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|Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Auto Loan|
|Posted by: Anauj June 18, 2019, 10:25 AM|
|Well the saga continues as is often the case with addiction. June 9th came and went and the car payment wasn't made. My Son planned a trip to New Jersey for this weekend so see his sister. Car remains uninsured. I finally brought my daughter in on things as I feel she needed to know. Everyday he says he's working on insurance. How can you tell when an addict is lying... "when their lips are moving". Taking a trip today to find his apartment and see if I see the car.|
|Posted by: Sallyanna June 18, 2019, 10:17 PM|
|Sorry to hear Anauj about the car. I'm not surprised just based on my own experience with my daughter's addiction. Just when you think it's really bad it gets worse sadly. I hope you are able to take care of your best interest because they are so lost when it comes to doing the right thing.
|Posted by: NyToFlorida June 18, 2019, 10:27 PM|
|Sorry you are going thru this. Take a picture of the license plate number if you can get close enough. I cant think of any advice. The correct thing would be to take the keys until there is insurance. but that is a pretty hard step to take, even when you know it is the right option. Other option is to put insurance on yourself (you would be doing that for your sake) and pressure him to sell the car or refinance a loan without your name.
You can call the police and tell them anonymously that the car at that location does not have insurance.
I hate how they put us in such tough spots and then act like 'there's no problem' , ' your stressing everyone out' ' not a big deal'
When we are trying not to enable we are suppose to ignore what they do and let them fall on their own and not fix and pick up the pieces... but when their actions effect us, and will effect them in a big way, like being arrested, it is our healthy instinct to fix it before it gets worse.
An instinct they do not appear to have.
I used to plan and problem solve, and figure things out. I have no interest anymore. I think I have just had enough. we have done more than enough in the past 6 to 8 years.
|Posted by: Sallyanna June 19, 2019, 7:31 AM|
|I think what's important is they know they choose the behavior they choose the consequence. He will lose the car either by you or the law. He's being irresponsible, reckless, and disrespectful to you. In my mind, he's lost the privilege of having a car. He doesn't pay for it and he doesn't insure it. He can use his own money to uber around and maybe then he will learn. That's a maybe. In the meantime, he's violating your boundries big time.|
|Posted by: Anauj June 25, 2019, 9:11 AM|
|Positive: Car Payment made. Phew!
Negative: Driving Uninsured.
I forget who said it but I agree! I hate how they just act like "everything is good". "No big deal".
My son started a new job yesterday. Not sure what happened with the other one and probably will never know...
I know in my heart I have to bring the hammer down and confiscate that car unless he gets it insured. If any of you are praying people, pray that I receive wisdom and the COURAGE to do what needs to be done. Thanks!
|Posted by: NyToFlorida June 25, 2019, 7:21 PM|
I understand how gut wrenching and heart breaking this is. Our son also has driven without insurance in the past. We have supplied him w numerous cars and paid insurance over the past 2 years. Your situation reminds me we can’t fall into that trap again. ‘They’ are persistent and we want them to be doing the right thing so we talk and talk and hope they will, and then they don’t. It is a shame because they - my son- pushes us to the breaking point. we help less and less in order to distance and protect ourselves.
I wish I had spot on advice. We let our son leave with the car in March. He wrecked it within weeks. Which was good for us bc we knew he was a liability on the road but we did not have the courage to take the car. Luckily he did not injure anyone. The only thing we can do is not give in to his wants again. It will be difficult. It is relentless. He still thinks we should help him and states that we are the reason he is in jail bc he was homeless and did not have food and if we don’t help him he will be in the same situation.
It is hard to deal with the fall out that he will say it’s your fault that he lost job or can’t get to work or food and looses apartment, etc.. yes it looks like it’s your fault, but it isn’t. It’s his fault, his choices, his consequences.
There’s no good outcome until he stops using drugs and pays his bills.
Good Luck, prayers are with you.
|Posted by: Sallyanna June 27, 2019, 12:00 AM|
|Anauj yes sometimes doing the right thing is hard and it does take courage. Its common to get burned out on the challenges and by products of our adult child's addiction. It can be overwhelming. I just try to keep the boundaries clear and that is hard in itself. Its not easy, that's for sure.|
|Posted by: Anauj June 27, 2019, 12:14 PM|
|Hey everyone... I gave my son an ultimatum... Car Insurance by end of day (yesterday) or car can't be driven. He secured insurance with a reputable company and texted me proof of such! Actually numerous attachments including the actual Insurance Card! When push came to shove, he moved quickly!!!
Next Step: Removing him from my Phone Plan. He can't get his own plan due to credit issues with 2 major phone carriers, but stated he can get on girlfriend or roommate's plan. Let someone else wait for "phone money" every month... taking him off beginning of next billing cycle - July 17th.
These may seem like small things but HUGE steps for me!
Thanks for all your support. I have been so busy I haven't even had time to read any new posts or respond to you guys... but great to know you're there!
|Posted by: NyToFlorida June 27, 2019, 6:27 PM|
|Good News! Keep pushing him off your plate. You bring up a good point. I am usually hesitant to confront my son bc I am afraid of the conflict (mostly imaginary on my part) then, when we finally confront the issue, he does comply. (usually, except recently)
In March he did get on his own phone plan, and he did move out. but he wont go to a sober living situation. which is what my son needs. he is not able to get on his feet on his own. so we will keep pushing it and maybe he will see it is his only option.
Thanks for sharing!
|Posted by: Parenting2 June 30, 2019, 10:08 PM|
|Good for you! You know what you have to do and are doing it.|
|Posted by: samegame July 11, 2019, 10:16 AM|
|Anauj, hang in there. It's a long frequently lifetime process.
Just be careful because if I recall you purchased or co signed for the car which means you have some liability financial and legal. Once that car is paid off no more financial dealings with them no matter how trivial they seem.
And YES slowly but steadily detach yourself from their financial dealings like removing them from the phone plan. Necessity is the mother of all invention. Hopefully they'll just find another person to loan or sign for them and not crime to get a phone. Slow but steady.
Slowly tighten that vice. Make them realize details and small things matter.
|Posted by: Momtomethhead July 12, 2019, 2:42 PM|
My husband bought my son a truck after we kicked him out of the house. He did it so our son could find work, and also so I had a little peace of mind, knowing he had shelter from the winter weather. Our son destroyed it because of his anger and voices he was dealing with. He went to jail after violating restraining order that we have against him. the truck sat around the corner from us. He got out of jail a week ago, the truck still sat there because he lost the keys. This morning it got towed. He is pretty upset about it, and is about to go back to jail if he shows up here again. He can blame everyone in the world for it, but it was his responsibility not ours. I see it as a blessing right now. I do not have to worry about him hurting anyone by driving high. At some point the addict needs to take responsibility for what they do. There are consequences for their actions. Can not tell you what to do, can pray that you find strength to deal with your son. They do not make it easy do they?
|Posted by: NyToFlorida July 12, 2019, 9:06 PM|
|MTMH - It helps to hear your story. I see similar patterns. my son was not violent except a few rare times, one time his dad was nagging for him to shovel driveway while he was sleeping. he woke up and started throwing things. I grabbed the dog and left the house. twice in past year he got angry when I didn't let him use my car. resulted in slamming door damage.
Regarding car - you may have read my stories. My husband also bought son a truck last summer. Only spent $1000 on it maybe put another $1000 into it. he drove it for a about 3 months and then hit an embankment head on at 3am, last sept. he talked about fixing it, but only managed to take the broken parts off. 6 months of work and never saved a dollar to fix it.
We had another junk car we were about to sell. we let him drive that..... he has to get to work.... he drove that for 6 months, we repaired it as needed. put new tires on it a month before he wrecked it. we kicked him out, he left March 1st, wrecked car by the 21st.
he says "he only needs a car and job, he will be able to get back on feet" **** he left here with a car and job. he did not value what he had. he expects us to just poop out another.... we have finally learned our lesson. no more cars.
he hit a pole on his lunch break... yes the roads he was driving are narrow and windy... but many people drive the same roads for years and manage to stay on the road. we are so entrenched in this life that we don't even blink when he wrecks the car. we knew it would happen, while hoping it wouldn't.
We know now that another car means more accidents, and possibility of hurting innocent people on the road. and he is not capable of keeping gas in it, and he does not maintain it.
and does not pay insurance. therefore, if the person can not maintain the car, they can not have a car.
reading your story reinforces those reasons for me.
|Posted by: NyToFlorida July 12, 2019, 9:12 PM|
|my son is in jail until September. for dui that he was going to court for, for the past year. I think it kept being postponed bc he did not plead anything, once it was resolved, he had to encurr the penalties. I heinsight I think he was postponing on purpose. when it was finally closed he is in jail for 5 months, DMV stated lic is suspended for 6 months, and $750 fine to DMV. This was a relief.
|Posted by: Momtomethhead July 13, 2019, 12:08 PM|
|NYTF we did not spend a lot on the truck, it was in good shape and dependable. He kept saying all’s he needed was a truck to find work, and he would be fine. . Like I said, my husband did it for me also. We knew he was not capable of taking care of it. He just does not have the ware with all to take care of anything. While he was in jail, I put his stuff in storage and told him it is in a warehouse and I can not get to it. All I left out was some tools, tent, sleeping bag, bike and clothes. Whatever I thought he needed to survive. He has nothing to worry about, or destroy now. Mind you, he will lose or break whatever he has, but that’s on him, will not replace any of it. According to my daughters he has “people” and has learned to survive. Now with the warmer weather, I am not worried, he can “camp” and stay dry. I do wish, he would relocate. He stays close to home, because he thinks he is protecting me from his voices.
I understand how you feel with your son in jail. Mine was in for 15 days, not enough for me to relax, but I knew he was safe. If he violates restraining order again, he goes back for a year. It will happen eventually because he is still using, hearing voices and has a temper. He will show up angry again. That’s what I live with every day, fear.. but I am getting better and trying to move on. Trying to get him to take responsibility for himself, or hit rock bottom does not look like it will happen in the near future.
|Posted by: NyToFlorida July 13, 2019, 6:45 PM|
|MTMH - I was living that fear in February. At end of feb I lost my job. Took that opportunity to leave home for a month. It took weeks to feel well again and be able to eat so I stopped loosing weight. After a month I got a new job. Still did not feel comfortable at home knowing son could stop by... I lived at a friends house for another month while starting the new job. The time away was good for husband too. We were both able to lower our stress by not talking about it every day.
|Posted by: Momtomethhead July 14, 2019, 12:20 AM|
You are living the same life as I have been. I have spend time at one of my daughters houses, when the fear gets to be too much. I have been known to park my car in the neighborhood so he thinks I am not home. He has a few things left inside the house, so he uses that to come back. A restraining order, and jail time still did nothing. My daughter is going to get a very small storage for him. What goes in there are things he still holds dear. He will have to be responsible not to get kicked out of it, cause the stuff is not coming back here. It will also give him a place to stash his “stuff” during the day. There will be no reason to come back here. If he needs anything and still manages to have his phone, he can call any one of us and if we can help, we will. He needs boundaries and to respect those boundaries, because I have to get my life back.
I’m glad your break did you good. It does put a strain on a marriage. My husband went to visit a friend for a month. It gave us both a break, and for that whole month I was able to convince our son that he was in bed very sick.
I can relate to giving in to them, and than the panic, and trying to cover it...boy do I know that feeling.
I worry about losing my job, would like to work one more year. I love my job, it’s my safe place.
My health has been effected by this. Heart racing, no appetite at all. Have lost 45 pounds last I checked, probably more now. Anxiety Panic attracts and let’s not forget fear 24 hours a day.
|Posted by: samegame July 14, 2019, 12:12 PM|
|Leaving stuff in the house an excuse to comeback. Oh I've seen that. They not only comeback but act like they never left. They might have not come by for a month and wonder why you putting something a way rather than leave it exact where and how they did weeks ago.|
|Posted by: Sallyanna July 14, 2019, 8:10 PM|
|Momtomethhead I'm so sorry you are living with fear. Its produces so much anxiety and often can lead to PTSD. Also, there are triggers that may cause panic. My ex h and I lived in fear for 2 years when my daughter's behavior was so unpredictable. She was only 15 then and we slept in our clothes and had our phones in our pockets. It was so hard Im sorry you are experiencing this, Sallyanna.|
|Posted by: Momtomethhead July 15, 2019, 2:48 PM|
I know I have PTSD. my sons temper and everything he has destroyed around here, his threats of hurting others and himself has me on edge 24/7. Our youngest daughter is being treated for it now. She moved out for her own sanity. He started to obsess over her posting things on Facebook, mind you she does not even have a Facebook page. She does not do social media at all. Neither do I or husband. His thought are being controlled by voices he hears. He says theses people are threatening to hurt me and rob our house. We asked that he have a hold on him when he was arrested. Nothing was done. Feel like there is no help from law. enforcement at all. In our area they are overwhelmed by the homeless and addicts. It’s out of control here.
|Posted by: Anauj August 18, 2019, 12:31 PM|
|Update on vehicle situation with my son. Payment was 1 month late again. He did secure insurance, but only paid for 1 month, simply to appease me. The last straw was 2 weeks ago when his roommate was driving MY vehicle and got a DUI. Since my son wasn't in the vehicle at the time, they impounded the car for 3 days. I was shocked that I didn't hear about this since I am the primary name on the loan. Anyway, my son and whoever quickly came up with the $315 to get the car out... funny how money is available for things when they need it! 2 days later a friend and I did a "carjacking". Staked out his apartment for 3 hours till he came home. Once he was in bed, I went up and drove the car off. I texted him that he simply wasn't responsible enough to have a vehicle.
So, I have peace of mind knowing the vehicle is off the road. I cleaned it all up, emptied out all his personal belongings and a friend & myself dropped everything off on his porch. I put insurance on it for the rest of the year a minimal cost and drive it occasionally. Nice 2017 Chevy Cruze. He does have a key so I keep it secure in my garage. I need to park it outside soon, any thoughts on how do "rig" the car so he can't come over and drive it off?
I'm very confused about the title and appreciate any insight on this. I am PRIMARY on the loan, registration, etc. But his name is "co-owner". How does that work if I try to sell the car outright? The payoff is small so I could pay it off I guess and they would mail me the title. Then I could sell it. It will be IMPOSSIBLE to get him to sign off on a title at this point.
More good news: I took him off my phone plan the same day. I don't feel bad about losing a relationship with my son at this point, because there was NO relationship. He was simply using me.
I found evidence of suboxone prescriptions in the car. Don't even know much about this. He maintains he didn't "relapse". I said "please stop insulting my intelligence"!
Will be anxious for your thoughts.
|Posted by: Parenting2 August 18, 2019, 3:30 PM|
|GREAT work!! I am impressed and inspired.
I only have experience with a friend situation (friend stopped paying). Both names on the car. A police officer told my friend she would have to go to small claims. I hope someone has more info for you.
As far as keeping the car secure, you could purchase one of those car-jacking prevention bars, especially if you plan to mostly let the car sit.
|Posted by: Sallyanna August 18, 2019, 4:56 PM|
|Yes, good for you!! I think I would pay off the remainder of the loan and get your name as sole owner on the title. (only if you can afford to) Then I would text him and tell him the car is solely yours and if he attempts to get the car the police will be called immediate!y. I also would tell him you are willing to charge him to the the full extent of the law. Sounds harsh I know, but I find clear and direct communication is the only thing they understand (and that's a sometimes).|
|Posted by: Walkedon August 18, 2019, 7:26 PM|
|Pay off the car. Put a club on the steering wheel. That will slow him down.
|Posted by: NyToFlorida August 18, 2019, 11:29 PM|
|Hi - I am impressed too! it needed to be done. Proud of you! the DWI with friend driving is a deal breaker. I would have been afraid of the fall out ( you took my car, your fault.. blah blah,...)
Are both names on title.?
Your name is on registration?
You are primary on loan? I think names on loan don’t matter . When it is paid off a letter will be mailed to you? Stating the loan is paid off. In ny you don’t get a new title, the letter and title you have are given to the new buyer. Before paying off loan call loan company to confirm the mailing address is yours, not your sons.
|Posted by: Anauj August 20, 2019, 1:57 PM|
|Thank you all for your input. Before I even ready of yours posts, last night I went and purchased a club and attached it to the steering wheel. I am taking it to the dealer tomorrow in a vain attempt to see if they might "buy it back", but doubtful.
I emailed him today saying I want my name off the title and can he secure a loan to refinance the vehicle in his name only. Of course we all know, this is impossible, but I put it out there.
I'm leaning towards paying it off and who ever said make sure the title comes to me: Yes! Absolutely!
|Posted by: samegame August 22, 2019, 4:22 PM|
|Sadly this is perfect example of why never get a car in your name for an addict or alcoholic.
If he had insurance on the vehicle that's good because his insurance rates will go up.The insurance company might take offense if he didn't list his friend as a potential driver and they now know potential drivers of the insured car are drunks. This is why many insurance companies make you list every licensed driver in the home.
Be careful though because if there is an accident the owners still have some responsibility regardless of who bought the insurance.
Good that you are pulling your assistance on the car. Just signing for it is assistance even though he is supposed to pay the bills. You loaned your name out and he could mess it up with one drink too many.
|Posted by: Anauj September 4, 2019, 10:32 AM|
|Thoughts are appreciated in advance. I sold the vehicle yesterday and got enough to pay off the loan. I chose a dealership literally 2 streets from where my 27 year old son lives. He is refusing to stop by the dealership to sign off on the title.
Giving me some big story about trying to secure a loan to buy it from me.
What a mess and I will NEVER cosign for anybody again.
|Posted by: NyToFlorida September 4, 2019, 6:17 PM|
|There might be a way for you to acquire a new title with only your name. I know it can be done when one brings a car to the junk yard with no title... or if someone leaves a vehicle in a storage lot and decides they don’t want the car and the salvage yard takes ownership. Maybe the dealership can help w that especially if they are used to dealing w used cars.
Yes my thoughts exactly. Not going to co-sign or put anyone on our insurance.
|Posted by: Anauj September 5, 2019, 10:52 AM|
|Thanks! I will check with the dealership.
Worst case scenario I refinance the loan in my name only, get the title mailed to me with only my name and then sell it outright.
|Posted by: NyToFlorida September 5, 2019, 6:19 PM|
|They are always ‘trying’ to do something!
? Is he still working and able to get to job?
|Posted by: Anauj September 6, 2019, 9:55 AM|
|He claims he is working as a laborer and will provide paystubs as proof. I'm not interested, as this may just be a "temporary" gig he picked up.
He finally texted me back late last night. He went to the dealership yesterday and is still refusing to sign the title over to me so they can obtain ownership of it.
He claims they told him he doesn't have to sign and can drive the car off the lot since it's "50/50" as he put it. I find this hard to believe. Haven't heard anything from the dealer yet.
Wednesday marked the 2 year anniversary of my 59 year old husband's death. I certainly don't need this aggravation on top of an already difficult week.
I'm working today on refinancing the loan in my name only. Thank goodness the Dealership is being very, very patient. Of course, they will make a tidy little profit on the vehicle.
It amazes me how the addict continues to play the victim game and tries to blame everyone else for the consequences of their poor choices. I'm weary of this after 11 years.
|Posted by: Anauj September 7, 2019, 9:10 AM|
|My son successfully drove the vehicle off the lot 2 days ago. I was assured the car would be "safe" and blocked in to prevent him from getting at it. To ensure that it wasn't "stolen" I requested to watch the Dealership's Surveillance videos. Sure enough, there he was, calmly walking to the car and driving it away.
I'm back to square one and it really stinks. Haven't slept for 2 nights. He's driving it uninsured. I gave him to 12 Noon today to provide proof of insurance. If no insurance, I'm reporting the vehicle to the police as being illegally driven by him. Scary thing to do, but I have no choice.
I hope this helps someone out there. I truly trusted this dealer to "hide" the vehicle, and prevent my son from taking it. He smooth talked them obviously. I went over yesterday and did get my key to the vehicle. Not ruling out taking possession of the car again in a couple days, once he misses a payment. Waiting for him to let his guard down a bit. How sad and ridiculous is this?
Thanks. This helps me just to be able to write about it.
|Posted by: NyToFlorida September 7, 2019, 9:54 AM|
|Hello Anauj, I am confused. You said you sold the car and paid off the loan. Did you mean the dealership said they would buy it back, but was waiting for your son to sign the title, and the sale had not gone thru?
I did some google'ing and found a few posts. hope the links work:
This option might work if you are willing to bribe your son...
(incase the link does not open) the post states, get your son to agree to sign the title to sell the car by giving him a portion of the 'profit' .
perhaps you can find the 'sweet spot' of how much to give him so he can re-buy the car by putting down enough on a car so he does not need a co-signer.
|Posted by: Sallyanna September 7, 2019, 10:36 AM|
|Eeek Anauj what a mess so sorry you are having to deal with all this....it's very sad what he is putting you through. I hope this all gets resolved soon so you can have some peace.|
|Posted by: Anauj September 8, 2019, 2:11 PM|
|Thanks NyToFlorida for that link. I'll check it out soon!
It is confusing I know... I received an offer from a dealer which was basically just enough to pay off the vehicle. (Visited many other dealers and they all came in with the same offer). My son refused to sign off on that title giving the right to sell the vehicle. Legally, because his name is on the title, he did nothing wrong by driving the car off the lot a few days ago. Actually, the salesman suggested he do that since he wasn't willing to sign and sell vehicle to them!
I need to get my name off the title whatever it takes. Meanwhile, yesterday he surprised me and made the payment (early) and acquired insurance on the vehicle again. Sent proof of everything including policy numbers. I had a "slight" peace for the day but next month may be a different story again.
|Posted by: Anauj September 8, 2019, 2:13 PM|
|One last thing: I tried to "sweeten the pot" for him like you said and offer 1/2 of the proceeds from the car. Unfortunately, all dealers are only offering enough to pay it off. There's NO profit for me or him. Sad.
I did get my key for the car from the dealer. Also, I demanded to see their surveillance footage to ensure my son took the car and not the roommate (who drives it). The dealer couldn't tell me for sure who drove the car off the lot (supposedly). So there was my son, on the film, and legally, there's not a darn thing I can do about it.
|Posted by: Sallyanna September 8, 2019, 2:56 PM|
|If you know a lawyer you can consult with them about the situation and see if there are any legal loop holes to get him off the title.|
|Posted by: NyToFlorida September 8, 2019, 10:07 PM|
|Hi - I think the only thing you can do is keep up the pressure on your son. To be sure payments and insurance are being paid. if they are not, then you take the car until he makes the payments. Unfortunately you will have to be the 'car' police. very exhausting.
Maybe he now knows 'You mean business' and maybe he will stay in good standing w the car.
Also, keep at him to secure a loan so he can buy you out. and put all of the car in his name. If he can't get a loan, suggest he double his payments to pay it off sooner.
I just had this thought - for as long as you are on the loan, keep your name on the title. that way you do own 50% of the car and can drive it at any time.
I hope you don't have to suffer too long with this situation!! but I know car loans can go on for many years... :(
|Posted by: Sallyanna September 8, 2019, 10:27 PM|
|I know, take your name off the title so that way you are not responsible. He'll be soley responsible and I think we know how that usually ends up. Just a thought...|
|Posted by: Anauj September 9, 2019, 9:34 AM|
|Thanks for your input. I also think that possibly he knows that I won't hesitate to take this car at anytime day or night should he lapse in payments or insurance again. I just don't want to be the "car police" but for now...
Yep, my name is on title and loan with him so I legally own 50% of vehicle.
Worst case scenario that a dealer (who wants to sell a car - no big surprise) suggested: Trade it in on a new vehicle, put a little money down on it for him and GET IT PURCHASED IN HIS NAME ONLY. Believe it or not, I actually dangled this bait this morning to him. Just "stirring the pot". Told him it would be best to trade while we can still get a good price for it. Has high mileage and needs 4 new tires. I know you all are probably thinking I'm crazy. I actually would throw some money towards to the purchase just to be done with it totally and have my name off everything!
I'll keep you posted and thanks again for the support!
|Posted by: Walkedon September 9, 2019, 1:23 PM|
|It would be better for your own sanity to put some money down to trade the car. It will be out of your hands and out of your credit history.
You'll feel like kicking yourself for giving him more money,but sometimes we have to do that to save our selves.
|Posted by: NyToFlorida September 9, 2019, 6:29 PM|
|My son had a small student loan, in addition to the large federal loan. A few months ago I paid off the small loan. I was making the monthly payment and decided to save myself the trouble of driving to the bank to make the payment every month for the next year. I have a thing about loans - I can’t ‘not pay them’. There were a few months I was late paying trying to get son to pay. At the time I forgot husband was co- signer - husbands ‘credit report’ got ‘dinged’ .. so that loan is done and off our credit list.
I did stop paying sons small credit cards in January. He can deal with collections.
As we have said in the past - somehow we are going to pay, either we pay now or pay later. I’d rather it be on my terms instead of cleaning up the mess later.
|Posted by: Sallyanna September 10, 2019, 8:33 AM|
|I think it's a good idea too, that way your name is off everything. Its exhausting to be a mess cleaner upper and it's taking away the consequences from them. Daughter called last night has a HUGE electric bill with turn off date. Thinks someone is tapping into her electricity and using hers ??? I asked if she paid her bill every month, "yes!" . I told her to have the electric company check the meter. She called back at 9pm said she just talked to the electric company (at 9pm?) and its missed payments and late fees "she shouldn't have to pay". I literally don't have the money to help her and I wouldn't offer. She seems to not be getting how life works at all. Says she's clean but still uses "some" to zone out 5 times a week and prevent withdrawls ???|
|Posted by: Anauj September 10, 2019, 10:11 AM|
|Thanks everybody. Lots of communication with son yesterday and all favorable. Must be happy to have that car back! ha. ha.
He has agreed to try and get the car refinanced (thru current loan company) in his name only. I hope this works! That would take me off the loan and title.
I'll keep y'all posted!
|Posted by: samegame September 19, 2019, 11:21 AM|
|One of the issues that come up with cars in another's name is car insurance and the address the actual driver uses. Lying about the address where one lives is considered rate evasion or misrepresentation and can void the contract or policy in this case. This is why it's so important for the driver, sadly the addict here to have their own insurance. They cry they need cheap insurance to keep a job especially if there's a dui involved.
But making them independent is part of the process to recovery. Start with everyday normal business. And don't jeopardize your health or legal status ie insurance coverage.
|Posted by: Anauj September 19, 2019, 5:42 PM|
|Really good info samegame.|
|Posted by: Anauj September 23, 2019, 12:47 PM|
|When you have a child who struggles with addiction, you need to celebrate every tiny victory.
My son came to visit yesterday with his girlfriend and new dog. We had a lovely 3 hour visit. It brought me a peace even for a day.
He is working full time so I insisted he start making payments to me for the car payment and phone I paid off. He kept his word and had money for me.
Have I forgotten... no. We never do... I remain "cautiously optimistic" that he has turned a corner. Meanwhile, we keep our guards up and hope and pray for the best.
|Posted by: sad eyes September 23, 2019, 9:21 PM|
|Anauj that’s good to hear your son doing well, it’s like you can breathe for a while, I know exactly what you mean about letting your guard down, I don’t think I will ever let mine down, hope your son continues to do well|
|Posted by: Walkedon September 24, 2019, 7:37 AM|
|Good to hear he's doing better. I hope you were able to get your name off the car. We need to treat these "children" as adults.|
|Posted by: samegame September 26, 2019, 10:57 AM|
|That's good news all the way around him seemingly sober, visiting, with a pet(responsibility) and actually paying someone back which I haven't seen here. It could be a one time thing or off and on but compared to what it was it's progress.
|Posted by: Sallyanna September 26, 2019, 12:38 PM|
|Yes, great news so happy things are progressing forward! I hope you feel some relief. You handled it really well!!|
|Posted by: Anauj October 11, 2019, 9:41 AM|
|Thanks everyone for your responses. Things remain good and I'm hopeful and can "breathe" for now.
My son and his gf (and puppy) have been here visiting numerous times and I have "dog sat" for them twice now.
He made the car payment EARLY this month, and put 4 new tires on the car.
He's working full time and he really does look great.
When he's using he never comes around. So, I take this as a a good thing that I hear from him and see him (them) a lot now.
My name is still on the title. I try not to think about it. :(
For now I'm thankful.
|Posted by: Walkedon October 11, 2019, 12:56 PM|
|Good to hear things are going well. Now is the time to get your name out off the car. I have been told that I'm too negative, but from my experience and reading everyone's post, things go bad fast.
These are not children. Would you put your name on anyone else's loan?Would you tell me to co sign with my 30 year old child?
|Posted by: Anauj October 18, 2019, 12:53 PM|
|You're not "negative" WalkedOn... you're realistic and I appreciate your comments! :)
I would NOT co-sign a loan for anybody ever again. I agree - we hope for the best always, but things can go south so quickly, as we all know.
My son continues to do well and is working full time at a very good job. He replaced all brakes and rotors on the car and payments are up to date!
I spent an afternoon with his gf this week and she's a "talker" so learned a lot. :)
Do I want my name off the title? You betcha. Believing God will make a way for that to happen!
Thankful for every good day!
|Posted by: NyToFlorida October 19, 2019, 9:13 AM|
|Hi A - great that your son has turned the corner. It shows that we never know what will keep them sober, what will change their mind / behavior, who will succeed and who will not. I think that why parents keep trying, not giving up. embrace the good days, but don't let the guard down! That's the next step I have to learn!|
|Posted by: Anauj October 31, 2019, 9:34 AM|
|To all who have supported me with encouraging posts. Update: My son continues to do well, is working full time at a great job and made the car payment 2 weeks early! I remain optimistic that he has turned a corner. Wants to go visit his grandmother this weekend and introduce his girlfriend. You know how they always "stay away" when using... it warms my heart that they will spend time with my Mom.
Always cautiously optimistic and keeping guard up!
|Posted by: Sallyanna October 31, 2019, 7:44 PM|
|Good news!!! Thanks for sharing!|
|Posted by: NyToFlorida October 31, 2019, 8:40 PM|
|Great job to you for putting your foot down about the car. Is shows we will stop at nothing to get our life back and show the kids who’s boss! Glad it worked out so well. We never know where things will go when we are on that path.|