Crisis Update
Posted: October 18, 2019, 9:26 PM

Posts: 1693
Joined: June 27, 2016

I am thinking about this stuff and didn't know where to post it....

I am feeling weird about my son's situation. he is at a local rehab, a faith based recovery organization. we have only had 1 10 minute phone call in 4 weeks. on one hand, I know he is safe and I am able to get thru my days without thinking about him too much. Sometimes I do think and wonder how he is feeling. but I know he cant be the man he is supposed to be if he lives we us and mom and dad are hovering over him.... It works for many people, but not for families impacted by addition. I know he has to be independent and learn to live without us. I know we don't have the tools to do that. the recovery organization has the tools to show him how to live a sober life. I want to be part of the good things in his life, but he doesn't need me now, he needs the recovery center. I do know that everything we have done to help and give him a happy life is not forgotten. He does know it and appreciate it, but he also knows that the way he lived before can not go on, and the way we lived before can not go on. so we are all better apart, even though we all had good intentions, we cant live together.

mainly the problem of enabling - he knows we will give him things and he knows now that us giving him stuff (car insurance, etc) did not help him learn how to live and take care of himself. he knows if he lives with us, he will fall back into the pattern. WE know our part of the enabling and we know we will enable if he lives with us. so, it is not in anyone's best interest for our son to live at home.

None of it is either party's fault. we all did what we did bc that's what addiction does and that's what parents do... some part of it is in my son's personality - wants to live like he did in college - doesn't want to grow up and pay bills or be responsible for actions - peter pan syndrome comes to mind.

Maybe my son's personality is one that needed a different parenting style. one that had more boundaries and less help.

One more thing - Getting thru the emotions does take time. After 6 months of our son being out of the house, I have gained weight back, I am more relaxed, not crying every day, not feeling like I'm living in fear. not locking closet doors, not hiding my purse and credit cards. not in financial fear.

My son called his sister recently on her birthday. he sounded happy. said the organization will find sober living home for him to go to where he can start working, he might stay where he is until December. we have a family meeting scheduled next week.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on October 18, 2019, 9:37 PM
Posted: October 18, 2019, 11:34 PM

Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018

I think you are doing great NTF and sounds like your son is on the right path. He is where he needs to be. I find your posts very inspirational...thank you!
Posted: October 19, 2019, 10:20 AM

Posts: 296
Joined: December 23, 2018

NY2FL - it is not a bad thing to feel relief with progress! You sound like a duplicate of me, like I see myself in you & your son's addiction. so hugs to you my kindred sister!
Posted: October 19, 2019, 10:47 AM

Posts: 1693
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hugs to all of you for reading and sharing and working on getting your life back!
Posted: October 27, 2019, 12:08 AM

Posts: 17
Joined: September 12, 2019

So happy for you and your son. There is hope now. 🤗
Posted: November 10, 2019, 10:39 PM

Posts: 296
Joined: December 23, 2018

NY2FL - How are things going? How is your son?
Posted: November 13, 2019, 7:48 AM

Posts: 1693
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hello, my son was doing well until it was found that he had his hair clippers in his room. They are not allowed, need to be kept at the office. He was discharged without finishing the program. He was there 2 months. He called me to say he was being discharged, they would bring him to an emergency housing place. Later after work we tried to find him and did not. His phone is not able to be turned on. He didn’t ask to come home. He counselor suggested we might want to bring him home for a short time. We have all said that it won’t work. When I told his dad, dad said ‘pick him up’, he can come home, etc... I guess I should’ve told his dad right away, but I didn’t want to ruin his day at work.

I don’t know what to feel about this. I didn’t tell his dad right away bc I was afraid he would be yelling about it and I don’t want to hear it. And I wanted to stay focused at work. So I waited until I got off work. I didn’t think his dad would say for him to come home. I thought we are supposed to keep him out. So I was wrong when he lived home and I enabled him, now I am wrong to not bring him home. I don’t like being put in the spot to make the decision, and then I’m wrong.

He is in the same homeless situation was he was when he left 6 months ago.

I didn’t sleep much, feel awful, have to go to work. Hopefully he calls us.

We went to and called the shelters, sent him email, tried texting.

I know he is probably ok, and maybe he went to the old spots and found drugs. And maybe he will call us today. I think he is angry about what happened and does not want to be around his father.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 13, 2019, 7:51 AM
Posted: November 13, 2019, 8:52 AM

Posts: 183
Joined: November 10, 2019

NTF please be careful because you have come so far. I think your husband forgot what life was like living with your son. I think he forgot too how badly it was affecting you and your health. As you know, they are very resourceful and he's likely somewhere familiar. I know the feeling of fear when they go homeless and the temptation it creates to want to bring them home. Then, I usually watch the show Intervention on YouTube and see all the chaos those families are going through and how everyone suffers. It doesn't help. He had positive choices after he was kicked out if he wanted to make them. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's hard.
Posted: November 13, 2019, 3:13 PM

Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018

Ugh. Why do "counselors " say to take the AD back. Esp when the kick the Addicts for not following rules.
Stay strong.
Posted: November 13, 2019, 10:07 PM

Posts: 1693
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hello all, the roller coaster continues. I called the counselor this morning to find out exactly where he was dropped off. She said after talking to me in the morning, he decided to go to a shelter in NYC where there is another program that may get him to housing and job sooner. Sooo…. relief that he was not lost in our local community/city..

I'm feeling relief that this may be a turning point that he made an independent decision instead of coming back to our home where the same old stuff will play out. I'm sure he is not comfortable and it might be quite awful. he is not a city person and definitely not a shelter person. we hope whatever it is, it works out for him.

It is funny how in the last 24 hours I do not really know where my son is or how he is feeling. yet when I thought it was bad, I felt distraught. When I thought he is ok, I feel OK. yet his situation was the same. my perception of the situation makes me feel better or worse. He could be in a very yucky situation in nyc, but there could be a silver lining.

on the other hand, I saw no hope for him in the local city (to either be able to get on his feet or to not use drugs)

I am reacting based on what I have been told. I really don't know what situation my son will be in , in a week, month, or year...

thanks for listening!

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 13, 2019, 11:33 PM
Posted: November 14, 2019, 2:07 AM

Posts: 363
Joined: November 16, 2017

NY, what a stressful, awful situation. I can relate to the emotional roller coaster of being up and down, when the situation has not really changed. Last weekend, I had a mini-panic attack about some legal detail. Then, I realized I was not even right about what was going on. I hate that my moods are so tied to these crazy thoughts I have.

You did the right thing in focusing on work and not calling right away. We HAVE to do this for our own survival. It is never a good thing for an adult addict to move home. It seems a little harsh to kick him out for his clippers if he was clean. But, I know rules are rules.

It is a good sign that he did not call or reach out in terms of a change in focus. I hope NYC has a silver lining for him.

Take care of yourself. I am sorry that you and all of us have to endure this kind of stress.
Posted: November 16, 2019, 11:59 PM

Posts: 1693
Joined: June 27, 2016

Thank you all for the support.
Walkedon - lol - you are right. WE are supposed to use tough love and kick them out bc they make our lives unmanageable. then they kick him out - and suggest we should take him in for a short time bc a shelter wont be a good place for him. he was doing well - everything else about his progress and behavior was good - 6 months clean - (4 in jail - 2 at rehab)

our house is not a good place for him - there's no sober program, no transportation, no social interaction with peers, his whole existence at our house would be a bad reminder of failure - 24/7. I basically said that to the counselor.

so complicated in so many ways. I am trying to stay positive and not think about how miserable my son probably is. I wonder why he couldn't ask someone for a phone to at least text me a short message.... maybe there's nothing to say.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 17, 2019, 12:05 AM
Posted: December 3, 2019, 12:42 AM

Posts: 296
Joined: December 23, 2018

NY2FL - I am sorry..... :(
Posted: December 3, 2019, 12:10 PM

Posts: 296
Joined: December 23, 2018

NY2FL - when my son was raging last April, he would flip out on ALL OF US & call us every filthy foul name he knew, threaten to kill himself, threaten to beat his brother's a** & so on. Then he would immediately regret it & call a private rehab center & have them ask me if I was willing to help with his recovery. I told "that's interesting that he called you, did he tell you he was fired from his job & has no health insurance or money to pay for it?" (of course he didn't, it was all a ploy that HE THOUGHT we'd believe he was serious about getting sober).

Counselors tell us to practice tough love, zero tolerance & stop enabling but when THEY practice tough love then they want US to enable our kid by giving them a warm bed & roof over their heads because he had nail clippers???? Really? That was the reason for kicking him out of rehab?
Posted: December 4, 2019, 9:01 PM

Posts: 1693
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hi Mtnmom thanks for checking in!
After 2 months of a 3 month program, my son was asked to leave because he hid his hair clippers in his room and was cutting other people's hair - both of which are not allowed. Yes, it seems the punishment is does not fit the crime, but as his counselor said he knew it was against the rules and he did it for 2 months. It does seem harsh because he was doing well and getting good counseling. the program would have found halfway housing where he would be able to work. so instead of that, he got dropped off at a shelter. It could be said that if you want to help a person, another month of counseling and a good path would be better than the street.

On the other hand, he does not like the slow process. It would have taken another few months before working. he had been in jail for 4 and rehab for 2 - so 6 months. he was getting itchy to start working. but - he should have thought about the long term outcome. homeless for the winter... which brings us to the 'not thinking ahead' part of the addiction life.

Except for the fact that it is winter in NY, I am comfortable with what my son is doing. He does want to separate from us. he understands that he needs to be independent.

btw, it took the whole 6 months for the 'cob webs' to get out of his head. he was not easy to talk to at first. we saw him in October at the rehab center. he was very good about taking responsibility for his actions. did not blame us at all.

he called last week, sounded in good spirits. The week before he said how hard everything was. I am holding my breath - will something turn for the better or the worst!! Ugh... hopefully just a matter of time until he has job and living situation.

Nice to hear your son is back to work and on the right path again!

There is Hope!

Posted: January 23, 2020, 11:54 PM

Posts: 1693
Joined: June 27, 2016

My son is still living at a shelter. He is doing what he has to with an organization that is helping him to find work and housing and possibly to take a class to make him more employable. He did get a part-time job at an addiction center - a week ago. The weather has dampened his spirits.

He came to our house overnight bc he had to go to a court date. picked him up at the train and put him back on it the next morning. I felt a thread of panic days before he got here. I feel much better since he left. His visit was ok, except he asked for $ a small amount. and complained about how bad his life is, and that the system keeps him like this. no housing, no job.

I understand it isn't easy when you have absolutely nothing. But it is the poor decisions over 6 years that landed him in a shelter. This did not happen over night. I feel like there is a problem with his attitude, motivation. Its like he is just sitting waiting for someone else to do something for him. like he has no fire to do better. I asked what the job is like, he said it's hard to describe. that's all he said about it. several months ago he chipped a wisdom a tooth, then a side molar's filling fell out bc of decay under it. a 3rd tooth has a problem. Currently he has Medicaid insurance. I understand that it is difficult to find a dentist, make appointments, but it is like he has no interest in going to a dentist. says he doesn't like the dentist... No concept of preventive maintenance. I have told him, he has the time now before he starts taking classes or working full time.. when he has time all day at the library or where ever he goes to stay warm, cant he search for a dentist and make some phone calls? !!! he says it's too hard and too cold out to try to go to appointments.

He said something about an appointment to see someone about taking a class... but then gets grumpy when we ask questions, says everything takes too long, 'they' say something and then it doesn't happen...

: ( When I've talked to him on the phone he sounds ok. He does go to a gym, but takes an hour to get there on public transportation. has to keep his duffle bag of stuff in a storage unit. no washer/dryer available. maybe it is emotional or makes him angry to be at our house and know he has to go back to the shelter. At the court date he found out he has to pay $900 in fines. I don't know details. I know he will have to pay about the same amount to DMV to unsuspend his license. at this point on 20 hours a week he will barely pay for phone and rent. How will he pay the fines.... and then have a warrant if he doesn't pay soon enough? This is the part of the system that does make it hard for people to dig out.

I did end up paying for a MADD class he has to take. and his phone for this month. its hard to say no when he just started a job. I just have fear and panic that he wont save or pay stuff when he starts getting a pay check... he says he will, but never has. He isn't mean about it, he's indifferent.

Thanks for listening. I know he needs to do this. hope he eventually gets motivated to take care of himself. I’m tired of the same conversations around job, housing, health...

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 24, 2020, 12:18 AM
Posted: January 24, 2020, 1:23 AM

Posts: 57
Joined: March 20, 2018

Hello NY2F,
It's exhausting, isn't it? The same things over and over. I hear you. Sounds like your son is doing ok, if not a bit better and you know where he is. The job is a plus. Fingers crossed that he can hang on to it. I hope the same for my own, although job = $ = drugs
How are you doing?
Love and well wishes for all xo
Posted: January 24, 2020, 4:03 AM

Posts: 130
Joined: December 30, 2018

NYT I have wondered how your son is going, although I don't come on as much I do check in every now and again, it hurts so much as we want different things that they want, and it's really frustrating, the only thing I have learned along this journey is, no matter what they have got to want the changes and put in, my son took himself of a couple of days ago, on a holiday, had a bit of a meltdown, told his boss he was taking 2 weeks of, so ATM he's at top of Aus, I am pleased that he has got away but still worry, said he's sick of living his life like this, back seeing councillor, isent ot sad, and I still won't let my guard down, due to know it's going to be wash rinse and repeat, it's ok for us knowing that we have to detach but it's still bloody hard to, hope he still continues to do well, and take care of yourself
Posted: January 24, 2020, 10:07 PM

Posts: 1693
Joined: June 27, 2016

Thank you for the support. I feel like he isn't honest or upfront about what he's doing. Feeling a little like I'm not sure if he's clean atm. like something is going on but don't know what. Not sure about the job - he said its a 3 mo internship that can lead to full time, but if he isn't putting 100% into it, I doubt they will keep him. If he is dabbling in drugs again, they will surely see it. and he wont last 3 months. He might not even have the job... idk... we wont know until we see the outcome. He keeps saying he's stressed out and cant sleep. that's a common sign that he might be using - or over medicating on whatever the doctor of the week gave him.

a few weeks ago he started delivering take out food thru Uber Eats. He was excited about it. he did good on the weekends. something to do to make a little pocket money. then the job started. it is on Fri, Sat, Sun nights so it is cutting into the busy times that he was doing the deliveries. The job is far away from the area he did deliveries, so it is difficult to go to that location after working. and the weather has been tough for walking a mile with a delivery.

we helped him financially with a few things over the holidays, a phone payment, a winter coat, and then it feels like one more thing, one more thing.... "I cant do this, I cant do that... I'm stuck here, I got kicked to the street... "

I feel like he does not get it that he made his life this way. if he is using again he doesn't see that it makes his days worse.... nope, its everybody else making it worse....ugh

Overall I did feel like he was doing OK considering the shelter situation. but this week, Im not feeling good about it.

Yes, wash, rinse, repeat. I'm feeling sad about it. and then I cant concentrate on things I want to do for myself. I just sit and dwell on it.

Yes, paycheck = drug use. I cant even get excited about him having a paycheck. at a part time rate after taxes, he might make $250 a week. which I think is great. but he will probably spend it in a day. or a week. and still not be able to pay for his phone. He will probably lie about getting paid. "idk when I get paid, nope not this week, they said next week, something got screwed up I still didn't get paid... " we've heard it all before....

I think recovery takes a long time. my son never did master any financial responsibilities, so my hopes are pretty dim... I will have to put up the guard again, and not answer the phone during work and limit my exposure to his problems. I don't think he cares as much as we do.

thanks again for listening! : (

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 24, 2020, 10:12 PM
Posted: January 25, 2020, 10:41 AM

Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020

{{{{ hugs to you }}}}

So odd, I just had a very similar conversation with K. She is being short and anxious, I think the reality of financially supporting herself is beginning to sink in. Her complaints are:

- She is balancing work, child, and school
- She does not have a constant place to live, so her stuff is all over the place
- She has a tough job that requires a lot of focus and effort on her part
- I keep bugging her about getting the utilities set up in the new place

And she just needs space and needs me to get off her back.

So, yes, that is a lot.. and pretty much what adulting, esp single parenting, is all about.

It is hard for me to keep my mouth shut.. she's done a lot of this to herself by living life via crisis rather than management... and she might not have her money woes if she did not go out to drink all the time. But I'm trying to watch what I say and don't say.

It strikes me that there is a huge emotional void inside K that no one can fill. And instead of trying to build her own internal support, she lashes out at the people closest to her, complaining that they are not doing enough.

This post has been edited by Jupiter2 on January 25, 2020, 10:49 AM
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