Reassurance
Posted: February 23, 2017, 12:37 PM


Posts: 96
Joined: November 13, 2015



hello everyone. I could use a little reassurance. My heart says one thing & my mind says another. My daughter has been in and out of rehabs for the last couple of years. Her last time was this time last year. She did great until a couple weeks ago. Each time she relapses it gets worse, then each time she goes into recovery she makes it a little longer then the last time.We are both learning our boundaries & the Do's and Don'ts. This time her rehab has suggested a new place for her to start over. She doesn't want to go. To me it's a no brainer that you take the help wherever you can get it. To her it's starting over and putting the work in again & she doesn't have the strength. I had to tell her today that she can't come home & that if she makes unhealthy choices, I can no longer be part of her life. Those words are killing me, but I know that if she has any chance at recovery that this is what I need to do. This is so very hard.
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Posted: February 23, 2017, 7:27 PM


Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi Tp, Sorry to hear your going through this again with your daughter. But your doing the right thing. How long was she clean for? I hope she misses being clean and gets in touch with the rehab and tries again. Good luck TP. Mary.đź’›

This post has been edited by Mandm on February 24, 2017, 12:27 AM
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Posted: February 24, 2017, 10:37 AM


Posts: 96
Joined: November 13, 2015



TY for your kind words. So far she is only clean 20 days. The rehab she is at wants to move her. I am not sure why they want to do that, but I am trusting them. My daughter wants to stay there & says it's too soon to move her again. I'm praying they figure it out & she doesn't go back to the street. This is all so sad. The normal mind would just go where ever there is help & they are safe, the addict mind doesn't think that way. I find out today what they have decided. I am praying.
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Posted: February 24, 2017, 3:49 PM


Posts: 639
Joined: April 4, 2016



Sending warm hugs TP . . . So glad that your baby got some clean time. . . so sorry that she relapsed. . . but you know that that is par for the course. The best news is even though she may have fell off the horse, she wants to and is actually battling to get back on.

I'm sorry. I'm confused . . .the rehab thinks that if she changes locations she will do better? Is this because in the new locale she won't know any dealers or where to go? Or is there a different rationale? Is the new facility longer term? Or better in some way? Or is insurance requiring a change? How far away are they suggesting? Why would they be pushing this if she is visibly uncomfortable with it? Please ask a few more questions of the rehab.

I remember my daughter saying something about if you relapse, insurance will not pay for you to return to the same detox/rehab . . .the scene of the crime, so to speak. Insurance believes that the reason one relapses is because that program did not work (for you). So, they require the relapsed addict to go somewhere new and different. If this is the case, the rehab needs to explain this . . . .

I think you are doing the absolute right thing by telling her she can't come home . . . if your desire is to stop enabling . . . or you want to disengage with love.. .or to maintain your sanity. . . or to stop participating in or having knowledge of her making unhealthy choices. I know these are your motives. So . . .you go girl!!!

Praying that all works out & she makes good decisions.
Lynn
xoxo

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on February 24, 2017, 4:09 PM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: February 24, 2017, 4:09 PM


Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016



from my point of view(addict) she is trying which is so important, be scared when she wont even contemplate recovery but now she is clean 20 days and this is good, she is trying and trust me its not easy, not at all otherwise we would all stop and never look back but its struggle, daily struggle .. why they want to move her i dont understand as well when she is doing good, why interfere , meddle and make her move,adding extra problems now when she is at her most vulnerable ? Could be that she made friendship with few others who are not doing so well and they think moving her away is for her own benefit? Wherever she goes if she wants to use she will, usually it takes us very short time to meet others and buy drugs so i hope they are not suggesting move for this reason? Anyhow people here are really nice and supportive and they will be here for you!
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Posted: February 25, 2017, 11:50 AM


Posts: 1746
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hi - find out why they want to move her. maybe there is some reason - medical - not participating - unfavorable interaction with someone else.... ya never know what they are telling you is the truth or lie.... A good reason might be - to sober living, where a job is available....
The addict tends to want to stay where they are comfortable. maybe she is too comfortable.
they also know how to get kicked out, but will tell you they are doing everything perfectly, and the staff is harassing them!

On the other hand, not all places are a good match. my son went to one sober living where it seemed to him that they were collecting the rent, but not helping with life skills or getting a job, every man for himself. Then, a year later, he went to a different sober living where they really helped with support and job and community living together. It was a good fit, but after a few months, my son did not like the rules... etc... he did have a job and rented a room, but then got back in with socializing w addicts.... although my son does not like the rules - he is not able to avoid temptation when left on his own.

conclusion - some places are good, some are not, you usually wont know, until she has been thru it. The fact that your daughter is having longer periods of recovery - that is good. Just keep verbally supporting her, and financially putting the issues back in her hands.

Personally, I think my son would do well in long term sober living - where he can work, save $$, have support and less stress..... but hey - that is all of our wishes -- day dreaming!
If they all did what is good for them, they would not be in this situation!


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Posted: February 27, 2017, 7:17 PM


Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017



Hi Tp
I'm going through the same thing. My son just came out the detox agiain and looking for another rehab. He uses the rehabs and detox facialty like hotels. I can't and won't let him live with me. He says so many different things that I am so confused. One min he don't use the next throng is that has last week but only zanax. I no longer know what to believe. This is not easy not a bit. But I have to stay strong cause I know if he comes back to live with me it won't work. He says he'll do good get a job do the 12 steps. What makes me believe that. He won't look for a job or do good for himself to help himself. Staying with me will just make him lazy and expect me to do everything for him. My brain works right but it has not quite found its way to my heart. But I'm trying. He has convinced me for a long time that it was and is my fault or his dads that I'm having a hard time coming back from that. Stay strong your doing the right thing. We have to function cause we have others too that need us. Will keep you in my prays. Keep us posted.


Dee
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Posted: February 27, 2017, 7:56 PM


Posts: 1746
Joined: June 27, 2016



Dee - replying to what you posted - your son uses rehab like hotels, and you dont know what to believe.... THAT is why we have to start saving ourselves. If we let them boss us around, we would be a mess, out of a job and on the street with them! LOL

We cant figure out the truth. and we go to crazy land and back, trying to!
my son also has said that he wasnt using drugs because pain meds arent drugs they are legal, and then he is confused that the pain meds ruined his life - but idk if he knows the pain meds did that - he thinks everything is bad luck....

I dont think my son is very bright - or - he does not want me to think that hes not....

only they know the truth and they wont tell you. and it does not even make sense to them when they are telling it. It just sounds good to say it!

I used to wonder - when he told me a lie, if I believed him, did that make it not a lie?


This past Sept - my son does not live near home, so that is helps to be able to detach -- any way, he was not keeping up with rent, said his job was giving him less hours, everything was bad and not working out. Here's what he came up with --- he was using at this time -- he wanted to apply for health insurance so he could go back to a rehab facility where he would get 3 meals a day - and there was a chef to do the cooking. so he would not have to cook for himself. Really!? I stopped caring about whether he had health insurance. I was not going to participate in that.

my son's problems were always, need money for food and gas. at times - about 3 years ago - I gave enough to feed a family!! I even asked him if he had a secret family bc he was spending a full time paycheck and still could not pay his bills - he said it all went to food and gas.

Knowing what I know today, it takes very little food to feed an addict. They dont eat 3x a day!

Like some others on this board have said - its his circus - not mine to figure out!

we got to the point with our son, we said go to a shelter or go to sober living.

Concerning your son - he does not like your suggestions - he just wants to do it HIS way. keep telling him - as you are doing - make it simple for him -- shelter or sober living. get a job - even a part time job - just enough to pay rent and food.

anything more than that is too complicated.

If you are "dead to him" - good - maybe he will stay off your back for a few days.

You said in another post - that you would hid things and lock things up -- US too!! Got so tired of locking the closet, forgetting where I put things, couldnt have anything nice out, and so on. at one point I did not wear jewelry for years.

They dont even know that they are being mean to us. Later if they are clean for a long time, they sometimes apologize. so dont feel bad about hurting his feelings.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 27, 2017, 8:02 PM
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 4:10 PM


Posts: 96
Joined: November 13, 2015



Hi Everyone. Thank you so much for all the replies. When I had first posted this, my daughter told me she felt like she was being thrown to the wolves. I have to say I felt the same way, but I told her she has the tools & I have faith that she will make healthy choices. I figured she is going to sink or swim & she has to do it on her own. Well she's been there 2 wks & she has a lot of support from the people in her house. She just started a job today, got a sponsor & goes to IOP. She has been here before, I just pray that this time she stays clean/sober. One day at a time & one prayer at a time.
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 4:25 PM


Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016



I am so glad to hear someone is doing well. I hope your daughter stays on track. Sounds good so far! I will keep my fingers crossed...

--------------------
BUGS
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 4:39 PM


Posts: 96
Joined: November 13, 2015



Thank you. I am trying to stay positive & concentrate on keeping myself in a good place. I'm not any good to anyone if I am in a bad place.
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 5:04 PM


Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016



exactly you being sick is no good , take good care of yourself. I am glad for your daughter having clean time and fingers cross she stays that way!
'all the best ... :)
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 5:14 PM


Posts: 1746
Joined: June 27, 2016



pascal - if your daughter continues to do well in the sober living environment. encourage her to stay there as long as possible. my son did well in a sober living for 5 months until he decided he could do it on his own, and he didnt like the rules and curfew and he could rent a room for less $.
problem was - the rent was for the room - no internet or tv access. and no support of program and others to hang out with and cook with and go to store...
so even though it sounded good to rent a room, it was not a good idea.
He soon relapsed. and struggled for another 5 months.
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 9:08 PM


Posts: 12
Joined: February 27, 2017



This story really made me feel a little better.. I have 2 yes 2 heroin addicted kids 25 and 26 both homeless and now fighting amongst themselves.. I am to the point to where I have had to power to my phone off. Found out tonight that my son sold a guitar he was loaned by the preacher at my church during one of his clean spells this past Christmas... Now I feel like I can't even go to church what can I say.. I can't say those words to in front of my church family without losing what composure I have left. I am sooo mad right now I can't even catch my breath... Why oh Why did I expect anything different.. My son's last text I read said he was headed down to the river and that's where they will find his body.. All I could do is say well son if you want to kill yourself then I will bury you... OMG did I really say that... Yes, I did and if he does do that I will not be able to live with myself.. But I have been through 300 text messages today on my only day off trying to diffuse the situation with the 2 of them and I just can't take it anymore!!!! I can't even bring myself to get up from the table and get my shower.. I am frozen with fear.
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 10:07 PM


Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017



Madmama
I so sorry your going through this times 2. I've been in this battle with my son too. He doesn't use heroine anymore from what he says with he uses Zanax and other prescription drugs. He sells them and everything else he finds. He has robbed and was homeless, cold and dirty. He said the same things to me. Don't cry at my funeral, and that he's gonna have all his friends (addicts) speak of me at the funeral so everyone will know what a lying sack of shut mother I am. Just the other day I had to tell him that if he dies I will cremate him. I will not and can not spend 10-12 thousand dollars on a funeral for him. I meant that.!!! He then said he don't have me as his emergency contact. Go figure. If I passed away I will be cremated as well because my kids need the money to finish school and I wouldn't want them to have to ask people for money so yes I will be cremated. I know to some people it's a hard thing to hear but it's the truth. So he threw that in my face today cause he keep over stepping the boundaries I've set and never listens to anything I say so I don't want to have any conversations with him. Really tired of hearing how much he made selling instead of using. Glad he's not using but selling!!!! Lord I don't want any other parent or family memeber feel the pain and despair that I'm feeling. Today he told me that he can't have me in his life no more cause I make him use. I told him to block my number. He don't like who I've become and he still won't look for a job. One excuse after another. So I'm done with it and I'm leaving it all in Gods hands. I pray to God every night asking him not to take my son take me instead. I would give my life for my son to get the proper help. He had done so good in the past but he thinks if he don't use heroine then he's clean. The meds are prescribed. But he didn't tell the doc. That he's an addict and that he's on methadone. So not one line I've learned no matter in your home or out they will continue to do what they want dispite what you want need feel. So please pray and let them figure it out. They must choose homelife boundaries or outside tragedies. I will pray for you and you sons. Stay here keep posting your not bothering us. I've learned so much in such a short period of time. Listen to and take their advice.



Dee

This post has been edited by DeeA723 on March 9, 2017, 10:09 PM
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 10:27 PM


Posts: 12
Joined: February 27, 2017



Dee,

Thanks for your response! I have figured that between my daughter who is 26 and my son who is 25 that if because I won't pay for this or pay for that makes me a piece of sh#t mother then I will from now on gladly wear that hat. I got so much help from the letter from an addict every single thing in that was true! I even sent that letter to both of them and filled names as if it was them writing it to me and I got no response... It is soooo sad and unbelievable. I never said I hate you or ever said a cuss word in my mother's presence let alone give her a hateful cussing. I just have the biggest problem relieving myself of the guilt I feel thinking I had to have went wrong somewhere... Although I know everyone says it is not my fault.... I will be glad when I am able to actually convince myself. I too will praying for you and your son as well.. Although it will be from home and not church since I still don't know how I am going to face my preacher and tell him that the guitar he so gracefully loaned my son is gone forever....

Hang in there my friend!
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Posted: March 10, 2017, 9:55 AM


Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017



Nytoflorida
Yes hid stuff, gave him to much money. I don't trust him as far I can throw him and that's not far. Lol. I'm done with it all. He bounces back like a rubber ball while I'm still trying to get about ground. I don't listen to him no more and when he starts to talk I tell him it's not my business and I don't want to know. Funny are all addicts so talkative. He can talk for 4 hours without breathing. Yes rehabs are hotels for him winter in wants in spring and summer he wants out. Never getting better. His only quote is I'm doing the things I'm doing is because he's homeless. Crazy sorry sad world he's living in. I will continue to pray for my son, but I think he should invite God back into his life instead of blaming him for all his bad luck. They don't realize the hell they are putting us through!!! Sad thing I think my son feels I deserve it. He'll say God awful things to me them hours later call like nothing ever happened. Can't wait till I have vacation I'm getting away and for the first time I'm going to enjoy it. Hopefully sounds crazy when I say it. I've gone on vacation before and cried most of the time worried most of the time it was horrible. So hopefully with the help of you all I've learned so much and looking forward to learning more and to get much stronger. Have a beautiful day.


Dee
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Posted: March 10, 2017, 10:45 AM


Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016



Dee--

My son has done the exact stuff-- say horrific things and called us vile names and then a month later act like he never did anything wrong. He blames God and everyone around him for his bad lot in life.

Haven't heard from him for 3 months and then he texts saying he has a job and is paying today on his 38 day late car title loan he took out without a job! I will believe that when I see it!

He also text--" Does everyone know something I don't know cause I have been working my a** off for 2 weeks and can't even support myself?"

Had to laugh cause his dad and I have worked all our lives and finally he works (never held a job before and he is 46) for 2 weeks and is crying and complaining about not getting ahead!!!! haha!!

Stay strong!!

(((HUGS))) Lori
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Posted: March 10, 2017, 10:57 AM


Posts: 1746
Joined: June 27, 2016



dutchess - thats sooooo funny...... pardon my giggles.....

Same here. my son had worked full time for years and avoids paying bills - like its his $ and should not have to give it to anyone (oh except the drug dealers - thats ok *sarcasm*).
bills are to be avoided at all costs!

he's coming back, after two years being away in various stages of recovery.
he has a job lined up. we are holding our breath that it works out. but pessimistic bc he was not successful at being independent even while working for 8 months last year.

I know he has stuff to pay - loans and credit cards - he is not going to be happy when he gets paychecks and $$ has to go to bring that bad credit current.....

We are giving him this chance, but will not fall for the crap in the past.
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Posted: March 10, 2017, 1:30 PM


Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016



Well just got another text saying this--

"I have to pay $275 to cart title loan and $175 to keep my apartment(didn't know he had one cause last we knew was living in his car) and then need food and gas for the week and my paycheck is only $325 what am i to do i work 40 hours a week?"

I know he is fishing and won't do any good cause I am not giving him one red cent.

Don't know if i should even respond or what to respond?

I worked 2 jobs for years just to put food on the table and my husband through school and went without many things to feed him and the other kids.

Just saying--- Lori
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