I Need Help
Posted: January 18, 2017, 6:57 AM


Posts: 35
Joined: January 18, 2017



We met while he was on the streets doing drugs trying to kill himself due to life just going wrong for him
I would give any person money or say no if they asked but for him …I bought him food and we chatted for a short while and moved along
However something about him just stuck and I prayed and tried helping him where I could
Months and months went pass where I put my life in danger looking for him on the streets ,or going to help him when he needed me
After all that ,he said he wants to come clean by that time I already loved this person whole heartedly
We asked his mother to let him come back home, I stayed with him and he went into rehab
After rehab ,he stayed clean for a year and relapsed
After that I found NA and we attended meetings and even I wanted to go because it changed my views and how I treated him…I tried harder and I know if helped him too
NA stopped ….we did regular drug tests and he refused some days and got angry because he said his not using

Then one day he was acting weird and then I wanted to test him and he completely refused and said he keeps getting accused and that he doesn’t want to remember the past
He eventually did the test and failed it

He said he used some pills for his back that had been paining for weeks which I was aware of but we have a strict no medicine rule and he said he only used pills nothing more

We living together now
He takes long in the bathroom
I keep looking but I don’t find anything odd
He is losing weight – he says its due to work and stressing about getting a better job and a place of our own etc.
He doesn’t talk about drugs at all and doesn’t want to either
I see his eyes go all hazy and lame and I ask him and he says Im always accusing him and he refused to take a test…..
If he leaves me he will go back to living on the streets as his mother doesn’t want him at he place
I don’t know what to do anymore and its making me sick
Its like his got this wall up and doesn’t want me to let me in…should I secretly test him? And then just live with it? that’s what im asking myself 
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Posted: January 18, 2017, 11:49 AM


Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016



Welcome Roc. I am so sorry that you are hurting and hope that you will let us help!

Hmmmm. . .he is in the bathroom long periods of time? His eyes are lazy? He's acting weird? Sounds like he is using. You don't need a test to tell you. You know in your heart of hearts. Perhaps you want to know what it is. . heroin? Meth? Coke? But. . .does it really matter? Addiction is not something that is cureable. . .or something he gets over. . .he was an addict when you met him. He apparently was a recovering addict for a while. And now it sounds like he has relapsed.

Please read the posts here. You will see a common thread. . .we all ask what should we, could we do to help our addicts. And . . .unfortunately. . .the answer is: Nothing! There is nothing you can do to help him. Remember the 3 Cs: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

I'm sorry.. . But it sounds like he's manipulating and guiltying you into continuing to provide a roof over his head and keeping you in his life. Read and learn about addiction. Google co-dependency and detaching with love. Go to a couple of Naranon or Alanon meetings. Keep coming here. I'm not saying to kick him to the curb. But I am saying you should make an informed decision. If you decide to stay, create boundaries. Protect your bank accounts, credit cards, jewelry.

Good luck!
Lynn



--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: January 19, 2017, 3:35 AM


Posts: 35
Joined: January 18, 2017



i know this isnt the place,but im thinking about suicide ,i just cant anymore really ive given up its been too long trying ,what are you suppose to do when you cant do anything :(
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Posted: January 19, 2017, 7:39 AM


Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016



Do not say stuff like that, don't even think those thoughts , I am sure you have family of your own who loves you and would be devastated to loose you... why would you hurt yourself? Because of him? If he is using again and it does sound like he is even you killing yourself wouldn't change anything , drugs have this effect on us to make us forget all daily problems , emotional problems , drugs help us not to feel you see and not to face reality so person really really needs to want this change otherwise its easier not to do anything just flow from Monday to Monday, month to month and years goes by... time goes so quickly !
Do you have any missing money? Can you control where money goes ? Drugs are expensive so sooner or later he will start taking money from you or selling stuff et, typical addict behavior if they cant hold down job ... just pls be wise and protect yourself fro consequences, I mean never let him go and pay for mortgage or anything important , you do that stuff!!! I know its hard especially as you done so much for him already and invested in him but if you cant leave then protect yourself financially, dont let yourself end up on streets because money is gone and you trusted wrong guy.
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Posted: January 19, 2017, 7:45 AM


Posts: 35
Joined: January 18, 2017



im sorry i know i shouldnt be thinkin like this
i just need someone to tell me what to do
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Posted: January 19, 2017, 8:15 AM


Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016



thinking about you and situation you are in I would first look for one of those support groups , i dont know if you are in big city or countryside and if is anything like that available to you but if it is you should go and meet other people with the same problem as yours , they would have advice which measures to put in place and how to protect yourself ... I would Google that if I am on your place , Google first meeting , nearest one and if you dont like your group for some reason then you find another one until you feel comfortable to share / get help you need
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Posted: January 19, 2017, 8:18 AM


Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016



whatever you decide pls stay around and keep posting, sharing problems can only help you and i know for sure we have here so many good people willing to understand and help

ps; I hate as well to talk about drugs, I refused every time any conversation ..i want to forget not to be reminded all the time .. for some people talking is no problem for some as me it is big problem, we are all diffrent

This post has been edited by Bonnie5 on January 19, 2017, 8:27 AM
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Posted: January 19, 2017, 9:03 AM


Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016



It's okay Roc. Please feel free to share what is hurting you.

I have been (and still am) in that dark, gloomy place known as Depression. . .I don't give a s***. . .don't really want to be here. Nothing really matters anymore. I'm not happy and don't see happiness or joy coming into my life ever again. I get it Roc. I get it. You and I are the poster-children for how addiction affects EVERYONE.

What to do????? Ok. . .here's my suggestions (in no particular order):

1) Run. . .do not walk to your doctor. Medication can be a beautiful thing to balance your moods and feelings. Or, at least it will correct any chemical imbalances in you. (I pop an anti-depressant every day.) If you don't have a primary care doctor, go to an urgent care clinic or hospital. Call the Suicide Hotline (800.273.8255). There is even an online crisis chat.

2) While you are there, ask for a recommendation to a therapist. Hubby and I were able to find one who specialized in addiction and helping families. We found her through our county's mental health association. Go and talk. Bare your soul to him/her. Share your frustrations, disappointments, fears, love and concern. I considered our therapist a paid-for friend.

3) Find a group meeting. Go to Naranon, Alanon, AA. . .anything that is a group. Addiction likes to play on the mind & heart by making you think that you are alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! There are so many of us going through this. I found these groups were open and welcome. And it helped me to hear other's stories and get real hugs.

4) Right now I don't see how you can help him. It doesn't sound like you are in a place to help yourself yet. Sorry to be blunt. . .but right now you have a choice: to continue to fight his battles for him & lose yourself OR work on what you have control over. . .getting yourself together first. I'm sorry. . .but it is time to be selfish and self-centered. You are fighting for your life!

5) For me. . .I'd put his tail out, change my number and change the locks. This goes back to me vs him again. If HIS addiction is making me so crazy, depressed & despondent that I'm thinking of killing myself, he has to go. (I hear Beyoncé singing, "To the left, to the left, everything Is in the box to the left. . .") It sounds like you are more worried about him than yourself. He will be okay without you. Somehow he managed before you came along. . .and he will make a way now. Addicts are resourceful folks. He will find a way to survive, buy more dope and live. Can you break your addiction to him?

6) Bump the drug test. What's the purpose? You know that he is using. Addicts lie about their usage. So why spend the money? Play the scenario out in your mind. . .you test him. . .it comes up dirty. . .then what? Is he going to say, "I'm busted. Help?" Doubt it. Then what? How will testing him help you? Shoot. . .how will it help him?

7) Pray. Pray for strength. . .for comfort. . .for peace FOR YOU. And pray for him. Place him in God's arms and know that God can do anything but fail.

8) Keep coming back here. Keep posting. Keep sharing. We understand and are here for you.

I know that things seem very dark and like nothing is ever going to change. You may feel that the pain is so unbearable. . .that there are no choices. . . that the only answer is not to be here. But this is NOT your monkey. . .and this is not your show. It is his. YOU have choices. All is not lost for YOU.

Hang in there,
Lynn
xoxo

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on January 19, 2017, 9:44 AM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: January 19, 2017, 10:44 AM


Posts: 375
Joined: October 25, 2016



I was very depressed over my son’s addiction because I was so involved with his everyday life. I was unable to separate myself from his problems and felt like there would never be an end to the unhappiness. I was feeling a bit desperate. What I didn’t understand was that it was his life and his choices that were making me unhappy. His problems had become my problems. I think when we feel trapped in a situation we become more depressed and begin to feel helpless. What you need to remember is that you are not helpless! You just need to do something to move yourself in a more positive direction. You can make yourself happier. You are not responsible for his choices or his life. You can’t let what he does destroy you. Make some changes…do things that make you happy…if that means making him go away, then that is what you have to do.

I did get a mild antidepressant prescribed by my doctor because I knew I had to change things but felt unable to cope with what I had to do. It was very hard to make the necessary changes in the beginning, but when I started separating myself from my son’s problems, my mental health improved. I am still struggling with the separation a bit but am doing more for myself and feel less controlled by him so it has been much better for me. I see things more clearly after putting some distance between me and what was making me unhappy.

Think of what you need...


--------------------
BUGS
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Posted: January 19, 2017, 11:06 AM


Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016



both of them gave you some great advice and coming from people who knows what they talking about I would listen to them if I were you! You are not alone ...
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Posted: January 19, 2017, 4:10 PM


Posts: 38
Joined: January 16, 2017



Hi Roc, I feel for you!! I have been where you are, EXACTLY, and in fact am just a little further down the road from you. Then again the road forks in so many places who knows? The people here seem very very nice, nonjudgmental, and wise.

I have also been in that suicidal frame of mind before. It's so hard to see around it. We'll get through this, just know that. In one way or another. I don't think you can chat privately here but it would be great to do so since I feel for you.

Keep posting ... Like I said, the people here seem amazing. We can do this!
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Posted: January 20, 2017, 6:24 AM


Posts: 35
Joined: January 18, 2017



thank you everyone,it really helps ,this helps,posting helps,i actually feel better knowing i have people to talk to.i feel like i have a plan now,thank you all for your advice,and i know each and everyone have to do whats right for you so i feel like this is right for me

heres what im doing ,im pretending that everything is A-OK ,Im saying i love you with a fake smile,with a broken heart,and his happy.but soon im going to take a test and if its positive for drugs ,im going to withdraw myself from his life

another thing........have you guys ever accused and suspected they are using but then the test comes out negative? then what ? doesn't that just kill you to know you keep accusing them and they really not using ? i feel this way right now.what if its me,maybe im accusing him of using and his not....?

you know he gets really sick like flu,headaches and very bad sinus...and i refuse to help him,because then i jump to : his pretending ,he probably just wants medicine' and after i see that he really is sick,it kills me to think that ive been the wrong one.
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Posted: January 20, 2017, 10:14 AM


Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016



Glad you are feeling better Roc!!!! What fantastic news to wake up to.

Before you put all of your faith in tests. . .google how long different drugs stay in the system & can be detected. I know that weed is supposed to show up in tests for like 11 weeks but heroin only will show up within 2 days of use. So. . .if he used on Monday and you wait until Thursday to test, heroin probably won't show up. (My daughter's drug of choice is heroin.)

Also there are ways to monkey with drug tests. He can buy a flush kit which will mask or wash away the signs of all drugs. There are pills, powders and drinks he can take and within an hour or two will pee clean. He can buy fake urine or get some from a neighborhood kid. He can do a lot of things (with just a little bit of time, money & creativity) so that you won't get the true results.

Yes, my girl pee'd clean for a while. . .but she was using. The tests we can buy only tell us yes/no there is the presence of that drug. The drug tests that they have in rehab/detox test the amount or levels of the drugs in their system. One day my girl's levels were like 90 for weed and 120 for heroin. Two days later there was no weed but heroin was 190 and the next test showed no weed and no heroin. Even the counselor said these results could not be and knew she was using something to cover up.

I knew in my heart of hearts that she was using despite what the tests said. . . because of her behavior. She was also sleepy, sniffling, couldn't keep a job, always needed money. She also had the world's worse luck. Like, "Ma, my roommates were cleaning the fridge & threw out all of my food." OR "Somebody stole my phone & wallet. I need another." But she was calling from her phone number. OR "I was standing on the corner waiting for the bus when the police arrested me for prostitution." Oh. . .did I mention that she lived 1,000 miles away from me at the time? I caught her in lie after lie, too. "Ma, can I use Uber to go to an AA meeting?" She ubered her tail to a pawn shop.

Yes, I denied for a long time that she was still using and in the life bc of what the tests said and what she said. (I remember thinking that MAYBE the meeting was next door or even on the same block as the pawn store. OR MAYBE her roommates did throw out her food. Oh. . .the things we do for love!!!) I was an ostrich, putting my head in the sand and being oblivious to what my 5 senses and pocketbook were telling me. I wanted to believe that she was clean and sober SO BADLY!!!! I wanted to believe her!! I tried to understand her addict logic that 2+2=22. . .but try as hard as I could. . .I finally had to face reality.

I'll be blunt. . .again. . .I'm sorry. . .I've gotta ask so that YOU have clarity. Why do you not trust what your eyes are telling you? Why are you going to put your life in the hands of a test that HE can manipulate? I'm just asking. . .

Sending hugs & prayers,
Lynn

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on January 20, 2017, 12:49 PM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: January 20, 2017, 1:49 PM


Posts: 1585
Joined: June 27, 2016



hurtingmom - your memories touched me. tears in my eyes. it hurts but also brings some kind of closure to know the truth. crazy how we want so badly to believe that they are just making mistakes, and we can help them fix it. we hang up the phone believing what they say, yet confused by what they say. That should be the major red flag.... if it does not make sense, then there is a lie lurking somewhere. months or years later, I see a notebook or receipt or something that verifies that what I thought was a lie, was. Then, I realize that (he,she) knew exactly what they were doing and lying about. All they needed was me on the other end of the phone to manipulate. This knowledge helps me to heal the wounds. Knowing that I did not cause the destruction or the mistakes. It was their doing and they knew it at the time. Also knowing that it was the addiction that pushed them to the lengths to tell the lies and use us for money. knowing that I did my enabling part in good faith because I never stopped believing in them. Even though you stopped enabling, you did not stop believing in J and being her number one cheerleader!

( I hope my words dont make you feel worse - let me know if they do, sometimes I cant tell)

sharing:
my daughter was more outlandish in her behavior. my son cost us more $$.

funny story - my daughter actually called me once when she was living 1.5 hours away - to ask me to bring her cigs - bc she ran out and didnt have $$. said she would jump in front of a train! she seriously thought I would drive there. I did not.

another day - we actually did this! lol - she took a bus across town to look for a job. she got on the bus to go back, but forgot to get a transfer to another bus and got off the first bus, and did not have $$ to get on another bus. she called us. we could not figure out how to get her from one side of town to the other - she only needed a few dollars for the bus. she tried asking for change on the street. it was after dark, getting late. we did drive there to pick her up and drive her across town to where she was living, and then drive back home. while she waited 1.5 hours for us, she ate dinner at a restaurant and when we got there, we had to pay the bill. !!

another - she and her roommate were high and drunk and got into a fight and beat each other up. and she did not know why and they both said the other was lying and psychotic.

to her credit, she did get out of this and has be clean for 3.5 years.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 20, 2017, 1:53 PM
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Posted: January 21, 2017, 7:27 AM


Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016



Thank you for worrying about me NY. I never know what the day will bring but for today I'm in an ok place. I'm coming to accept that she took some bad s***t that would have taken down an African elephant. There was nothing I could do to prevent that. Your words could never be wrong bc they come from your heart, through the lenses of your experience & peppered with love. Thank you.

You described the turmoil we go through very well. Wanting....needing to believe our addict....desperate to believe....yet confused by their stories....I know that after a few months I started to hear in my head her say, "once upon a time" before she started. Lol.

And then the doubts we beat ourselves up with....and sometimes they use to manipulate us.....maybe THIS time S/he is telling the truth. The mental & emotional gymnastics I played with myself over this: am I abandoning her or saying No when she is telling the truth or trying to get clean & really needs me? We never know for sure. But it is hope and love that keeps us on their gerbil wheel of addiction.

It is soooo easy to get sucked into their madness. To focus on them & their needs and lose ourselves. How have we helped out addicts if we lose our sanity....drive ....and are tired? She was driving me CRAZY...cray cray...cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. For her entire life...22 years (in counting time in uterine) if someone asked me to pick between her and me, I would have said her. Hands down. No doubt. Take an arm...need a leg? The tough part was making the decision between Addict J and stressed out, suicidal, crazed me...and choosing me!!!!

Lynn

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on January 21, 2017, 8:37 AM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: January 21, 2017, 2:10 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: January 11, 2017



For someone to tell you what to do is not possible. Only you can decide...
You are in charge of only 1 life and that is yours. He is not a child and you are not his mama.
Some definite helpful things to help YOURSELF are got to AlAnon and listen to what others have done, take care of yourself (posting here was a start), and DETACH emotionally.
That is what addicts seem to be able to do best to those of us who are caring and loving and want to help. We get caught up in their sickness and don't do what's best for ourselves. Those are his choices to do as he does and you want to control and change the outcome. In a large part its all about control of anothers life. It takes away from having to face our own issues and fix ourselves.
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Posted: January 21, 2017, 5:04 PM


Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016



It is so true that we get caught up in their addiction and want to change them and make them become the person we want. Problem is we can't change them --only ourselves. Difficult to do because as moms we are programmed to nurture and love them. The craziness starts when we don't know when to stop nurturing them and then it becomes enabling, because they should be doing and managing their own life! It left me in disbelief!

The hardest part for me was realizing that he loved his DOC more than us and he chose that life over a life with us. I was looking for excuses for his choice, because I just couldn't understand how he couldn't see the love and caring we had for him and all we had done for him over the years.

Being on this forum has opened my eyes and made me realize that nothing we do or say will change him and it was up to us to make changes if we ever wanted free of his drama, lies, and blame. I know now the importance of taking care of us and letting him go!

I still have times when I miss him and I have to remind myself that the person he has become is someone else that I really don't even know anymore. I haven't heard from him in a month now and I have no idea where or who he is with. Last I knew he was still living in his car with two dogs and basically homeless at age 46. When I am driving and see a homeless beggar on the side of the road, I find myself looking to see if it is my son. How sad is that????

In all honesty, I have to say that I feel a big relief not having all his BS and lies. His texts and phone calls before drove me to tears and I couldn't even talk to him anymore. He has evolved into a person I don't know, don't recognize, and sad to say wish wasn't my son.

The only thing I have left is to pray for him and let God take take over.

Lori


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Posted: January 23, 2017, 3:28 AM


Posts: 35
Joined: January 18, 2017



good morning everyone
thank you all for your replies

my partners a heroin addict ,he was.when he relapsed he did "unga"
and then 3rd time it was pain killers

how can he be using if his with me 24/7? we go out together,we live together,the only time we are not together is when he goes to work and uses the bathroom

he works as a driver ,with 2 guys,one of those guys is my brother inlaw and he helped me many times to go look for my baby when he was on the road

so he would say if something is up

but how is it possible for him to be using if his literally right under my nose?

he asked me this weekend,how can be using if i have all his money which is true,i have his bank card,i have access to everything ,and because he wants me to have everything

if he is using ,would i not see the cold turkey over the weekend when he doesnt go out? wouldnt i see the withdrawal .wouldnt i see the craving? and wouldnt he be in a state if he goes the bath room and comes out 15 min later,wouldnt it be written all over his face? would the place smell?

am i losing my mind????
have i become so obsessed with this that its making doubt him?
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Posted: January 23, 2017, 3:41 AM


Posts: 35
Joined: January 18, 2017



i know exactly how you all feel ,i was there looking for him late at night,meeting drug dealers,seeing people who i asked for help shoot up in front of me,i watched myself get so deep into this that i started believing that everyone i met needed help i become so well known on the streets ,people used me for money left right and center.sometimes i gave in and sometimes i said hell no,im not going to let my money be the reason for your overdose and death

im 23...23 years old,never did drugs in my life ,was never a party animal,i was just a kid ,im still just a kid and after this experience it opened up my eyes....to a whole new world,suddenly i saw every one and everything ,i still wonder why God chose me,why i had to meet my partner that day ,why he kept playing on and on in my head

through out this whole journey i saw miracles happen right in front of me and i think this is one reason why i cant bare to lose him to addiction
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Posted: January 23, 2017, 9:19 AM


Posts: 1585
Joined: June 27, 2016



thanks for sharing. I have these thoughts. That you should think about social work or councilor as a career. also at the same time, learn the right way to help. Learn how to help without loosing yourself. Look into Community College in your area. there are certificate programs and single classes to get started in the field. look on line for job postings that have something to do with rehab centers. see what qualifications they are looking for.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 23, 2017, 9:20 AM
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