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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: April 11, 2009, 1:22 PM
It's beautiful outside. It's Easter weekend and i love it. I'll be leaving in a couple of hours to take the plane so i can go see my brother who i just love to death. Haven't seen him in years. Can't wait to hug him. I will hold his arm for the whole time i am there with him
But s*** is it every hard not to smoke a joint right now. And what about when i get there. I've never been there without having my stash of dope waiting for me. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. Usually, i would be really stone by now, waiting to leave. It's the first time in years that i am not stone out of my mind before leaving on a trip. Hubby understands me and says he is so proud of me. It's been over three months now since i've had a joint, but still every day is like ...how do i describe it. It's like something is missing. I cannot wait, just cannot wait, for the day when dope will not be on my mind every single day of my life! It's beautiful outside. Love this time of the year. For two days in a row now, i see a little robin. Love birds. There are bluejays and cardinals around here too. I always wished i was a bird. I love the way they eat just a little bit and how they don't seem to worry. I'm really upset at the city for cutting down all those trees right beside my home. I noticed lately there aren't as many birds coming around here since they cut the trees!! I'm all packed, ready to go and it's like i need to keep busy to get my mind off the stupid dope. Thank the Lord there is this site i can come and let all my feelings out! Mommy in heaven - be with me! This post has been edited by Fleur on April 11, 2009, 1:24 PM | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: April 19, 2009, 7:50 PM
I did it! I never smoked a joint the whole time I was visiting my brother. It was all around me, but I never touched it. At one point, i did find it hard, but I asked him to put it away so I at least did not have to see it. When someone did smoke beside me, I smelled it and it almost made me sick. I cannot believe it! It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo nice having all that money on me, buying anything I wanted instead of having spent it on pot! Thank the Lord I did it! It sure was an experience however. Being on holidays and not smoking my pot. But because I didn't touch it, I got up every morning in a good mood, looking forward to the day. I would not have felt so good if I had stayed up all night with him smoking pot. Thank you, thank you, thank you Mommy in heaven! I am truly, truly proud of myself!
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: May 8, 2009, 7:53 PM
This is getting ridicously hard. Maybe its because its Friday and I always find it soooooo hard not smoking pot on fridays. I used to love coming home from a week's work and smoke while listening to music and reading on Friday nights. The other thing I am finding especially hard is the fact that hubby smokes in the house. I just saw him roll a joint and now he tells me he.s gone to his brother to get some more. I've told him a couple of times that the fact he smokes pot is starting to really bother me and that I wished he would quit it. That's wishful thinking though. The guy keeps telling me he doesn't have a problem with pot, that he can go days without it blablablabla. And that is not even true. I don't know if its because I don't smoke it anymore that I notice that he smokes it quite a bit, i.e. at least every other day. I never see him miss a stupid day and then when I get cravings for it, I start wondering all over again why the heck do I have to stop it, why am I putting myself through this misery, when he's doing it and it doesn't seem to bother him at all. s***!
When I saw him roll a joint, I decided to get out of the apartment and go for a walk with puppy. So I decided to go see my neighbor who has plants to give me for up at the lake. I get there and what do I see him doing. Smoking a freaken joint! His wife is there too and I ask her : "Do you smoke pot?" And she says oh ya! I could see the way she is talking a mile a minute that she has already smoked one! I sometimes think I would be better off living alone. Hubby's drinking and smoking is really getting to me. Maybe its because I see how my life has changed since I quit smoking pot that I find it difficult being around him now. He drinks and smokes one day and then the next he's grumpy. Don't tell him it's because he's got a hangover and all. On no! I don't know what I'm going to do! I know I decided to quit smoking pot for my own good and I shouldn't impose my decision on anybody else, but s*** I don't know if I can continue living like this! I told him I wished he would quit. For goodness sake's he's 54 yrs. old. Isn't it time he stops that s***! We've been together for 20 years and I know it would be hard not being with him but if we continue to fight and argue, I'm going to have to make a big decision. Stupid freaken drugs! It's all around me, whether it's here in my own house, outside in my neighborhood or at the other end of the country where I go for holidays! God help me! Thank the Lord I've got this board to come to and write my angry feelings! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: May 30, 2009, 1:12 PM
YES! YES! YES! I'm celebrating my five months free of pot today. I'm happy. Yes i am. I actually still cannot believe that I don't smoke pot anymore. My friends don't either, especially my best friend who called me this week and told me she could not believe all the new things I have been doing lately. Got a cell phone (never did before cuz I didn't have the money. I was spending it on pot instead); got a tatou, went on a trip, bought some clothes and even a book,put alot of money away, bought some beautiful pink flowers to plant up at the lake, etc. etc. etc..
To be honest though, I feel like it's been more than five months. That's how hard it's been. I still have cravings, real bad ones sometimes, but then again I think I will have them for the rest of my life with all the pot I smoked in the last 25 years. I don't think my body is just going to stop having those cravings after having been fed the crap for so long. I have to keep on doing this one day at a time. Just one freaken day at a time. I'm so happy though today that I don't have to rely on pot anymore to be happy. I'm happy just being myself and I am soooooooooooo proud of the fact that I don't have any drugs in me. That is the nicest part about it all. I used to crave for the days when I would feel like this, that is, as a whole, ordinary person. I wanted to feel like so many people out there who don't smoke pot and who can still have fun, go to work, visit friends and enjoy just being who they are. I asked hubby today if he was surprised at the fact that I hadn't smoked pot in five months. He said no. He said when you decide something, you stick to your decision. That is so true. I'd forgotten that. Being a Libra, it takes me so darn long to make a decision, but once i decide i'm going to do something, I usually do it. I did that with my studies, my work, cocaine and now pot. YES! YES! YES! I am now going to go outside with my beautiful dog,enjoy the sunshine and hear the birds and reflect on the last five months. Who would have thought I would quit smoking pot one day!!!! Me the last! Please God give me the courage to continue on this road. Thank you mommy in heaven. I love you! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: June 23, 2009, 7:46 PM
I'm sad. Puppy is sick. I just can't stand seeing him hardly being able to walk. I love my dog. We've been together for nearly 12 years. Twelve beautiful years where he's always been with me when I am not at work. In all this time, I was without him only once or twice and never for more than a week. Vet says he suffers from a disc disease. He has two damaged discs and this is why he can hardly walk. Otherwise he is the happiest doggie around. He's so happy when he sees me in the morning and when I come home from work. We still go out for walks but just for a little bit. When he's tired, he looks at me and then we sit on the grass for a little while. I let him enjoy the breeze. I don't know how long he's going to live. He's on medication right now. Vet says if he was really healthy, he would have one year, maybe two more years to live but now that he is sick, god knows when I will come hom and realized he isn't able to move anymore and that will be it for him. I don't want to think about it.
Otherwise, i'm doing ok.Can't believe i will be celebrating six months free of pot in a couple of days. Six months!!! Who would have thought! How the heck did i do it! Cravings are still bad even though I have them less often. Life is so weird without pot when you have smoked it every single waking minute of your life for more than 25 years. This will be my first summer holidays without my stash of pot. I don't even know if i want to go on holidays because of that. Everytime i do go up to the lake, i miss my pot even though i still enjoy my time up there. I can't wait to see my brother again. I think I'll keep as many holidays as i can this summer so I will have more time off next spring when I will go see him. I'm so darn worried about his health and now tonight he told me he's going camping with a friend who I know does cocaine. If my brother touches the stuff, i'll be so mad. I won't sleep the whole time I know he will be camping. I'll pray every night that he doesn't touch it. He could have a heart attack any minute, so I can just imagine what will happen to him if he decides to party one night too many! Ugh... I noticed today how well I am getting along with the boss lately. Could it be because I am so much less paranoid and pig headed now that I don't smoke pot anymore? If so, thank the Lord and thank you Mommy in heaven for being there for me. I love you! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: June 30, 2009, 6:48 AM
YES! YES! YES! I DID IT. SIX WHOLE FAT MONTHS TODAY THAT I HAVEN'T TOUCHED POT!
I've seen winter and spring go by and now it is the beginning of summer and I haven't smoked a joint duiring all this time. Who would have thought! Today is my day. I am so happy this morning. It hasn't been easy the last six months, but I did it! I went to the lake this weekend for the first time alone. Oh my God did I ever think of smoking pot on Saturday when there really was nothing much for me to do. But instead, I went and saw the neighbor and I asked her if I could go for a walk with her and her one year old baby girl. We went to the beach and that kept my mind off pot. When I came back from the walk, the craving was gone and I sat on my neighbor's dock and watched the sun come down. In my heart, I kept thinking, you can do it girl, you can do it. You can go through this day without smoking pot. There were kids all around, fishing and having fun, I looked at them and I all I could think of was how proud I was of myself that at this time this year, I was watching kids enjoying their lives instead of me hiding in the stupid cottage smoking pot! YES! Today is another day. I want to buy myself something today during my lunch hour to celebrate my six months without one toke of pot in my body! I'm so proud of myself! Thank you Mommy in heaven. I love you! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: July 30, 2009, 5:55 PM
YES! Lucky 7. I haven't off pot now for seven whole months as of today. Who would have thought!
I was thinking last night of what the last seven months have been like and what I retain from them. First, I must admit I am happier than I've ever been before and yet I thought when I used to smoke pot that that was the best thing I enjoyed in life. The other thing is that I don't have panic attacks anymore. I only had one during all the time I've been off pot and that happened only a couple of weeks after i had quit. I've been on a trip, I've bought myself stuff, I've read more books that I can remember ever reading and I've managed to put quite a bit of money away - -- money I used to spend on pot. So today, I can say I haven't smoked pot for more than half a year! I rock! I thank the Lord and I thank you Mommy in heaven for being there for me! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: August 14, 2009, 10:24 AM
Today has to be one of the most miserable days of my life. In a couple of hours I am putting my 12 year old dog Beauregard to sleep. He is sick and can't walk anymore and I simply can't see him going on like this. It breaks my heart and I've been thinking for days how I will go through this straight.
Beau has given me such much love in the last 12 years. He is like my child and I simply can't imagine myself being without him. All I am thinking about is smoking a joint to relieve my pain. I don't want to smoke and I pray to the Lord and to my Mommy in heaven to give me the courage and the strength not to smoke. My life will be so different without my dog. Help me Mommy in heaven. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: August 15, 2009, 11:56 AM
My heart is broken. My best, best friend Beau is not here anymore with me.We've been together for more than 11 years and now he's gone to Rainbow Bridge and I am alone. Beau was so good to me. When I decided to quit smoking pot last December 30th, Beau stayed by me when I thought I would not be able to make it without a joint, when I thought I would die from the pain I was feeling from not having pot in me. He stayed by me for three days while I had to go through all the withdrawals of not having pot in me anymore. Thanks to Beau, i went outside with him and once again saw nature and appreciated it. Whenever, i had a craving for a joint, I had my Beau to keep me busy. I'm so lonely and sad without my Beau. God help me. I just hope Beau is thinking of me as much as i am thinking about him this morning. He would wait for me at night when he wanted to go outside and I was smoking a joint. He came with me to buy the darn stuff, we were always, always together him and I. And now, I'm alone. No more pot, no more Beau. This has been the most difficult year of my life. I loved Beau. I truly did. He was my child. Never complained. He looked up to me and trusted me. He always wanted to be with me. He was soooooo happy when he would see me when I came home from work and sooooooooo happy to see me when I would wake up in the morning.I truly thought I wouldn't be able to go through this last night and I thought if something was going to make me smoke a joint again, it would be saying my last good-bye to my puppy Beau. I haven't smoked.....yet.
God I'm sad. I don't know what to do with myself. Mommy in heaven, do you hear me? Help me, please! I swear to God I heard Beau crying last night. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: August 18, 2009, 8:27 PM
I cannot believe I was able to go through the last couple of days without having a joint. I truly thought i would after going to the vet and having to put to sleep my companion, my best, best friend Beau. I miss my puppy so much. Nothing is the same without him. But then when I think of smoking pot, i tell myself i would regret it if I had a joint! I don't want to give up and go back to my old ways. What good will it do to me? This being said, every minute is hell lately. The only thing holding me back is remembering those first days when I quit and how sick I was. Beau hated it when I smoked pot. I remember him waiting till I would finish my joint so we could go out and walk. When i would come home from work, he knew I would go to my bedroom and smoke a joint. He would sit there and wait. When I quit, the first couple of days he would still run down to my bedroom when I would come home from work, thinking I would smoke my joint before we would go out. After that he realized I wasn't going to the bedroom anymore come I would come home from work,but that I would instead take his leash and go outside with him right away. After awhile, he would just be there waiting for me at the door waiting for me, knowing that the minute I would enter the house, we would go out together. He loved it! Thanks to him, my quitting was a little bit easier cuz I had to take care of him first instead of satisfying my dope needs!
This post has been edited by Fleur on August 18, 2009, 8:30 PM | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: September 4, 2009, 8:15 PM
Well, well, well.! I am 8 months clean, free of my pot addiction. Who would have thought!! I am so happy. I had to put my 12 year old puppy to sleep and I managed to go through all this turmoil without smoking a joint. YES!
There are days when I still do miss a joint though. Not often, but still. I read on another section on this board that recovery takes at least two years and that's just the beginning. I also read that an addict, even after 11 years of sobriety, can slip again in a second. I know this is true and I pray the Lord everyday that I will always be strong and that I will not touch pot again. Hubbie still smokes.Never in front of me, but still. And even though he doesn't smoke alot, I told asked him the other night. Why are you still smoking at 54 years old? I'm so glad I've quit! Friends are coming up to the lake this weekend and these people don't smoke pot. Last year, when they came, I smoked pot the whole weekend right in front of them. And even though I know they don't care if I smoke or not, by the end of the weekend I myself thought ...these people must think I'm an addict considering all the pot they saw me smoke this weekend. I was a little bit embarassed at how much I had smoked in front of them but this weekend it will be different. They will never see me light a joint and I'm sure hubby won't light one up either! So therefore I will not be tempted one second to even have a puff! Life is good. I've got so much more money. I've even managed to put some away. I'm buying things for myself that I've wanted for years. I've signed up for yoga classes which I've always enjoyed doing but never had the money to sign up for them cuz I would spend it on pot!!! What a waste! Thank you Mommy in heaven! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: October 3, 2009, 4:56 PM
Yup, yup, yup! I have not touched pot in nine months. Yes!
And it feels like nine months. When I first quit, I never, ever thought I would make it to nine months. I never thought I would be able to go though the summer not having a joint. But I did it! I've seen winter, spring and summer without a joint. Now it's Fall, and I just can't imagine myself lighting up a joint after all that I have gone through in the last nine months when the cravings got so bad I honestly thought I would have a joint. Boy oh boy! I'm sure I could not have lasted so long without this Board and all the wonderfull people who have encouraged me not to give up. Reading other people stories about their struggle with addictions has made me realized that I'm am not the only one going through this. Their stories have helped me and have convinced me that I must remain strong ONE DAY AT A TIME! Mommy, mommy, mommy in heaven ----THANK YOU! I'm going to go back now and read how I felt the first few months when I made the decision to stop smoking pot. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: October 9, 2009, 5:45 PM
Well, this weekend will be the first time I will be celebrating my birthday without pot. For the past 23 to 30 years, I've always, always took drugs on my birthday. It's about time I quit that stupid habit. On Sunday, I will make sure I go out for a nice long walk in the woods and thank the Lord, my Mommy and all my angles for giving me the strength to continue on this journey free of drugs.
I must admit though that it sure is different knowing I am celebating my birthday without any pot. So far i got some real nice presents from some friends. Two beautiful CDs, some flowers and some beautiful cards, especially one from my brother. I miss him so much and I can't wait to see him again in a couple of months. We are planning on going to San Francisco together and i am sure we will have so much fun. I've always enjoyed travelling with him. He told me this week he hardly smokes pot anymore! YES! Sitting here listening to my new CD. This is going to be a beautiful weekend. Happy Birthday to me! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: October 21, 2009, 5:28 PM
I don't know why but I catch myself thinking alot these days of what its going to be like going through the Xmas season not smoking pot. I don't particularly like that time of the year so maybe that is one of the reasons I used to buy loads and loads of pot during that time of the year knowing I would be able to to smoke allllllllllllllllll day and allllllllllllll night cuz I was off work. It's stupid of me to start thinking about Christmas when its more than two months aways but for one reason or another it doesn't seem to get out of my mind. I keep reminding myself to stop thinking about it, that I will be okay, but still.
I guess its like that the first year you give up drugs. Every special occasion that arises during the first year you are sober makes you think of those times in the years pass when you would smoke your little brains off cuz it was supposedly a special occasion - christmas, easter, summer holidays, you name it. This year, instead of staying home during Christmas and New year''s, I think I will go to work. At least, I will be busy that way and I won't be sitting home all day wondering what to do. And plus, if I do work during that time, I will have more paid holidays to go on a trip at Easter time with my brother. It's so hard not being a normal person. I wish I would never have gotten into pot. I wouldn't be going through these stupid withdrawals that I constantly have to fight off. Even though I haven't touched a joint in more than 9 months, there are days like today where I just can't stop thinking about pot! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Maybe this is also the time when I'm really testing how determined I am in my regards to not touching the stuff again. One thing I do know for sure, is that I will never forget how hard it was to quit, how sick I was those first few days when I gave up pot.Giving up cocaine was nothing compared to quitting pot. I think i look a little better since i quit pot. I don't know why but everytime i see myself in the miror, it seems like i don't look so darn tired. I don't have black under my eyes anymore. One of my friend's said I used to look like a racoon! That makes me laugh. So, I'm just going to go to my yoga class tonight and thank the Lord I have money to do things like that now that I'm not spending all my money on buying pot! Ciao | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: October 23, 2009, 9:20 PM
I'm feeling good today. I cannot say enough how much I am happy to have found this board. It gives me the opportunity to write my feelings down and to get things off my mind.
It's so cold outside. When i get home from work i almost immediately put on my pj's. I used to love coming home from work on Friday nights and start smoking the minute I'd get home. I would smoke till I went to bed and then the first thing I would do the next morning is smoke a joint. What was I thinking? Now, I come home on Friday nights and i can't wait to sit down and relax and watch some TV and read. I always make sure I have a good book to read for the weekend and I make plans. I clean, I cook, I take naps. This weekend, I was thinking I would make apple pies. If I don't keep busy, I get bored really, really easily and then I start to think what my life was like before and then that's when the cravings start! Now, I just love staying up as long as I can on friday nights, hopefully till 12 or 1 o'clock, so I can listen to my favourte programs on the radio. Sometimes, I listen to the news of the world on the radio till 3 o'clock in the morning and despite that I can still get up early the next morning and enjoy my day. I used to get up with hangovers from having smoked too much pot the night before. That wouldn't stopped me however from rolling another one as soon as I got up. Then, i wouldn't want to do anything for the rest of the day. God, I've got to remember these things when I get those stupid cravings!! In the mean time, i just got to keep doing what i'm doing. Thank the Lord every night that I haven't smoked that day! I miss my dog so much these days. My heart breaks when I think of him. I don't know how i managed to go through all the drama of having to put him to sleep without ever lighting up a joint! I used to go out walking with him all the time in the park. Sometimes, he would sit and wait for me before we would go outside while I would smoke a joint. What a waste of time! If i knew now what i didn't know then, i would have much preferred being outside with him than sitting in this stupid house smoking my brains out! What a waste of time! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: October 27, 2009, 5:37 PM
I'm listening right now to a beautiful CD I bought today of Leonard Cohen in London. It's so much fun to be able to buy things now that I don't spend my money on pot anymore. For years and years and years, I went without things I enjoy like music and books and yoga classes cuz I would spend my money on stupid pot. Man do things ever change in one's life.
I'm doing okay lately. I told hubby last night I was thinking of inviting some people over for an evening of drinks and board games. He almost fell off his chair. He looked at me and could not believe I wanted some people to come over. I never did that in the past cuz I just wanted too to stay home alone and smoke pot and not be bothered by anybody. I didn't want anybody to see how much pot I could smoke in a day or an evening. Although i've always been a loner, I kind of enjoy being around people now and doing things like laughing and having fun without worrying about my next joint. Life is good. Thank you, thank you Mommy in Heaven. I miss you alot today. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: October 31, 2009, 12:06 PM
Yes Sir! I am celebrating my 10th month today without any pot in my body! YES!
10 whole months being clean! Go girl! Sure feels good! I'm amazed at myself! Never thought I would ever see the day when I would not have pot in my body!. Always, always thought I would smoke till I die! Used to love gettng up in the morning and have a joint! Couldn't go to bed at night without first smoking at least 10 joints! Ten months ago, I could not imagine myself going anywhere without my pot! I'd cry if I couldn't find any. Today, I am happier than I've ever been in my life! Thank you, thank you my Mommy in heaven! Luv u! Go Fleur Go! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: November 3, 2009, 6:40 PM
I had a beautiful day. I bought myself a beautiful pair of earrings that I've been looking at for months. I had told myself that I would buy them when I would have quit pot for one year. But at noon today, I was in the jewelry store waiting and waiting and waiting for this woman to show me those earrings. When she finally did, I decided to buy them. I thought 10 months free of pot was good enough reason for me to buy these earrings with a pearl and a sapphire. I love them to death and plus they were on sale.
Work was ok. Sometimes I get bored at work but when i think like that I keep reminding myself i am lucky to have a job and i should be grateful. Otherwise, things are okay. I'm glad its tuesday. I can watch my favourite program on tv and laugh for a bit. This post has been edited by Fleur on November 3, 2009, 6:41 PM | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: November 30, 2009, 6:19 PM
Well, well, well! I am celebrating my 11th month today free of pot. I rock! Yes Sir!
I am just now listening to a James Blunt CD and it reminds me what a great concert that was and what a goooooooooooood time I had during that concert without having smoked a joint before, during and after. I can't believe it! I also can't believe that 11 whole big fat months ago I made the best decision in my life. My life has not been the same since I quit my daily intake of pot. My life has changed from being a person contantly depressed, anxious and nervous to being a person who likes peace, quietness, loves life and appreciate nature a whole lot more. There were days and weeks during the last 11 months when I sincerely thought I wasn't going to make it. I would have died for a joint. How I went without it is still a mystery to me! Cravings are still bad sometimes butI certainly do not have them as much now. Thank the Lord! Will I ever smoke pot again? I don't know. Until then, thank-you Mommy, thank-you for being there for me. I miss my dog. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: December 19, 2009, 1:31 PM
It's like every hour I have to tell myself be strong. No you don't want a joint. I know I feel this way because it's the Christmas season and I used to buy soooooooooooo much for this time of the year, knowing I would be able to smoke all day long and all night. This will be my first Christmas in years that I will be going through the holidays straight as a bat.
The thought of pot is probably alot in my head this morning cuz I saw a bag of it last night and when I did, nobody was around. I could've touched the bag but I didn't, Instead, I turned around and went in another room. I thought...f... am I ever happy I don't have to worry about that crap anymore. Thank the Lord! I must do this one day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time!!!! I want to go to Brazil next year. I want to see my older brother sooooooooooooo much. I haven't seen him in more than 16 years. I called him two weeks ago and when I hung up, my heart was just so broken. I thought, this is it. This is stupid. I am going to see my brother again soon. I called the bank and made sure I would have extra money taken off my paycheck as of January so I could go to Brazil one day soon. I never used to be able to even entertain the thought of doing such a trip cuz all my money was going towards pot, pot, pot and more pot! I already bought my plane ticket to go visit my other brother again in a couple of months at the other end of this country. YES! I would never, never have been able to do these things when I smoked pot. I guess there are just real advantages at having quit that crap! I miss my puppy so much today. Hi Mommy in heaven. | ||
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