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Crisis Update


Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018


Posted: September 10, 2020, 10:59 PM
NY2FL - we paid for a men's sober living house for about 6 months for my son. The owner worked at a rehab & had retired. The sober living house was just opening & my son was the only resident so that was problematic for my sober. Meeting were 40 mins away & then my son was home, alone in his lonely sober living apt. BUT, it did help. Son had a roof over his head & was able to move forward. He is doing very well now. He's found the place he needs to be. He's happy & at peace & he's making a new life for himself in an area far, far away from his druggie friends


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Posted: September 11, 2020, 7:51 PM
Hi I think a sober living home is a no brainer.
Inexpensive . Transition time that can hopefully be low stress while getting life together. My son is not sold on the idea. He has lived in that situation before . for the past year or more has lived with others, he wants to live alone. But soon he would be lonely! (Sigh). One step at a time. Last year we were not able to get him into the door of the hospital. This year he has worked for a recovery center, has figured out how to live at a shelter, and has gone to detox on his own and considering a longer stay.

Good to hear your son is doing well. I know it’s is possible, they just have to get to the point where they want to change it. I am sure it isn’t easy. It is amazing how strong the drugs are and how quickly they ruin a person’s life!

Hope you and your husband are doing well mtnmom!

My son’s birthday is coming up. I was going to send him a package, but a week ago he emailed and said he might go to a rehab for a month. So I didn’t anything, and now feel awkward about it. We will have to call him on his birthday, but his dad was very mean to him a month ago. After he spent unemployment money and the asked me for money!

Why does this all have to be so difficult !



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Joined: December 23, 2018


Posted: September 18, 2020, 9:31 AM
NY2FL - I think it boils down to THEY have to make the decision of where they want to be. Full of excuses for everything & denial of how bad their addiction is. "If only".... was what we were told a lot. He didn't need rehab, he needed a job. Got a job, lasted 1 day. Excuses about excuses....


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Joined: June 27, 2016


Posted: October 29, 2020, 3:00 PM

Another link to interesting addiction resources:

https://www.aspenridgerecoverycenter...ctions-to-kick/



Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020


Posted: October 30, 2020, 12:43 PM
Nytoflorida I am sorry to here about your continued crisis. It just seems to be that we are on a bad rollercoaster ride that just won't stop. The way they manipulate and get what they want weather it be money,rides,housing,food or just to get you off their back for a while is hard to deal with. They are so selfish. And it hurts every time we get pulled in and used. Taking a chunk of our confidence every time.They don't seem to give a crap if they hurt you ,use you,or lie and make you feel like you can't trust your own gut feelings. We love them so much we destroy ourselves trying to be good parents. I don't have any advice to give but put yourself first.easy to say much harder to do especially if you are the mom. Women naturally want to make sure everyone around them are taken care of and are happy. So it is hard to put yourself first. Seems like we are being selfish but by doing this we ensure that we will be strong enough to hang on to the bars of the rollercoaster. If I know one thing it's that change is always around the corner. Nothing can stay the same. So please take care of yourself first and know that it won't stay like this forever. Good or bad .things keep changing like the loops and hill of the rollercoaster. But just maybe we will come to a straight stretch that will allow us to catch our breath. Sending you strength .


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Joined: June 27, 2016


Posted: November 7, 2020, 12:05 PM
Hi Wednesday - I agree. I got to that point about a 1 1/2 yrs ago. Can not live in the addict's world!

You asked about my daughters. ages are 25 and 27, their brother is 30. They have spent years thinking it isn't bad as we think, and telling us parents to just stop doing things for him or leave him alone, more recently in the past two years, they have been supportive for him to be in recovery, talk to him and encourage him, most recently they are tired of thinking he's going to change and then nothing happens. the older daughter offered for him to relocate near her (but not live with her) where he would a least have a bit of family to do things with, but then over 6 months he has not saved a dollar even though he has had the opportunity, so she said forget it. She does not want the stress of someone not serious about getting better. Our youngest has gotten to the point where her brother's situation is very upsetting and her job is stressful - she works two jobs. I think she is tired of her brother crying about not able to (fill in the blank) while she works two jobs - that she likes, and lives with others in order to afford the rent. she has gone to therapy off and on as needed.

regarding him saving money - he is getting a small part time unemployment amount. It is enough for food, cigs. he claims it is not enough and he is starving and overspends - runs his bank account negative and then pays fees of 35 to 70 dollars. then the next check comes in and half of it goes to fees. He does this week after week. this is where we loose patience. if he only saved $10 a week it would be an improvement. he has lived like that since before being addicted, maybe the addiction has stunted this growth, maybe he will never 'get it' - at this point we need to step away from it until he decides to be 100% in recovery.


This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 7, 2020, 12:22 PM


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Joined: June 27, 2016


Posted: November 7, 2020, 12:26 PM

Found this on YouTube. Might be good for younger audience.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCT8...=emb_ch_name_ex
Lively young woman therapist, talks about many topics concerning addiction.
Youtube channel is called: Put the shovel down.





Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016


Posted: November 7, 2020, 12:29 PM

Technical Medical explaination of addiction:
the brain and recovery: An Update on the Neuroscience of Addiction

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYphZvRHm6Y


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Joined: November 10, 2019


Posted: November 8, 2020, 2:47 PM
Thank you for the helpful links NTF


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Joined: October 21, 2020


Posted: November 11, 2020, 3:03 PM
Thank you for the links nytoflorida. I will check them out. I have had a few bad days in a row ,my husband just got home and I think I slept for 12 hours straight. My son has been back in the drugs for over 10 days now. He won't return my messages but gives his dad a thumbs up every few day on his phone. It has gotten better for us with him not at home but I'm having the scariest dreams lately.and I don't usually remember any dreams. My two daughters are relieved that he is not in our house. My oldest admitted that when he was here and we were wondering if he was back using she would get up in the middle of the night to check on him. This was horrible to hear. She was doing the same thing as me. The trauma of watching him od is nothing I would wish on anyone. I'm very relieved to have mental health services on the go for them. I have also started reading up on PTSD. Talking about their brother and how they feel about things has helped.when they are up for the conversation. I don't like to just stop talking about him as if he was never in our lives. We all miss his very much. Now that he is Out There Somewhere in our town again I start to think I see him every where. Anyone in a hoodie. I ask the girls way to many times " is that your brother " it seems to get really bad for me when I have not heard from him in a week. Then I really start to get on edge,nervous,can't sleep. If I don't keep busy I start thinking of very bad things. Basically thinking he is dead somewhere. The toxic drugs in my community are very deadly and this is a real possibility for my son. Although it has not stopped him from continuing to use them. I just wish I could walk away from all this. I wish it wasn't so hard for me to disassociate from him . He came from inside me ,it seems so wrong to ask a mother to have to do this . But I was my own person before him and I must find myself again. I will be no good for anyone including myself if I don't put myself first. Something that seems foreign to me . I'm the classic mama bear and have enjoyed every minute of it until drugs came into our lives. I have given my everything to give my kids a happy healthy upbringing. Something I did not have as a child and had at an early age decided that I would never end up like that. But here I am stuck in the middle of what I have tried so hard to avoid. How the f#### did that happen? Sending strength and healing energy to everyone going through the ups and downs of this . 🐝


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Posted: November 11, 2020, 9:33 PM
I get that way too when I have not heard from my son after a few weeks. I don’t want to hear from him cause he will hint that he needs money. Then , I worry when I don’t hear from him. It is exhausting and annoying that so much time and energy goes in to this. Sometimes I start to feel scared for no reason. Holidays coming up. That makes it all worse. What to do, what to not do. Relieved when holidays are over. Lately I wonder what our conversations would be like if we didn’t have addiction over shadowing every thought and action for the past many years.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 11, 2020, 9:35 PM


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Posted: November 12, 2020, 1:31 PM
just had this thought - wanted to share:
I was thinking about my son, about a few details of his life choice, about how he could get himself out of this, I felt tears of anger that he is not doing the steps he needs to do (ie - save $, even if he needs to eat cereal for a week at a time) then my thought goes to the fact that he must not want to get out of the shelter and be independent and responsible for paying his way in life. I realize these tears of anger are one of the things that have motivated me over my life time. I feel a strong emotion about something, I command my self to do something about it. My next thought is that perhaps my son does not have this strong emotion that wills him to change his life, actions. At times when my son has been newly sober he has stated that he wishes he could cry, that he does not feel emotion. This is a symptom of the drugs/addiction. and may take months or years to get it back. There are several names for this. Conclusion: It could be that our addicted loved ones do not get to that emotional point in accessing their situation. maybe the craving is stronger and wins the battle of wills of the day. I have heard this in different ways - loss of passion, loss of emotions, what's the point attitude...


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Posted: November 17, 2020, 9:37 PM
Addiction- the pain that keeps on giving

I am realizing that a sentimental item from my grandparents is missing. Have not seen the item in many years. One of those things that u don’t see all the time, but you are pretty sure you know where it is. Nope, not there. I have looked in a few spots, basement, attic, I’m about 90% sure it isn’t here. Maybe it will turn up, maybe it won’t.


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Posted: November 18, 2020, 12:59 AM
I understand what you are saying NTF, makes a lot of sense. I think too, in my daughter's case, being sober and being in recovery is too much work. Having a job doesn't sound appealing either. The lifestyle of addiction seems easier in some twisted way. Maybe she doesn't want to grow up? It's like life is for other people but not for her. She has no motivation even though she must be miserable.


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Joined: October 21, 2020


Posted: November 25, 2020, 7:51 PM
I'm finding this lack of motivation in my son very hard to understand as well. I agree with sallyana that it's like another world they don't feel comfortable in. He seems to do the basics but no further. Or great ideas he has but won't follow through with more than minor effort. And nytoflorida things going missing in the house is an awful feeling. Just for your peace of mind get a box at the bank. I had to do that myself and it helped .other wise you feel like you have misplaced everything or you confront your addict and it ends with an argument with bad feelings all around. My son has called and is waiting for a space in treatment again.! And because of the opening up I have done on here and the helping advice I have received I am happy to say I had nothing to do with my son getting things rolling with a treatment space. He did it on his own. And I feel so much better. It confirmed a lot of things I was doing that were not helping him or me. I am able to see things a bit different now. And that in its self has help my strength ,patience,and ability to cope in better ways. Hopefully my lack of helping to much will encourage my sons motivation to do more for himself. 🐝


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Posted: December 14, 2020, 11:43 AM
Wednesday, that is WONDERFUL to hear! Hang tough, that is a positive start! I am so happy I found this message board too! The people on here have helped me tremendously by showing me support & sharing the ugly details about someone they love. Thank you to everyone on here! <3


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Posted: December 21, 2020, 7:44 PM
Sallyanna-dead on-it's like she doesn't want to grow up. But if the person started drinking/drugging in their teens that's their maturity even though an adult. If the drug lifestyle is all she has known since her high school era that's probably where she's at mentally. I've seen here with a sibling, they started drinking and drugging in their teens and as a half century old adult not only do they don't know what to do they frequently sound like a teenager trying to act like an adult. The 'life' isn't just about chemicals it's about everything else associated with it including not taking responsibility or do drugs instead of thinking about/making tough decisions and plans.



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Posted: January 21, 2021, 1:46 AM
I want to share that my son is doing better. He did not want to spend another homeless shelter winter in NY. He made his way to FL and is living at a sober living home. Has a job. Is paying his own rent. A friend from high school was driving to FL. My son said - he pulled up and I got in the car! it turns out the friend is also living at the sober living. I’m a little skeptical that they will both stay sober if or when they leave the sober living. But that is not my problem. I am happy my son has one friend left who is sober and they are doing this together. He has been very alone for the past two years. He is loving the sunshine

It was two years ago that I walked away from the mess. And we kicked him out of the house. He spent months being homeless, went to jail, then rehab, then for the past year was homeless and living at a shelter. I think he finally was tired of the way he was living.

My husband and I are finally living the way we should be, independent of our children and without fear. Too bad we aren’t able to travel bc of COVID!



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Posted: January 22, 2021, 9:00 PM
OH NY2FL!!!! That is fantastic to hear!!!! (((hugs)))) to your son & I wish him peace! Peace & healing Thank you for sharing


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Posted: January 22, 2021, 10:43 PM
Yes great news NTF!
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