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Message Board > Recovery Diaries > Getting Off Nurofen Plus


Posted by: Aussie girl June 14, 2014, 1:11 PM
Don't know why I'm doing this, all I know and hold on to is never giving up. So maybe keeping a diary will help me. I have always hated to wright. For a start my spelling is just awful and I never know what to say.
Well I need to get off Neurofen plus ( codiene and Iburprofen) Its been a good five years.
Have tried so many times to quite cold turkey and just can not seem to be able to do it.
So I am left with trying a quick taper so I can at least still function to look after my daughter. I have tried a couple times in the past to do so but not on a serious try.
So today I am down to take 17. It started with 30 two days ago went to 23 and 19 yesterday. My only rule is to as least take one less every day. I have to be careful now I really feel the anxiety creeping in. Need to take the taper a bit slower, not so many less at one time or I will bust. Its 3am and I am at work. I have 17 in my bag but will wait. Need to be careful. Have to make this work. Don't know what else to do. I know I know everyone thinking you can't taper it just can't be done. I don't know any other way at the moment. Cold turkey leaves me unable to function, actually can not move. Daughter needs to be feed, bathed, looked after.
So will try it this way.
Maybe already dropped to fast, to late now can't up my dose. Do have the anxiety put can function. Have to function.
Today will be a long day no sleep until tonight, have to keep busy. Haved lined up to see a friend in the afternoon so daughter can at least play with some friends for a while. Will be able to sit down then and relax some but until then will take my 17 and keep busy.

Posted by: Aussie girl June 16, 2014, 6:52 AM
Well today has been ok, can't say the same for yesterday. After getting off night shift and getting through the day on auto pilot by the time 5pm came round I took another 16 pills, so not great. Today I have had 15 and don't feel to bad. Have decided to try and leave taking them until the afternoon. Have had some anxiety but can certainly function. Guess all I can do is to keep going. I feel happy that I am taking half the amount I'm used to but am all to aware of how this can go down hill. I just don't know what else to do. I really should go to some meetings. Dam this, I just want to wake up and be like everyone else out there who does not suffer from addiction and think about other things instead of pills.
Early shift tomorrow so will leave the pills until after work. Can only take 14. s*** this Is going to get hard.

I have to function, feeling hot and cold

Posted by: Aussie girl June 22, 2014, 2:18 AM
Am still around, have not had the best few days. Taper not going well. Tomorrow I start on champix. I took it to stop smoking which did help. I quit the smokes three months ago so am hoping the champix will help to get off the pills. I have heard that other people have taken this medication with good results. All I can do is try. Can't give up. I feel like I have been at this for way to long and I should have stopped all this long ago.
Feel completely alone. Am tired and feel helpless.
Will check in tomorrow.

Posted by: Aussie girl June 23, 2014, 7:30 AM
Started the champix today. Ended up taking those evil pills to. What the hell am I doing. Husband was home sick from work so I used that as an excuse. Taper does not work for me it seems, I know some people can do it but not me. I was just fooling myself. Tomorrow it's cold turkey, there's just no other way for me, have the next two days off from work. There is a meeting tomorrow night, I'm afraid to go back, I haven't been in a few months. My house and finance are falling to bits. Have been to tired to care about doing house work and to keep a check on the money. My husband does nothing to help, he has his own health problems to ( nothing to do with drugs ). I know for sure I need out of my marriage, I'm tired of allowing my husband to treat me like s***, am tired of his laziness ( I can't talk as I have been just as lazy ). I need to pull this house back together so that I can get out. So tomorrow i start again. I can't give up, I have a beautiful 5yr old daughter who depends on me. I know this sounds awful but she can do without her father but she can not do without me. I know that is not a nice thing to say but unfortunately it is true. I have been trying to make my marriage work for 11 yrs, I have tried to get him to have a relationship with his daughter but he is just not interested. I feel so alone so I stuff pills down my throat to numb myself. It has been so long since I have actually felt anything natural. My mind is ready and I think the champix is doing some good. It's hard to tell. I AM READY to take back my life. My god I'm in for a bumpy ride. All I know is I can't give up. I have been around this recovery board for the last six months and I know I have not come very far. I am ashamed every time I log on but I have decided that if I can stick around even though there has not been a lot of progress then maybe others will come back and start again.

Posted by: Aussie girl June 25, 2014, 8:01 PM
Two days later, things are not bright. Have taken some champix however i don't think this is the answer. Feel quite low. I lay awake at night in total panic, the next day my mind starts ticking over. I don't know what else to say.

Posted by: Aussie girl June 28, 2014, 8:48 AM
Today I am clean of NP, I am on edge and even drove past a chemist on my way to do my night shift tonight. Thank goodness they were already closed or who knows. I was actually relieved that they were not open. I feel pretty low and scared. My cravings are there but I can manage at the moment. Am getting stomach cramps so I should probably hit the Imodium.
Have lined my day up tomorrow with a birthday party my daughter wants to go to in the morning then on to catch up with my sister in the afternoon.
It seems like it was a walk in the park to give up smoking put this codiene is another matter. My doctor has given me a small amount of valium to use for the next week if I need it to help with the anxiety. I always remember the very first 2 NP that a friend gave me for a headache I had, I will always remember how other then fix the headache it also made me feel calm. Thats all it took. I do believe the seed had been planted long before this. However being in a toxic marriage was what made taking more and more codiene much eaiser to justify.

Posted by: Aussie girl July 5, 2014, 7:48 AM
I did wright here today but lost the lot. pissed off. arrrg

Posted by: Aussie girl July 11, 2014, 4:28 AM
I just finished writing down some thoughts and lost the lot, why does this happen so often.

Well its been a month since I started this diary and I have nothing to really be proud of.

I wrote quite alot before I lost it and I don't have the energy to try and get the whole thing out again.

taking a leap of faith is what it really came down to.
I have been at this struggle for to long

Posted by: Aussie girl July 14, 2014, 7:14 PM
I have one more shift to do in two days after which I have organised to have 7 days off work.
If I'm going to do this, it is now or never. It has taken a long time to get this many days off work in a row. Tomorrow I want to clean the house and get the food shopping done then work the next day so Friday will be my first day off work, I am a 38yrs old and if I continue to take these pills I will not be here at 48yrs and my daughter will not have a mother.
Please If anyone reads this, keep me in your prayers.

Posted by: Aussie girl August 5, 2014, 3:56 PM
Nothing changes if nothing changes a wise women here has said on many occasions. Day four I'm heading into with out neurofen plus and to say the least it sucks, abdo pain, running to the toilet, can't sleep. Feel completely tired and agro. Don't know what to do with myself, I try and clean which keeps me moving and am trying to keep my emotions in check when it comes to my precious daughter.
My husband is of no help, no idea what so ever. He knows ex actually what I do but says nothing. He actually uses it against me so he can go and get his DOC being pot when he can get money out of me. I tell you one thing there will not be any money for quite some time as we are broke. After his DUI we owe the courts $1000 and also the truck he ran up another $47000 plus we had to increase our personal lone another $16000 so we don't have to bucks to rub together. But let me tell you it doesn't stop him asking me.
So like is not a bed of roses right now however we have food on the table and we both have jobs which is a lot more then others have so I need to be grateful for my blessings.
Thanks for reading
Bec

Posted by: Aussie girl August 23, 2014, 9:11 AM
I'm still here, I don't know why, its only by the grace of God. I have lost who I am. I keep trying. I am beyound scared. I'm so lonley. I feel like I am slipping away. I need help.
All I can do is keep trying. Please keep me in your prayers.
Bec

Posted by: Aussie girl October 8, 2014, 6:59 PM
Well I'm still kicking on and trying my best. .... Had some blood tests done, results were mostly positive considering, low iron and Hb levels which is to be expected.
Have my parents involved now and they are helping me do a slow taper, so I check in with them at least every two days.
Started off taking 30 a day am now down to 25 so. At present I am doing 1 less per week.
Its a hard road. This addiction has been all so consuming that I am scared of who I am without it. What do I do when there are no pills to take. Sounds stupid... but thats just how I feel. I'm sure I'm not alone on this.

Will check in soon

Bec

Posted by: Aussie girl October 17, 2014, 7:10 AM
I feel that time is closing in on me and I need to make a decision. Do I want to die with this disease or from this disease. Life is so short and I just don't want to give any more of it to this addiction. Its taken enough and I have sat by and watched it disapear. I need to get up and fight. I need to put as much energy into recovery as I have done with my addiction. What is it going to take. It has already robbed me of my joy and my health. If want this all back. I want my life back !!!!!!

Posted by: Aussie girl October 20, 2014, 7:56 PM
its been 24 hours and no neurofen plus, am feeling edgey, but thats nothing compared to what it is going to be like in another two days. Try not to think that far ahead. .....Got to keep busy....At work at the moment, work as an RN on the phones so there is no access to drugs thank god. This job is the only thing that has stopped me from losing my licence to practice as a nurse...... This taper thing just dosn't work for me, I think I have known that all along but the whole cold turkey just frightened me way to much...... went to the doctor yesterday and let him know whats been going on and if I don't do something about it then death IS my only option...... He prescribed me a small amount of valium to take only when the anxiety is two much so I am going to hold on to those until the last minute........Husband seems to have picked his game up a bit, he has been put on antidepresants over the last month and there seems to be some improvement, he has become somewhat motivated...... He has always known about my NP addiction and even the amount I have taken over the years but for some reason has been incapable of helping me......guess his had his own issues going on......anyway I sit here at work, I only have to do two days this week so that will help...... need to pick up some immodium on the way home.

Posted by: Aussie girl October 21, 2014, 9:13 PM
50 hours into this hell hole...... Hot and cold, short tempered, abdo cramps..... Managed to get out and buy a vacuume and get home. Had to buy a new washing machine last week as everything seems to have broken down. Feel like I have no idea what to do with myself..... Picked up some crampeze from the chemist........sposed to help with muscle cramps, spasms and restless legs. So will give that a go tonight.........stopped taking the immodium, was making me neausea. At least I have some maxalon if I need it........my mum's not happy, she wanted me to stick to the taper way, but as I told my dad it just was not working, I was cheeting and lying about it so cold turkey it is........have put some dinner on and after school I have to take my daughter to dancing so I am going to have to muster some energy up for that.......I have no interest in eating or drinking and I know I should be drinking plenty of water I just keep gagging on it. I have had to take two no dose tabs which is just caffeine tabs to try and give me a bit of. Boost, the only downfall with those is they tend to dry u out and when u can't even manage to drink water it can't be good.......... Well I might get the vacuume out of the car and try and get it working......I spent more then I really should have on the bloody think but the guy was kind enough to shave $100 of the price..... I jut had to do a bit of flirting. .....hehe

Posted by: Aussie girl October 22, 2014, 10:30 PM
78 hours in and I feel like i could crawal the walls, can't stop my legs from moving. I have no appatite and am flat out drinking water, not good......this sucks but it has to be done......last night I had the dreaded restless leg syndrome, bloody awful.. The only thing i have founf to helfp is using the compressing stockings which you can get from the chemist.......i had mine from when i had my little girl and then over the top I purchased two large brown stretch bandages and wraped them very very tightly around my legs which did give me some relief enough to get some sleep.....just a tip for anyone who may want to try it.........made it to work today then i have four days off, thank goodness.....All i think about is codiene and I try so hard to direct my thoughts its exausting......this site has been a life saver and I don't know how I would have managed to do with out it ,......such lovely people how continue to offer me encouragment.........i just can't fail now.

bec

Posted by: Aussie girl October 23, 2014, 11:04 PM
Well it's now four days and no codeine....... Had a good sleep last night and no restless legs. Woke up ok but absolutely no energy......I feel like I'm 100 yrs....went to an AA meeting last night it was good they welcomed me back with open arms......it's now the afternoon and things are bad ......real bad.......I'm so angry one minute and am crying the next.......then I have my head in the toilet throwing up.......my head is going a mile a minute......I really want to do something......even clean but I'm just to tired.......I pick up three things then have to sit down and catch my breath......husband came home so we got out of the house for an hour to pick up a few things........I so wanted to hire one of those motorized wheel chairs to get around In the super market. Lol.......I was exhausted just walking up and down the mall.......have to pick my daughter up soon and she will want to play........the one disadvantage of having one child......u have to entertain them........she's a great kid though.....really no trouble at all......my head is just screaming at me to give it its fix........but I try and block it out.......it's dam hard.....feel like I want to punch something.......anything......need to calm down.....I just want this day to be over.....I really hope things are better tomorrow as I have a full day and I need the energy to get through it......at the moment I am taking one minute at a time......just trying to concentrate on my breathing and the fact that I am not dying.

Posted by: Aussie girl October 26, 2014, 4:11 AM
6 days and no codeine........unfortunately........I did slip today.......had a night out......few drinks and some pot......plus a heap of cigs......no sleep......was hung over.......husband happened to have brought his endone meds with him and I caved........ended up taking four of them........there was no excuse.......even though it wasn't neurofen plus it was still a narcotic.......so now I feel at a loss.......do I start all over again.....I feel like I have thrown 6 days of sobriety down the toilet........what I won't do is let this get me down.......I just have to pick myself up and carry on......tomorrow is a new day......day one or day seven......I don't know....well that's a bloody lie.....of course I know a narcotic is a narcotic.......so back to square one......I was so proud of my self and now I just sit here in self loathing.......not a very productive feeling.......so need to snap out of it........no more ciggs for me and I really should stay away from the pot......it may help keep me a little carm but a drug is a drug........and I really don't want to replace one habit with another.........dam addiction is a b****.

Posted by: Aussie girl October 27, 2014, 3:02 PM
8 days no codiene but only two completly sober from narcotics. It's 5 am, have to get up at 6 then off to work........took the rest of the Valium so now m on my own.......husband will pick up some more pot to keep the edge of.......like to have a small one at tinght to help, my sleep........can't do that for two long.........or once again. Have another habit.......big day today......will then take daughter to karate .......then on to bathing, feeding.........and of course an AA meeting.

Posted by: Aussie girl October 28, 2014, 9:03 PM
Day 9 no neurofen plus but only day three no narcotics due to the bloody endone.........have been smoking a little pot and I have to say it does help.........I really don't like the stuff all that much makes me think way to much about life and what's it all about but I did sleep.......no restless legs........didn't even need my stockings.........went to the GP today to get a mental health plan written up so I can get 6 free visits with a psychologist........I do like our health care system here in Aus.........went to AA meeting last night and it was packed.......I did get asked to share so I thought if it can help someone I will do it so I did..........I'm so bloody tired......no energy what so ever.........have decided to help out at my daughters schol on a wednesday arvo which is today dam it.........but I won't let her down she is counting on seeing me come she loves me helping out in the class room so I will go........then she has dancing........it never ends.......at the moment I feel like this is so not worth it and what is the bloody point I feel awful.........I just have to keep believing it is going to get better that's all I have right now.

Posted by: Aussie girl October 30, 2014, 9:31 PM
12 days and I am feeling it big time.........the physical stuff has all but gone........but hell is where I am right now........the voices persistently screaming in my head to just get the pills and take the pain, the sadness, and the gutwrenching anxiety away........I just want to crawl up in a ball and scream......scream so loud that the neighbors think to call the cops..........I'm so angry that it feels like it is eating my insides out.......why the hell do I have to be an addict.........the rest of my family are not addicts.........why pick me God........what's so bloody special about me........there is nothing special about me im just an addict......plain and simple.........I guess it's just like when someone develops cancer........why them.......but then again why not them.
I will not take a pain pill today this I know for sure...........but tomorrow.........tomorrow scares the s*** out of me.

Posted by: Aussie girl November 1, 2014, 8:41 AM
well its now 13 days and no NP i thought it was 12 but turns out I'm at the end of 13 days......i'v decided the pot and the smokes have got to go if I'm going to do this I'm going to do it the right way......a drug is a drug to me....i smoked all this week and enough is enough I have masked my feelings long enough.....time to just feel it and get real about this. So tomorrow I go completley clean.......i have a feeling i'm going to be in a world of pain but am just going to have to suck it up

Posted by: Aussie girl November 3, 2014, 8:23 AM
Two weeks today, extremely lathargic most of the day, I don't want to just sit and watch the box. I have to move but it's like 20 min house work then 10 min rest. Anxiety in pit of stomach. By four in afternoon I felt almost good, even went for a walk and started yoga tonight.

I don't know what tomorrow wil bring I just want to live in the moment for now. The screaming voice in my head has dulled a bit giving me some relief but there isn't a half hour that goes by without me thinking about the pills.


Posted by: Aussie girl November 4, 2014, 10:14 PM
This is a hard journey.....my head feels as though it is spinning a mile a minute.......I feel I can hardly breath......I have forgotten what it is like to live in the real world with out pills.....I have forgotten who i am.......I have always had anxiety issues, even as a child......I just want to fill this big black void.......fill it with pills so I feel at peace again.......am worried I will never find that peace......16 days without pain pills and it just feels like it's impossible.......even breathing requires all my effort......I take my prescribed seroquel and it does help keep me a litle carm but the side effects a really bringing me down......so lethargic and I just don't care about anything much......I don't know what to do with my self......I saw the psychologist this morning....it was ok......due to go back next week.....she does not deal with drug and alcohol problems.....so it's hard for me to get her to understand......the whole experience was just over whelming and twice I had a panic attack just trying to talk with her.....I really just can't see the point at the moment.......the only thing I do know is I can't pick up another pain pill or that's the end of me.......I have been given to many chances to do this........and I have failed
There has to be a light switch in the dark here I just have to find it
So very scared

Posted by: Aussie girl November 7, 2014, 6:31 PM
Well it's the weekend, 19 days clean of NP, usually weekends if I'm not working or out somewhere I'm on the couch.......I usually can't even get out of bed to near ten o'clock if husband is home to get daughter breakfast.......now I'm awake by 5.30am and have to get up as no chance of going back to sleep........I continue to have a knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.......it often flares up to become overwhelming feelings of fear and sheer terror........so I am continually having to stop and just try and breath and focus on the fact that I am ok.......not going to die just yet.........I have completely forgotten how to live in the real world without taking huge amounts of NP...........half the time I just don't know what to do with myself........there is heaps to be done around the house but I just can't wrap my head around it........the seroquel is evening out a bit but I am still struggling with lethargy big time.........everything is a struggle but I can tell you I would rather have that then the anxiety that stops me from doing anything.......I am still struggling to eat......need to put some weight on......I can't comprehend how I am going to live like this for the rest of my life so I try hard not to think ahead past what's going on today....all I can pray for is to stay clean for today and let tomorrow sort it self out when it gets here

Posted by: Aussie girl November 9, 2014, 5:07 AM
20 days without NP.......today is the first day I have not woken up with the first thought being about pills......so pretty happy about that.......did not sleep well however......took me some time to shut the mind down.......this morning we went to church of all places......friends of ours have been wanting us to go with them for quite a while now........was never organized in time before but......awake again at 5.30 am and had to get up so plenty of time.......went over to their house for bbq lunch and board games afternoon.......decided to leave the smokes at home and didn't even crave one......I think I just smoke because I don't know what to do with myself.....feel like I have to have something.....could really do without them......but baby steps...not going to put that pressure on me at this stage......the anxiety I must say was minimal....don't know if it's the seroquel or just time doing its thing.....maybe a little of both.....well I'm so tired can hardly keep my eyes open and it's only 7pm......think I will hit the bed.....
Another day down

Posted by: Aussie girl November 10, 2014, 8:55 PM
Last night i tried to write on here twice and twice at the end when I hit post it came up as an error and I lost the lot, I'm on a different computer now so I hope it will now post......yesterday I woke up feeling like I had a ton of bricks on my chest.....had shortness of breath and could not get any control over my anxiety......managed to get daughter off to school.....i don't know how because I was shaking that much.....called doctor and coulden't get an appointment to later that morning......paced around and smoked a heap trying to get myself under control.....was worried about my heart as last year I was in hospital near heart failure because of these pills......got to the doctor and she did an ECG......everything ok with my heart thank goodness......blood pressure was up and pulse rate......she said I just had severe anxiety and gave me two valium.....also did my weight and I had dropped 7kg in the last four weeks.....not good I need to put weight on.....i look bloody awfull without cloths on....lol......the rest of afternoon went ok.....i was much carmer......today is 22 days without NP......work to day and then taking my daughter to karate then on to a meeting tonight which I am looking forward to.......I tell you this has been a wild ride......I will say though things are improving slowly......sometimes very slowly......but no matter what i'm not going to take that first pill.....
The light is glowing a little brighter

Posted by: Aussie girl November 12, 2014, 6:44 AM
I just wrote a whole thing and it woulden't let me post it......why does this keep happening......I will try one more time........today was quite a good day.......kept myself busy.......helped out at my daughters class for an hour.......can't keep still.....even had to delete all of the tv shows I had lined up to watch as I just don't have time for that any more......used to veg out on the couch for up to 8 hrs watching tv......not any more......the lethargy seems to have passed and feel like I have an abundance of energy.......feel like I may be in what they call the honeymoon period.......I know all to well though that things can change in a heart beat.......so do not want to get to complacent.......I'm just enjoying the moment.......don't want to think to far a head......will face that when it comes......my daughter is really enjoying a mum who is now engaged and spends quality time with her.......so I get my warm feeling from that......it feels so much better then the pills ever made me feel.......so over all a great day......and I hope and pray many more will follow....so 23 days clean of NP.....and determined for many more to come
Life is good right now......

Posted by: Aussie girl November 13, 2014, 8:53 AM
Day 24 clean of NP........was up early for work......I can tell it feels good to wake up with some energy and the first thought not being about NP........was even happy to be going into work......usually I would wake up feeling like I had been run over by a train......so often......very often would call work with some lame arse excuse about daughter being sick......but not anymore.......work went well and even had moments of feeling at peace........there were times of course when the anxiety would well up and I would have to think hard about something else.....I actually spent little time thinking about pills......it's just not an option......I know if I take that first pill I'm gone.......quite a few nurses at work commented on how much more color I have in my face and how well I looked.......I used to look like a sheet of paper........I now have a bounce in my step and have been smiling even at times laughing........I am struggling however with past things I have done whilst under the influence of large amounts of Valium/Xanax and also the limited time I have really engaged with my daughter up until now.......I'm just greatful she is five and not fifteen.......the house is now looking half respectable and am slowley working out our financial situation.........have just come back from a meeting.......I so look forward to my twice a week meetings.......so another day down....

The light is getting brighter......need to keep in mind to not be complacent.......not get ahead of my self.......1 day at a time........

Posted by: Aussie girl November 14, 2014, 9:42 AM
Well what can I say about today.........woke up feeling like I was back at day four of my recovery.......could hardley drag my arse out of bed and felt completely flat........anxiety was not sky high.......but it was certainly nudging me in the pit of my stomach......I have been preparing for this so it certainly did not send me into a panic.....managed to get daughter off to school......got home coulden't sit still......head space all over the place.....just took one step at a time.......did some house work and tried hard to think positive.......yesterday and today have been like night and day.........went to my psychology appointment........was ok........picked up daughter from school then off to work......felt like i was on auto pilot most of the day.........experienced waves of anger during work and had to take a few breaks to collect myself and breath.......not sure how long this phase will last but am glad to say at no stage did i think about turning to the pills.....that desire has left me......i do feel empty at the moment........i just keep reminding myself.......this to shall pass........taking pills is no longer an option........i just need to ride the wave......midnight finish tonight.........so being tired is not helping........well enough complaining......I have a beautiful daughter.....a warm bed to go to.......roof over my head.......a hot meal if i so desire.....and a job to go to........

25 days clean of NP
Am struggling right now but know i will get through it without picking up a pain pill.

Posted by: Aussie girl November 15, 2014, 1:19 PM
3 am in the morning and half way through a night shift.......have terrible abdominal pain at the moment making this shift even harder to get through.....yesterday morning woke up much the same as the day before........larthargic and had to drag my arse out of bed ......tried to get some house work done.....just felt like I was going through the motions in slow gear........just had no interest in anything and my daughter wanting my full attention........found it hard to keep a smile on my face for her..........come afternoon husband and daughter headed out to watch the football at a mates......i followed two hours later.......actually had a good night......even laughed quite a bit and enjoyed myself.....been such a long time since I have felt the joy of laughter........had forgotton that natural high it gives you.......and can tell u it felt bloody good........no serious thoughts of NP........yeah it crosses my mind from time to time......but its a fleeting thought......no real urges to go take any NP......every day my mind gets clearer.......in some ways this scares the crap out of me.......living in the real world instead of a fog........however in other ways it feels great to be fully present in the moment.....ate way to much pizza for dinner and smoked way to many ciggs which is why I probably have the pain now.......took two panadol and two normal neurofen.......not much relief but what can I expect after the amount of pain pills I was taking.......body is used to huge doses at a time.......so I guess it being 3am I'm going into 27 days free of NP......nearly a month.......that's a major achievement for me........my father said for the first time in I can't remember that he is really proud of me......now that did feel good......so all in all it wasn't a bad day.....

Posted by: Aussie girl November 17, 2014, 5:13 AM
Today I dont think I really achieved a lot........I find myself wondering around a lot thinking.....thinking......thinking........not about taking some NP........just thoughts.....trying to figure life out without pills.......after I dropped my daughter off at school I headed down the shops......got a bit of Christmas shopping done.........first year I can remember getting in early to do this.......past years it's always left to the last minute as I couldn't be bother......always to tired and bombed out.......even bought myself a couple of nice summer dresses........came home.......I have been smoking way to many cigs........I guess I just find myself not knowing what to do so I go outside and smoke and listen to music........there is heaps I could be doing around the house.......lots of phone calls to sort out financial stuff.........it just feels like there such overwhelming tasks to do.........so I wonder around the house........should have gone out for a walk at least.........picked daughter up......made dinner......bath.......read her some books......another thing I never used to do.........now both daughter and husband have gone to bed as he gets up at 2am for work..........so have decided to read some of the AA book then have an early night........my anxiety still remains.......sometimes if I think to much it gets on top of me.......however I am able to control it to a certain extent......am determined to achieve a lot more tomorrow......

So day 28 down and God willing many more to come......one day at a time

Posted by: Aussie girl November 18, 2014, 8:26 AM
Well today I achived a great deal......ended up doing around five hours of house work.......was sick of wondering around achieving nothing.........took daughter to karate and went out for dinner......then on to my usual Tuesday night meeting.....a few new comers there from rehab so they didn't want to talk.......however I did.......just to show them that I'm new at this to......and that I felt it was important to talk about it.......so tomorrow will be a month clean.......and it feels good.......I am so tired right now so have to go to bed.....

Another day down without NP!!! That's all I can ask for.......

Posted by: Aussie girl November 20, 2014, 6:04 PM
A new day and the last day of my week off........think I have done some good work.....didn't waste all of the week......back to work tomorrow to do two late shifts.......after my rant yesterday about husband......got on to clean the pantry out.......man did I find some scary stuff in there quite a build up of crap......ended up getting rid of a large garbage bag of rubbish from out of there......now it looks great......I love things organised......took me three hours.....went off to my Thursday night AA meeting........was having severe abdominal cramps on and off all afternoon but I wasn't going to let that stop me........even if I had to crawl there I would have made it.........it was a great meeting......it's nice to have people ask how you going.......husband has not asked once this month how I'm going or how I'm feeling......sad but true......I pulled him up about it yesterday afternoon and all he could say was I can see your getting better........then he asked if I needed recognition about this fact.......WTF..........just has no idea.......but anyway not going to let him affect my recovery........I have come to far for that......will just let him do his thing and I will get on with what I want to achieve.......so today I feel ok.......bit tired but not over lethargic like I usually get first thing when waking........and no thoughts of taking any NP.........i can't explain just how good it feels to wake up and the first thought not being about NP.........where I'm going to get it.......which chemist can I go to.........just total anxiety as soon as I open my eyes.........now that I do not miss.......so today really want to work on the front lounge area and getting it clean.......I actually would much rather curl up with a good book today which is the first time I Have felt like that in the last month......usually just can't stop moving.......so 32 days today and feel strong.....

Posted by: Aussie girl November 22, 2014, 10:25 AM
Well another day down.......actually had a good day......even verging on great .......I can tell u it feels so good to look down at my ankles and not see them swollen........it feels so good to not feel my liver and kidneys working over time..........it feels so good to lay in bed at night and not feel paralized with fear that I am going to die or wake up with the same feelings.......it feels so good not having to call in sick for work because I just don't have the energy.to get myself there......it feels so good to have energy and want to make an effort.......I could go on......had a good afternoon shift.....was able to work beside somebody I get along so well with .......it's a shame she will be leaving soon to move and work somewhere else......have an invite to her fearwell.....now if it was a month ago I know I would have pulled out at the last minute.......but am going and looking forward to it........my anxiety still sits in the background......but nothing I can't handle......I am just happy to be alive ......can't believe how much time I have wasted.......how much the pills took away from me.....the pain I have caused my parents with constant worry I had put them through......

So feeling pretty darn good.......always aware though not to be complacent

Posted by: Aussie girl November 24, 2014, 6:29 PM
The ride continues to bump along.......day 36......seems threre are just to many hours in the day at the moment........I guess I'm at the point where I think what is the point of all this......i knew there would be times when I would feel like this so I just try to get on with it the best I can......smoking way to many cigs........head feels a bit all over the show at the moment and feel a little tired......late night and early to work today.........I have feel like I have totally lost my identity and I can't remember what I used to enjoy doing other then motor bike riding.......have owned quite a few over the years but not at the moment.......sold my last one when I had my daughter........nothing quite like riding a harley........can't afford to get a bike at the moment..........I know this to shall pass, just got to stay in the moment and not let my mind wonder to dark places.......Everthing revolved around NP in the past from the time I woke up to the time I layed my head on the pillow so am just finding it hard to adjust to this new life style.........I'm sure time will sort it out........certailny have no intention of going back there........even though I feel like this at the moment ,if feels far better then my best day taking NP........

Posted by: Aussie girl November 27, 2014, 6:55 PM
Going on 40 days today and am feeling completely empty..........anxiety and a sense of hopelessness has settled itself within me..........over the last week or so I have to be honest and say on three or four occasions I have had a couple of drinks.......I am not a drinker but have found myself doing this the last time was Wednesday night.......I actually worked my way through a bottle of bubbly over the afternoon/evening.........could not sleep well and woke up yesterday morning 5.30 slightly hung over.......still I went to work .......it was a loooooong day......on the way home after work walking to my car I thought to myself.....I really feel tired....might just pick up a bottle of wine on my way home and skip my AA meeting.......lucky common sense kicked me in the back of the head.......I thought "really Bec, u really want to go there, your a bloody addict, this is not the road u want to go down".........so made my way home minus the wine and went to my 8pm meeting and shared my thoughts........so I still remain tired......feel like I'm back walking around in the dark trying to find that light switch.......people tell me I need a sponsor and to start working the steps........I don't know why am resisting.......partly I guess because I just haven't come across the right person.......but mostly it just feels like to much to get my head around right now........I am very aware this is just a stage I need to go through........feel like I am grieving for my old life........but then I think...." What life".......I didn't even have one......

Just my thoughts, will not turn back now though.

Posted by: Aussie girl December 2, 2014, 10:51 PM
Going on day 45 with no NP........however things are not great........last night I attended my AA meeting and decided to just listen and not share and am glad I did.........some home truths really have my mind haywire........I my be off the pills however........time to get honest with myself which Is what I got out of the meeting last night......yeah I may be off the pills.........however I am not in sobriety..........have continued to drink alcohol and smoke pot.........not a lot but I have just been kidding my self........ Even picked up some diazepam today.....WTF is wrong with me........my addict brain has let itself convince me.that this is ok when I know deep down its not........as long as I stay away from NP..........my thinking is so screwed up at the moment and it's really starting to get me worried.........I don't want to do this.........however my brain has taken on a mind of its own........thinking that a small amount of alcohol and pot is helping me.....when I know to well it's bloody not......really need to get on top of this if I want to experience true sobritey..........just need to be honest which is essential if I'm going to be truly free.....

Just being honest.......this us heen hard for me......

Posted by: Aussie girl December 7, 2014, 9:34 PM
Has been 49 days and no NP.........that's all I can say right now......

Posted by: Aussie girl December 11, 2014, 7:39 PM
Well 54 days on without NP..........but all is not well...........was struggling with alcohol usage up until four days ago I stopped.........still smoking small amout of pot most nights...........and work my way through the smokes like they are going out of fashion........struggling to keep my addict brain from telling me that it's ok to take some stuff which u haven't had a problem with just as long as u stay away from the pain pills............something just won't click in my brain........I know for certain that I am an addict..........but something is stopping me from just letting go..........went to my AA meeting last night and told them what's going on in my head........just saying it out loud to someone seems to help put things into perspective...........am missing my beautiful companion who I had to put to sleep after 14 yrs.......he was such a loving dog........that was two days ago........came home after he was gone.......looked in the fridge and saw some beer.........really wanted one which scared me so closed the fridge and left it alone..........I know all to well that I should get a sponsor and work the steps............it just seems so bloody overwhelming..........just trying to deal with life at home which is less then perfect.........much less.........working........taking care of my daughter........missing my dog..........feel like there is already so much going on in my head.........trying to add to that just seems impossible...........and yes I heard it to........excuse......excuse.......excuse.........I don't really know what else to say........we are heading to the Gold Coast for four nights today for husbands 40th...........and yes there will be weed and alcohol there........bloody hell.........this sucks right now......

Posted by: Aussie girl December 17, 2014, 8:25 PM
62 days and no NP..........have just returned from holiday down the Gold Coast.........had a massive blow out with alcohol,weed and valium..........just knew i would......there is no excuse........had friends stay so that made it that much easier..........certainly not proud of myself.......but am not going to throw a pity party........need to learn from experience.......came home and was shattered.....crashed and burned.......back at work today and feel fine even after only four hours sleep..........know the next two-three days are going to be hard........irritable,anxiety,depression and throw in a bit of anger........can't blame anyone but myself.........you choose the behaviour you suffer the consequences......WTF am I trying to do here..........my main goal was to get off the NP but now this..........is the penny going to drop.......I'M A BLOODY ADDICT FULLSTOP.......

thats all........meeting tonight......

Posted by: Aussie girl December 19, 2014, 9:18 AM
64 days no NP.......gave the alcohol and weed up......feel ok......at work tonight til midnight.....one more hour to go.......very tired this morning.....felt like i was back at week one getting off the NP.........had some coffee, shower felt bit better.......did some house work and shopping with daughter then off to work..........feel a bit flat......but expected much worse........wasn't a real full on blow out over the weekend..........but did have a few drinks and some pot.........still any is not good enough when your trying to get your brain to repair itself...........well back on another two lates this sat,sun.......i guess the pay will be good.........need it as our oven and tv have died while we were away.........had a good meeting last night.......got another number to contact so that makes two numbers i can call now........i do call one of them and text the other if i need to offload.......so just trying to take one day at a time at the moment........no urge or compulsion to take any NP.......

Posted by: Aussie girl December 25, 2014, 7:37 AM
going on 70 days now and no NP.......working this evening but was glad to at least spend the morning with my family......so lovely to see the excitment in my daughters eyes whilst opening up her presents.....feel ok.....no anxiety at the moment.....been going to bed to late so am tired but can't blame anyone but myself for that......I just enjoy the alone time at night when everyone else in bed.......been keeping up with meetings and love going....have been getting more contacts and using them which is good. Not sure what else to say....just happy to be clean and sober today.....

Posted by: Aussie girl January 14, 2015, 7:44 PM
Well it has been some time since I have written here.......very busy over Christmas/New year......am in a good place right now......finally got the courage to end my marriage to my husband which to my absolute suprise he took very well and we remain in the same house together until we can get it sold..........I now have peace in my heart and feel free at last from constantly walking on eggshells........it will be a very challanging time for my daughter but we have both agreed to make this as smooth as possible for her.........i will need to be on my guard however as husband can be unpredictible........well managed to make three months clean of NP but around 10 days ago I had a bust, could blame it on being sleep deprived and very stressed due to home situation but that would just be making excuses.......went looking for something to take the neausea I was experiencing and came across ten NP......I threw two down the sink and took the remaining 8.........well that just made the anxiety worse and for the following four hours was violently ill......i think mostly due to the guilt.......had a pity parrty for a day then picked myself back up.......can't beat myself up......no point in that......so right now I am in a good place and am very busy trying to get the house in order and cleaned to sell.......am getting no help from the husband but really didn't espect it......

just taking a day at a time and attending meetings

Posted by: Aussie girl January 27, 2015, 12:42 AM
Well time is just flying by........when i was first coming off the pills time seemed to me to be going backwards and I just didn't know what I was going to do with so much time.........what a difference being present of mind makes........now there is just not enough hours in the day....trying to get things organised with the house so I can get it on the market with little to no help off ex husband who would be happy to live there for the rest of his life with me even if we are not together.........I just want out ASAP........just love going to my meetings and even think I have found a sponsor who is willing to take new comers on.........just need to ask which is a huge thing for me........asking someone for help is not my strong point but need to get over that stinking thinking and look after myself and do it right........still smoking ciggs which I really need to give up........one thing at a time though don;t want to end up back at square one............all in all things are improving.......my worse day being clean far out weighs my best day being high on pain pills.........have finally excepted step three which has been a huge relief for me as I was finding it very difficult to let go.......

another day clean so another day happy

Posted by: Aussie girl January 31, 2015, 8:39 AM
Things have been going slow the last few days.........not sure if its PAWS but just really can't be bothered and have lost motivation.......trying to organise ex with a new job.........had a day or two off work........can't go back down that road........nightshift tonight......catching up with friends and going to my meetings.......really wish my ex would help but I guess he feels if he does nothing it will result in more time living together.......he certainly knows I will never get back with him and we are getting on ok......I'm just tired and want to hide away for a while by myself but know thats not a good idea.......I hope this gets better soon......still haven't reached out to the lady who I think will be good to be as my sponsor........really need to do this.......trying to be strong for my daughter........

One day at a time.......just keep reminding myself this to shall pass.....

Posted by: Aussie girl February 9, 2015, 6:36 PM
The days are flying by........am very busy trying to get the house in order so I can sell it......the ex looks like he now has a job.......have no idea when he starts........we do not have enough money to pay the bills.........I try not stress about it but it does weigh heavely on my mind.........I am finding this process very hard and have even had many thoughts of just taking pills and laying on the couch to zone out........but where is that going to get me.......nowhere........trying hard to keep my thoughts from running off to dark places.......am just finding it hard to do this without the help of the ex........am so looking forward to being in my own place.........i am now at the stage where I have started shaking because I feel so overwhelmed.......the lady I wanted as my sponsor will only sponsor AA people not NA people so that has been a big disapointment.........I am so tired.......but I will not pick up that first pill.......if I do then I'm finished

Posted by: Aussie girl February 14, 2015, 3:41 PM
Alot going on at the moment..........had a wonderful friend come over yesterday and helped me to organise my house..... got rid of quite alot of crap and she really did some changes to the house which now make it look much more spacious and open.....spent most of the day with me and i coulden't be more grateful.......took her and her kids out for dinner to thank her.......ex has been working hard at his new job.....and so he should.........am really starting to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel...........have decided to hit some NA meetings as I really need to get a sponsor........have been praying quite alot and it seems to be working.........feel so much more at peace.........have been doing alot of reserch on real estate agents and doing my home work.........am just about to finish a night shift.....had to have Friday afternoon shift off as I had a thumping headache.....hate taking time off work....but need to look after myself......doctor visit yesterday and have lost another two kg.....not good....I am 10kg under my correct weight for my height........need to eat more.....still smoking ciggs which dose not help........one thing at a time.......one day at a time..........

Posted by: Aussie girl February 16, 2015, 8:45 PM
Feeling very flat, lonely and a little heartbroken today........for the last three months I have been catching up with a lovely man from AA before each meeting to just vent and offload.......there was certanly some sexual chemistry which did not go anywhere and also alot of test flirtation.........he had just finished selling his house which he was living in with his ex and they parted ways......it was quite a toxic hostile environment he was living in.......he is very active in AA and is quite a successful man.......yesterday he has told me he is looking at reconciliating with her and they are now talking things out.......so the catch up meetings have come to an end as are the lovely texts we would send each other...........the only thing I know to do is to take one day at a time and not pick up that first pill..........

Feeling very alone........

Posted by: Aussie girl March 22, 2015, 5:57 AM
Well it's been around six months without NP.............have a lot on my plate at the moment......having troubles at my job......am still off work with full pay pending the results of a independent medical assessment.........I don't know if I should just resign......I have been there 8 yrs and really do need a change......I have got a new job and start work tomorrow.......am still trying to get this house ready to sell........have come to a complete stop with this.......just feel completely overwhelmed at the moment........my head feels all over the place........feel stressed and pissed off........just want to find a dark warm hole and go and lay there for a while..........I will not be able to get to any meetings this week as I will be at work........still am feeling completely alone since my AA friend pulled the pin on our close friendship......we are still friends.......but it's not the same........I am so bloody tired.......I am tired of trying.......I just feel like the more u try the harder u get kicked in the teeth.........am really not enjoying this pity party.........

Posted by: Aussie girl April 13, 2015, 6:56 PM
Well life has been s*** for me and unfortunately seven months down the track I have had a couple of slip and busts..........not proud I can tell u that........my AA friend stabbed me in the back on my birthday of all days and I am still going through the ringer at work.........I hate myself right now.........managed to pull myself back up and am back on track........a great friend of mine has been coming around and helping me get my house in order to sell........I really don't know what else to say.........I really wanted to pretend that my slip and busts did not happen but I would only be kidding myself.........feel as low as a dogs belly right now and extremely hurt by what my AA friend did to me..........

Posted by: Aussie girl April 15, 2015, 2:12 PM
Well here is were I put how I'm really feeling...........scared out of my mind...........these people from the nursing council what pathology taking to find out if I'm taking drugs........i certainly have not been taking anything a legal..........but still I may have the NP in my system and then I also ended up taking some of my husbands lyrica........God knows why I did that.......I guess my addictive mind took over..........I have also been prescribed alepam..........which is part of the benzo group...........so I'm a bloody hot mess right now.........and the board want pathology..............f*** I feel like I have screwed myself..........I have stopped taking the
Seroquel I was prescribed................so no right now I'm not doing so well at all........my big fear is that my boss from work may be reading what I have been writing...........I know she can not use it against me as this is a confidential site and she most certainly could try and use this as evidence.........I don't know how this whole site works.......moderators maybe you could help me if u have any knowledge on this or if anyone on the site has any information.......
Does anyone know how long medication stayes in you system?.............God I feel like everything is falling apart...........I myself feel like a failure.........I was doing so well and people were saying I was an inspiration..........well I guess that's not the case anymore..........I can't worry about that now...........need to get my head together so I can deal with this letter that I will pick up in 6 hrs........please guys keep m in your prayers.........

Posted by: Aussie girl April 29, 2015, 8:14 PM
well today I feel pretty good.......no more NP and still off the serequel and also the benzo's......am still dealing with work issues and am fighting like hell to get back to work.......the selling of the house is on hold at the moment until this work crap gets sorted out.......I will have to say though its a rainy day out....the house is clean.......and the thought of just taking a handful of NP and lying on the couch catching up on all my shows has crossed my mind........stinking thinking I know but I'm just being honest.......its not going to happen ........I refuse to end back up in HELL......