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Message Board > Recovery Diaries > A Way Out

Posted by: Nov10th November 11, 2012, 8:55 PM
44 hours No Crack, interesting enough I got a call from a woman I used to hang out with, have not seen in months, she is right down the street, wants to hang out and what do I do, I go, but purposely took no money, I listened to her plan talked about who is doing what, told her I needed to go get some money came home called her and told her I could not do it. Why did I go?
I feel horrible, my behavior haunting me, lonely, all of the above? I'm going to start posting on the recovery diary,spending time reading the posts here seems to be keeping me close to the realities of addiction, I would like to make some friends here.

Posted by: Nov10th November 12, 2012, 10:49 PM
71.5 hours no crack~my flesh was screaming this morning I felt very sick, I have made verbal claims to wanting to stop smoking crack 1000's of times,spending time on these boards reading and posting is a start for me. I have never taken any action in the past, I have had a couple of responces which is so important to me right now, I feel horrible and alone, I am alone a lot, it is very difficult for me to live with the thoughts and memories of destruction to myself and others. It is time for me to stop smoking crack. I so appreciate the participation on these boards. I know I'm not completely alone and the posts here are emotionally moving. As an addict one of my pitfalls is after a few days of stabilization I think i'm OK when I'm very far from OK. The posts here remind me just how much drug addiction is not OK yesterday,today or tommorrow.

Posted by: Nov10th November 14, 2012, 8:07 PM
Hmm! I took a little nap yesterday my body is so exhausted, I woke up hit the door a picked up a hundred and smoked, it was like someone else in control, which I seem to experience a lot. Who is this crack smoker anyhow? Who is this that is backing himself into a corner and once cornered with very few if any options what will that look like? I am determined to find out who this is and eliminate it~ him or what ever. So I start the battle over. I'll take the 3 days as a small victory.

Posted by: Nov10th November 15, 2012, 10:26 PM
I had some really terrible thoughts of what I may or may not due if I were to resume my latest binge, It is fact that Gods grace and mercy has been extended again, with alternatives to some of the actions I had in mind under the influence of crack. There seems to be a pattern here, my breaking point that has the possibilities of a one time full on destructive grand finally blowout and then options, alternative choices not of my doing, I see them as timely possibly supernatural offerings of grace and mercy. I'm feeling that this power and the awe I have for this power,may be the power that trumps the power of crack addiction. It's like Lord your going to save me again from my filth and destruction? It's hard to believe but it's real, I see it,I'm moved deeply by it.