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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Ptsd Moment-take 2

Posted by: Parenting2 October 29, 2019, 9:56 PM
Hi everyone,

I have not posted in a while. I really feel a need to 'talk' tonight.

My son has been doing better. I think he is moving into the functional addiction stage rather than the trying-to-kill myself with the chemicals addiction stage. His friends have improved and he is going to school. His health is better and he is using much less. He still does not treat me very well, which I think stems from me putting my boundaries in place over a year ago. He thinks I owe him a lot and he is not getting what he feels he deserves. I do see progress even on this front, though. He's trying.

I am very burnt out on the past and the present with addiction. Sometimes I feel guilty because I feel so numb or frustrated. He thinks he is doing so great and he is, from where he started. For some reason, I don't feel happy about the progress. I guess I just feel numb and a low-level anger towards him. It bothers me that I feel this way and it confuses me because I don't want to feel this way.

When I first came on the board, I was running a sprint to save him, then a marathon to take care of myself and learn how to manage, and now I just want off the track!! It is a powerful drive to just be done with this madness and have my life back to where it was before this crazy, out of control spiral took over our relatively peaceful, happy lives as a family. This experience exposed all of us to another side of this city and another side of the law. I didn't want to be there.

There is a question lurking that I don't want to look at. Can addiction forever change the way you see a child? I hope not.

I hope someday I feel more refreshed and open to see the positive changes. Has anyone else felt like this? Maybe underneath all of it is just too much heartbreak. Or, a fear of hoping.

Posted by: Parenting2 October 29, 2019, 10:05 PM
Or, also that he wasn't "there" for a lot of it. He doesn't remember the really bad, scary times (he was so out of it), so he never acknowledges it or is affected by it.

Posted by: Walkedon October 29, 2019, 10:53 PM
My daughter is also doing better,using less and working. If someone could have showed me the future last year I would have been ecstatic.
But now I want her to keep going and I get so frustrated that she can't see how far she has come. I get angry when she uses,because it can all slip away so fast.
I know the way I interact with my daughter has changed forever. I had to put up boundaries to save my self and I will never take them down.

Posted by: BugginMe October 29, 2019, 11:55 PM
I don’t think that addiction changes the way we see a person. I believe in the beginning stages we could easily return to the relationship we once had with them. I think what changes the way we feel is more complex and may become irreversible over time. The way they treat us and things that happen changes us. Some aspects of the relationship could improve with their improvement but the bad memories never go away. Being repeatedly hit by fear, abuse, disappointment, manipulation, etc. causes our emotions to change. We become mentally sicker and our minds can’t recover without boundaries. That is when we sink or swim. We create distance between us and them for self defense. Do those feelings just go away when they are ‘cured’? I don’t think so. We have been hurt and emotions have become jumbled. I miss seeing my son but not this son. I want good things for him but I fear seeing him at my door. I think the anxiety and grief are permanent. I don’t want to be part of his everyday life and am not sure I can ever do it again with happiness. I want him to be part of my life but I really don’t. Our relationship has become toxic. I am not sure fences can be mended at all and certainly not easily.

Posted by: mtnmom October 30, 2019, 9:57 AM
P2 - I have been feeling the same way. My son too is doing better. He is working again & I don't THINK he is using but I live in another state so I haven't seen him in person since March. But the craziness has stopped.

I relieved that he is doing better but still very hurt & distrustful of everything he says. He also hasn't acknowledged the horrible things he said to me, his dad & brothers in the past 6 months. He actually blamed his brother for "destroying" his relationship with his ex girlfriend even though he was with this lady during the height of his relapse & she actually broke up with him Dec. 2017 & it took her 4 months to get him out of her house ending in her getting a restraining order & kick out order. He still has an obsessive/compulsive personalities so yes, I still do not trust him. I hope I can feel the way I used to but it's going to take more than an occasional phone call & I always have the looming feeling that it is just a matter of time before he calls & needs money to get into an apt.....

Posted by: Sallyanna October 31, 2019, 11:41 PM
P2, I have really given your post some thought. I can relate to what you are saying and feeling for sure. For me personally, I think my daughter has changed so much and from this experience (which is on going) I have changed too. I think it causes a major shift and how it affects each of us is very individual. I think it's a major life event having a child with an addiction. I've been through many tragic events in my life, this one is the most tragic and painful for me.

Posted by: Parenting2 November 1, 2019, 10:31 AM
Thanks, everyone. It helps to share and hear others commenting.

It has definitely taken a massive toll on me and my family. ONLY 2 years ago, I was happy and hopeful when he went into treatment (court-ordered). I was SO naive about where his head was really at. It really is hard for me to believe that was only 2 years ago. I am SUCH a different person.

He has destroyed things in our house, broken things of mine, terrorized me, and cost us thousands of dollars. When he was on spice and acid, I knew there was a real threat that he could hurt me and not remember it. I blamed the drugs and stayed in the game for so long, trying to help him. I never really held against him 100% because I knew the spice and the other chemicals were fueling the insanity. I was SURE my kid was still in there somewhere.

What really burns me is that since he doesn't remember most of it, he doesn't comprehend the deep pain he has caused. Now that he is doing better and is getting his life back on track, he continues to blame me for everything wrong in his life (most of it inflicted by the drug use). He still belittles me and feels I am not giving him what he is entitled to. Yesterday, he came over and had a full-on meltdown. The real reason was of his own making from irresponsible behavior. I guess it made him feel better to come over and verbally attack me for 45 minutes about how I have abandoned him and everything that happened was my fault. Seriously, it was unbelievable and unrelenting for 45 minutes. I did not say a word. He finally left.

I can't believe this is actually my kid. I was a good mom and he had a great childhood.

It's sort of my own private little hell dealing with all these feelings right now. I can't comprehend that he is doing better but still directing so much hate my way. Something has changed in me and in our relationship that seems rather permanent.

I think the primary feeling is betrayal or astonished hurt-like the anger is so misplaced onto me. I know many here understand the experience of having the child you gave birth to act like a monster towards you. It is an indescribable hellish thing.

Anyway, I have started seeing a counselor again and started going back to the gym. And, thought I would share here. THANK YOU for sharing with me.

Posted by: mtnmom November 1, 2019, 8:54 PM
It DOES feel good to share & have others share too! Unless one has walked in our shoes, they have NO IDEA how deep the hurt is.

My son did the same thing to his father - when my son was 4, his biological mom went on a 2 week vacation & never returned. Never once tried to see or talk to her children. She had 2 more children & left them with their father too... My husband raised 3 sons the best he could! We got married & as far as we were concerned, they were (and still are) MY kids. My husband & I have been married 40 years. But to hear the venom & hatred spewing from my son's mouth about how horrible my husband was to him as a child was unbelievable!!! So horrible hurtful, and we know it wasn't his true feelings because when he was clean we had an extremely close relationship. But he's never acknowledged that night & has never apologized. I don't think he remembers & he was SO BAD an apology doesn't mean sh** to me...

But he IS doing better, I don't believe he is using & he's working in an area that is away from his past drama & user friends. He is happy & we are trying to trust him again....

Hugs P2, you don't deserve this & you don't have to tolerate it. It's ok to tell him to stay away or only talk to you in a public place & not alone

Posted by: Sallyanna November 2, 2019, 9:44 AM
P2 I'm sorry your son berated you for 45 min. I've experienced similar with my daughter. (except she's not doing better). She never sees her part in any of her negative situations. It's always my fault or someone else's. I do think there is some projection involved too. Also, my daughter's emotional age is about 15 so she reacts to everything like a 15 year old. For me it's very sad. I never take anything she says personally.