11 Years Clean ?? But Am I Clean??
Posted: July 9, 2019, 10:39 AM

Posts: 3
Joined: July 9, 2019

So here is an introduction to me . I have been clean from Meth for almost 11 years. My husband and i were addicts for several years with a year in between being clean as we welcomed our last child into this world. We have 4 beautiful amazing children and we have 2 grandchildren( one was born yesterday).
It all started in 2003 when we both 1st tried meth, I honestly didn't know much about it before we did it but that 1st time was enough and then began our new life ..the "life of an addict". Our marriage was falling apart , our bills were not being paid, I lost my amazing job from stealing 10.00 from the drawer and at that point nothing mattered not even our 3 kids at that time. We would do anything for that next high. Well it wasn't long until my family found out and there were 18 hours away. We had taken our 3 kids to my mother n laws and we made the choice to pack up what we could and we moved to the city my parents lived in because it was "safe" and thats where we first got sober.
Everything was going awesome and we were excited to meet our 4th child. Yes i had used in the first 2 months of being pregnant but was told baby is healthy . Our child was born in March of that year and I was so unhappy with how i looked. it wasn't until late that summer that we thought hey we can do the meth again so i could loose the weight and we can both work full-time my husband was working 2 jobs so we could still do our drug. We kept it hiding for a while . Heck we even had my parents convinced of our sobriety that they were willing to hold a mortgage for us so our children had a nice place to grow up in. We had a beautiful home and a beautiful yard. Life was great on the outside, but on the inside I was dark.
Our "family" was falling apart , we were fully in our active phase of using. My husband and i split up so i could get sober...ya right. We still were together but not in my parents eyes. See I was a Gold star manipulater and i knew what to do or say to get my next fix. Well I didn't pay my rent to my parents and I had every reason for not doing it ( in my eyes), I had lost my job as a hairdresser because I stole from the shop so much it had to close because it was loosing money( i honestly don't even know exactly how much I took but holy smokes must have been a lot to close down). That still didn't bring me back into reality ...I was okay I got this!! Yes I truly believed I had everything under control . Well with me being high all the time and going out to the bars etc my children suffered and they suffered bad. I came home one day after a night out and came home to a message on my phone telling me i had to contact the Ministry for children and families . I was so mad !!! M own Mother called me in!! How dare she do that to me ...yes all i cared about in that moment was me. I had the home visit and yes my 4 beautiful children were removed from my care. I had sent the 3 oldest ones to my friend down the road because no matter what my mom and Dad were sure not going to get them!!! My friend down the road was also my ecstasy friend but in my mind that was okay.(WTF was wrong with me?? ) and our youngest moved in with my husband, and thats where i stayed as well. A few days later I walked to my old house to get some stuff for the kids and to clean up the mess that our house was in. I walked into our home and I was shocked ...my parents had packed everything up into boxes and told me I needed to find a new place to live because they were not going to let me live there i had screwed up bad. Of course it wasn't my fault it was my parents fault ( the true thoughts of an addict) . So i knew how to piss them off and I did ...I phoned my mother n law and manipulate her into thinking my parents were off their rocker and I was not going to let them see the kids because they did what they did to me !!!
So I packed up our house into a moving truck and I moved my self and 4 children 8 hours away to where my mother n law lived . I knew I had to stay clean because we were living in her house my self and kids all shared a room upstairs all five of us in a small area. My husband eventually followed a month or so later. I had found us a duplex to rent and life was okay for the time being. We made this house our home. I was clean remember for almost 2 months now and felt great.Well a few weeks later our son woke us up at 2 am and said " Mom I'm coughing up blood and I don't feel well". We walked to the hospital which was 2 and a half blocks away and checked into Emerg. My son was very sick with phenomena and was admitted that morning. The dr said " he will be fine once these antibiodicts kick in". My mother n law called my parents because they needed to know their grandson was very sick. To my shock my parents drove 12 hours to just come and see their grandson, but i still was so mad at them .We were civil in the hospital for my sons sake. We never stayed together very long in the same room in the hospital, I was going to avoid them at all costs. So one day I decided to let my parents be the 1st to go up and see our son, that way we could avoid each other. Well my Mom called me at home and said to me " you need to come up to the hospital right now !!! your son is going down hill fast", I got to the hospital as quick as i could and my son was fighting for his life. With in hours we were flown to a children's hospital and it was 8 hours away from our home. I was told before we boarded the plane by one of the life flight paramedics the following " your son is very sick and I have to be honest with you, your son may not make this flight , as he is so very sick". That moment in time was a " rock bottom for me" I prayed so very hard and i begged for God not to take him and that if God would let him live I promised I will never ever do meth ever again. I kept that promise and have never ever smoked meth again. Our son was finally given a diagnosis and with that we were told our son needed a new liver . I felt horrible blaming my self for his illness but also I was very mad ...mad at God.I was true to him and didn't smoke anymore meth and he in return would keep my son alive!!!....well in true Addict fashion I was manipulating my 'own self ', to believe that of course it was someone else 's fault for my son being sick. I blamed anything and everyone else that was possible so I didn't have to face the truth. When I asked "God" to please let my son live and in return I would not do meth was exactly what was happening. God kept his promise and I also kept mine. So why was my son still so sick?? I t was then a few weeks later that I had witnessed several children fighting for their life, I also watched parents say their final goodbyes to their kids , I witnessed so much hurt and death in those last few weeks that finally a light bulb went off. I was given this journey for a dam good reason, I needed to learn and under stand that my children are an amazing gift and a gift that no one and i mean no one should take for granted, I put my kids through hell and then some, and I should be thankful for everything in my life. I also believe everything happens for a reason.
Our son eventually had a liver transplant and we were living a happy life. We would be able to eventually buy a car and started doing small get aways such as camping and mini vacations all being sober. I found a job that i loved and enjoyed working at. Honestly we had never been so happy and we were living the sober life. A few years later i found out that my mom had cancer. So I needed to be there for her,
The kids and i drove to my hometown and visited my family. After our visit we went home and returned to our daily lives.
Over the next few years a lot happened in our lives and these are just some of them :
son had a transplant
my mom had cancer not once not twice, but yes three times
we lost my mom 2years ago now
my dad took very sick
had a horrible falling out with my brother and his family
broke my ankle 4 times
helped one of our4 children overcome self arm
watched my son struggle with is sickness which led to drugs to hide from his pain
watched our grandchild be born
I was so proud of everything we went through that we didn't use at all. We kept our life on 'track" so I thought!!! I was only fooling my self. All during this time I manipulated my self and others in believing we were okay well I wasn't. I had just traded one addiction for another. I would still do anything to get money to shop. Yes that is what I said "to shop". So i would lie and steal and convince people to believe in me and of course, I only did this to my Family and close friends because we all know as an addict we only hurt the people we love the most, because in our minds it will be okay because they would never ever report my actions to any higher authority. They would never hurt us in that way.
As months and years passed we still remained drug free. From the outside looking in" we had a perfect life. We had just bout a new SFU, we were taking vacations regulary (not luxury ones), we had beautiful clothes and our home looked amazing. We had it all....heck I even posted hundreds and hundreds of pictures on Facebook showing every one " what a perfect life we had".
Well what a lie I lived in and what a mess I created. You see I had to have the best of the best , I had to make sure" I kept up with the Jones's", I would do anything and everything to get what made me feel great and on top of the world. I had traded my addiction to meth to my new addiction of shopping. This is where it was right in my face but I couldn't see it or I wouldn't see it. I would do exactly the same thing leading up to smoking meth but I wouldn't do the meth it was the thrill and the sneakiness that was part of the "high" I had craved. Well the other month my world came crashing down , I had finally been caught , my twin daughters found out that I stole from them . Of course when confronted I played the pity party , I'm so sorry blah blah blah. It worked for a while I put on my smile and went on with my life and then things settled or so I thought.
On Friday at work I was rushed to the hospital and i was in the beginning stages of a heart attack. My husband stood by my side and i was discharged and sent home to rest and follow up on Tuesday. I did follow orders did just that. I was told to take the week off of work and I would return to work today.
Well on Saturday evening I phoned one of our daughters the one I hurt so bad and stole from , she was very "distant" and i knew in my heart it wasn't good. I probed and probed until she finally told me. My daughter had done what no one and i mean no one had done before she reported the theft to her local police department and filed charges. Wow how could she do that to not only me but to her Dad and siblings !! How dare she call my younger brother and get info on me of my previous lies and stealing?? WTF was wrong with her??
I went into a deep dark side , I was going to run away and save the embarrassment of having my family go thru it all again. My daughter made a promise to not do this to her twin sister. How disgusting was she to do this? Yes again I was manipulating the situation again because thats all I knew , I had my own self convinced it wasn't my problem it was always some else's. I was clean , i had not done meth for 11 years. I had even wrote my own suicide note and in that note I would make sure that my daughter who reported me would suffer with quilt the rest of her life. I blamed her for my death, I blamed my siblings for other things and anything and anyone else except for me.
I read the letter over and over again for a few days...I cried and I prayed. I wanted a way out and the easiest way was to end my life. I had it all planned out perfectly. I would leave when my husband was at work and drop off our granddaughter and drive to a simple mountain road and text my husband the note i wrote and then i would turn off my phone so he couldn't call me and try to talk me out of it. I would then open the bottles of pills I had brought from home and that was a lot and so many different ones. I was going to make sure I did this one last thing in my life right!! I would have the last say.
Well the time had come and I was ready to end this horrible mess I created...but it was then my granddaughter turned to me and said " Grammie don't be sad , I love you" . How in the hell can a 2 1/2 year old say the simplest words that would save my life?? It was then I fell to the floor and cried holding our Granddaughter in my arms and realizing I had finally "hit rock bottom" How could I leave her ?? How could I leave my Family?? How could I make them suffer any more then I already did.
The phone rang and it was my mother n law and I will be honest her and i haven't talked in a long time because of my selfishness and my hatred towards her. Well she was my angel right then and there she talked me down to a level that made me re think what I was going to do. She had promised me it would get better and I just needed to hold on . She then came here to my house and she was just supposed to grab our granddaughter and our youngest who is 15, because I was in no shape to be around them. My mother law came up the stairs and just held me tight and didn't let go until I did. I promised her that if in the time between now and when my husband was supposed to be home ( 1 and a half hours) if I felt like I still wanted to take my life I would call her. I did some real deep soul searching and I mean deep.
It wasn't until later that night that it hit me....it took several steps for me to become an addict and it only made sense that it would take several steps to become a " recovered addict". I had a lot of work to do but with the help of a few friends and i mean a few , and a few family members I can be the person I want to be. I wanna be able to look in the mirror and say " look at what you did" , you are on the path of recovery . I know it isn't an easy one but I am going to fight and I am going to give it all i have to be ME!
So my question is to anyone and everyone is this "normal" I know nothing is normal per say in a addicts life., but i would love to hear from anyone with a similar situation.

This post has been edited by coolmom37 on July 9, 2019, 6:13 PM
Posted: July 10, 2019, 11:47 PM

Posts: 1757
Joined: June 27, 2016

Thank you for sharing your story. I read every word. I’m so glad you have new insight. I am a mom with a son in active addiction. You may find smartRecovery.org helpful. I have not attended meetings there. I have done some reading at the website. Some recovering addicts like it better than AA. There is a large amount of information. The online meetings may be able to give support and advice. I think there are meg gage boards to post on.

Good Luck, Glad u r here.
Posted: July 12, 2019, 8:31 AM

Posts: 3
Joined: July 9, 2019

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, it was a long one. I hope your son seeks help soon. Its a long road and it is never ending. Hang in there Momma.
Posted: July 13, 2019, 7:13 AM

Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018

Yes I to read all your story, well done on your 11 years clean, great milestone, they do say that one addiction can be traded for another, something I did take away from your post, it was a process to become an addict so it's a process to be in recovery, different for all, bless your little grandchild for saying she loved nanny, and the impact it had for you, I am the mum of a meth addict ( may of read my posts) long story, he functions well works every day, bit has no social life( mine is better than his) this kills me to see the person he has become, suffers social anxiety says he hates all the small talk, I thought he'd had his rock bottom a couple of years ago, but still using don't know how often, but functions well, give away he should have money, gives me board each week but no savings, I think really how hard is it??is that hard to say no to it?, is the come down or withdrawals so so bad, I really do try and educate myself about it, I think if he had a bit more in his life, a girlfriend or just to go out a bit more, things may be better, but there again that's my thoughts, I don't really know what he's going through, anyway may of got of track a bit, congratulations on your recovery and keep us updated
Posted: September 5, 2019, 6:10 AM

Posts: 27
Joined: August 22, 2019

Congratulations on your recovery !!! Thank you for sharing your story.
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