Faith Not Fear
Posted: October 1, 2011, 9:14 AM

Posts: 179
Joined: July 2, 2011

I'm trying to hold on tightly to faith to wash out the fear. The fear of how far this horrible disease has brought my son and his family to dark days and tears. I am better at it this time but it still hurts a lot. I am able to keep my hands off it for much longer periods, but it's still hard, still painful and still gut wrenching and sad.
His gf was terminated from her state job yesterday. this is the main employment in this small remote area. It's just one more more blow among a series of blows. Since "it" all came down she has called in a lot and has been late. She was on probation. I have anger, sadness and resentment to deal with and not sure how I am going to do that.
I am trying to just BELIEVE..believe that God's got it..believe that everything happens for a reason. Right now I am having a hard time with it. There has been one thing after another thing after another. It has been said that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Enough already God...I say ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to believe that this is the valley and that there is another side. A side with good things...
Four months ago both they both were working, bought a house altho it had quite a bit of work to do part of the loan added more money to do this. I could see signs back then..even further back if I was going to b honest. the mood of my son was always adversarial..argues with just about anyone who didn't agree with him. He was more inpatient, sometimes saw behavior that made me know, he's using but somehow didn't want to believe it. He has herniated discs and is in a lot of pain. He started to spiral..hanging out with druggies, taking off for long time frames, attention to babies and gf changed.. alot. I knew it was here it was coming but still tried tothink "It will get better..he would never not think of his babies".
Needless to say, the house remains gutted..time to pay the loan or settle has come. My son's dreams to have a hockey rink for Colin .. one of the twins..., the plans for celebration when it was finished, the joy of knowing that his love for them was so great that he wouldn't end up like this again has failed.
There he is at his gf house not dealing with anything just worried about his next use. He was a spectacular dad, loving, caring and devoted. How did this all change so fast and furious?
How did this situation with so much much apparent change turn into this horrible nightmare???? I am sitting here just in awe of how deep in darkness we are in. Praying to God for signs of hope..for just one twinkle of hope...will He answer me or make me wait..make me sit in pain and just wait.
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