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|Message Board > Cocaine / Crack Cocaine > My Journey Recovering|
|Posted by: scdad February 8, 2013, 1:01 AM|
|I remember the first time I smoked crack. A hooker I picked up had some and I made a huge error in judgment and asked her for a hit. I remember that first feeling like it was yesterday. We had sex and it was the best I ever experienced. That was August 2012. After 6 months and THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS and countless of hours of wasted time, I have never been able to duplicate that night, that nut or that high. 7 months is long enough. I am going to make every effort to quit this thing. I have no choice.
My problem was that I felt that I won't be able to fall or let it get the best of me. Although I am not stealing from anyone, I have spent so much money that I could have used on my kids, my business, helping out my family, tithing, or saving it for emergency funds, life insurance or a house. God has been merciful on me, and I must break this addiction and help others. That's the only way this whole ordeal makes any sense. Next year this time I plan on enrolling in school to be a drug rehab counselor. From this day forward I want to help others fight this addiction. It ain't no joke. But it can and will be done.
Biggest mistake I made was believing that I could control my urges and do it every now and then. I associated myself with the wrong people. I have reached an all time low and placed my child in potential danger, and with that said, enough is enough!! I am the best father out there...and I am going to stay that way. Crack f***s all that up.
God has blessed me with a wonderful girlfriend that accepted me for who I am but she doesn't know that i still smoked. I can't lose her, my kids, my job, my dignity, and God's grace. My shame is my burden right now and I'm so upset at myself for the money blown and the time lost.
First step I'm making is deleting my "crack" connections. All dealers and smoking partners. I'm changing my number.
Now is the hard part. How to not do it anymore. I may be naive and believe it can be done by sheer will power and staying busy. But damn, its been 7 damn months of this s***! I don't see myself, but I'm sure people notice that there is something wrong with me. The glossy eyes and greasy skin. I have to give this s*** up. I'm running out of chances. God is telling me the time is now to make a change and difference.
I want to recover behind closed doors. I don't want anyone knowing I am recovering from crack. That's why I'm going to be heavy on the message boards and calling narcotics anonymous. My goal is to quit cold turkey. I know i can do it. I don't have a choice.
If I relapse again, ya'll will be the first to know. I have to vent. Keeping everything in is killing me. I'm lying more and more everyday and its sickening. God exposes everything, and I want to be a drug addiction counselor by the time it does happen.
I talk a good game, but my actions for the past year have been totally opposite. Each day that goes by I keep lying to myself, my kids and the ones that care about me. Its easier said than done to turn your life around. But I will be letting everyone know how i did it...I'm determined not to fail.
I have it good compared to other recovering addicts. Again, I haven't lost everything yet. I haven't stole a thing from anyone. God blessed me with money recently and I am ashamed to admit that I spent over 1000..maybe 2000 on crack! Thats going to far. But to bring my daughter with me to cop...that's where I have to say enough is enough. It is the anger at myself for going to that extreme that's going to help me recover. I can beat myself up all day, but that's not the purpose of my post.
I associated myself with dangerous people and have recently broke free, but constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the unknown. I've loaned out my car for crack and the opportunity to get double ups. I gave up my laptop and my kids' ipod for collateral and the damn dealer got paid but i never got my things back. I was just happy to get my car back. I rented him a car and by the grace of God they got stopped for speeding and the car was returned! I was afraid for my life and thought that that was enough for me to quit. But it wasn't.
But having my daughter with me to cop...EPIC FAIL!! I owe her more than an apology. I owe her her old daddy back! I owe her sobriety. I owe her my LIFE!! I owe her the world..my world, cleaned up, sober, strong and happy.
So feel free to respond to me..whether its negative, positive, in between. I need it in order to help others later. But right now I'm relying on you guys to help me...
|Posted by: scdad February 8, 2013, 1:24 AM|
|I just read NA's 12 steps! I am going to memorize it. I haven't put forth the effort to memorize anything in years. I was told by a volunteer on the phone line that I will be the man I was put on earth to be once I complete the 12 steps of Recovery. AND I BELIEVE THAT!!
|Posted by: Blue Fairy February 8, 2013, 8:04 AM|
|Please don’t discount the importance of a supportive social network in your recovery. If you cannot kick it on your own and with the help of sites like these you may need to reach out to others face to face. I tried for years to stop on my own slowly but could not . I realized what was missing was interaction with real people face to face. Part of additions hold is the lure of illusion over reality. I needed the reality of the physical presence of someone else to break the illusion I was in. Now my recovery has become real.
Even if you relapse don’t give up . The important thing is to keep moving in the right direction no matter how long it takes. Having a goal like becoming an addiction counselor and being a good dad will help you through. BF
|Posted by: girltoday February 8, 2013, 11:07 PM|
|Keep up the good work scdad it gets better i promise. Im so proud of you for quiting. HUGE! Your child needs a good dad! Hugs
|Posted by: larrylive February 12, 2013, 12:49 PM|
This recoveredcrackhead wishes he knew what he knows when he was in your place.
1) It will get worse...have no doubt about it. And as you go through your days, thinking your covering your tracks and making up for past mistakes, your just wasting time. And in the end that's all we really have...to spend on our kids.
2) You need to suck it up and deal with it, NOW (it will get worse) That bruised ego and pride means nothing at this piont (it will get worse) I wasted years trying to fix my addiction on my own, I don't believe that can be done. That's because I would strongly suggest you get a payee, some one to manager your money. Someone who you cannot manipulate or con into giving you cash-NONE. Trust me the less access you have to money, of any kind, ie; cash, checks or credit cards the better. If you think this is an embarressing proposition, it will get worse.
I have been in your shoes and I wore them until I had none, it does get worse. Question: Where will your daughter sleep when you're homeless? And if you continue to smoke crack you will become homeless.
This is the beginning, I would love to share more with you. I look forward to hearing about your progress, but chances are you will disappear and we here on the forum will pray for you and then try to share our Experience, Strength and Hope with another addict.
|Posted by: SS-FLY May 14, 2013, 4:09 AM|
|Just wondering.......where have you been?? How have you been since Feb?|
|Posted by: Fireblade65 May 23, 2013, 4:03 PM|
|@scdad: your logic is sound in that you have already progressed through so many bad ways in your addiction, however you know that you are over-stepping the boundaries by having involved your daughter to an extent. In my opinion, you are a step closer to making right the wrongs because you are a) thinking of the consequences iro your daughter BEFORE it gets out of control and b) you haven't lost everything yet. If you don't sort yourself out now, it will be too late and all you will be left with are homelessness, no family, no car, nothingness, "derelictness". It is devastating. You may obtain a small ray of hope at some stage down the line that you can get back what you have lost but the sad thing is: it probably won"t happen. Once you have GIVEN AWAY your soul to crack, it is VERY hard to get it back. Do you want to be fighting this horrible scourge for the rest of your life? You seem like an intelligent man who knows what he is doing and who loves his family more than anything. My advice is: get out now before it's too late. I have a friend who has been in rehab for 11 months, relapsed four times since then (between March 2013 and now), and is about to end up on the streets. He has no formal job, no car and no family. He is extremely intelligent, talented to boot, but can't resist the drug demon. Hence the "nothingness". The choice is yours. Make the right one. Use God's guidance, your own common sense, have strength and the courage of your convictions to do this. GET OUT NOW! .|
|Posted by: scdad June 9, 2013, 10:48 PM|
|I have been MIA and slipping still.
I must admit, I was so wrong about this addiction. No I no longer use daily, nor get so low to have my daughter any where around. But I still relapse. Can't count how many since February. Pattern is probably every other week. Can't lie no more. I go two weeks and then BAM!! I even went to a few NA meetings thinking I done it..
I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING!!!
I recalled this post that I did back in February, and I thought back then everything that I typed. Swore up and down its the last time. I feel like a huge hypocrite, but that's what this drug does. Had to go through this. But there are many that state I'm not done yet. Not so dismissive in their opinion now. I hope that I am. Actually I'm motivated by their doubt. But I'm mindful that I too doubt that I am tired of it. That's why I need help.
I want to really thank Blue Fairy for trying to explain to me the importance of support instead of tackling things on my own. About to start my 90 sessions in 90 days tomorrow. Looking back at my original post. I went back on so much, but did it less often. Still want to be a counselor, but I'm working on other ventures to help people, down the road. Right now I have to concentrate on helping myself.
I'm still lying to myself. And to prevent me from lying to others, I've isolated myself. But outside of being broke, I thought I wasn’t that bad. Until I relapsed yesterday, and found myself in danger AGAIN with the same types of people. God put the same 2 females in my life again as witnesses to me messing up and not being myself under the influence getting punked when all I wanted to do was go.
This time I didn't let go of my keys...almost lost my computer again..but didn't bargain away my possessions for a hit. But I didn't want an altercation or for my things to get damaged knowing I had to explain everything and be out of a computer AGAIN!!! By the grace of God I drove away alive and made it to work on time.
And then I decided to make a huge change. I told my girlfriend I relapse. Right off the gate. No lies, no BS. We spoke to my sponsors...or my NA connections for her to hear what the life is like. Hate putting her through this, but WHERE THE HELL WAS ALL THIS GUILT AND KNOWLEDGE BEFORE USED!!
Maybe I'm not tired enough, but why wait until things get that bad to quit?? Its not like I dont know the price or the same cycle. There ain't no love out there for and addict who just wanna smoke and keep smoking?
I have been a better father, but I can and I must do better. I've been going to church and reading the bible, but I need to read more of it and APPLY MORE OF IT. I even went as far as fasting and still got week every other week! So now, I gave my girl my credit / debit cards. Mind you I hate the hell out of that, but I don't trust myself with it.
Reached out to get some outpatient help too. Going to swallow my pride and go for getting detoxed to get this s*** out of me. Girltoday – Jessica...thanks for the praise..and I feel like I let all ya'll down too. And I need that.
Love you LarryLive. I'm just now reading your post from February!! You are so right..I'm doing what you suggest right now. I will keep in touch more often. I have to. My way got me where I am now. Stuck!!
SS-Fly, I been living a lie since February. Made some progress, but it is me here now letting you know I failed and plan to have a plan and stick to it, with help of NA and yours on this forum.
Fireblade65 - I can't disagree with you and I thank you for your honesty and for sharing. I”m not trying to end up there. Only way I can do this is with HELP!! Took a few months, but I understand, but I don't GOT it. Not arrogant about this addiction any more. I need ya'll help.
|Posted by: scdad June 10, 2013, 12:53 AM|
|My Journey Recovering My Journey Recovering vering
My Journey Recovering
Can't kick myself in the behind too long.
I realize one of my mistakes besides thinking that I was strong enough to conquer addiction on my own is the fact that I have been lying to myself for years. Lying to others as well. Putting on this big front like i have my things together, and I don't. Its to the point now where I wonder if I can ever tell the truth entirely?
I admit that I am powerless over my addiction, that my life has become unmanageable. What happened to me yesterday and every other week for the last year has shown that. I started posting back in February thinking that it would be my last time, and like everything I seem to do in life, I started but then quit. Only if I could just "quit" using.
Crack Cocaine is the worst and last drug that I've used. I've rationalized things that should not have, and I've managed to blow thousands of dollars that could have been used better. Thought I learned that in February. Obviously I was delusional. Thing is; I do believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
Making the decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God is going to be a challenge, because I don't stick to it, almost like with everything else but using as I stated earlier.
I must work on searching and making a fearless moral inventory of myself. I took online behavioral tests, but I need to read NA books so that I do it correctly. So far I learned a lot, but when it comes to being an addict in recovery, I have a long ways to go.
I have admitted to God, to myself to exact nature of my wrongs. But I tap dance telling someone else out of fear of how they will perceive me. Or even worse, throwing it in my face later, or even my kids.
I say that I'm ready to have God remove all these defects of character, but do I want it or need it bad enough?.
I humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings. Tried to make a list of all the people I've wronged and I only wrong the woman that I'm with and am currently trying to make amends. Everyone in my circle does not have a clue, so I think, for now. I am pissed that I keep playing with fire and expect not to get burned. I'm pissed that I keep lying and telling partial truths out of fear.
My way of thinking and the rational of right and wrong need some prayer. Needs professional probing I’m sure. But more importantly, I know God is the fixer of all things. I must make the effort to letting him take over my life. All the so-called “friends” and smoking buddies I done been with turned they back and treated me like s*** today. Always been nice to everyone, everyone accept the ones I am supposed to be nice to. That's insanity.
Will this be enough for me to truly make a change? I don't know. Can't look that far ahead. I can only appreciate this moment now and cherish me want to do better. Appreciate that I'm still alive and have a chance to make it right. Almost didn't make it to yesterday. God again came to the rescue getting me out of a bad situation with bad people. Will this be enough? I caught a chair that was thrown at me, and as pissed as he was with me, he didn't do the worst that he could have done. And it wasn't about any gratitude. Dude ain't give a damn. It had to be God's mercy for my daughter, and everyone that cares about me.
So I try to call the "Rev" and his wife picks up. And the woman treat me like I be begging her for anything? "What you want? What do you want? And when I tell her I'm calling to talk to him to help me not use, she turned cold. But that's the cold that I need. That was the rude awakening I needed to remind me never to call, answer their call or ever ever go back to they house ever again. EVER! God please burn that in my mind!!
There ain't no love on them streets as an addict. I heard it time and time again, but like a hard headed teenager, I still had to learn for myself. I just pray that its not too late.
|Posted by: scdad June 11, 2013, 5:40 AM|
|Recovering Day 1 of 90 in 90
Swallowing my pride and making the Sacrifices to go and follow the plan. Day one was special.
I started a blog. Feel free to check out the details. http://ydaddy.wordpress.com/2013/06/11/day-1-2/
|Posted by: SS-FLY June 14, 2013, 6:46 AM|
|Just wanted to let you know that i married a man i used to adore. I learned he is a crack addict 3.5 months after our marriage. I have been together for 10 years. He uses regularly for the last 1.5 years. I was honest with him when we were younger and told me he used to have fun with lighter drugs that i would never ever accept anything like that ever for any reason. He told me when i kicked him out of the house in January 2013 because i could not explain and accept his behaviour. Even though it was smth not approved by me for anything in the world i found the strength and stood by his side for 4 months with relapses. It was killing me every single time! I came very close to madness and have filed for a divorse. Please.....if you are willing to do it DO IT NOW! Do not wait for your life to end! You need to hit bottom to feel really ready to quit! DO IT TODAY BEFORE YOU LOSE EVERYTHING BECAUSE I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT YOU WILL BE FOR SURE LEFT WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING if you wait any longer.|
|Posted by: scdad January 29, 2018, 5:37 AM|
Two years abstinence. Repaired marriage, blessed nice house, new cars, new job, paid off a few debts, started grad school, and a raise, and right when the money came and had the time off work...I.....you got it....
i relapsed. And this time was the worst. As many that have relapsed after a long period of time, they may admit to the severity of the relapse. Started out as me leaving dentist straight to place i knew where to go. Yep...preacher wife house....
On my way out the door, received text from wife asking how my day was, and instead of lying like i did in the past, i told her immediately i relapsed. When she called and heard her voice, I hung up. that guilt...that familiar guilt that fires the engine for me to keep using, jumped into hyperdrive and kept on running for 2 days, $1300 in the hole...in the end I put my wife thru hell.
Now here I am starting over agian. And it sucks. But i'm more honest with myself now. I love the high, hate everything else. I have learned the difference between abstaining and recovery. I have not been clean. Just crack free. Its time to start the recovery process and work it. Seriously.
Now I'm still not down with all the AA, NA s***. Just keeping it real. But my current action plan for relapse prevention needs an upgrade. By the grace of God, I am forming a team. But the team don't mean a thing unless my desire to recover surpasses the urge to use. Although I'm falling short with my mental cravings, Its better than succumbing to them. I have all the tools in place. I will be extremely upset with myself relapsing again, but knowing me, I will. And i have to accept that. Right now, i KNOW that the cycle will repeat itself no matter what I do to change the circumstances to having a great getting high experience. Will I be that way every day. I don't know. But as for today, I'm posting this with confidence that, I won't be using today.
|Posted by: scdad February 5, 2018, 11:32 PM|
For the FIRST TIME EVER. I picked up the phone and made the call BEFORE USING! Damn i wish it didn't take this long to get to this point, however its a part of the process, and I'm a step closer to true recovery.
For those that haven't experienced this feeling, i pray that you'll get there one day. The feeling of shame of reaching out to someone is in no way as bad as the guilt is when you go use. I called the person that I love the most next to my daughter. My wife! And in the process, I for the first time heard the voice of my addiction crying out for permission to use! Crazy...yes, but for the first time, my addiction had a voice! And in that moment, it shocked me that I could say something like that and plead like I'm making a case. Her tears, her plead for me to turn around. How could I keep going? I admitted to her every feeling that I had, not wanting to, but because I love her and don't want to see her hurt, I turned around. I made it clear that I wanted to get high, and how i had everything " under control". As i got closer to house, I began to feel so much better. The shame in calling was minimal. I was more relieved than anything. For once I made the right choice. And through that, I see that this demon, this disease, this evil spirit is a part of me, and it must be dealt with daily. It ain't something that I am strong enough to suppress. Making the call was a start, but turning around meant so much.
I reached out to an old sponsor i haven't spoken to in 2 years. He picked up for once. Must be my day. I called the NA hotline and for once, they had someone available to talk to for a second opinion. And as my reward, my daughter sent me a message needing help with her homework. It felt so good being available and seeing her struggle with her english assignment. In the end, she said what I wrote didn't make any sense, and that was the most pleasing insult I have ever had.
I am scared and worried at the same time. Although i'm advised to worry about the here and now, I am hoping that i will always pick up the phone and call my wife and not succumb to my urges. I don't want to forget this feeling ever. I didn't let her down, I didn't take away all hope for us. It just started with a phone call. A decision, a choice. Even though I DID NOT WANT TO CALL..out of love for her, I did. And one day, i will love myself enough to call because I want to.
I have lied to everyone and myself. I have abstained from my drug of choice, but I have not been CLEAN. I have substituted. What's happening to me is not only physical but spiritual. But today I am victorious. Today I made the right decision. Today I am my hero. Today I did what husbands and father's do. Today I thank God for today in hopes that it will last for the rest of my days.
|Posted by: scdad April 24, 2019, 11:57 PM|
|Its been a minute since my last post. There have been relapses, but there has been a lot of great times and reflections being sober. I've substituted my drug of choice, but that has led me to look deeper into my issues. Let's just say NA/AA got it right. My flaw is a spiritual thing. I can only speak for myself. It takes work and its life long. So happy though. Daughter is now 12 and has become a very strong young lady. But I still need to stick around.
|Posted by: scdad December 6, 2019, 4:02 PM|
|I am proud to say that my last relapse has set me on a different and more aggresive course of action. I gave up everything, and left SC, a job, a marriage, and even my beloved daughter to dedicate myself to rehabilitation from all substances and alchohol. As I'm working the steps and working closely with addiction therapists, I must say that this is the best I 've ever felt in my life. It is only the beginning. Working Step 4 by far is the hardest of all the steps I've done thus far. But I am going all in to get to the root of my addiction. Below the resentment and the coping with rejection is my selfishness and making decisions as if I am my own God.
I surrendered to God and its been non stop blessings. I am free, but I now appreciate taking things slow and dealing with the here and now, ONE DAY AT A TIME.
|Posted by: scdad January 26, 2020, 3:11 AM|
|This is the longest time I've ever been sober. About to come up on 6 months totally clean and sober. This includes alchohol! Thank God for the VA at Bath, Candadiagua and now Syracuse! That's right. I left SC and I'm not returning until my daughter's graduation in June. I love Syracuse, but moreso, I love living life without substances. I also discovered that I had severe mental health issues that I neglected. Now, I have a team of providers and fellow veterans to keep me straight. God has been so great to me.
Its possible. All you fellow addicts out there, recovery is possible. More is going to come. I just had to put an update out there.
|Posted by: larrylive April 10, 2020, 11:02 AM|
|With The Hopes this post finds you well,
Odd if you are still in Central NY you're in my neighborhood, let's get coffee (and a donut)
You can reach me via e mail, it's the name of my thread, recoveredcrackhead at yahoo.
I often hear/watch people say they are thoroughly working the steps and think somethings missing. I was happy to see you mentioned God in your last post, albeit as a figure of speech I'm assuming. It's a start anyway. Being that 6 of the 12 steps involve God. You may feel free to dance around that aspect with other terms, but judging from your post we both were bit by the same bug.
Looking forward to better days.
|Posted by: LivingIt April 20, 2020, 9:01 AM|
|Hi OP, I hope this finds you well and still strong and healthily sober. Good for you and great job on the hard work you have put into yourself. Everyone deserves that for themselves. My SO has a bad crack problem, it's been 18 months of it and we have no savings and no money from it with bills behind, lots of pawned items and he traded a lot of our household items as well. It's been so hard. He is going to a treatment center for inpateint detox and inpatient living for 30 days after that. I hope this works!|