Helping Or Hurting
Posted: July 6, 2018, 10:50 PM


Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018



I am wondering how much I should be assiting my 30 year daughter to recover.
The last year has been hell. She has been arrested 3 times and has been in a mental hospital 6 times. She was sober for maybe 6 weeks recently but I know she was doing meth again last weekend.
She goes to drug and Alcohol classes but only because the are court mandated..
We live in a rural area with out punlic transportation and she does not have a car.
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Posted: July 7, 2018, 10:27 AM


Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016



I am not sure my advice is very good. I can tell you that I have been through this with my son. He is a Meth user (among other things) He is late 30s and has been using drugs since he was about 14. We did everything we knew to do during that time. I realize now that we helped him too much. He would have periods when he would do pretty well. This last spell lasted several years and was really bad. He was in many hospitals and did some very scarey, totally out of control things. He scared us so bad we were afraid to be around him. He always needed more help and money. It was overwhelming and caused big rifts in the family. Mental breakdowns in completely sane members of the family. We had to step away for our own self preservation. It was really hard to make that decision and take those actions. It went against human nature. How can a person not help their child? I think many reach a point where you just can’t help anymore. You reach your limit in one or multiple ways. Our son is now living on the street and still asking for help. Things he says are always mixed with lies. He is the grand manipulator. He is still asking for help and I know he really needs it so it takes everything I have to say no. We do have distance which has helped us recover emotionally and mentally. I am afraid all the time something will happen to him. But I am also afraid he will show up at our door and don’t want to be back in that life of drugs which is where we would be if I helped even a little. It never ends and things never seem to change.

Sounds like your daughter doesn’t want to change if she is still using. My son likes the lifestyle and now those type of people are the only ones that can relate to him. I believe he has permanent brain damage and is unable to make rational decisions. So what can I (or you) do to change things? I wish there was an easy answer. You could help her since it is hard for her to help herself being rural with no transportation but is she wanting to help herself or just coasting by on your efforts. Will things change? Does she want change or just using you? How long has she been using drugs and has it become who she is ... is she able to change.

I used to think they would never get better without our help and now I am not sure our help makes much difference after a certain point in the cycle. It is something within them that has to change. There may be a point of no return where they are unable to change who they have become even though change is needed.

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BUGS
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Posted: July 7, 2018, 10:32 AM


Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016



My opinion ... those mandated meetings are a joke. Mostly everyone there is going because they have to and are still using drugs. They make contacts there and have a new bunch of friends to hang out with and buy drugs from. Long-term inpatient rehab is the only way to beat it. Mention rehab and watch her run the other way. :(

This post has been edited by BugginMe on July 7, 2018, 10:37 AM

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BUGS
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Posted: July 7, 2018, 6:03 PM


Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018



My daughter is also in the grand manipulator club. I need a plan to walk away. Every time I try something happens. Either the neighbors are calling me or the police are calling. As though I have some power to controll her.
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Posted: July 7, 2018, 6:27 PM


Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016



Others will always try to put things back on you. You are the parent after all. Reality is they can’t make you take on the burden if you refuse. You can only be held responsible if your child is underage. Others are under a misconception that parents have some kind of control or answers. I started telling the police I wouldn’t come get my son. Told them to take him to a hospital or jail, whichever is appropriate. We quit driving him to the hospital because it was dangerous having him in the car. I am not responsible for what my son does ... he is an adult. I also quit letting him in our house and would call the police if we told him to leave our property and he didn’t. Told the neighbors to call the police if they saw him breaking in or doing anything peculiar when we weren’t there. It is not easy to put any kind of distance between us and them. Police are still calling us to ask what to do with my son and he is almost 40. Upsets me every time because I feel like I should do something. I am learning to say ‘I don’t know, do what you think is best’ and I don’t ever bail him out. I will tell them he has drug and mental problems so they are hopefully less likely to shoot him and not get hurt themselves. You can change your phone number and that will help.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on July 7, 2018, 6:50 PM

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BUGS
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Posted: July 8, 2018, 11:09 AM


Posts: 97
Joined: January 21, 2017



Parents often say, I wish there were a handbook on how to do this.....actually, there is one of sorts. The book, It's Not About You, Except When It Is, by Barbara Victoria, is the closest thing I have found. She does not have all the answers...but has walked the path and gives real world insight...it helps to be armed with responses to the world that can seem so harsh, judgemental and unforgiving towards addiction. If I had a paper copy, the pages would be sorely "dog-eared" by now. Keep reaching out----in any direction that brings peace. There is an amazing amount of love and support in this group..take what works, and leave the rest. You are not alone. Libby
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Posted: July 10, 2018, 11:53 PM


Posts: 368
Joined: November 16, 2017



The answer is simple, but not so easy to follow. Of course, we should not be helping adults, especially not financially. And, adults should not ask or expect help from parents.

Again, not so easy to follow! I would leave your phone as much as possible. Stop answering calls from neighbors and police. She is an adult and they need to talk to her. I would ask them to leave you out of it.

I realize this is much harder to do! I keep working on it . The more I detach, the better I feel, and the more clearly I see what I was doing was not helpful.

Keep sharing! Big hugs to all.
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Posted: July 11, 2018, 1:03 AM


Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018



Lets live in fantasy land for a minute. What if my kid actually wants to change. How much support do I give to her. At the moment she does not have a job or a car to get to a job. She has such a bad reputation that getting a job challenge.
Can I offer her some assistance .
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Posted: July 11, 2018, 3:07 AM


Posts: 8
Joined: July 10, 2018



Just like many other things in life it's how bad the person wants it. Most addicts/alcoholics have to hit what they consider a bottom to want sobriety. And as mentioned attending court mandated treatment, program are for appeasing the system or even a job, friend or family. They're their because they have to, not want to which means they don't have the incentive a bottom yet.

Don't make things easy for them, can show some basic courtesy but that's where it stops. Don't enable, never give money and maybe nudge them towards a bottom by not giving them sanctuary or validation.

Finding the incentive of a bottom takes time for a lot of people.

Good Luck.
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Posted: July 11, 2018, 8:45 AM


Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018



As you can tell I keep making excuses as to why I can't walk away. My former husband has schizophrenia and he never touched any drugs or alcohol. Every time my daughter gets hospitalized for meth induced delusions, I think maybe its not really the drugs that makes her act this way. Maybe she
has schizophrenia also. So I get sucked in to feeling bad .When she gets out of the hospital I make sure she has her meds,try to get ot her to appointments.
But of course its only a short time til the old habits reappear.
Im really trying this time to let the chips fall where they may.
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Posted: July 11, 2018, 5:14 PM


Posts: 30
Joined: March 11, 2018



Walkedon,

I am experiencing much of the same dilemma. My daughter is a type 1 diabetic. When she uses, she does not take her insulin. Her sugar levels rise quickly, and she can get acid in her blood in no time and she can slip into a coma. I want to let go and let her hit bottom, and then I think I'm sending her to her grave by letting her go. I've spent my life savings paying for her treatment, and each time she does well... for a period. Then, as you say, the old habits re-emerge and she's back deep in the swamp.

I keep waiting for all the treatment to seep in, so to speak. It has not happened yet. Last week, she went farther down than she had ever been. She moved in with a drug dealer when the sober living house kicked her out. She stayed with him for five days and used heroin all day every day. She had no money, so I found out he was pimping her out in return for the heroin. He also beat her. This, I discovered, from one of my daughter's friends. My daughter denies it. I believe the friend.

So, here I am watching my 18 year old daughter start to drift into prostitution, and it's breaking my heart. I have paternal instincts. A father is supposed to protect his daughter. I have to fight every bit of that instinct so she can find her bottom. She's never going to change until she wants to change. Standing by watching this train wreck is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.
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Posted: July 11, 2018, 5:44 PM


Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018



To join the club. I want to say something helpful or hopeful but I have nothing.
I want to yell from the mountain tops, Has anyone survived this?.
I feel as though I am passed caring about my child. She is an adult. When I hear about an 16 or 18 year old kid headed the same way it breaks my heart.
When my daughter was 18 I should have walked away then. I spent 12 more years enabling.
Be strong join the club. Maybe you will be the one that wins.
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Posted: July 12, 2018, 3:32 PM


Posts: 368
Joined: November 16, 2017



Yes, the reality is that this is a deep grief. We cannot avoid that reality. Just like a death or another loss, we have to keep it simple. one day at a time. Do the best we can and what we know to do. Nothing we do will change the situation. We can empty our hearts and bank accounts. I don't really understand why it does not help, but it surely does not help.

We aren't perfect, but we have to try to keep our head above water and not get sucked into the despair. It is okay to take a break, be happy, move on, do something positive for yourself.
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