change the past but we can stop it from affecting our lives today. I know the feeling of bad days and that's when you should really be careful 'cause that's when we are vulnerable and close to relapse. These days of frustration are really testing our stamina and integrity. I suggest keeping a diary and exercise. We must treat ourselves like a best friend would. We all let down our family and friends at some point but that doesn't make us any less worthy of care and love. Review the 12 steps and come back to share your thoughts with us.
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