Manipulation
Posted: May 27, 2017, 6:26 PM


Posts: 1698
Joined: June 27, 2016



I am glad I found this website to post to. we really dont have anyone to talk to - just to express feelings... thanks to everyone for sharing. I have talked a little to friends and relatives in the past, but sometimes feel like I said too much. my daughters dont want to hear it. and my husband gets angry, so its best not to say anything. I was just thinking that the past is sad bc of their actions and outcomes and what could have been. and the future is sad bc we know our addict's life might not change much, ever. yet we still have the flag of Hope in our pocket - ready to wave as needed! I want to share that even thou my son is home and working, he isnt cured. still the same-ish behavior..... so I still need to keep reassessing my actions and reactions. how to be in his life for support (not financial support-which is his biggest problem) and also be out of his life enough for him to become independent. I think lack of independence might be a common denominator. in an innate sense. I read some where that a characteristic of addiction is a lack of taking care of oneself. allowing oneself to be dependent on others, going with what others want. not having a voice. even down to not able to feed or clothe oneself, putting others wants before your own.

hey parenting - at times in the past when arguing w my son about -- his behavior -- he would lash out to me that "you (mom and dad) are boring and have no friends and your (mom and dad) are miserable." and "other parents" are better and more fun... Oh, because we tried to set boundaries and plan ahead - we were "difficult" to deal with. when we asked questions about whatever he was doing and implied that something didnt make sense, we were "crazy".

lol - we are the most sane, reasonable people I know! and so are our friends!

the problem is that they are surrounded by dysfunctional people - they think that is normal!

my kids grew up not seeing the hard work it takes to cover all the bases of dealing w day to day life - they just saw the end result - kitchen stocked w food, cars always working, clothes in the closets, doing fun things on the weekends - for them!

we made it look too easy! If only we all could have a "do over"! but we cant - so we try to rationalize the past and make a better future for ourselves.





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Posted: May 27, 2017, 10:05 PM


Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016



So true! It is so nice to have a place to share feelings and have people who understand. I think Moms go through something different. Maybe a different struggle that is hard to understand.

My son says the same thing! I am always surprised on this board that they all say such similar things!! And, from all over the place.

It is a process to let go. But, it helps so much to have support. I have not told anyone some of the things my son has said. I have thought a lot about all the comments on here today. You have helped me see how wrong his behavior is. In the beginning it left me so bewildered that I put up with things---I guess because I was so confused. Now, I am not confused. I understand a little what he has placed himself him. And, so right, he is surrounded by people that are very dysfunctional.

I made the same mistake. Working very hard but not making him. I totally understand where you are coming from.

Anyway, we had a family picnic today. The first one he has not shown up for. I strongly kept pushing away the sad feeling of not having him there with all the cousins. I kept reminding myself that he thrives on manipulating my sadness and compassion. I had a GREAT day. I really did. Struggling a little tonight, but doing okay.

THANK YOU EVERYONE!
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Posted: May 31, 2017, 11:55 PM


Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016



I guess I am sort of trying to work out some things in my mind.

For some reason, I get the brunt of my son's emotional outburst, even when I have nothing to do with it. This can be so frustrating to me. I guess it is more manipulation. For ex, if something happens and he should be mad at person A (or no one but himself), he will take it out on me.

To be honest, the last few days I am intentionally trying to push him from my mind and life. If he would ever approach me respectfully, I would be there in a heartbeat, but I can't take the open hostility any more. Is it bad to say I am so much happier???

Something that bothers me and I have been reading tonight old posts on this-when he seems to legitimately think I am withholding something he deserves. He seems to really believe this. For example, two of his cousins and a friend have purchased cars-beater cars but they bought them with their own money. He has turned this around that they were able to save because their parents love them/support them more than we do, or some such reasoning. I feel like it is so hard not to be manipulated on this. He will make arguments that seems almost sensible until you add in the fact that he avoided some responsibility or that he "lost" something because he called me names or was aggressive. OR, that he had the same opportunity, but decided to blow his money rather than save it...

I will give his brother money for things sometimes, but he is younger and also is very respectful. Up until last year, I treated them both equally. I feel like my son almost makes it impossible to help him. I will sometimes be ready to give him money for a sandwich or something small...and he will say the most hateful things to me because he wants more money or something isn't right. So, I won't give him anything. How can I give someone something when they're being abusive? I really feel like it is impossible for him to be respectful to me right now. He will even admit that he can't do it. ?

Anyway, just talking to myself, really. I have backed way off and feel like to save my sanity I have to block him from my mind. Every once in awhile the guilt creeps in...or, worry that I am pushing him to this lifestyle by not giving money. He threatens that he will have to do "whatever it takes" since I won't help him with money. I don't even know what he means, really. Or, by taking care of myself, I am pushing him towards these people. But, I know that is not logical thinking.

Wow, doing a great job of pushing this out of my life, eh? :)



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Posted: June 1, 2017, 8:53 AM


Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi P, Your right about how they all say the same things and all have the same excuses. I've noticed that too. But like me you have got used to the same old same old and can't buy their excuses anymore. Your doing exactly what I would do in the same situation. Give him nothing. Remember the way he is living his life, he chose this! Not you! I see where you said he tends to aim everything at you. That's how it is with my daughter. I think the one they think is the easiest to get things from is the one they'll pick on and try to hurt the most. It's very hurtful too! Most of my daughter's anger is aimed at me. When my daughter was younger and living with me I felt happy when she would can leave for days at a time. It meant they'd be no arguments and the house would be so peaceful without all her drama in it. So I get it! I've been there too. You just have to do what your doing and ride the waves. His life will get better when he decides to live it the right way without drugs! Hang in there P. Mary🌻
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Posted: June 1, 2017, 5:09 PM


Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016



Parenting--

My son has always done the same things and said the same things. I swear they take an online course in what addicts should say and do! He just refused to even be reasonable and there is no talking to him anymore. His job (short lived as usual) at a wrecking company accused him of stealing copper and he probably did because all of a sudden he came up with money to pay three late payments on his car title loan. He claims it was the grandson of the owner that stole the copper. Well now he is out of a job again!

He text me that he was washing up in a gas station bathroom and he was ticketed for trespassing????? Then he text that he has no money, no gas, no food , and no family that cares and I am a cold hearted- bitc---and uncaring.

Well, I recognize this as the S.O.S I have heard for years and I know that money won't help him get better ,but yet I still have a hard time not worrying about him and waiting for the call that he is arrested for something or dead. I try very hard to block it out and to keep busy and to move on because I know these are his bad choices, but it still hurts.

I feel like there will never be any relief from this and from the drama and sadness of his life.
Then to top it off after a "feeling sad" day my 83 y/o husband decided to put the car in the garage and said his foot slipped off the pedal and he drove through the garage wall into my 15 y/o sons bedroom closet. He wasn't hurt ,it will be an expensive repair.

It seems like it is always something and I really would like to go live on an island somewhere--lol!!!

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Posted: June 2, 2017, 11:17 AM


Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016



I know you are limiting communication with your son, but he may not be aware that there are homeless day shelters in some areas that provide meals, laundry, free clothing, and showers. Sometimes doctors and counselors. I believe they are usually run by churches. You could probably Google homeless shelters or homeless day centers (something like that) and find out where there is one near your son. He could actually get to the location since he has a car. That would be of great benefit to him. I don't believe it is enabling to supply them with helpful information. These are different from homeless shelters. They don't allow them to stay but do provide many services to the homeless during the daytime hours and sometimes only on specific days.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on June 2, 2017, 11:21 AM

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BUGS
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Posted: June 4, 2017, 9:41 PM


Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi P. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and hoping your doing okay. Mary 🌻
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Posted: June 5, 2017, 8:56 AM


Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016



Parenting, Our children are all master manipulators with a feeling of entitlement. I wonder if being self-centered with no thought for consequences caused them to use drugs in the first place or if their drug use just makes them selfish. It may be they are just spoiled children that never grew up. Poor me and give me this or that. Either way, their hurtful words and blaming is hard to take sometimes. Be strong and try to remember that not all your son says is true. I believed much of what mine said and took many of his comments to heart, when it was all just a bunch of BS he was using to make me feel bad and get what he wanted.

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BUGS
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Posted: June 5, 2017, 3:52 PM


Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016



Thank you, everyone, for the support.

I walked last night, looked at the sky and said, "I have absolutely no answers and no clue what to do". : )

I have been reading all the other new posts and, again, shocked how similar the stories are. I really have no idea what is going on with my son. I wonder if he was not using, if he would have such mental health issues.

I've drawn a line that I will help him in a healthy way and talk to him if he is polite..but, if neither things is true, I will not talk to him.

He is SO manipulative it is hard to tell what is going on. The other day, he said he wanted to get a present for someone. I gave him a small amount of money. I found out it was a lie. I asked for the money back....of course, it is gone.

So right this lifestyle he is living is exhausting. And, I see no end. So, I am trying hard to live my life and move on. I cannot tell you the nights I thought he as dead, only to get ahold of him and him tell me off and call me names.

Sigh...so hard not to "help them", but I know it is not good for them. On another thread, I read lollee mentioned--- giving money for cell phone so he can call and ask for money. I laughed out loud. So true.

When I was 19, I went into some serious, deep counseling and came out much better. I did it on my own because I wanted to. I hope someday he does the same.

Wishing you all peace.
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