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Posts: 16
Joined: February 25, 2017
Posted: February 25, 2017, 8:55 PM
My 24 year old son is an addict (weed past 9 years, then coke and more recently Xanax added to the mix. History of emotional disturbance since childhood (dx'd anxiety, ODD, inpatient hospitalizations, wrap around services, you name it). He's been on a downward trajectory since his father suffered a stroke two years ago (still alive but in a nursing home). I made it worse by trying to "help" him by subsidizing his apartment, groceries, car insurance...to the point that I have very little savings left. 10 days ago after being fired from his most recent job (for not showing up because he took Xanax and slept for two days straight), he rear-ended a car on the highway after buying drugs and fled, led state police on a high speed chase and hit them when they tried to box him in. Totaled his car and two state police cars. When he got out of the car police said he resisted arrest and tried to fight with them (he insists he came out with his hands on top of his head and they proceeded to kick the s*** out of him)
I got his call in the middle of the night from the police station He was charged with two counts of assault (class D felony in NY state), reckless endangerment, resisting arrest...motor vehicle charges. The only good part in all this is that he didn't kill anyone, or even seriously injure the police officers. But he's in a lot of trouble and I refused to bail him out. He has a public defender. Judge at arraignment gave him the max bail due to the seriousness of the charges. At first he badgered me (I put money in his phone account so he could call me and his lawyer) to bond him out. I stayed firm. At least in jail he will detox and won't pose a threat to himself or anyone else. I have been as positive and supportive as I can be, sending a card, visiting him once (awful, awful county lockup), sending NA literature from Amazon and a journal to write in. My brother visited him. His sisters are just done with him but they are supportive of me. I've never been in so much pain in my life, not when I divorced his dad, not when my dad died suddenly....I should be angry at what he's put me through, but I can't stop thinking about him being miserable in jail. Now that the shock is wearing off and the gravity is settling in, I'm overwhelmed by anxiety. I work and my managers are wonderful, will let me take time off if I need it to visit him or attend court dates, but I just feel so awful He hasn't tried to call me since Thursday morning and I should be grateful, but I find myself wondering if he's okay. Parents of kids who have ended up incarcerated, how did you get through this? | ||
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: February 25, 2017, 10:52 PM
Ellen--
Welcome to this site and glad you found us! You will find a lot of support here from many people in very similar situations. I am sure they all will be posting soon. This group has been my support through my anxiety and sad tale of my addicted son. When my son was 24 he had already been in jail 7 times. He was a drug addict since he was about 17. Not sure what he was on back then but he is a meth addict now at age 46. He has been in prison twice for 2 years each for theft and drugs. Each time we thought he would stay clean after being in prison for two years and off the drugs. Little did we know but they can get drugs in prison! They even make alcohol in prison by saving apples and fermenting them. I was so naive to this whole addiction thing and just kept supporting him and enabling him the whole time. I sent cards, money, and packages while he was incarcerated. I was really helping him just to continue on the destructive path he was on and I thought I was really being a good parent and "fixing" my son. I told myself that this time would be the one when he turned his life around. Fast forward to now and my son is still an addict and a manipulator. He has been MIA now for 3 months since we wouldn't pay for a car title loan he took out without a job. Last we knew he was living in his car with his two dogs and homeless. We have stopped enabling him completely and will never do it again! You shouldn't be providing them with anything that they can work and get for themselves. You didn't cause his addiction, can't fix it, and can't cure it! The only one you can change is you! He has already depleted you financially and now emotionally. Time to take care of you because nothing you have done so far has made him change. In fact as the years go by and nothing changes they get worse. If nothing changes--nothing changes! I pray you will be able to pull yourself up and rid yourself of the anxiety. Sounds like he will be incarcerated for some time and hopefully you will be able to breathe again and catch up with your life. At least you know he isn't out driving around and risking his and others lives. Keep posting cause it really helps to vent and talk to others in the same boat-- (((HUGS)))-Lori | ||
Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: February 26, 2017, 12:28 AM
Hi Ellen, I'm sorry your going through this. Most of the mothers on here know what your going through. I haven't had my kid go to jail as of yet. But seems to me they all end up there eventually. Your always going to worry yourself about your son being alright. Even when he's not in jail you'll wonder what he's up to and is he alright. I do the same and at times try to kid myself on I'm not worried. But I am! Him being in jail means he is supervised 24/7 always being watched. Maybe the reason you haven't heard from him is because he is going through detox to get the drugs out of his system. If he is I'm sure he's not feeling well enough to talk. Don't bail him out as it will just open up a whole new bag of worms for you. Plus he might not show up for court again and you will lose any money you put up if he takes off. I'm real sorry Ellen it's no fun being the mother of a drug addict but hang tight, you'll get through this. Get tough with yourself. We've all been where you are and we'll help you get through this. My daughter has been doing heroin, crack/ cocaine, you name it she's done it now for 18 yrs. She was 17 when she started on heroin. I've waited on her hitting "rock bottom" they call it, but she's never got there yet and I don't know why. Maybe you'll be lucky and your son will turn his life around and jail will be the making of him. I hope so!!. Look after yourself Ellen. We're all here for you! Take care. Mary 🌻
This post has been edited by Mandm on February 26, 2017, 12:31 AM | ||
Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: February 26, 2017, 9:38 AM
Ellen,
Welcome to the site. Hopefully, you'll get the support and reassurance you need, from all of us. My son is 30 and a heroin addict. He's been in jail many times throughout the years. Currently he has warrants for a couple of felony charges. It's only a matter of time before he gets picked up. It's not easy when our kids are in jail or prison. It's hard for us, as mothers, to think of them going through hardship (even if they're addicts). I always like to remind myself that if I were to commit these crimes, I would have to face the consequences of my actions. Well, my son also has to pay the price for crimes he commits. I didn't raise him to use heroin. I didn't raise him to commit crimes. He's a grown man and makes his own decisions. I think that if our kids stand a chance at all in changing their lives, they have to grow up and learn to take responsibility. My son always blames someone else for everything that goes wrong in his life. Even his addiction is "not his fault". It's his ex-girlfriend's and mine and his dad's. Your son is an adult and if he can use all kinds of drugs, go on a high speed car chase, fight with the police....he'll be fine in jail. Don't worry so much. It's not pleasant. It's not meant to be comfy cozy. The best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to detach. It doesn't mean that you can't love your son. It means that you have to take care of you and he has to take care of him. You cannot go in debt trying to save your son from himself. I'll say it again...you need to take care of you. Read story after story on here and you'll see that you are not alone and the only way you're going to get peace for yourself is by letting go of what you have no control over. You have absolutely no control over this situation or over anything that your son does. I wish you peace and lots of hugs! Take care and let us know how you're doing. -------------------- Michelle | ||
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Posted: February 26, 2017, 1:53 PM
Hi Ellen,
I totally agree with what everyone has posted. I think we have all lived it, in one way or another. In addition. I would strongly suggest that you seek out any local Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings. It can be a welcoming group that truly makes you feel that you are not alone. At first, I resisted going to any support group meeting. Some years later (yes, years!). I attended a local Nar Anon meeting. It was a relief to know there were others who lived the same hell that I had, and were able to listen to me. Please take care. | ||
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Posts: 16
Joined: February 25, 2017
Posted: February 26, 2017, 2:22 PM
Reading your replies through a veil of tears. I have been struggling with the shock and sadness and guilt and shame for 11 days now, and I'm wired and depleted at the same time. I take medication for depression and anxiety and have an APRN who both prescribes and does talk therapy. Had been seeing her once a month/every six weeks to check in, because I was doing fairly well after a long period of unemployment, financial upheaval due to a protracted divorce, and some nasty hormonal changes after menopause. I'm praying she's back from vacation by tomorrow.
My son's emotional and behavior problems started very young and are well-documented. I've been yearning for normalcy all his life and it just isn't happening. My ex and I sought help for him starting at age 7; we didn't always agree and that didn't help, and we were largely ineffectual in changing his aggression towards me and his younger sister. He wasn't a problem in the classroom, his teachers loved him. It was at home that he turned into a monster. The jail shrink called to get some history and asked if he'd ever been dx'd with a personality disorder. That's not making me feel any better. But I do appreciate your good wishes and I know it's way past time to go back to Al Anon. I started attending a weekly meeting three or four years ago when two of my three kids were abusing drugs and alcohol (I come from an alcohol-soaked family but food is my drug of choice). It helped, but after a while I just wanted to do something else on a Saturday morning, and stopped going. I was shy and didn't know how to ask for a sponsor, so I didn't work the steps faithfully. There is a meeting down the street from me tonight at 6:30. If I feel well enough to go out I will go. I am going to need their support and structure again to get through this. I've been on pins and needles all morning waiting for my son to call me to berate me for not visiting today. It's nuts, I know it is, but I have a knee-jerk reaction to want to fix things that are uncomfortable for him. And here we are. | ||
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Posted: February 27, 2017, 1:42 PM
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This post has been edited by moderator on February 28, 2017, 10:20 AM 
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Posts: 16
Joined: February 25, 2017
Posted: February 27, 2017, 3:33 PM
Believe me, I am storming heaven with prayers. I also have many people praying for my son (I work as a church admin), and I thank God that I have the kind of work environment where I don't have to keep my sorrow a secret. Prayer for my son is my first go-to ....and then I pray for my family and myself. And meditate as best I can with the squirrels running around in my head. I see the wisdom in detaching with with love and pray for help doing that.
In the meantime, it's hard to focus on work or anything else with the anxiety I'm experiencing. I've reached out to my therapist for help and I duck into the sanctuary of the church where I work to pray for a minute or two. And remember to breathe. I'm worried about how my son is going to react when he realizes the Teflon he's been wearing has worn off, and he may be in custody for some time. The prison at least is trying to address his mental health and substance abuse issues. He called me yesterday and we spoke briefly, he was talking fast (he's been drug free for 10 days, the longest period in the past 9 years) and expressed hope that he can do treatment outpatient....he's facing felony assault charges....I don't see him getting out any time soon and I"m just so wipe out and not ready to deal with his anguish. Thank you everyone who has responded. I am reading other stories and my heart is breaking for those of you whose children have OD'd or been in and out of rehab like a revolving door. I will pray for all of you as well. | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 27, 2017, 8:25 PM
Thank you for sharing - the police may have given your son a few kicks - they dont like to chase someone - people can get hurt - and they dont like their cars wrecked by people under the influence. my son had several accidents - totaled 3 cars in two years. one was very bad - he fell asleep at 4pm in the afternoon - mixture of drugs and xanax. lucky he was not paralyzed and lucky no one else got hurt. after that and to our dying day - we will not participate in buying him a car or let him drive ours. He has lived and worked for the past year in an area where he could walk or take public transportation. the jobs within walking distance are limited. he avoided public transportation.....
sounds like you have to dust off all of your support tools! let us know how you are doing. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 27, 2017, 8:27 PM | ||
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Posts: 16
Joined: February 25, 2017
Posted: February 28, 2017, 6:46 PM
Update: Court appearance for my son this morning. Got adjourned until March 28. They don't have the medical reports for the police officers involved in the collision/resistance to arrest and if they are not serious injuries the felony assault charges may be dropped. That is good news. It's also good news that he is supposed to have a social work evaluation and the medical director at the jail is looking for an inpatient treatment place for him, under the state's jurisdiction. His public defender really believes he won't be sentenced to jail but at the very least will have an long probation period, like 5 years.
He was permitted to speak to me (in front of police and other inmates) before he appeared, and he used his time to try to convince me to bond him out. I continued to refuse. He didn't like that and threatened (!) to fire his free lawyer and represent himself. I didn't rise to the bait and finally the police said enough and I returned to my seat in the courtroom. I told him I would visit him Sunday during regular visiting hours at the jail and not to call me in the meantime. He started to call me as soon as I got back to my office so I turned the ringer off so I could work in peace. I listened to a couple of his attempts (jail phone system allows him to speak his name so I know who is calling me, then I can accept or reject call) on my voicemail and some were garbled but the last two sounded a bit ominous: he said he was still at booking. Booking for what? he's already in jail. I'm wondering if he did something that resulted in another charge while he was still at the local courthouse, something to signal to the world that he wasn't happy with how he is being treated, and that he's now in more trouble. That tortures me, that he's disintegrating because mom isn't making it all better like she always has, but I cannot stand to be held hostage to his emotional blackmail another second. Like a previous poster said, nothing changes if nothing changes. My heart is broken when I think of him sad and vulnerable, then I get angry with him for his attempted manipulation. Today I didn't see remorse or contrition for what he has done, only that he wants his way. I wish I could stay angry. | ||
Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: February 28, 2017, 9:14 PM
That is what gets them in these situations to start with...poor judgement and impulsiveness including the drug use. They have no self control but are quick to try and control others to get what they want. When that stops working they don't know what to do any more. I used to think, "OMG my son is in jail with all those criminals. I have to get him out!" Then I realized he is one of those criminals. They do the crime but don't want to do the time. They are so used to breaking rules and getting away with it that they often feel unjustly punished. Hopefully your son didn't throw a tantrum and get into more trouble but there is nothing you could have done to stop it. You can't save him especially from his own actions. It does them no favors when we rescue because they never learn that there are consequences for their actions. Sounds like this might be a good thing if they send him to rehab.
This post has been edited by BugginMe on February 28, 2017, 9:17 PM -------------------- BUGS | ||
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Posts: 16
Joined: February 25, 2017
Posted: February 28, 2017, 9:50 PM
Yes, Bugginme, this.
He must not be in so much trouble because he has been trying to call me all day. His last attempt he left a voice message that said "please, just want to talk to you for a second." I don't want to talk to him. I will see him Sunday. When he called this last time I was on the phone with my therapist/prescribing nurse getting a scrip for anxiety meds. She has known about my son's troubles for a long time and said she was impressed that I hadn't bailed him out yet. We talked for some time and I feel better. The support from all of you really helps. I hope I can return the favor before too long. | ||
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Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: February 28, 2017, 10:05 PM
They always say just want to talk or need to figure something out or just want to hear your voice. Next thing you know they are yelling at you because you aren't doing what they want you to do. Putting on the pressure to get what they want. Not taking 'no' for an answer. Accepting calls from jail can become expensive and you probably need that distance so not talking to him all the time is probably a good idea. Anxiety meds will help (I had to take them for a bit) and it is good that you have a counselor that knows the history. Be strong.. it is not your fault your son is where he is and getting him out is not as good as you might think. You bail him out and you become responsible for him. I have made that mistake more than once.
This post has been edited by BugginMe on March 1, 2017, 8:55 AM -------------------- BUGS | ||
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Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: March 1, 2017, 9:31 AM
Ellen,
You're doing great. I just want to point out that it's a fine line between the mental health issues and the drug issues. I guess what I mean is that even if they have a mental health issue, they still have to learn to be responsible and deal with it in the appropriate way...unless they are incapable of taking care of themselves and at that point they need to have a guardian appointed to them and be in a secure environment. My son has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and adhd in the past. The problem was and still is that he's an addict. So, when they've put him on med, he has abused them...taking a whole months worth of adderall in 3 or 4 days. Getting himself addicted to high quantities of klonopin so that he had to end up going to the ER so that he could get enough to taper off because his shrink wouldn't give him anymore. They have to be responsible for their conditions, no matter what they are. So, the same detaching and stopping with enabling behaviors apply either way. Hang in there! -------------------- Michelle | ||
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Posts: 16
Joined: February 25, 2017
Posted: March 1, 2017, 2:32 PM
Thank you for your kind words.
I just need to vent for a minute: I'm at work, having a hard day emotionally and longing for it to be 4:30 pm so I can be on my way home. At lunch I left the office to run some errands and give myself a chance to cry in the car. I do feel better afterwards. I have been forthcoming with a few people I trust at work and they are making it clear that they want to help me through this. I am so fortunate to have a job, at my age after a long time out of the workforce to care for children and aging parents, and to be able to be honest about what is going on with me. Today I feel like I have one nerve left. My son tried to call me a little while ago, and though he can't leave more than a two second message on his attempts, I can hear the sadness and desperation in his voice. He's skinny to start with and in court yesterday someone had strapped a wide leather belt to keep his pants up. One day at a time. | ||
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Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: March 1, 2017, 3:33 PM
I know how you feel. I get upset every time I see my son either because of attitude or the way he looks. Depending on where your son is, you can put money on the books so he can get snacks and drinks in addition to regular meals. Check with the jail to see if they have that system and how it works.
This post has been edited by BugginMe on March 1, 2017, 3:44 PM -------------------- BUGS | ||
Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: March 1, 2017, 4:07 PM
That sadness and desperation you hear is an addict realizing he's no longer got a free ride..that the enabling is over...that your getting healthy...strong... it puts the fear of God in us...we have to take care of ourselves then.. we get angry...desperate. .cry...we try everything in the book to persuade ..manipulate you...into stopping you...just like you have tried everything to stop us from using. ...don't buy into it...stay strong. ..find a alanon or Naranon meeting. ..jail is just a stop on the way for us...it's part of the life. .I saw it often back in the day. ...most of us have...ya...jail sucks...but it's better than a lot of crap we deal with ...he wants to get out of the life. ..jail can be good...I weighed 90 lbs when I was using...he'll get food...shower...a bed...it's on him now...breathe...smile...your doing good. ..stay sane...take care of yourself. ..give him the opportunity to figure out and learn how to take care of himself without you...he'll be alright. ...
Peace Con This post has been edited by constantine on March 1, 2017, 4:19 PM | ||
Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016
Posted: March 2, 2017, 12:25 AM
Hi Con,
Just want to say how much I appreciate your posts!! Thank you!! <3 | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: March 2, 2017, 9:09 AM
el-family, friends, co-workers - mean well when they say you can talk to them. I too have been fortunate that I have been able to tell a few people that my son is having a rough time, struggling, just enough to express that there is a problem that is weighing on me.
but - you dont want to blabber too much. and go on and on each day.... sometimes I will say stuff and then wish I did not say anything at all. find meetings like NarAnon where you can talk without judgement and get some feedback. ask the organizations in your community if there are meetings for family members. | ||
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Posts: 16
Joined: February 25, 2017
Posted: March 2, 2017, 1:04 PM
Constantine, whoever, wherever you are, thank you so much. My fragile emotions needed to read what you wrote. So far, only one person has given me the slightest questioning look when I said I wouldn't be bailing my son out, and it's not a person whose opinion matters to me.
I appreciate the advice about not oversharing at work. If I didn't work for clergy, I would not talk as much as I do, but I also need to put some limits on my ruminating over my son's situation. When I think about the future (i.e., the next year or so) I get overwhelmed by disappointment, grief, sadness, guilt, shame, every negative emotion. Yesterday he phone me while I was still at work. So anxious I was just about grinding my back teeth to powder, I picked up to tell him to knock it off, that I'd see him Sunday. He only wanted a minute of my time to ask if I would bring him some clean socks and underwear. I told him I loved him. My mood lifted for the rest of the day. Then he attempted to call me later in the evening and I turned my phone off. It triggers my anxiety and I need to heal. I am going to attend a meeting this weekend, maybe more than one. | ||
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