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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Daughter’s Addiction & Grandkids

Posted by: jeffreyrunner December 22, 2020, 11:10 PM
My daughter is an addict (pills).
She has two kids, 3 and 5 year olds.
Anyone have any experience with grandkids and their parent’s addiction.
Her addiction has been up & down since before the kids were born. Boyfriend is also an addict.

Posted by: Wednesday December 23, 2020, 2:11 AM
Hi I don't have any grandkids in my situation. It's my son that Has the drug addiction. Are you looking after the kids? Living with your daughter and kids? It must be hard when kids are in the mix. I just wanted to say welcome and keep your strength up . 🐝

Posted by: mtnmom December 23, 2020, 11:44 AM
Welcome Jeffrey, I'm sorry you are here but this is a great place to express your concerns & fears and get experienced comments and no judgment.

My son did not have children either, thankfully but I do have grandchildren. Is your daughter putting the children in jeopardy by driving under the influence? Is she abusing them? Are they being fed, cared for, clean? Is she able to work? Are the bills being paid? She is lying, stealing from you & other family members?

My son was a Meth addict but managed to keep his job & house, but his life started crumbling a little bit at a time & finally EVERYTHING crumbled. He lost his job, got divorced, etc. He's doing very well right now but we always know that one bad decision could change everything again.

Please come back & tell us how your daughter is doing & how you & the rest of the family are doing.

Posted by: jeffreyrunner December 23, 2020, 11:44 PM
mtnmom and Wednesday

It’s Year 5 of us recognizing her addiction.Each year, the lows are getting lower. Seems like early Winter to early Spring is when her addiction gets deeper. She currently has both kids, but family members are starting to slow down the money that feeds the cycle. But to our local Children’s Services the appearance of her life and house looks okay.
My five year old granddaughter, recently learned to FaceTime. This has given us a look into just how neglected she and her three year old brother are- adults sleeping in until 1-2 pm. Kids unsupervised while they sleep, or kids kept awake until 3 am then expected to sleep until 3 pm.The verbal abuse when the adults finally get moving around. The constant driving around they do, “going to the store.”
I’m Trying to convince her grandparents not to pay her Rent or utilities.No more bail outs.We need it to look worse, for Children’s Services to act. Sadly, we also hope they commit a crime and get jail time.

Posted by: NyToFlorida December 24, 2020, 1:24 PM
My heart goes out to the kids. Unfortunately, I fear that the neglect will have to be extreme and possibly putting the kids in danger (worse than they are already) before children’s services can do something. As long as the kids are in the home, I think the grandparents will want to ‘help’. I can wholly understand the situation. My husband and I kept ‘helping’ our son, to keep life going, hoping he would ‘snap out of the hold addiction had on him’. That never happened. I remember the days that it hit home for me that my ‘helping’ even if it was a tank of gas and pack of cigs. Was keeping him in addiction. It is pretty sobering when that really hits you. I had to allow myself to admit that his current state of addiction, at that time, was my fault. And that I could and had to remove myself from that role. This is the step the grandparents do not understand yet. It is counter intuitive. It is the opposite of what anyone wants to do.

I think the best action for the kids is for other relatives to invite the kids over to their homes for a few days at a time. Spin a good happy tale about wanting to have the kids for a few days, no strings attached. Keep it going as a family effort so the kids are with the parents less. .?

Idk... ?

Try to give the kids a nice Holiday!

Posted by: Sallyana December 24, 2020, 10:06 PM
Jeffreyrunner welcome and I too am so sorry for your situation. I do not have granchildren. My daughter has been addicted to heroin for 5-6 years and has lost everything, is homeless, and lives in a shack with her older dealer, and a bunch of other people much like herself. Its very, very sad. She is 27 yrs old.

My opinion is the grandchildren need a hero to rescue them from the extreme neglect they are experiencing. Neglect is abuse and I think someone needs to intervene on their behalf. They are so young and innocent. A suggestion would be is to see a good family law attorney and find out what the laws are and the rights are. How to properly handle the situation for the best interest of the children. They are not capable of meeting the basic needs of these poor children. The children need an advocate to help them. I wish you strength and courage.

Posted by: mtnmom December 27, 2020, 11:32 PM
JeffreyRunner - I worked at Juvenile Court for 12 years. The conditions from which children were removed were absolutely unbelievable!! Where I worked, children's services would not automatically place the children with a relative, something which drove the Judges nuts. But in all fairness they cannot remove the children from one home & place them in a home where there could be different problems.

But NO CHILD should ever be neglected & abused. Do you live in the same state? Same area? Can you bring the kids to your house for visits & sleep overs? If you feel your grandchildren are in imminent danger for not being supervised, fed, etc. & adults are sleeping, etc. call 911, especially if you see something during FaceTime that is wrong. It's even more scary when there are little ones involved.

Posted by: Wednesday December 28, 2020, 5:25 PM
Hello jeffreyrunner, I'm glad you got some good advice from the great people on this site. I really hope you find some comfort in knowing that your not alone and you have people here to listen and advice that can help. It's a long rollercoaster ride and we are all trapped on it with you. Stay strong and keep your grandkids as the priority. They have no choice in this and need you. I have two younger girls as well as my son and they have to deal with so much . It's not fair but as the adult I have to prioritize them . Hard to do with everything revolving around the addiction. We are all at different stages in this addiction maze so your bound to find good people to talk to here that can so relate to you. Keep your head above the water and keep coming back here when you need to vent or just to hear others . 🐝

Posted by: axor001 January 19, 2021, 7:24 PM
Join Nar-Anon Family Group. They will support and guide you.

Safe the kids, they are in danger:

1. Trauma, toxic stress, and adverse childhood experiences permanently change a child’s body and brain, which can have serious, lifelong consequences
2. They are exposed to the risk of accidental poisoning with drugs, since I'm sure, they are laying around the house. They can get poisoned via the vents in the house inhaling the smoke, leftover powder, needles, etc...

Help them.

Posted by: axor001 January 19, 2021, 7:34 PM

Posted by: jeffreyrunner January 22, 2021, 9:26 AM
Thank You all for your response.
This message board has given me some comfort, and good advice.

Children's Services were called (again), they did their visit. Protective service will not share any information, only with custodial persons and biological father. But according to my addicted daughter thru texts everything went great. WITH Children Services everything must be so extreme before they step in, I'm afraid.
So now my daughter is keeping grandkids away from me. Along with other threats. So I have only been able to talk/ Facetime with granddaughter once in three weeks. Ex-wife has had a few more contacts. I have been dropping off things to grandkids at the porch, and see kids thru the window, and wake up the addicts.

A friend (his family is friends of ours) of my daughters, out of the blue reached out to me and my ex-wife. He has been sober for one year, and wants to have an intervention for my daughter. This a past user with my daughter and someone she might listen to- he informed us that she is snorting heroin. That he is witnessing her beg for money and recognizes that she is "Dope sick."
ANY ideas about intervention process...?

Posted by: axor001 January 23, 2021, 12:06 AM

Can you get in touch with Nar-Anon Family Group in your area? You can google it, just copy: Nar-Anon Family Group into the google search.

They will be able to help you. It will just get worse for the kids.

I'm a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate). CASA volunteers are sworn officers of the court appointed by a juvenile court judge to advocate for children who are living in foster care as a result of abuse or neglect.

Posted by: axor001 January 23, 2021, 12:16 AM
My daughter is an addict. We are taking care of her daughter. Our granddaughter is safe with us.

Posted by: NyToFlorida January 23, 2021, 1:18 AM
It is so complicated when kids are involved. My son does not have children.

When my son was using he would not admit he was doing anything wrong. ‘Everything was fine he just needed more money.’ Each year he did not consider rehab until everything was gone, job, things housing car. He would keep going as long as he had job and a car to get to the job. The last time he lived at our house was about 2 yrs ago.

That is the difficulty. You can’t help the kids without enabling your daughter. I found that I could not detach and stop enabling while my son was living in our house. It is kind of an all or nothing situation.

Posted by: Sallyana January 23, 2021, 2:38 AM
I think your daughter has a long road ahead of her which is typical for most people with an addiction. In the meantime, the kids are in their developmental years and they really need help now. Sadly, mom has other priorities and it's not them. I hope you are able to intervene on their behalf. Sorry you are having to deal with all of this. It's very hard.

Posted by: jeffreyrunner January 25, 2021, 1:08 PM
Thank you all again for your caring and help.

Bad news;Children Protective Services closed the case.
Good news; my daughter bragged to her best friend about how she proved her dad was wrong. Her old best friend, was not much into my daughter's life the past few years due to the addiction behaviors. The friend started asking around and then got her own brother(a recovered drug user, one year clean) involved.Together they formed an intervention. My daughter had done drugs with the best friend's brother in the past,we know their family real well; she wouldn't had stayed and listened if it wasn't for him.So we had an intervention.
It worked.
My daughter is three hours away in detox for a week. Then we hope rehab. Taking it one day at a time. Kids are with biological dad, and he is allowing me and my ex-wife to help with child care this week.
It's a step, she admitted it all, the enablers heard the truth. She's Detoxing now, and hopefully wants rehab. I realize without the rehab, this detox is just a break.But maybe, she will come back to us after rehab after years of addiction. She is 29 yrs old with a 3 yr. old and 5 year old. A users of some kind since the age of 16 she stated.
SATURDAY was first day she ever told us the truth...
************Any advice on next step is welcomed and needed...

Posted by: mtnmom January 28, 2021, 6:53 PM
OH JeffreyRunner!!! That is a fantastic step! And one in the right direction. I'm don't have any experience with intervention or detox except maybe contact Narc Anon online or another recovery group for you & her mother to help you set boundaries, know what to expect & what is okay & not okay! Good luck & best of wishes!! I hope she's done & ready to start living the life she deserves (and her children & family deserves!)

Posted by: NyToFlorida January 29, 2021, 12:07 PM
OMG! Fantastic! What a relief!
I bet you are sleeping much better knowing the kids are safe!
Expressing tears of Joy for you and your family!
I am so grateful to human beings that reach out and help each other!

It is a step, it is a seed.

Posted by: jeffreyrunner January 30, 2021, 5:11 PM
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Day 6 of the 7 detox, she left. Out of the blue my daughter secretly started texting friends, then BOOM, suddenly the “you have 4 hrs to deliver my car or I’m calling the police “ that was her first communication with me. Her mom also got the same old blame game text. We were organizing the 3 hour drive to get her the next day.We had her a rehab bed after days of searching.

Now suddenly she trying to play us, like she is going to outpatient therapy. And meetings.... you know everything they know you want to hear.

+Positive; seed planted. All the family now realizes how bad the addiction is and the kids are with biological dad for now. The dad is letting us help him, but it’s a day to day situation with everything.
We consulted with a lawyer and supposedly the father also consulted with a lawyer.
But for now kids are safe and my daughter says she needs time away from them.

A friend reached out to go to a meeting and with my daughter; she accepted, but didn’t show up.
Roller coaster

Posted by: NyToFlorida January 31, 2021, 3:58 PM
Wow! Jeffery - you may see Day 6 as a loss but overall it is actually a win!

I am only able to see it this way bc of the years I have been thru this with my son. Each time there was a little progress, I saw that I was needed less and more responsibility could be put in his hands, not by me telling him or doing, but by me NOT doing, not being a part of his daily life. It did take him the last two years to get to a better spot. The first year 2019 was still a mess, the second year he lived at a shelter and eventually got tired of his environment. who knows how long it will last. I can tell you that every time my boundary line moves closer to him and farther from me, I feel more independent and know I can expect the same from him. it is a win-win.

My son is 31 and has been addicted since about 24yrs old. in the years 2015-2018 he went to rehab about once per year. so he was sober for a few month out of each year. in 2019 he was sober the most but relapsing. in 2020 he relapsed and went to detox several times on his own. I was so relived he was going on his own. that shows self awareness. maybe the longer periods of sober time helped him.

It is hard to explain but using your situation as an example: before you were afraid - now you know that detox is a possibility. You now have a response when she complains about life and wants something from you. your response can be "Go to Detox, Go to Rehab". Instead of it being a wish, it is now a possibility. Try to stay out of her drama as much as possible so you do not become the enemy. you want the addiction to be the enemy.

Hope this helps! Good luck with the kids. It looks like a slippery slope.

Posted by: jeffreyrunner February 1, 2021, 12:52 PM

Thank You for your message. I loved the way you shared your experience and wisdom. I will take it to heart.
My daughter did go to an AA meeting and received her 24 hr coin. Today is Monday, it's the first day when she can sign up for her outpatient therapy. We are all encouraging her.

...BUT the grandparents are already running up to pay her rent. But I'm releasing the need to police how others respond to her addiction.Tired of being the Police of her enablers.
My grand-kids are still with their biological father, and we are helping him. The father is not the easiest person to deal with, his parents live next door and are dis-functional but nothing like the conditions the kids were living with.
Daughter still saying she needs time to de-stress and stay away from her kids and we are really pushing that idea with her.
So Day to Day.... Children's Services still have an open case, waiting on a return call they promised last week.
Message board is a nice place to feel not alone.

Posted by: mtnmom February 1, 2021, 9:49 PM
This message board is a LIFE SAVER!! Jeffrey R just remember that even if she messes up, it's still her choice. You didn't cause this (addiction), you can't control it & you can't cure it. All things your daughter has to do.

Posted by: jeffreyrunner February 4, 2021, 2:34 PM

Thanks for your message.

We are Day 2 Day.... Grand-KIDS still safe with their father.
Daughter says today she is signing up for outpatient therapy, that was set up for her while in the Detox unit.. And the Child Protective Services finally called me back---and was willing to listen and keep investigating the case.
So my mind and body is able to take a break/rest.

Posted by: Wednesday February 7, 2021, 4:03 PM
So glad to hear your grand kids are safe Jeffery . It is a roller coaster ride but you are doing what you can and being there for your grand kids is a big deal. Pat on the back Jeffery , it may not feel like it but you are showing your love for your family. Stay strong and take time for you .resting your mind.( it becomes all consuming )so you can cope with whatever may come next. My son has strait out said he is not ready for any treatment. ( he has completed 3 months clean in the past year) But now has relapsed and gone back to his addicted girlfriend . The last few years have broken me and I now see its up to me to heal and put myself first instead of allowing my self to continue to be addicted to trying to heal my son. I hope the best out come for you . And keep planting those seeds . 🐝

Posted by: mtnmom February 7, 2021, 11:39 PM
Jeffrey - how well do you get along with the grandkids father? My word of advice is to not discuss what or how your daughter is doing or not doing with him. Just remember & remind yourself the children are safe. CPS is involved and if they file formal charges you daughter will be on a "probation" of sorts. The court will help her get treatment & she'll have to take drug test & parenting classes before she can visit the kids or hope to get them back. Use this time to help yourself the best you can! We are here for you

Posted by: jeffreyrunner February 18, 2021, 11:26 AM
Thanks you * Wednesday and *mtnmom
Those words really helped me during a recent down moment.

Update; The grand-kids are still with the father. He and his family have been very supportive with me and my ex-wife getting the kids a day or two each week to give them a break. The dad and his family live next door to each other, which is a positive.

My daughter has visited the kids twice. Kids are 5 & 4 years old are healthier and seem happier with the new living arrangements.

My daughter has recently started her old pattern of trying to get everyone mad at a family member and to isolate each family member from one another. A divide and conquer approach then ask for money from each member, with different stories to each family member on why she needs money. So far only my parents have started the enabling pattern, my dad paid her rent. Then my daughter drove to their house ( an hour) to visit, which means they gave her more money.
The big money will be her income tax, $4000-$7,000 which she admitted was blown on drugs the last few years, within weeks. Soon the the 3rd Covid relief government check, estimated to be $4,000 will arrive in March. So I've been trying to explain this to my parents.That this money needs to be supervised if she allows it, since they tend to have her ear now, mostly due to their willingness to give her money.
No proof she ever went to inpatient therapy, maybe a few AA meetings. She and her boyfriend are both unemployed and isolating themselves just like before the detox week.
But the kids are safe and she seems willing to let them stay with the dad, she talks about getting them on weekends in the future. But with the crazy stories and trying to start up drama, all signs points to the same old addictive behaviors.

Posted by: NyToFlorida February 18, 2021, 11:10 PM
Hi Jeffrey - Sorry you are on the roller coaster. It is a mix of emotions. I remember I have dreaded the income tax return for my son. He would usually get about $1000 back. It was always at a time when he could use the extra cash to pay a few things off, or bridge the gap between a seasonal job. He would say he'd do this and that with the refund. I would hold my breath waiting for it. He would get the refund, it would be gone in a week or two.

I have been be sick to my stomach at times over the past year when my son was collecting part time unemployment. On one hand I was glad he was getting something so I didn't have to enable him. On the other hand, he was not responsibly using the $ to help himself. I was angry about that. I had to mentally remove myself from those thoughts and try not to think about it.

I'm happy the kids are safe. You are doing the right things. You have initiated positive progress in your daughter's / grandchildren's situation. and in educating the family. your daughter can go thru this period for a few years. prepare for the best and prepare for the worst. and don't get stuck in the drama.

Posted by: Sallyann February 21, 2021, 7:39 PM
She's not interested in recovery obviously because she left. If she was serious, she would have stayed. Then to be so rude and arrogant to you to demand her car. Wow. In my opinion and experience, you have to let go and let her live the awful life she wants to live. She'll lose her kids which will actually be a godsend IMO especially if the dad is a good parent. She is not. Its a harsh reality. I hope someday she will want to live a different life.

Posted by: jeffreyrunner February 23, 2021, 4:20 PM
Thank you Sallyann....

Yes, unfortunately my daughter just talks the talk at this moment in time.

A positive note, the Children's Services caseworker has been calling me and seems like she really investigating the case.Willing to listen and document.

The biological father's main incentive is to eventually have 50/50 custody, and with that comes no child support payment. But he's slowly realizing that my daughter is not really wanting sobriety so he's a reluctant full time dad- but for how long?

Stay Safe everyone and thanks for advice and listening .

Posted by: jeffreyrunner March 5, 2021, 10:57 AM

I hadn't heard anything from my daughter for a week. Slowly the text with all the things you as a parent would want to hear is gone..." Going to a meeting"... wisdom she would say that you hoped was coming from actual meeting attendances. Well that has all dried up...

So what comes next from her, Asking for help to pay her Rent for March- because neither she or her boyfriend have received their income tax refund checks yet- even though they both filed before me and I have already received my refund. So who knows if it's the truth.
I lied and said I didn't have it.
I don't know why I lie when I should just be honest and tell her I don't believe her.

The grand-kids are still with Dad and my ex-wife had them two days this week, so I was able to get them for a few hours each day. The kids did stay with my daughter last weekend overnight, nobody wanted this to happen; BUT the father and my daughter worked it out. So we were all nervous those two days. Guess it went okay.

So with her asking for money- it gives me that guilty nervous feeling again. Does anyone else get this feeling, and lie to addict about why you won't give the addict money?

Posted by: NyToFlorida March 5, 2021, 9:06 PM
I was not good at saying no. Definitely not a good feeling. Try to stay strong.

She is pushing buttons to see which ones still work! She will push all the buttons until one dispenses what she wants

Remember that she does not care if she takes from you or someone else. She will keep taking from who ever will give.

I used to try to make a deal but deals don’t work. It’s all a lie and you can’t prove anything. I remember the good behavior- just a game to get rewards.

The feeling I remember is the sinking pit in my stomach and life draining from my head and a weakness in my extremities.

I reached my breaking point when I was doing things I did not want to do. Ie, give him money because he spent all of his. Even $20 was more than I wanted to give.
I cared more about his life than he cared about mine.

I was not living my life . I saw that anything I gave or did to help my son allowed him to keep using drugs which was endangering his life and the people around him. Including endangering other drivers on the road. He did not care about my financial welfare. As long as he could get a pack of cigs, a bit of gas, a pay check, he didn’t care about anything else. It is a sad day when this is realized. The sadness and anger made me want to save myself.

Keep planting seeds, that is the best gift, but is not what they want.
Keep the same mantra going ‘go to rehab, out patient, meetings, sober living house’

Posted by: jeffreyrunner March 8, 2021, 11:27 AM
Thanks, NY 2 FL
I like the mantra you talked about....

For the second weekend in a row my daughter has gotten her kids from the father. After the first night she called him and took the kids back because the stress was too much for her. Which i thought was good of her to recognize. However, that evening about an hour before bedtime she went back and picked them up. The next day my daughter left the kids with boyfriend while she went to the "Bank" on a Sunday morning. Going to the bank was always her excuse for needing to go get her drugs.
The kids were never to be left alone with boyfriend and she agreed to this with the father. The granddaughter 5, called my ex-wife in a panic, knowing something wasn't right with her mom leaving her and going to the bank. EX-wife calls father, so then the father calls my daughter. But no consequences for my daughter from the father.Now of course it's "just drama" from mom, according to my daughter.
So later that day i drive the 45 minutes to visit and to my surprise my mother is there, she lives over an hour away.My mother is a major money source for my daughter. So my daughter was getting money. Neither Daughter or Grandma mentioned to me that they were together.

Then last night my granddaughter texts me at 4 am, just scrambles letters.
So after one successful weekend with her kids it looks as if the roller coaster is back. Same patterns - we were hoping daughter could hold it together on Weekends. And we can't seem to get the kids father to completely step up- his own mother living next door is also disappointed he won't do more- enforce his own requirements....
jeff - ugh

Posted by: Sallyann March 8, 2021, 11:54 PM
Jeffrey, reading your posts about your grandchildren is very sad. They should never be in harm's way. Why the ex husband would allow them to be with your daughter perplexes me. Its traumatic for them and it's VERY unsafe and dangerous. Someone needs to step up to the plate and report your daughter and refuse for her to have them. I don't understand why everyone is tip toeing around when it's so obvious and critical her children should not be with her. I'm ready to call CPS if no one else has the courage to do what's right here. Its abuse to leave her kids with your daughter. Abuse and neglect.

Posted by: NyToFlorida March 9, 2021, 10:12 AM
Hello, I think your daughter can live in the limbo that ‘everything is ok, as long as she keeps lying, everyone will believe it, or at least let me get away with it.’ This is a start. At least the addiction has been broken a bit. Maybe she has had a peek at reality. My son lived close by to us at a girlfriends house for two years, both medicated daily, lying about drug use the whole time. Getting prescriptions for stuff constantly. As long as he had the next job to go to, the next car -that we were paying insurance- that was supposed to be temporary, but over two years he did not get insurance. Yes we enabled it....

One idea that helped me was telling him that we can’t continue this because he needs to learn to be independent. Were not going to be around forever . Those talks did not directly change anything, but did help me to have something to say that makes sense.

My point is that this is a start, but can still go on for years and your daughters situation may become very bad before she decides to be sober. But if no one lets her get to that point, what you are seeing today may go on for a long time.

Good news - your granddaughter now recognizes a dangerous situation and is able to call someone she trusts. The behavior of everyone needs to change. But this isn’t a perfect world and you can’t control other’s actions. the ex husband should not have give the kids back that weekend. Your daughter probably went for a drug run then felt better and went back to the get them. I wonder why the boyfriend didn’t go out to the bank... reason why ex lets her take the kids - most likely resentful that he is working and paying child support and he has kids 100% while she contributes nothing. Yes it is not fair.

Posted by: jeffreyrunner March 9, 2021, 11:52 AM
Sallyann & NY2 Fl

Thanks for the reply and care in your responses.

Sallyann, I do have an open Children's Services case against my daughter. The social worker has been involved for over two months. I call every week with updates. Unfortunately they have not seen or have enough evidence for them to pull the kids away from my daughter according to our county laws (according to them). The laws are way to lenient to the biological parents in my opinion. The father started these unsupervised weekend visits, without any agreement from his own family or her family. So we aren't working with the easiest or smartest person, but he's what we have to work with at this time. It's like a perfect storm the family she picked for her family to have to deal with ..ugh
I too feel this is just the beginning of a long road- and the word 'limbo" fits perfectly at this time. Yes, we feel she went on a drug run to the " bank."

The recent conversation with Children's services is that they feel that eventually my daughter will stop doing weekend visits with the kids and move toward just phone calls and text. That with income tax money & Covid stimulus money coming that it will be a major turning point that will let us know what directions she goes toward.

I asked my daughter why she hasn't gotten her 30 days clean sobriety coin.Neither her or boyfriend are working and are always claiming to be going to meetings. My Daughter's response was they haven't been to their home-based meetings due to having the kids on Sundays. But the whole vibe she giving to everyone is not a person who is working the sobriety steps. But with $

Again- Thank you for your advice and encouragement.

Posted by: Sallyann March 14, 2021, 5:24 PM
I've just had a hellish week being manipulated by my daughter. Its so frustrating. We were talking 6 days in a row and each day I thought I was talking to a completely different person. I figure it depends on where she is in her addiction cycle. Its even hard to put into words how disordered she is. It makes my head spin. I FINALLY had to end the conversations. I told her I wasn't going to be hostage to her numerous, unending, don't know if they are real or not crisis upon crisis upon crisis. It's neverending. I heard or read recently a good definition of enabling, 'the neglect of self'.

Posted by: NyToFlorida March 15, 2021, 10:40 PM
Hi Sallyanna,
I’m so sorry to hear of your daughter’s continued struggles. You have been going thru this for so long. I know from your previous posts you have done everything you can think of and haven’t given up. Keep the Hope that something turns her around some day. I wish I could think of something better to say..

Posted by: jeffreyrunner March 16, 2021, 11:36 AM
Hang in there- try to take a day and forget about it all. We all truly understand. It's a constant grind against us. Get yourself some flowers. The addiction is so unrelenting.


Posted by: Sallyann March 16, 2021, 9:29 PM
Thank you for your kind words of support NTF and Jeff. I know you know how I feel. It's very heartbreaking and I'm really spent. This past week has worn me out. I do need to take a day off and I love flowers!

Posted by: jeffreyrunner April 12, 2021, 10:44 AM
UPDATE: Daughters addiction

The best I can explain the current situation is that ....'s like the "maintenance" addiction cycle. It's like she's taking a substance that allow her to appear to be somewhat sober/normal. Then the addiction cycle will slowly roar itself out again stronger and more destruction with each round of this cycle. That's the best way I can describe it.

I know my daughter is not living completely sober. No sobriety "coins" seen since her 24 hours coin ( January 30 ). Always excuses to why she doesn't have any proof that she's going to meeting or her outpatient therapy. She hasn't worked since the first week of December.

The Covid19 stimulus money and with her codependent boyfriend is back at work- the money has been trickling in, and it appears her rent is paid up to date.

My grandkids are with my daughter on weekends. We all monitor them when they are with her the best we can.

My mother and father haven't talked to her in a few months since they felt she wasn't working the sobriety program. This is a blessing since they were her last big money enablers.

It's the calm before the next cycle begins....

Posted by: mtnmom April 13, 2021, 8:50 AM
Sallyana, I'm so sorry & yes, Jeffrey is right - we all understand! We all have to step sometimes, for our own mental health. Addicts (as we all so very well know) will suck out your soul & sell it to the devil and then complain we don't help them.

Jeffrey - I'm glad the kids are safe, your parents have realized how bad your daughter is and she hasn't abandoned her kids. Fortunately my son didn't have children.

Posted by: jeffreyrunner April 13, 2021, 10:37 AM
Hi, MTNmom

I hope you are doing well.... yes, the grandkids are doing much better.

I've been teaching in an urban school districts for + 25 years and unfortunately I've seen so many young lives affected by parental addiction.
Find some sunshine my friends,

*Sometimes it is the people no one imagines anything of
who do the things no one can image.

Posted by: jeffreyrunner January 6, 2022, 11:38 AM
I see this message board has been quiet.
Everybody is probably just worn down with the Covid and our addicted children.

But here's an update: Nothing Positive. The grandchildren are still with my addicted daughter.
My daughter is still with her boyfriend that is also an addict. The grandkids go to their father's on weekends. Both my daughter and her boyfriend have not had a job that pays with an actual paycheck for a year. She supposedly cleans some houses and he does odd jobs. Plus the Covid income tax advance money each month, until this month. Plus my mother and ex-wife still continue to give her money with no strings attached.
My granddaughter is in kindergarten so that's an all day break from the chaos- and her brother goes to Head Start half days. My ex-wife continues to get one of the kids overnight each week. They are too wild and unruly to handle together, So ex and I try to split them up when we have them.

Around Halloween was a bad episode of my daughters drugged up behavior- her son was left at school. I confronted her and again just denials, lies and blame from her.
Again, Police was called and Children's services but again, nothing was done.
I refuse to be around my daughter since that Halloween episode. I do not communicate with her at all now. My granddaughter has a phone so with her phone or my ex-wife is how I coordinate pick ups and communication with grandkids. My parents and my ex say one thing but do another thing. So I don't discuss my daughter with them any longer - my anxiety was thru the roof and I need a break from the endless cycle of daughters addiction.

I was hoping that my decision to not have anything to do with my daughter until she got help for addiction would wake up my EX and my mother but it seems to had the opposite effect. Two months later and nothing has changed with their behaviors.

The holidays were strange because my wife, son, oldest daughter and her family had Christmas together with the addicts kids only. Meanwhile, my addicted daughter & boyfriend, had my Ex wife and my parents up to her house for a Christmas together.

As I read my past post, this board acts as a journal for my memory to remember all of the chaos.
Thanks for Reading, I would love an update on your situation.

Posted by: mtnmom January 18, 2022, 2:55 PM
Awww Jeffrey - I hate this addiction & what it does to everyone involved. It's even more hurtful when some people enable the horrible behavior & then you are the bad guy. When my son was using, both my other sons completely disappeared. Neither would help or even give us emotional support. One even said he did want to hear anything more about his brother's bulls***. My husband & I were left to deal with the emotional toll of lies, rages, hysterical phone calls, arrests, violation of court orders, fees, etc. alone. We were on a 40th anniversary vacation during this time so we were getting collect calls & international phone fees.

FORTUNATELY, he is holding it together, has a job & a new girlfriend. I believe my son is not using however I also know that for 20 years he was using, held a job, marriage & lying almost every word out of his mouth. I also know he is always one bad decision from catastrophe.

I wish the courts & children's services would use their authority to force your daughter into a position to get clean & stay clean for the sake of her children.

Try to care for yourself Jeffrey because that's really all you can do

Posted by: just sum guy January 19, 2022, 9:28 AM
i live among addicts and am a man who chose my way out of addiction, though i am just sum guy. best you can do is love them and let your heart out to them as often as you can, and be true to your own hart. do not hide how you feel, at all. my heart goes out to you, may our creator bless you with a way to help your loved ones.

Posted by: jeffreyrunner January 20, 2022, 10:54 AM
mtm MoM

Thanks for the encouragement- Glad to hear your son is at least keeping it somewhat together.
It's such a long crazy train ride.

just sum guy

Thank you. Keep fighting and stay strong.

Nothing has really changed in the last few week. She continues the lying and cheating her enablers.

Posted by: just sum guy January 20, 2022, 8:30 PM
sounds to me like your a god send for your family. i would be as open as you can, and pour your heart out on em es often as posable. truth can be hard, but worth it EVERY time. Once they decide they have suffered enough and want to clean up its going to take a lot of free time and love. hang in there, i believe you will work it out. god bless ya