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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Addict Son Still Homeless A Year Later

Posted by: AddictMomMerryGoRound May 18, 2020, 10:28 PM
Today I passed my homeless addict son waiting for the bus. His 24th birthday was last week and he didn’t respond to any of our text messages, but posted his drug use to his social media account. It has been a year since we stopped enabling and made him move out of our home after 4 years of trying to get him sober with rehabs and living with us. My heart still breaks every time I see him. Honestly, I can’t believe he made it the whole year. He has been arrested for trespassing in a vacant home as he tried to stay warm over our cold winter months. I really thought he would have overdosed or be in jail.

He blames us for treating him poorly. We never did enough for him and it is all our fault. Kicking him out was my last resort and I honestly thought if I was strong enough to hold firm and not enable his path would change. But, we are a year later and nothing is different except now we have no contact because he hates us. My anxiety level is better, but there is much sadness. How do you mourn the child that was or could have been?

I have been in therapy for years that has really helped me, but I still want a different outcome. I struggle to accept this is my reality with my son for today.

Posted by: mtnmom May 18, 2020, 11:12 PM
Thanks for sharing your difficult, heartbreaking journey. We (everyone in the chat) feels your page. We are at different stages of standing firm & feeling guilty & broken hearted.

If you hadn't stood your ground for the last year, he would STILL be in the same situation & would still be blaming you. Addicts blame everyone but themselves. My heart hurts for you. Please feel free to share your feelings here. We will not judge & give you suggestions & our experience. I'm sure your post has helped someone who has not yet been able to stop enabling.

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 27, 2020, 12:37 AM
AMMGR - so much of what you said resonates with me. Thank you for sharing. It is very sad for many of us. We made our son move out about a year ago. He has been doing ok, we thought he would be getting a second job, but the second one has not come thru and the part time job has reduced his hours. He is living in a homeless motel since January. Is on a waiting list for housing that might never come thru. The ups and downs are rough. Two weeks ago he was hopeful and planning. Now his hopeful plans have stalled. It has taken him longer to get his life together as a homeless person, than it did in the past when we helped him. Of course the covid issues don’t help. Your son may not want to talk because there isn’t anything positive to say. It is hard. To talk and stay up beat. And then the sadness after the phone call. Probably on both sides.

I understand, we all want a different outcome. And it is grief for the child we lost. Some one called it perpetual grief.

Posted by: Sallyana May 28, 2020, 4:44 AM
Yes, it's very sad and heartbreaking....nothing really feels right...doesn't feel right to help and doesn't feel right to not help. I thought too my daughter would hit "rock bottom" after becoming homeless and losing everything she'd be motivated to take a step in the right direction. No, she has a poly addiction now and her thinking and rationale has taken a nose dive. Addiction is so cruel.

Posted by: AddictMomMerryGoRound June 4, 2020, 7:48 AM
Thanks for the replies! You are so right. Addiction is so cruel and it is a perpetual grief. I had someone recently tell me the sadness I feel is Natural response to a very unnatural circumstance. I am in a constant battle of still wanting to fix the situation for him, but I know nothing I do will actually make a difference as he has to want and work towards a different life.

I admire those people who have fought through the pains of addiction to find a better life. While that does provide some hope I recognize there are also those with addiction who will never be able to break the chains.

The pains of being a parent to an addict are very intense, especially after you are in it for years.

Posted by: GoodKarma July 20, 2020, 10:02 AM
Thanks for sharing. Your post really helps me. My son is in the same situation. He has spent the majority of the last 5-years in and out of jail for theiving, assults, possession of drugs and burglary tools, list goes on and on. I actually want to get a copy of his criminal record so I really know what he has been up too.
Well he got out of jail on June 12, 2020. Found a welders job on June 18. First job he has had since November 20, 2017. Went on a mini vacation with me on June 19 thru 22, started job on June 23. We celebrated his birthday on June 28th, he is 27 years old. Every thing seemed perfect. He was getting paid every week. He paid his father back $500 that he owed him which was a suprise. Then Saturday July 18, 2020 he disappeared.
So we are heartbroken. We have decided that we wont take calls from jails and he will not be let back in the house. I know he will be back in jail within 60-days, they will keep him for 6 months, charges will miraculously disappear and they will release him. That is his pattern. I feel like a bad parent. I am angry I can't help him and I have to let him go. I hate that he steals from people and hurts people. I am tiered of the judicial system just slapping his hands and setting him free. I am so angry that the loving kid that I raised got involved with opiates, meth, etc. I am sorry that the police have to routinely deal with my son because he no longer has the sense to do the right thing. So angry right now.

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 20, 2020, 2:00 PM
Good karma, I feel a lot like you do. We have actively been helping out son for the past 5 or more years - which ever way we thought would help. He seems to be doing ok for a few months clean and after getting a few paychecks he does not stay clean for long. After this recent time, the feeling of disappointment is heavy. The realization that this might not change is setting in. And disbelief. How did this happen. I feel sad for my son. I know he does not want the life he has. He wants to live like the rest of us. But he has been unable to put the past behind him.

Posted by: mtnmom July 22, 2020, 10:13 AM
Good Karma - I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Just remember these are your sons decisions. If loving someone enough & helping them make good choices changes anything, none of our children would be addicts. You are making the right decision, as hard as it is stick to your guns - not only for your son, but for your own mental health. Most courts have records online so you might be able to go to the website & look at his criminal history. The charges don't disappear after six months in jail, it's called a terminal disposition - do the jail time & they don't have probation. (at least that is what it's called where my son lives in Calif)

Hang in there, this is a GREAT board for support, advice & a shoulder to cry on without judgment. All of us are in the same & similar situations.