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Message Board > Methadone > On Methadone But Almost Home.

Posted by: almosthome June 8, 2015, 3:54 PM
ok so I'm on day eight of my cold turkey coming off 140mg a day. This is the second time around for me and it is much harder this time for some reason. I stayed off for about a year last time and it only took me 9 - 10 days to come good, but yeah judging by the way I'm feeling right now, this one is going to drag out a bit. My body feels like one big toothache, I'm not sleeping, and I keep getting that uncontrollable urge to stretch out really hard and that's not good when you hurting and trying not to vomit. Anyway I actually doing this at home with my wife and son and daughter (7 and 4) around which means inside I feel like crying and screaming and freaking out or even just complaining but I'm acting like it's all good and that I'm handling it like a boss for my babies. Despite all that I am not the least bit shook in my conviction and I know I'm going to beat this bud my god I really wish it would ease up! or just stop intensifying! So it's 5:50am (I'm in Australia) and after another endless sleepless night I'm ready to start feeling better now. and since my wife and kids are asleep and these words are silent - AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHAAAAAAANNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! Wish me luck

Posted by: Granny2 3 June 8, 2015, 5:24 PM
You ARE a brave one. I would never try that. I knew a gal that was put on a financial detox (they should be illegal) and it nearly killed her.
I hope all goes well with you and your wife and kids. They need you.

good luck!


Posted by: almosthome June 8, 2015, 8:24 PM
thankyou so much Granny23, it has to feel better soon surely. Im trying to work out what a financial detox is. So in my (muddled) mind either the bank sent an assassin after your friend or you meant something else. ;) Help me out

Posted by: almosthome June 9, 2015, 1:24 PM
ok so it's 3am day 9. Obviously sleep is dodging me, and only comes in bursts of like 30 minutes to 1 hour once or twice a night, but every time I wake up I feel worse than before I slept. Thankfully that only stays for an hour or so then I usually shake it off. I find that if I am distracted enough or in the shower I do feel better but as soon as I get my hopes up I start feeling horrible again. I've suffered from joint pain and fatigue for a long time before this little adventure so I know I'm not going to come out feeling perfect but that's ok. the yawning and stretching is wearing me down right now. Yawning and stretching sounds nice but if you have experienced this kind you know it's a kind of Chinese torture like when you drip water on someone's head until it feels like hammer blows. When I used to yawn and stretch, right after I would feel kind of warm, mellow and relaxed, but this is more like the yawn is trying to pull my bottom jaw off my head and the stretch is so hard and intense that it hurts like hell and I have to force myself to pull out of it. The more I do it the more my nose runs and eyes water, but that's more annoying than anything else. Each time I feel more tired but yeah, no sleep. Thankfully the overall feeling of HELP! MAKE IT STOP! is defo better than yesterday. even if it's only a little bit, it makes a huge difference coz now that it's not getting worse anymore I know each day will get easier than the one before from now on.

Posted by: almosthome June 9, 2015, 7:42 PM
ok 9:30am I got two hrs sleep last night or well this morning which is awesome, longest sleep yet. Again woke up feeling pretty bad but coming out of it now. The soul sucking horrible feeling is much less today, I'm still really tired but my mind is AWAKE! still got the back leg and joint pain but a lot of that I have had since before I started any opiates. I'm lucky not to have to work like al lot of people do through this and I have people who know what I'm up to that are checking on me but leaving me alone which is nice. I've been drinking powerade which is like Gatorade to help keep me hydrated coz I started getting headaches that I couldn't cope with so yeah panadol once or twice a day and tons of powerade. I've been jumping on the treadmill in short bursts too which feels good. I bent down yesterday to turn it on and immediately got this massive headache. As if someone grabbed me by the neck and said WHAT DO THINK YOUR DOIN. I was like ok ok s*** s*** hahaha. But yeah not out off the woods yet but feel like I'm up over the worst of it now and not feeling so desperate. Music is making me cry and and get pumped up and inspired again! I'm so happy about that, it's been so long.

Posted by: pastcutter33 June 9, 2015, 8:26 PM
i'm on day 72 since quitting methadone myself and am glad that you sound like your doing better.

Keep up the good work!!!🌠

Posted by: almosthome June 9, 2015, 9:52 PM
pastcutter day 72! that's awesome so your reading this and goin yep I know exactly what that's like. Yes definately starting to feel a bit better and stay positive. It's hard to deal with the 'ok gotta move gotta do something' feelings I'm starting have again, partly because once I hop up and get busy I get weak real quick and just wanna hop back into bed, but mostly coz it's not that doped out mellow relaxed feeling I got so used to over the years on opiates. I gotta find stuff to do that doesn't burn me out but keeps my mind busy. Thanks for the feedback and encouragement, every bit helps. And full respect for racking up 72 days. When I hear that, it makes me want to prove that I can do it too!

Posted by: marykat80 June 10, 2015, 12:29 AM
Hey, just got done reading on your other post bout what works for some doesn't work for others. I'm with you on the long drawn out taper. Tried it was miserable to say least only got down 5mg then year later dropped super fast and jumped from 10. Question for you, after quitting before and being off for year what made you start again? Just curious...psychologically been hell for me& I'm bout to hit year&half. I guess maybe that's why I'm wondering why. Anyway you sound super optimistic,considering you know. That's awesome. Hang in there..... -Mary

Posted by: almosthome June 10, 2015, 12:48 AM
hey Mary, I have had mild but constant joint pain for a lot of years and I can handle it for a while but eventually it kind of wore me down. And believe me I barely even saw it creep back in. I just was feeling less than great and had no real plan to feel better or happier and I figured a bit of codeine won't hurt here and there if and when I needed it. I mean I beat METHADONE and barely broke a sweat (that wasn't true, I did sweat, a lot and it sucked) so I can handle codeine every now and again. But it just slowly turned into the same old story, I started taking it more and more regularly, my tolerance grew more and more, so being super practical I just took more! until I was up to 25 at a time 3 - 4 times a day. After a while a friend got worried and mentioned it to his doc who immediately sent an urgent note through him to come and see her ASAP before I developed a stomach ulcer, ruptured it, and bled to death! so she tried me on a few things and eventually had me on 10ml methadone pills eventually up to 14 a day. I think the main thing was that the first time around I stopped methadone thinking that once I did, all my troubles would be gone. I was wrong. I mean it wasn't anything I don't think I can handle, I just was not prepared for it so it snuck up on me. This time I'm expecting to feel crap and sore and I'm going to work at finding better ways to deal with it. I reckon it's normal to WANT to escape reality if your reality sucks, but it would be better to figure out a way to make that reality better, and that's my plan.

Posted by: almosthome June 10, 2015, 12:54 AM
I forgot to mention that I had a bunch of mild conditions all of which cause joint pain, the main one being Ross river fever. But it's not all that I don't think, I was unhappy and stressed and unsatisfied and needed not to feel like that at least sometimes

Posted by: almosthome June 10, 2015, 3:49 AM
Captains Log, star date blah blah can't remember how that goes. Still day 9, 5:30pm. Kids are home from school and my wife is next to me on the couch. I keep swinging back and forth between being really talkative and then, shutting down and hoping no-one will bother me. I don't want to wig out and worry them so I figure I'll post an update and get whatever off my chest. symptoms are still on the way down however slowly, and it gives me heart when I check myself to know that I'm moving forward. I keep coming back to the same thing, how do I manage down the road when things are not going the way I hoped and I'm feeling rough? I am already getting back into my guitar and muckin around singing in the shower (I'm in there a lot) but I'm more worried about the fact that the health issues I have don't have a cure, and of all the doctors I've seen they all say that they can't fix it, they can only try to help manage the symptoms but look at where that got me. I have tried a bunch of things but in the end it always comes back around. When I'm feeling upbeat and full of beans I feel like I can do anything and the pain doesn't shake me so much, but I just don't feel like that all the time, or even very much at all. The only thing I found that helps with that is pain meds but I can't do the side effects anymore. So I'm a bit stuck. I have a rotten headache and I'm starting feel twitchy and sore and exhausted again so I think am gonna go try to sing in the shower some more.

Posted by: almosthome June 10, 2015, 6:55 AM
runninah runninahhhh, runninah nah nana nahhhh, losin my s*** again, losin all my s*** again. Yep I'm losin it, no fear of relapse but yeah losin it a bit. I was rambling away makin the kids laugh and I was cracking myself up too, I did the whole belly laugh then stomp stomp clap hahahaaaa and was laughing so hard I had to bend down and put my hands on my knees, So I'm bent over laughing and I get this sudden dizzy rush and start blacking out. I started toppling forward but kept trying to get my feet under me so I ended up doing this weird staggering run across the lounge room into the couch with a freaked out look on my face. Yep full bum rush. It probably looked like I was trying to rugby tackle the furniture and run from a bear at the same time. Hahaha It's alright kids Daddy's just mucking around! It sounds funny but it freaked me out a bit and everyone got a bit worried. I'm probly just run down, lack of sleep and high stress for a prolonged period. My wife made me this mad juice, it was amazing! it was purple and it didn't even have any beetroot in it! I went to take a sip and it was so immediately fantastic that I just glugged the whole thing down and started having this insane burping and sneezing fit. My body is so weird right now. that's not even the half of it. I'm not even gonna mention all the other crazy s*** that's going on but suffice it to say, well... I dunno ITS JUST WEIRD!

Posted by: almosthome June 10, 2015, 9:40 AM
Every time I find myself freaking out and getting frazzled I either hit the shower or write another post, and its really helping right now. I keep reading over other people's struggles and successes and it keeps me focused on what is important right now. I can't even remember what that weird s*** at the start of my last post sounded like in my head when I typed it anymore but the feeling stands. My mind is so acutely clear at times and then reeling at others. Keep thinking about that Bob Dylan song from the bowling montage at the start of The Big Lebowski, and that line, Storm clouds are raging, all around my door, I think to myself I myself I might not take it anymore, It takes a woman like your kind, to find, the man in me. But ohhhh, what a wonderful feelin. I'm still waiting on the wonderful feeling, but I'm getting glimpses of something better than what I have been settling for, and forcing my wife, my kids to settle for, for so long now, and it's making me feel both excited, but at the same time I'm sad or regretful that I tossed away so much time, being absent from the wonderful things happening around me. Unfortunately when you start devouring your own soul(taking opiates), that's a bit dramatic, you don't get to pick and choose which parts of your heart and soul you get to keep. No. You have to give it all away. I have been here in the same place with my wife the whole time. We are close we hang out we share everything, but throughout this whole thing the one thing she kept saying was that she misses me and wants me back. I will always regret smothering my spirit, SO MUCH, that I was right here but the love of my life couldn't even feel me for YEARS. Thank god she loves me anyway. I don't know what I would do without her. well... get her back probably

Posted by: almosthome June 10, 2015, 2:41 PM
3:30 am, got another mammoth 2hr snooze in. had the usual yuck feeling of waking up feeling totally unrested and gross. my 4 year old daughter has crawled into bed next to me at some point, and just as I'm laying there feeling sorry for myself, she blissfully starts kicking me in the spine, in her sleep all moaning and growling and talking sleepy s***. It's cute but there was that agitated little demon in me thinking ohhh how cute, I bet if I throttled her she would barely make a sound. Of course I never would but nobody likes being kicked in the spine when they're coming of opiates, even by a sweet little girl. It's probably that same little demon that say things like 'dude we should go out and take something and feel awesome for a while, it would be totally worth it and would never happen again' thankfully that little b****** doesn't have a lot of clout around these parts anymore. I mean it was only ever a matter of time before somebody pulled him aside and asked him if he was deliberately trying to sink the ship. But you know, it's all fun and games coming up with stories about nasty little weirdos giving me bad ideas but the fact is. When I really start to feel crap I start looking for a way out. It used to be to grab my wallet and guitar and go spend a hundred bux and then embark on a 'live at the lounge room' tour of my friends houses. I mean it's great fun but then you see those same people 2 days later and you can barely make eye contact coz you feel so crap. It's awkward and embarrassing. And It's my own fault. I just don't know how to maintain a bearable physical reality. So it's almost like my normal clean life is a kind of mild but never ending version of a cold turkey kick. I have a few tricks that help momentarily, but in the end I have to just accept that I'm gonna feel crappy and just stick with it. But no-one can do that s***! I mean if I truly believed that there was no way to get better (when I'm clean), I honestly think it would only be a matter of time before I but a bullet in my head or something! You just can't white knuckle your normal everyday life until your 90 years old. But seriously, when my physical health became so unbearable that I realised my once in a while drink and drug use had become a way to somehow cope, I stopped everything and saw no less than 12 different doctors. I told them everything that was happening and everything that I was doing wrong to try to 'survive', and they had nothing for me. I only found one doctor who was willing to take me at my word and try to help find what was wrong. So I was in and out of places seeing specialists and getting scans and blood tests done, and she did manage to find out that I had Ross river fever among a few other things. But the thing about that is, you get varying levels of fatigue and joint pain for varying lengths of time. Some people are over it in 3 weeks but most have it licked in 3-6 months. The scary part is there are known cases where people have suffered for up to 15 years. 15 YEARS!!! I was a bit put off but having been like that for a number of years already I was relieved to finally know what the flip was wrong with me, and certain that it had to be over soon. Well that was years ago. I'm up to 7 nearly 8 years now and the the only difference since it began is that I noticed, after the first two years (I was still trying to work 6 days a week after a year) it got slightly and I mean slightly better. And it's not like I was at work feeling a little under the weather and thinking it would be nice to feel better, I woke up every day next to my wonderful pregnant wife, and wanted to die the minute no, the second my eyes opened. Sometimes I would get halfway through the day and have to clock off and curl up in the back of my van. I couldn't even drive myself home. plus I was moonlighting at pubs and clubs and such singing with my guitar. when I finally accepted that I had to stop working, I spent the next year in bed, like 80 percent of the time. if anyone came over or I had to do something I would drag myself out of bed and just try to stay on my feet till it was done. so yeah it got old after a while. There were bouts of speed and things like that trying to recapture the feeling of being my old energetic talkative, singing dancing self, but as I said somewhere before, once it started making me feel worse overall I gave it the boot. Mostly it was the painkillers. I didn't want to get high, I just wanted to feel human, but yeah I definately started enjoying the "accidental" (totally deliberate) highs I would get when I took a little extra. Anyway this one is dragging out so I'm gonna end it and try to find something to do with myself until the sun comes up. Day 10 yeehaw!

Posted by: marykat80 June 10, 2015, 4:06 PM
I'm trying to register everything, um not sure what the rivers thing you mentioned is...but got gist of joint issues. I remember sitting in dark for hours just waiting for my friend to wake up or someone to talk too. Especially round day 10. I would sit chain smoking listening to music in my laundry room constantly, I guess to escape my Mind as music soothes all. As far as your kids go,they are young & being silly getting them to laugh is ok you know? Your present! Myself I couldn't be for a while, felt detached& didn't want him to see me in state I was in. Luckily had good friend staying with me and couldn't have done without,helped so much with son,(7 at time). But yeah isn't that gut wrenching laughter awesome,aside from stomach pains....but nothing in comparison to the rest,so yeah worth it. I appreciate my humor back soooo much, yeah found stuff funny on methadone but so different now, and yeah I'll say stuff crack myself up when others aren't laughing (they do sometimes cause I am funny) point is if you only make yourself laugh that's all that matters! Day 10! Keep it up. -Mary

Posted by: almosthome June 10, 2015, 4:30 PM
I so no what you mean, it's not like you don't laugh on methadone but it's not the same experience at all. But yeah I'm in Australia and where I live there are tons of wallabies and mosquitoes. apparently the mozzie bites the wallaby that has the virus and then bites the person and voila! s*** town! no soup for you! I know you didn't ask for details but I thought f#%k it. And yeah I'm happy to be around my babies as long as I'm keeping my s*** nailed down, but as soon as I start to get sideways I just lock myself in the bedroom till I get it together again. Just so lucky to have my wife covering everything here while I sort this out, and thanks for the feedback, telling my tale and reading other peoples is making the difference right now

Posted by: almosthome June 10, 2015, 4:40 PM
I was reading somewhere that I would feel a lot better if I wasn't drinking coffee and smoking ciggies, I'm sure that's true but honestly I think if someone actually had a go at taking my smokes right now I think it would have to be a trade like say your eyeballs for my smokes hahaha but yeah one thing at a time dag stabbit!

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 10, 2015, 5:07 PM
Thank god for coffee and smokes, im a reformed smoker (the worst kind)lol and im a mad coffee drinker, probably why sleep eludes me! Hope your day is a good one almost! My hubby gets home this evening☺ for 4 days, so if im a little quiet, thats why!


Posted by: almosthome June 10, 2015, 7:21 PM
oh no, so you like, can't stop yourself from waxing lyrical about the joys of a tobacco free existence even if you don't want to and know you are doing it? and can even see that they don't want to hear it? hahaha. Ok truthfully Thats totally been me in the past. And I'm fairly sure that if I wasn't so freaked out by people's judgement, I'd be walking around town raving on about how good it is to be off methadone. Or at a job interview, what are your strengths? well, I'm a quick learner, I work well in a team, and I am the BOSS at getting of methadone. The guy starts involuntarily checking whether I took his wallet yet or not...

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 10, 2015, 7:41 PM
Haha...yep, geez i love your posts! But really my hubby smokes and i dont telling him to "wash your damn mouth out before coming near me cause that s*** is nasty" Im the one out there with all the smokers blabbin on how horrid this is..cough cough! Id love to shout at the top of my lungs YEAH 5 DAY OFF N+ AFTER 3 YEARS THATS ME THATS MINE I OWN THAT!!! Cause im pretty proud of how far ive come..but to the non drug addicts id just look stoopid right, or worse, id be shunned..Me this normal mum who takes her kids to sports and school and does all the things other mums normal right? I would forever be judged for a bad choice i made...never mind the fact that im trying my hardest to clean up...people dont see that..they just see the worst....and are so quick to judge..dont open your closet people, YOUR skeletons will fall out!!!

Posted by: almosthome June 10, 2015, 9:12 PM
So this morning very quickly took a turn for the worse , and I was just sitting here trying to concoct the best words to describe how truly sorry I am feeling for myself, and I read your post and immediately just came out of it! especially when you like yelled Hell yeah 5 days That's me that's mine! I just lifted out of the fog and started nodding my head going YEAH! TESTIFY!

Posted by: almosthome June 10, 2015, 10:54 PM
still on track, trying to summon up some resilience and strength so I've been on YouTube watching all different versions of the Maori Haka. It's working.

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 10, 2015, 11:30 PM
What ever works for ya i this may sound silly, but as you know weve talked about emotion! Im a bit of a die hard country music fan! Yee, anyway im finding it very threaputic for me at the moment, listening to all the lovey country songs i did before i was an trying to pry some tears from my eyes and get goosebumps and just feel how love songs make ya feel...its working...i left a post on the thread in painpills about my son for you to have a read...ive also been hanging with him this morning (driving his a** to his juvinelle justice appts) so i havent had alot of time to stop and think about how bad i glad i snapped you out of it..Im really proud that im at day 5! How many days is it for you now? Your well over a week!! I hope your feeling good about that..even though it hurts and it sucks...ur doin it...UR DOIN IT!!! WHOOOO WHOOOO

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 2:07 AM
He'll yes! you better believe I'm doing it! and here's one you HAVE to check out if you don't know it He is not a country singer but he does do one country song an upbeat one. Ben Harper and the song is Burn To Shine. And there is a line in there that totally applies right. you'll get it when you hear it, It starts: Funny things you learn from your mama, verse two I think

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 2:50 AM
an update. So yeah the physical stuff continues to either stay where it is or get slightly better. Right now it's my emotions that are dragging me up and down the stairs. There is some heavy s*** going in my family right now and it's all I can do not to literally go set someone's car on fire. You know that situation where you warned somebody about exactly where the DO NOT CROSS line is? well this (trying so hard not to swear right now) GUUUUUYYYY, knows exactly where the line is, but keeps dancing riiiggghhht on the edge while being very careful not to cross it. People are getting hurt right now (not physically, that's the line) and I can't do anything about it. Anything I do at this point will almost certainly escalate things beyond repair, so I have to be very careful not to come in until I absolutely have to. The way I feel right now with all my crazy emotions and the horrible s*** going on in my body and the resentment, if I kick off now it will just explode into a vicious back and forth of insanity and destruction. Believe me, the way I feel right now I am almost drooling in anticipation, but I love my family, and I refuse to put them through something like that unless there is just no other way. So yeah, what are my choices? well right now there is one. Sit, and wait.

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 3:02 AM
my heart rate is off the charts like 3 beats a second and nothing is working to bring it down. I'm trying to breath slow and take it easy but it's not working. I dunno

Posted by: marykat80 June 11, 2015, 3:14 AM
Go for a walk. Put some headphones on and walk then your energy will sort of flow with it. Sounds lame advice but I did lots&lots of that. Just kept moving when couldn't keep still. It's crazy rollercoaster for sure........

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 3:21 AM
nah that's good, I will give it a go. thanks heaps, I'm bloody losing it right now

Posted by: marykat80 June 11, 2015, 3:32 AM
It's horrible I know,whatever gets your brain distracted. Lemme tell you I thought i was going so insane at one point and remembered how psychotic people watch trippy psycadellic sh** to snap back to reality. So what did I do put on the craziest movie I could find. Desperation. Was I psychotic? No, coming off methadone so yeah temporarily. Your not alone in what your feeling just remember that & it will pass. Will check on you in a.m. you will defeat this. -Mary

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 11, 2015, 3:33 AM
Are you ok?

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 11, 2015, 3:39 AM
I feel helpless to say anything..i dont know methadone..i have no idea how u feel....but i do know it sucks balls when people interfere in home life family life...makes little things seem like big things...mayb you need some time out...mayb you need to sit in aroom with the light off and some easy listning music..lay on the floor and just relax..let your body control you for a while....tell everyone to leave you be for half an hour...i know that s*** sounds weird...but it helps me...

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 3:45 AM
yeah, nah, sort of I'm on the treadmill trying to bring myself down. there s no chest pain or nothin so no fear. I'm just really worked up. I'll do this for a bit and see if I can find some crazy s*** to watch (thanks Marycat) and maybe go sing in the shower I dunno, I'm ok just a bit wigged out you know? not used to feeling stuff like this again yet

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 3:48 AM
nah yep f*** it. I'm trying all that s***, something's gotta give right? thanx for the tips. hahaha faaaark! this is nuts!

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 11, 2015, 3:52 AM
What has got you so worked up? If you dont feel like sharing thats pressure... email me if you would like...if not, i hope your ok soon! xx

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 5:00 AM
ah it's ok, I'm coming good now, just hopped on the treadmill and then sat on the veranda listening to the rain for a while, forced down some food and yeah, still jumpy but ok. It's nasty family business, I wrote it all further up the page right before I started freaking out. I appreciate the quick replies and that, I just didn't know what to do with myself and was starting lose it. I was up for anything for a bit there but yeah a few simple suggestions and I got out of it. I'm SUCH a weirdo right now, I mean I'm always weird but not like this

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 11, 2015, 5:44 AM
I read further up the Page...i hope all is ok....hang tight...ride the waves..this is yours remember. .you got this ok....

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 11, 2015, 5:47 AM
And your not a weirdo...your just detoxing on ya own and that takes guts...and it brings out the best, worst, and everything else in people..we all do it differently..laterz im off for some zzzzzzs...hopefully anyway! Day6 tomoz...f*** YEAH

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 6:18 AM
yeah f*** yeah!!! nah you know it mang! as you know I've at least attempted both, and apart from the differences between you and me, it's all the same symptoms and feelings and that, just that with the helicopters ( N+), it's a slightly shorter road, but more intense. But yeah, here's hoping that your zzzz's are satisfying, regenerating, and plentiful. And yeah, we have been having like 4 different conversations in 4 different places at one time, so I'm sure we will find eachother. I promise not to freak out if I don't hear you for a while, I know hubby is home. I'll just keep posting my progress and doin my thing. plus I added u on FB so if ya wanna check out the fam and my ugly mug (I already looked up you and yours) or get in touch there that's cool too. ALAKAZAM!

oh and keep kickin mike tysons a** too haha

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 11, 2015, 6:57 AM
I sussed you guys out to #notastalker lol. You guys are all like hippy and stuff? Sorry if its not correct your wife is beautiful...your a lucky man...and your hair! Wowzerz, you were right about the it heavy? It looks heavy! my profile pic is actually my brother and i..hubby is in there somewhere...

Your right about covos everywhere...its easy to lose track...
I can tell that my wds are.starting to fade this is a good thing, but it also means cravings kick in soon...ive been here lots of times and it always happens this way...while my wds are in full swing i dont crave pills. When the wds subside, then the cravings start...this is when it gets tough again!!!Have a super dooper night aimego! Ill chat to you in the am...


Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 8:29 AM
hippies hahahaha, yeah I guess we kind of are. we're not vegos or tree huggers or nothing, and we don't say flippin namaste instead of good onya mate hahahaha, but yeah I'm part aboriginal on my mums side, so I always had that influence coming in, but my old man was full blood Serbian and that's how I was raised. Eating Burek, Sarma and chevapchichi instead of meat and three veg, watching soccer instead of footie, saying Ziveli! instead of cheers, translating my grandparents English for my friends and all that good stuff. My wife was born and raised in Milan Italy and we could barely communicate when we met. So we're just a bit of a mix up. I will say this though. I am a pretty easy going guy but where I live is so chocca block full of hippy hippies that I am well and truly over em' haha! don't get me wrong, spectacular people come from all kinds of weird and wonderful walks of life, I've just had my fill of these guys hahaha. But I don't mind. when people think your a hippie they tend to roll up on you pretty friendly most of the time and I like that. I'm reading your diary posts whenever you post em, and I'm the same, just grateful that I bumped into you TH2. You've been an absolute godsend.

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 8:38 AM
oh and yes she is pretty as a picture and I am very lucky to have her. She is surprisingly cool and easy to get along with for how pretty she is too, usually girls that pretty are not much fun to hang out with but we have a ball. and my dreaddies are not as heavy as they look coz they are spongy not solid. they do come down to my knees though so yeah. In 1 and a half hours I'll be into day 11 and While im not exactly at my best yet (at all!), Im over the worst and getting better all the time.

Posted by: marykat80 June 11, 2015, 9:50 AM
Yikes I didn't mean to advise you to watch something don't think it will hurt,but not gonna help in way of feeling less nuts. Felt insane and it passed. Gotta get my son ready for school,wish could write more...hang will be ok even if doesn't feel like it at many times..even when those times feel like forever. -Mary

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 9:58 AM
thankyou Mary yeah sorry if I didn't read you right, I was all over the place for a while there but a few simple suggestions really did help. I was just about up for anything for a minute there so thankfully had the right kind of people offering the right kid of ideas so thankyou

Posted by: marykat80 June 11, 2015, 12:17 PM
Don't be sorry,nothing to be sorry for. Believe me I was all over the place for a long while. The worst probably felt longer then actually were..then.eased up. I had totally convinced myself at one point that I had lost my Mind and was never coming back...and that maybe methadone was the answer & acted like antidepressant & since is in some countries it is, America isn't always right! Scary sh**! But didn't give in to that voice, well you get what I'm saying. You sound better. You doing better?

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 11, 2015, 2:30 PM
Its like 4am and ive been wide awake since my baby jumped into bed with us at about 2am. Not what we need on hubbys first night home! Lol.. ive retreated to her bed as i was feeling super wrestless, as you get coming of s***, and im really struggling to go back to sleep...i have a full day tomoz (should i say today) so i know i needed sleep, but kinda knew i wouldnt get mind is just tick tick ticking over...and its just random irrelevant thoughts...nothing of importance at all...ive even been up and had a appetite is returning..ive lost around 15 kilos from the pills(eating was cheating and took away effect) .i dont want to be putting that back on..I know what you mean about most attractive women, some that i have known have the attitude of im just to good for you...not all, just pretty down to earth and cruisy normally- pre pills anyway! Well prob should try counting sheep or something, this is one of the yucks of getting clean...the lack of sleep...anyway, i hope you have a great day...laterz

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 5:11 PM
Yep the sleep thing is driving me crazy too. I slept for an hour maybe and then woke up feeling worse than ever, but thankfully that didn't last all night. I was determined to fall back to sleep so I been tossing and turning all bloody night too. And its not like sleep, wake up, turn, repeat. I just stay in the same position till it gets too sore, then I change. Yesterday my wife put a plate of food down in front of me. It was chicken schnitzel with this sort of salad of grated carrot, chopped red onion, feta cheese mixed wi olive oil and balsamic vinegar. I had been feeling really flaky and faint, but when she passed me the plate, it was almost involuntary. I dropped the knife and fork on the floor and almost before they even hit the ground I started literally shoving salad in my mouth with my bare hands. I even sort of growled when I snatched the chicken up. I didn't finish the chicken but ended up putting my mouth on the side of the plate and sort of sweeping every last particle of salad in there. IT WAS CRAZY. She came out to check if the food was ok and I was sitting there in this kind of dazed stupor, with my hand still hanging in the plate just staring. It's weird, it's like my my mind was like okaaaaaaay? and just filed it away with the normal stuff. I didn't really think about it till now (7am) and I guess that's because each day now I'm trying to compare it with the last to make sure I'm actually getting somewhere. coz sometimes it's kind of hard to tell at this point.

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 5:24 PM
But yeah in answer to you question Marykat I am feeling better. It's little by little you know. It's like I have a disconnect. when I start feeling down I tent to sit and stare a bit, and it takes a while before I try to do something about it. I mean I'm not running away, if I'm sad I cry, if I'm mad I pace or grit my teeth and fume a bit ( not sure if that helps) but if I just feel s***, I tend to sit and stare. But if I spend too much time on those three I work to get out of it. I either hop up and follow my wife around giving her a hard time (playful) till we both start laughing. I'll say something like 'now listen here woman, I been cutting you a lotta slack around here, but you better get in that kitchen and whip me up a damn pie or something before I make choose a child and I roll the other one down the hill and drown em in the dam. hahaha. Or I will go find the kids and get rappers delight (sugar hill gang) going in my head and just start doin a really stupid dance but looking real serious at them till we all start laughing and that tends to work, and they love me to death when I'm carrying on like that

Posted by: almosthome June 11, 2015, 7:40 PM
Day 11, 9:30am. The main trouble I have right now is ok my body is aching like a tooth or headache. It's ok I can handle it. But Whenever I sit down and try to focus on something, I start to get tense and start jiggling my legs and chewing my lips and sort of stressing. So of course I get up and try to do something to use the energy and calm down, but as soon as I get up, all the strength just drains from my body, and I can't imagine doing anything but going straight to bed. I've been trying to push through it and stay on my feet or hit the treadmill, but the more I push, the quicker I start getting dizzy and weak, and I have to keep grabbing doors or leaning on walls or chairs. Just before, it happened so I sort of let myself slide down the wall as I didn't want to black out. (My wife and kids are out all day) but yeah once I got to the floor I was just sitting there kind of huffing and puffing, feeling like I'd never get up again. So yeah I kinda drag myself to the couch and collapse into it exhausted. But within a few minutes I restless as hell again!
I'm eating very well. small serves of lean meat with big piles of salad. Fresh fruit. soup. But yeah can't seem to bank up any significant amount of energy. I'm not trying to carry on about it but it is really driving me nuts, and telling it all here is helping to some degree.

Posted by: marykat80 June 11, 2015, 10:21 PM
Hey, glad your doing better& that's GREAT you& your wife getting along good,laughing &stuff me& my ex broke up when I quit,he couldn't handle it, but for the best cause back with sons father. Yes through these times you need to be around people that make you laugh. That and someone that's calm/serene. Doesn't necessarily even have to be same person. The 2 people I had in life at that time got me through and will never forget. Good your eating well,hey who needs a fork at a time like this, long as your eating. Day 11? Maybe over exerting with exercise? Know it's good but still early, do what you can handle..... take care. -Mary

Posted by: almosthome June 12, 2015, 3:58 AM
hey Marykat, yeah ok, I was a bit worried about that. I even warned my wife that I was gonna be feeling stuff strongly again and be back to being sort of short tempered and over the to sometimes, particularly through the detox. But she was just like I don't care, I can handle it, I just want YOU back. but yeah the other day my Mum came over and asked how it was going and I said I was feeling strong and all that, and that I had been carrying on a bit at her (wife) but that she was handling it like a champ. My mum said that when they saw eachother, my wife burst into tears. She said she was ok and that she was proud of me but that it was all a bit overwhelming. I felt so bad, I mean I knew I was doing it a bit but I just wasn't really aware how much I was taking it out on her. I think my Mum probably was just letting me know that, yeah we are proud of you, but maybe you need to just watch yourself and pull it together a bit and take care of her a bit better. That was a gut check. I love my wife, so yeah I been a bit better behaved ever since. (thanx mum). It's been a tough time but right now I'm feeling better than ever. I'm not quite ready to celebrate yet, but yeah. That's a good point about it being a bit soon for the exercise. I think I been waiting for it to be over and that reminded me to just be a bit more patient so yeah, good call! thanx mate! So it's 6pm here in Oz Im feeling half ok so I'm gonna spend some time wi my family ;)

Posted by: almosthome June 12, 2015, 12:42 PM
So it's 2am on the morning of day 12. I can no longer describe what I'm feeling as horrific, or soul sucking or any of that other good stuff I been talking about the last few days. It's eased down to say, extreme restlessness, and strong discomfort. It's not so much of a nightmare anymore. I'm super tired as usual but feeling good about how I'm going. A big part of that is spending some really excellent time wi my wife. We hang out everyday, whether it's a little or a lot and have always got along like really good friends that happen to be in love. but tonight it was like a blast from the past. My emotions are back in the game, my heart is warm and I am feeling things from my toes to my ears again, and my mind is clear for the first time in years. I have been dulled down and sedated on opiates for so long that I forgot how alive and animated I get when I am having a really interesting conversation with someone I really like. My wife always accepted that I was taking opiate meds to try to make some semblance of normality with her and the kids possible for me, but she always wished it wasn't like that and was anxious for me to find a way to sort my problems and get off the meds ASAP. WELL NO WONDER! when she signed up to marry me I was fit and strong, hardworking, I played and sang every day, I was alive and adventurous, fun and passionate, and I lived to make her happy. Once my health went bad and I started systematically consuming whatever made life liveable, I slowly degenerated into a sort of unemotional tired, dulled down, uninspired basically numbed out watered down version of myself. And though I could always make her laugh, I wasn't as compelled to do it and even when I did it was with much less joy and vigour. But tonight I was for a while just me again. We laughed so hard so many times that we had to hang on to eachother, and we had big discussions about anything, EVERYTHING. anyway, I could go on about it all night I'm so happy. Basically it just makes all the bulls*** over the last 12 days so worth it! now if I could just get wink of sleep? it would be perfect...haha (greedy)

Posted by: almosthome June 12, 2015, 5:36 PM
It's 7am day 12, sitting on the verandah watching the rain. It's easy to get a bit disheartened sometimes because I keep swinging back and forth between feeling ok and then feeling crap, but also because the last time I detoxed, I woke up on day 8 feeling good, but because I was experiencing the ups and downs like now, I stayed where I was to make sure I didn't jump the gun. So yeah after 2 more days I hadn't crashed and was ready to go home. So when I look back on it I always think, yeah it took 10days last time but really it was 8. So here I am day 12, wondering wtf is going on and getting a bit frustrated. I mean how long ffs!? I know everyone is different but I personally already ran this race. I'm not looking for any answers really, more just venting to get it off my chest. I am also well aware of how fortunate I am. The guy who inspired me to post my own progress, I never spoke to but I read all his posts, and he didn't even start posting until like 6 weeks into it and he was reaching out coz he had no-one and he was working his butt off everyday and physically felt like he was dying all the time. But he stayed strong, stayed positive and never gave in. For me, I have 4 people 4!!! who have all made it clear many times that if I ever need ANYTHING ANYTIME, I had better call straight away. My big sis brought me chicken broth yesterday and just showed up just as I was starting to crawl up the walls and freak out. It was still warm and I was so happy to see her. oh and by the way? chicken broth is the BOMB right now. I just dip a mug in whenever I walk past it pretty much. But what I am trying to say is that I know that compared to a lot of people who go through this, I may as well be in a luxury rehab facility. Knowing that doesn't help too much when your really in the thick of it, but at this point it's a good reminder not to feel TOO sorry for myself.

Posted by: almosthome June 12, 2015, 5:51 PM
I have to mention that reading everyone else's progress on this site has been a major help to me. I feel compelled to comment here and there but I ended up running BAM! into someone in the middle of their own battle that just knew everything I was feeling and saying, and we basically hung together through the the worst of it. Its been awesome! I have fam around but nobody REALLY knows what it's like and I'm not comfortable just raving at them trying to describe what it feels like. All I had to say to this person was I feel crap and I knew that they instantly under stood the shortlist of exactly what was happening where, and was deeply familiar with the exact same experience. I'll always be grateful to have had that. Not to mention the others who just checked in from time to time on my posts with little drops of golden advice right when I needed them. It really made all the difference in the world for me so yeah. Stay gold Ponyboy. ha

Posted by: Granny2 3 June 12, 2015, 6:45 PM
Almost home,
I am glad to hear you are doing better. Like one of my sons says " keep your eye on the prize."
In your case it is getting to wherever it is you want to be in life, in your health....Keep up the good work!!!

What I meant by a financial detox was, this gal at our clinic had a job, then got laid off and had applied for unemployment. The clinic gave her some slack but when the money still wasn't coming in after a few weeks to pay her bill at the clinic they had no choice but to do a "fee detox". They drop you pretty good and within a week to 10 days or so you are done. In the condition she was in she said it hit her real hard. (This of course in her version...I am not at the clinic every day anymore to be all that involved), I personally don't think they should do any detoxes real fast, for some it can be really bad, but they do. Unfortunately it IS a business and if they helped every single patient that cant pay their bill on time they wouldn't last. This was also before Obamacare arrived. Now she has health coverage and has been clean 17 months from heroin.

Keep on truckin'!


Posted by: tryinghard2 June 12, 2015, 7:21 PM
Heya, i was so glad to read your posts this morning..ive managed to grab a little quiet you im starting to get some real feeling back..exactly as you described it from my toes to my ears...i feelt so much warmth and depth from my husband last night while we were out...i too have been a dull downed version of myself for far too long, its time to live and let the.real me for sleep, its still evading me for now..but i do know that in time it will come back to me...its just small steps to there...almost 2 weeks for god thats just a super dopper effort cause i know how damn tough this s*** is....mwa your check my friend...have a great day, step out side take a few deep breaths and believe you got this!!!!

Posted by: almosthome June 12, 2015, 8:55 PM
Hey granny 23 wow ok, I didn't know they did that to people. It's cruel, I can't imagine having to do this against ur will! It's hard enough. Thanks for the get back, and I'm glad to hear she came out clear on the other side.

Posted by: almosthome June 12, 2015, 9:00 PM
mwah YOUR cheek, wait I should have done that at the end hahaha, this is great, it seems like we are both winning and it's working for us! And that's awesome that ur all fuzzy for ur man, you almost forget what it feels like aye. I felt like sometimes that you and me were in the Olympics, the winter ones, in the double luge or something working in tandem to get the gold hahaha and it looks like we're getting it too! So cool bananas and rhyyyyyy vita bread, and mwah ur other cheek!

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 12, 2015, 9:58 PM
Nothing makes me smile bigger at the moment, than hearing how well your doing!!! It was like the olympics...what we have done/ are doing is huge...Not just anyone can do it you know...Only the toughest remember the song from rocky? Eye of the tiger? Thats songs just like a motivational speech...hell i kinda feel like rocky now...fighting mike tyson and kickin his a**..haha..

Bit more serious now for a hubby leaves on Monday and m dreading it already...normally im like numb and dont worry about it to much, but im actually a little scarred on how im gunna go...i dont want to have it.hit me like a ton of bricks all the sudden and go "f*** this s*** pills will help me" you know what i mean...i havent had a real battle yet...Im worried that will be my first big one...i hope im strong not saying it to get attention blah saying it to hold myself accountable....keep me honest too...holy crap that was a bit of a rant...all over the shop kinda tired which is messing with my head...big deep breaths!!!!


Posted by: almosthome June 12, 2015, 10:41 PM
your talking to rant master flash! I love eye of the tiger, I'm gonna put it on actually. But as far as Monday, if that's when you reckon it could be crunch time then I will definately be on stand by. If you start bottoming out then lemme know at least. we can do the olympics again. You don't strike me as an attention seeker at all, I just think you've been doing like a four man job for a long time all on your own .. . and Rant away, it will give me something to read. So yeah if I don't hear ya I'll just cross my fingers and hope ur good, but otherwise I'm here.

Posted by: almosthome June 13, 2015, 4:18 AM
Day 12, 6pm. Not my favourite day so far. It was just kind of meh.... I'm continuing to feel less horrible. I still feel less than great but I just keep weighing it up against the last week and I don't get too worried. It's not ALL the time now either. The main bother I have at the moment is that I'm just so tired. All I want to do is go to bed all the time but sleep is almost unpleasant right now. Kind of painful and unrewarding. The little I am managing to get anyway. Still feeling the aches all over but I can handle it. It just makes it hard to stay upbeat sometimes. But overall staying positive and if not then at least distracted. It's working, I'm moving forward. I may have thrown myself into this s*** pit, but at least I'm prepared to fight my way back out. I never had any doubts at the start of this thing, and I don't have any now. So it's all going according to plan. Two thumbs up.

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 13, 2015, 5:55 AM
Insomnia is my constant companion also. (I do manage a bit of sleep here and there) but the same as you described it..Unrewarding... i tried to nap this afternoon when miss 2 did...but my mind wandered endlessly! Alas, just as i can feel my self sinking into freedom..MUMMA MUMMA! the words ring out and im back from what would have been my island paradise!. I have a bit of an appetite at the moment and feel i have probably gorged a little to used to eating barely 1 full meal a day and maybe a snack thrown in for good measure...But last night and today, i have eaten a small horse...and im paying for so bloated and stomach is actually agonisingly sore to touch...especially just above my belly button....very tender sounds as though you are getting stronger and stronger everyday! And you carry your determination well...its such a rewarding feeling to know your powering thru! Do you feel the same? Im feeling very low tonight...tired, drained, hungover slightly! But in N+ CLEAN.. and at the moment, thats my main focus!!!! 3 years of drug abuse and im finally feeling like im winning....Im an addict, whose no longer an addict!!!!

Posted by: almosthome June 13, 2015, 8:16 AM
yeah sleep is acting like the ever elusive high you keep chasing because you remember how good it once was, but Everytime you do it you're left feeling empty and disappointed. That side of things will change but for now sleep is like the girl you love and put all your effort into but she doesn't give a f*** about you, and she just sux the life.......AH STOP IT!! I think at this point yes, I need to really enjoy the positive things and the pride I feel blah blah, but it's really important I focus and keep trying to ride out the crappy feelings. I gotta learn how to cope when I feel horrid and like there is no hope. I feel a bit like that now. Like I'm getting nowhere. I know I AM getting somewhere, and once again there is no part of me willing to consider taking a Garrotte to my soul again just to feel better but if I ONLY focus on what is good about my situation right now, I will be totally un prepared when I hit the floor later on, and tomorrow and whenever. I refuse to run from the negative right now. I mean it's good to find ways to get yourself out of a funk sometimes, but sometimes you just feel s***, and I don't want to be panicking Everytime that happens. I'm not gonna wallow in it but I have to get accustomed to it if I want this big change I'm making to be permanent.

Posted by: almosthome June 13, 2015, 10:41 AM
12:30am day 13(just). Did some weights and sung a few tunes on the guitar, and managed to shake off this uneasy tense feeling in my body for a while. My head is working up one hell of a headache and I am tired tired tired. Dad? if your up there? please knock me out for eight hours and let me wake up fresh. I know you already raised me, taught me respect, gave me every chance in life, and instilled all your best qualities in me. I just really need this. If you're busy maybe you could ask Uncle Ray to do it, just make sure you tell him I love him ok? Volim te Tata, i hvala.

Posted by: almosthome June 13, 2015, 2:54 PM
well, if the old boy was here he would give me at least a smack upside the head and tell me that it serves me right. So I kind of doubt he is gonna use any mystical powers just to get down here and offer me a shortcut out of some bulls*** I started, ha. I've been trying everything all night (4:30am) and nothing is even coming close to working. I can barely lift my head at the moment. just so tired. showers, exercise, distractions etc. People talk about coming of 10-20 ml and having month long nightmares so I guess dropping 140 cold I should be reasonable and just expect the same

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 13, 2015, 5:23 PM
Its a s*** a** feeling not being able to sleep...its bad enough we feel crap trying to get clean, but then to have hardly any sleep makes it worse...nothing like a few days awake on the wiz and then the big come down...thats kinda how i felt in the begining..not so much now...So i see you didnt get help from your dad or uncle in heaven...well maybe you did!!! Sometimes unanswered prayers are unanswered for a reason!!! The main reason we feel THIS bad and have such a hard time getting and staying clean is the lesson in it self....same as a hangover...its our body teaching us to stop hurting makes it super bad so we dont want to do it again...although most of us do..thats my belief if your dad helped ya out it would be need to do this on your own...tell help make you a stronger person for it...if it was still be popping pills...knowing i could stop when i want...i thank god thats no the case...sorry if km not making still only surviving on about 6 hours sleep a day i do truly understand what your going thru..big hugs will all pass in time....we got thjs

Posted by: marykat80 June 13, 2015, 6:29 PM
Don't ask your dAd for 8 hours, ask just for some. I totally did same with my grandma who I was super close with. And you know it worked, she was and is looking after me. Hang in there you guys!

Posted by: almosthome June 13, 2015, 6:43 PM
a your both absolutely right. My eye hasn't stopped twitching for 4 days. It makes me feel like I'm insane and about to explode. I wonder if the only reason I haven't is for fear that the exertion would break my willpower. I look no I feel unpredictable and unreasonable. don't get me wrong, if someone offered me a methadone tablet right I would say f*** it and exert the hell out of my self! thankyou both. reading your comments this morning were literally the difference between me writing this response or punching myself in the face 10 times. Still feeling strong but losing my cool a bit. maybe I need some Jack Black music he's good at expressing the living guts out of things. laterz onz mates

Posted by: almosthome June 13, 2015, 6:45 PM
by exert myself I meant oppose the idea of tablets with great feeling. No danger. for me anyway...

Posted by: almosthome June 13, 2015, 7:35 PM
f*** this! I'm not ok. this is not ok. I wish this was somebody else's fault. Me being the most peaceful non violent person in the world I would absolutely find that person and punch them until they stopped moving. and then maybe some more. But this is all on me. I did this to MYSELF! and knew this is what it would take to ditch it. What am I crazy?

I'm like a emo with a knife and too much alone time. (im not hurting myself or anyone else just to be clear, that's not how I roll) But that's how I FEEL. I am so desperately keeping my voice low to not scare my kids. all lovely and sweet HELLO DADDY I love you! the feeling I get, makes me want to scream and then dive headfirst off the veranda. So it's all teeth clenched and fake smiles and la Di f***en DAAAAAAAAAA! I slipped up before without even thinking. My son was blowing this whistle and my head was screaming and my eye was twitching. And I said to him in a whimsical friendly voice - Hey son! would you like me to break the whistle? No (confused) coz it sounds like you want me to break the whistle. I snapped out of it and fake laughed and said I was joking and he laughed but man..... I can't be like this.
my eye just keeps twitching away like its trying to remind me and anyone who looks at me how close I am to exploding. I think I need to regroup somehow. I thought it would be over by now so I was not prepared for this. I can stay off the opiates no problem, but dealing with the fall out is a whole other ballgame

Posted by: marykat80 June 13, 2015, 7:42 PM
Look at it this way- eye twitches are annoying as sh**. I get them all the time, upper arm too. But you toughed it out through physical agony already. Just remember those moments & you'll well not appreciate the twitches but they won't seem so bad. Didn't know Jack black played music. Bernie is so funny,well aside that it's based on true story! Stay strong like your doing! -Mary

Posted by: marykat80 June 13, 2015, 7:47 PM
Ok just read your second post. Long as you can fake smile to the kids,better then no smile. Are you having to watch them without your wife? If so that's super rough! Yes you did this to yourself but your making the changes you need,and while seems worse will be better in end. Try not to get mad at yourself for having no patience as that's expected. Your going through a lot but will come out stronger in the end.

Posted by: almosthome June 13, 2015, 8:05 PM ....yep ok

Posted by: almosthome June 14, 2015, 5:12 AM
earplugs and sunglasses (even at night)

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 14, 2015, 6:19 AM
Dont be so damn hard on ya self ok...we are only human, and sometimes we make bad choices..but beating your self up about isnt helping you! Your doing so well and you have come so far (its been 2 weeks) it cant stay like this forever...just accept it for what it is and ride the wave to shore..dont make it harder on yourself...and can i point out that i too wear earplugs to bed everynight and i wear an eye mask..i have done so since my eldest was born...16 years if i dont have.them i cant bad is hope you have a.good night...ill keep you in my thoughts....

Posted by: almosthome June 14, 2015, 3:51 PM
I just needed to get all that out I guess. Its a bit strange reading it coz I have not been thinking clearly but it's exactly what my thoughts and fears have been for the last while, so seein g it on the page is strange. I think a lot of it for me is that, A lot happened while I was out of it and since I was already on it, instead of dealing with how I felt about it, I just numbed it out as much as I could until it stopped bothering me so much. So I kind of knew it would be waiting for me. In the first week when I started getting all emotional it was all there and I was ready for it so I handled it ok. But yeah. I had a plan. I said to myself, this is how long it takes so I can handle it for THAT long no matter what. All it took was an extra few days for for me to flip out and get my knickers in a knot ha!

I can see it when I read back. I am thinking I am near the end so I just grab on and focus on the positive stuff, and just ride it out of the storm. And yeah, it just starts taking too long and I stop handling myself. So part one is panic mode, ranting raving basically saying HEEELLP! all over the place, and part two was kinda like a self slapping backhand. Like pull it together, ur embarrassing urself. So I just when into the bunker kind of and chucked on my sunnies and plugs for a while. It helped.

I just don't know if I'm near the end or not anymore coz it's not like the last time I did it. I maybe started celebrating too early and let a couple of simple goals slip past me so yeah. I'm basically just trying to regroup, and re evaluate. As I keep saying. I feel no desire for meds. I feel a desire for getting this behind me...SOON. I would not be able to explain to myself or anyone else why I got so far through it and just decided, you know what, I have come so far and done so well but this last bit is really hard so I'm gonna just turn around and walk back to the start. So no fear of that. 5:30 am day....14?

Posted by: almosthome June 14, 2015, 3:57 PM
I came up with a good description. It's like being thrown into a sweat box I don't mean a sauna I mean the ones you jump into to overwhelm yourself to induce a kind of freak out. It's like you hold out for as long as you can and when you start feeling like you're not coping, you ask somebody how long, and they say ok, this much longer, and you can say ok I can do it, just THAT much longer. But if you ask the guy and he rubs his hands together and say we're just getting started? You hold out for a bit but with no end in sight you say nope that's enough I CANT HANDLE IT, I'm out. So yeah. problem being that I can't just stop it, I have to just take whatever comes. It is what it is.

Posted by: marykat80 June 14, 2015, 4:39 PM
Your last sentence somewhat powerful&realizing that is good. We all want to know when is it going to end/get better. People will say oh by this day you will be feeling SO much better,truth is everyone is different, so as far as first year yeah will get better in certain aspects and maybe feel worse in others or go back&forth. I remember cursing to myself this lady that said you will feel better by 'X day' once I hit that day was thinking sh**, I felt better before on this other day, what the hell is she talking about?! Oh yeah sunglasses & earplugs, I didn't have sense to get earplugs,used cotton balls, ha, imagine how well that worked. I remember over a month off watching a movie wearing sunglasses....sensitivity took awhile. You mentioned something bout being embarrassed. Don't be, you are battling one of the biggest things there is to battle. Be proud of yourself! -Mary

Posted by: almosthome June 14, 2015, 5:02 PM
Thanks Marykat, you always know just what to say to change things up in me. Like when you said about the last sentence. I was like, huh? but then when I read it again I got goosebumps hahaha I WROTE IT hahaha. apparently Steven seagal walks up to someone and says all emotional "I just read the most incredible script I have ever seen in my life". the guy says really? who wrote it. and seagal says "I did" hahahaha. Cotton balls... what is it the 30's? hahaha fail!

Posted by: almosthome June 14, 2015, 6:25 PM
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Nelson Mandela

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 14, 2015, 7:03 PM
Marykat is right! We all heal differntly! Some take days, some take weeks, its all a personal process...yes it is what it is...hell im day 9 now and still feel like im gunna be feeling s*** easy it would be to just pop a handful of pills and make it all better...but that wont be happening...i have to ride the storm out..for as long as it thing is forsure, i will not let this define me....

Posted by: almosthome June 14, 2015, 7:46 PM
OH MY GODYES! I mean NO! I can't accept that I have to take meds in order to function. I mean I think if had to do it for awhile in order to get through something tough without wrecking everything, then fine. But I will never accept that I have to stay there forever. THEY (the pills) MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE... OUR FREEDOM!!!

Posted by: almosthome June 14, 2015, 9:00 PM
well that doesn't make sense. sounds good in my head though.

Posted by: marykat80 June 14, 2015, 10:21 PM
No,that makes total sense, least did to me anyway. Ha your funny, is it the 30s? When I was going through it, I got stuck in the 80s as well. Walked around with a bright yellow walkman,not even Discman! Cassette walkman, rockin out with a broken hand cause I punched A wall when I was dropping super fast, looking like a straight tweak! Finally caught up with the times&got a smartphone that plays music. Ha, anyway hang in there! Kinda hAte using that phrase cause it seems so light through something so intense. -Mary

Posted by: almosthome June 14, 2015, 10:38 PM
hahaha makes me think of UB40 for some reason. Yeah I was talking to my missus about this really frustrating situation and just lost it for a sec and sort of clench teeth screamed. I had to get her to fake laugh in case the neighbours called the cops or something. Oh great, a broken hand, just what you needed right? And yeah you don't have a lot of choice with the whole keep your chin up thing. I mean you can't end it negative like. "so anyway, have good day, and you're f***ed and no one can help you" but yeah when it gets dark it doesn't seem right to go all chirpy on it. I think it is right though. But yeah that's why I say stupid s*** like stay gold Ponyboy, or cool bananas and rhyyyyye vita bread, at the end of stuff. If you can't be positive and you don't wanna be negative, just be weird. That's my motto

Posted by: almosthome June 15, 2015, 3:07 AM
5pm day 14 another long as day. Not losing it today. I think I'm finally coming to grips with the whole thing. Accepting that ok it's not gonna just end suddenly and I will emerge with a new set of wings and a custom tattoo job. I jumped on this (slow) train, and now I gotta ride it all the way home. I TRIED to jump off but I guess my foot got caught somehow, or the door was locked. Yeah that's it the door is locked and won't open till we reach the station. Meanwhile, the fat controller was having trooble with the traffic. Oh no! said Thomas... Anyway super tired. Not hitting the toilet so much, but still got my eye twitching away making me look like a nutter. Getting this weird jolt where my whole body jumps as if I been hit with a cattle prod. Still hot and cold, more cold, but it's not as unpleasant as before. So at least today I can say, I'm better than yesterday. So it's not all so bad at the end of the day.

Posted by: marykat80 June 15, 2015, 3:09 AM
Yeah the broken hand, least got me on disability cause no way would've been able to work. Funny thing was when people asked how my hand was feeling & I'd think huh? Hand? That was least my concerns then! Well least cops didn't get called with whatever happened between you guys& if she was willing to do a fake laugh then she's there for you, you know? Oh and remembered you quoting stay gold ponyboy before and I tripped out on that. First week or so off I couldn't concentrate on Movies for life of me....I'm laying in bed like death&friend puts on movie without telling me what. Outsiders. I immediately started bawling, thinking you HAD to put this on! (Reminded me of my son's dad&we were apart then) so yeah when you say that I get a flashback to that moment.

Posted by: almosthome June 15, 2015, 2:16 PM
that's crazy. I never say it. It just randomly popped into my head while I was posting on here. doo doo doo doo THE TWILIGHT ZONE. Yeah when I screamed that time, we weren't fighting or anything, we were just talking about something really frustrating and it was like I stepped on a stick and suddenly the bear knew I was there. I was like quick honey cover me! She's awesome, so patient. It's like we are in a rugby scrum and she is all the other people on my side, and keeps filling the gaps when they appear, lending support where there is weakness.

Anyway, I finally caved and hit someone up for a double dose of temazepam. I was so reluctant as I didn't want to risk prolonging the wd's(I dunno if that even happens wi temaz) but also because I don't want get away from the opiates only to find myself dependant on another drug for my regular everyday functions. But it had been two weeks yesterday, and the most I had slept was two hours in a night and that was only twice. Otherwise it was either nothing, or 30min to 1hr. And I was losing it.

It sounds weird to say but thankfully I woke up with all my withdrawals in place but feeling a bit less desperately exhausted. It was worth it. I have dealt with long bouts of little to no sleep before and never hit the panic button. I think it's just while the wd's are still fairly strong it was just starting to topple me.

I feel I have to say that I waited until I got through my latest freak out, and was reasonably ok before I made that decision. I didn't want it to become another coping mechanism. It wasn't a awesome nights sleep ( it's 3am) but better than anything thus far. I think I got 3 short naps of 2hr each. so 6 hours! hvala bog! such a relief. But yeah back to grinding out these wd's and feeling more ready to weather the storm. Well it's more like heavy rain now.

Posted by: almosthome June 15, 2015, 4:31 PM
6:30 am I'm am definately feeling better this morning. I think when I wasn't sleeping it really amplified the symptoms and I was viewing them in connection to the really bad ones I had earlier in the piece. Still all happening, I'm a bit achey (is that a word?) and I am anxious in the chest. My heart rate is up, but it's doable. I'm kind of waiting for the day to start so I can hassle someone for some stimulating conversation. And it sure is sweet watching the sun come up every morning.

I tried to do a crossword but once I started missing too many answers I was like ARGH KILL YOU. So still jumpy and tweaky, but no longer pleading with the symptoms to stop torturing me. Don't get me wrong, it's unpleasant and uncomfortable, but so much more manageable at this stage. So yep, day 15, I got this in the bag.

Posted by: almosthome June 15, 2015, 5:20 PM
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become.
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
there's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.
I bless the rains in Australia
gonna take some time to do the things we never have.

Toto - Africa
(I had to say Australia coz that's how I roll)

Posted by: marykat80 June 15, 2015, 6:43 PM
15 days! And you said you got 6hr sleep other night? Amazing! What's tamazepam? I'm gonna look it up. Yeah heart racing...ugh. does it happen when you wake as well? If I remember right I think@that time I would bounce outta bed but would only race upon waking if someone or something woke me, then I would shoot outta bed like there was some sort of natural disaster or something. Happy your in good spirits right now,considering!

Posted by: almosthome June 15, 2015, 6:57 PM
temaz is benzo I believe. But yeah my heart just decides go to a rave every now and then and I just have sit back like the boring boyfriend until it's done dancing. I think it's just anxiety and tension n' stuff. Better than the shooting pains I WAS having in the chest and down my arm whatever. I could totally amazing waking up with the lights flashing and air raid sirens going when you said about the waking up thing. Gave me a good giggle

Posted by: almosthome June 15, 2015, 6:58 PM
I meant imagine not amazing. bloody auto correct

Posted by: marykat80 June 15, 2015, 7:00 PM
Ok it's a benzodiazepine, was wondering cause it ends with Pam. Thought knew them all but guess I didn't! I wouldn't worry too much long as you keep yourself in check with them. I was taking clonazepam(klonopins) but had been on them few years daily while on methadone, so didn't do sh** for me. Would take extras&friend gave me bunch of lorazepam(ativan) which at that time still didn't do much but later on did. My Dr months later prescribed me Adivan but so so careful as like you said don't want dependency on something else. I'm right now In process tapering off the klonopins. Day 15 for sleep etc was taking: benadryl, melatonin, trazadone, and clonidine. All those from day #1. Anyway think your in clear with what you took long as you don't take daily for too long

Posted by: marykat80 June 15, 2015, 7:03 PM
See the addict in me couldn't wait for you to respond, had to look it up! Air raid sirens! Exactly, ha

Posted by: almosthome June 15, 2015, 7:06 PM
yeah ok, cool beans. yeah the ones I was familiar with are diazepam, and temazepam, but one day years ago my old doc gave me some oxazepam and wow. It's like the other ones were two very friendly women named Diane and Tamara and they would stroke your hair until you drift off but Ox would say RIGHT CLOSE YOUR EYES AND HOLD STILL. and then BAM! sledgehammer. but yeah worked a treat last night but apparently your tolerance can sky rocket so I'll jus be careful and only when desperate.

Posted by: marykat80 June 15, 2015, 7:17 PM
Man never met ox, maybe good thing I didn't! Ha, yeah I don't know sleep will come back, seems like forever but my sense of time was so fuzzy, looking back think came back quicker then I thought at time. But strange sense of time lasted forever! Really the lorazepam really helped at around 3months off, when I would fly into rages, I still didn't take as often as rages occurred but didn't want to scare everyone away from me. Still drove everyone nuts myself included but yeah made it a small small temporary fix so I wouldn't bash my head through a window or something....

Posted by: almosthome June 15, 2015, 7:28 PM
Laura (lorazepam) sounds lovely, like you're all flippin out in a bar by yourself trashing the place cops in riot gear and she's the only one who can talk you down hahaaa. yeah that's a big one. Your fuze becomes so short once you stop mellowing yourself wi meds. I done pretty good so far with staying away from stuff that flips the switch in my head, but sometimes it just happens too fast.

Posted by: marykat80 June 15, 2015, 8:19 PM
Hahaha that's pretty funny analogy! Yeah everyone's different, honestly at couple weeks off I wasn't flipping out, in that sense anyway. Probably for over a month if anyone tried to start conflict (or even an unpleasant intense conversation that in my brain seemed like war) I couldn't handle it, brain spinning, confused, heart racing....I didn't know how to react, arguing or anything similar to that was WAY too much. Oh but once I got through that phase all my reactions came on full force!

Posted by: almosthome June 15, 2015, 8:39 PM
Oh great. I just know it's gonna be like that for me too. I have always been almost notoriously short tempered. I spent years trying to lengthen my fuse to just long enough so I could get ahold of myself before racing off to crazy town in those types of situations. I may well have to go back to school now.

Posted by: marykat80 June 15, 2015, 11:06 PM
Oh no, I did not mean to scare you! Too late to take back my words now...Well. for Me I thought i was prepared for everything no sleeping, depression etc. So when I started turning into a lion round 3months off, I was NOT prepared....did a lot of reading up& found that it's common BUT that being said not everyone experiences that either. So hopefully you don't. I lost my house that I loved and my job, those two life changes combined may have made worse for me, or maybe I Was Reason I lost them. Either way, we can't predict how we are going to handle situations or what we are going to be feeling couple weeks months etc. Just try to stay positive like your doing.

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 12:17 AM
come on! don't fret about saying the wrong thing. Anything you have to say is a ok especially when your talking about your tough times. I like trading war stories and considering the possibilities good and bad. I can always not read it you know. anyway I been listening to good tunes of all kinds, anything impressive or emotional or aggressive that gets the hair standing up on my arms. I'm enjoying poking and playing wi my emotions a bit coz I'm not used to having them.

Posted by: marykat80 June 16, 2015, 3:16 AM
Yeah I over think everything & think um..Should I have said that? Maybe that's because half the things I say I probably shouldn't! Music...all good for you right now for sure. Isn't it awesome getting goosebumps from a song after not getting that in so long. Hey you are probably a step ahead of me, when I was where you're at. What I mean is for first month I don't know that it gave me those feelings yet. I listened nonstop,so was getting something from it, I think kept my brain from spinning..escaping my Mind, sounded good for sure but don't think music could make me sad at that point, or maybe I was just picking music that wouldn't, either way boosting serotonin and yeah getting that crazy love for music back.

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 3:30 AM
My sister was laughing at me the other day over how I sometimes just walk up to strangers and say random stuff that I think is funny. Like your T-shirt is excellent and you saddle make me feel famous and then laugh and make them gimme a high five or something, I dunno. I get sick of us all moping down the street too scared to smile at eachother so I have to funk it up. It usually gets a smile or a friendly wtf? not always..... yeah sometimes, yeesh maybe I should stay indoors.,but nah I like that I do that coz it usually get a few smiles and laughs. You gotta be you hey. whatever that turns out to be.

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 3:31 AM
your sandles I meant not saddle

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 6:25 AM
8pm day 15, I really think I'm coming out of it now. I am still restless and yawning a bit too much but that's around about it. Sore sometimes but I've felt worse. Energy levels pretty low but not all the time. I may still have my ups and downs but yeah. You know that ridiculous s*** some people say about how withdrawals are like a bad cold? Well I call BULLs***. It took me 15 days of will crushing, soul sucking hell to get here, and now that I am past the worst of it and starting to really come good? NOW it is like a bad cold.

I can do a bad cold. Anyone can. Im gonna go ahead and give myself a pat on the back for this whole undertaking. It takes balls to jump of 140mg of methadone cold turkey and I did that. I did it and I stuck it out and here I am. I think it's probably a long road back to health and normality for my mind and body, and that's ok. It just feels so GOOD to finally know I am back on the right track. Good days and bad, I'm human again. Somehow I changed myself back from a vampire into a human again. Kicked methadones a** mudda puckas. Back from the dead! Lock up your daughters! kidding...

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 7:20 AM
I'm not sure why I didn't mention this before but up until a few days ago I was taking bactrim DS (sulfamethoxazole and trimethoprim) 800/160mg. All I know about it is that it is a really heavy anti-biotic. Like nuclear strength. I had an infection in the joint where your leg joins your hip. It was so painful that eventually I could neither walk or lay down. I spent 3 weeks on the couch sitting up, feet on the ground. Before my wife made me call an ambulance

I was using either a plastic bottle to go to the toilet, or I would spend half an hour lifting myself into an office chair with my arms, and then push myself to the toilet with my good leg. repeat the process to get on the toilet. And sometimes I would have to shove a towel or part of my shirt in my mouth so the kids couldn't hear me scream.

There was a lot of screaming and crying and all that in the hospital. But yeah, I was supposed to be in for another month to have intravenous antibiotics, but apparently they discovered the oral antibiotic described above and provided that I took it 3 times a day for 3 months I could go home sooner.
The reason I mention this is because when I jumped into this cold turkey thing I never took into account how much antibiotics run your body into the ground, and maybe that has a bit to do with why this time was harder than the first time I did it. Anyway, just thought I ought to mention it.

I stopped them a couple days ago. I only had like 3 left so yeah.

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 7:57 AM
you don't get over it, you just get on with it

Posted by: marykat80 June 16, 2015, 11:57 AM
Man That sounds horrible. Yeah I don't know that the antibiotics would have made it harder far as withdrawal, if anything I would think they would've helped induce sleep, (even though nothing seems to) in first year I was off not until 2 or 3 months off all up until round 8 months off I was on so many different kinds for teeth, and some crazy skin rash from stress to staph infection, ugh the things stress does to the body! But yeah they drain you for sure, (antibiotics) I swear I never had a grey hair before and after I quit methadone (had just turned 34) got a big patch back of hair...crazy. weird thing is I don't seem to get any now. You had me laughing couple posts up. I seemed to compliment everyone like crazy as if I'd eaten some acid. 'Love your nail polish (as if i'd never seen the color purple before) and talked to anyone&everyone. Hell yeah you should be so proud of beating this sh**! Not too many can and do you know! Oh yeah like a flu or cold, ha...not like one I'd ever experienced in my life.

Posted by: marykat80 June 16, 2015, 12:05 PM
Wait I had just turned 33 when I quit, guess I still don't have any sense of time! Yeah seems like such long time ago but remember everything like it was yesterday. Actually isn't that how people remember stuff, maybe I am getting sense of time back!

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 12:49 PM
I'm just about to turn 33. that's excellent. where are u by the way? I'm guessing US?

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 12:52 PM
hahahaha, your handbag makes me feel Scandinavian.

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 12:58 PM
I was introduced to this guy a while back and we were shaking hands, but I wasn't really paying attention to him. When I looked up I had some kind of something and said to him "oh, you look nice actually" and pulled him in for a big cuddle hahaha he didn't know wtf to make of me. f***ing hell, medication is too weird. patch of hair here, single eye colour change there. yeah I developed a small patch of grey on my head after last time now that you mention it. Yep, meds are weird and I want em gone. it's break up time. I just have to make sure my ex (street drugs) doesn't come around. they always seem to make themselves available when I'm vulnerable. It's probably all me but

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 1:14 PM
there's a rat in me kitchen what am I gonna do?
there's a rat in me kitchen what am I gonna do?
I'm gonna fix that rat that's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna fix dat rat


Posted by: marykat80 June 16, 2015, 1:28 PM
Your all about ub40 right now huh? Ha you hugged some guy you just met, that's hilarious! Yeah u.s. northern California. Yeah better to quit now, older get&harder. Just try not to look backwards& remember all the bad you've experienced trough this's not worth it you know?

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 1:50 PM
Yep. I'm gonna fix that rat. And yes I always hug when I meet someone but I usually don't tell men that they look nice before pulling them in hahaha. I had this job in Melbourne for a while and after about a month my nickname was cuddles. The bosses loved me coz when morale was low I would pull as many people as I could into a massive group hug and try to get them laughing and feeling better about being cooped up for the day. After a while everyone was doing it. I was proud of that. They could even still be doing it. Cuddles... made me feel like a house cat trying to be a lion. It worked for me at the time I guess, but I'm sure at least some of them thought I was a wacko. Oh s***! here comes cuddles! just smile and nod, but don't make eye contact hahaha

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 9:32 PM
Symptoms less everyday now. Desperately trying to keep busy otherwise my mind tries to make more out of it than is necessary. On that note I'm gonna play my sons Xbox.

Posted by: marykat80 June 16, 2015, 10:02 PM
That's good, yup whatever works&keeps brain occupied for sure. I remember rediscovering crossword puzzles at some point totally forgetting that I liked them, but then got frustrated cause sucked at it when used to be good, but I finally enjoy them again

Posted by: marykat80 June 16, 2015, 10:15 PM
Oh and mean to ask you/day 16 right? You feel tired or energetic mostly at this point?

Posted by: almosthome June 16, 2015, 11:34 PM
Yep day 16. well it's both, I FEEL like I have energy but whenever I try to do anything I burn out real quick. If I relax too much it's frustrating. So yeah that part of it is the same. Yeah I was cross wording for the first time in ages yesterday or something and yeah, not used to missing so many answers so got frustrated too. How you doin? I didn't realise you were in a thing till I poked around the site a bit.

Posted by: marykat80 June 17, 2015, 12:12 AM
Kind of like energy but don't get or feel like you can get anything close to productive done? Hate this even with auto correct I still trip out on words to this day& English was always my strong point. I seriously wonder if I had a mini stroke when I quit. Or maybe I'm just being a hypochondriac and have some permanent brain damage, either way it sucks! How am I doing with thing? The benzo thing? If your referring to that ok I've been on low dose daily for couple years shy of methadone. Not jumping gun with this one though. Got down .25 and symptoms only lasted 2 weeks. So good with that now, wait until up to feeling sh** for another 2 then drop again. If that's even what your talking bout, assume it is.

Posted by: almosthome June 17, 2015, 4:24 AM
yeah that's what I meant. I'm a bit vague at the moment. "you know the guy with the thing who has to go with the chick to the place or they miss out on the stuff they need?" Anyway The heart thing is bothering me too now. strong cramps and shooting pain down left arm. I ended up so highly strung or tightly wound this morning that I ended up taking my second last dose of knockout meds. My heart was flying and it was painful and I couldn't get control back so I had to get out of it. I slept half the day away. and yes exactly what you said about the energy. there is enough there to get me biting nails and tapping feet non stop but try to use it and it vanishes.

Posted by: almosthome June 17, 2015, 8:15 AM
Captains log, Star date or day 16 10pm entering the weird a** nebula. getting the cattle prod thing pretty intense at the moment. It was just the occasional zap, but now it's 2 or 3 in quick succession just all the time all day. Also the sneezing fits I was getting whenever eating or drinking something fresh, are all the time too. Bit of a pain in the a**. I keep having thoughts of someone saying or doing something to me that would send me over the edge, and I lose it COMPLETELY and start screaming like a banshee while I rip and smash them to pieces. It's not even unpleasant to think of. I keep catching myself teeth and fists clenched staring of into the distance for got knows how long. I guess that's the other side to all the emotions coming back. Trying to use hand weights (nice and heavy, short bursts) as much as I can, and feeling less quickly exhausted by things like that.

Posted by: almosthome June 17, 2015, 11:12 AM
So I got another hour or so sleep in, and while it was a bit hard to shake of the tiredness at first. I am feeling markedly better. Most of the symptoms are still happening but at the moment it is so much less than before, that it just feels like relief right now. It helps that it's 1am and it's nice and quiet. At different times after I had to stop working, I would deliberately go nocturnal for stretches of time, I would see the kids in the morning, make them breakfast and spen some time, then I would sleep through until the arvo/evening, get up dinner wi the family and all that and then when they all passed out I would just bung around the house talking to myself doing whatever. I just couldn't handle anything more. I always felt much more upbeat and chirpy in the middle of the night. I dunno, I guess it was a sort of coping technique. Anyway the point is I'm feeling good. Day 17 1am

Posted by: marykat80 June 17, 2015, 1:38 PM
You say you keep having thoughts of someone saying or doing something that would send you over edge,holy sh**! I did that CONSTANTLY, for Me wasn't for couple months off, but yeah I would put all these stories/scenarios in my head where someone would look at me sideways or say something to piss me off&I would think how I was going to respond. It would be like a short movie script! I still do slightly to this day but not near to extent. I would sometimes verbalize those thoughts to boyfriend&he would tell me to stop premeditating or whatever but my brain couldn't shut the thoughts out. Zaps your talking about arms or head? I had both. Head (brain zaps lasting so long but less intense of course, to this day I get one every now&then, don't understand why, just hit year&half the 14th. Heart will probably do that for awhile, again intensity will ease. The energy thing, yeah I felt talkative amped, but thought of DOING anything seemed like way too much. Glad you got some rest&17 days now!! I actually clearly remember my 17th day, went to an NA meeting, only went to couple after.

Posted by: almosthome June 17, 2015, 2:49 PM
You had it too! the thoughts n' stuff. That's kind of a relief. Maybe I'm not crazy. And yeah the zaps are in my neck and shoulders so I involuntarily shrug and shake my head to the side two or three times in quick succession. I'm not so worried about it but it feels and must look nuts and I have no say as to when it's gonna happen(please don't visit me grandma). Now that I think about it, I reckon the scenarios about rage are probably just me feeling the need to express myself, but like you said the thought or attempt to do anything is so tiring. So you get a bit stuck. That's the only thing that hasn't changed. The energy levels. But I have a big pile of log rounds that need splitting, so I think on the next sunny day I'm gonna have a crack at making that pile smaller. Even a little bit. I did that last withdrawal (sounds like last xmas) and it helped a lot. It's winter here and raining so it's not my first inclination to go outside just to soak and freeze haha. It's been really cool reading your posts, makes me think we might be birds of a dodgy feather a little bit hahaha, and it makes me feel like I'm not so alone in this situation I put myself in. Anyway here's hoping the bennies release you without too much of a scene. ;)

Posted by: almosthome June 17, 2015, 5:10 PM
temazepam- benzodiazepine
tamara benson

diazepam- benzodiazepine
Diane benson

Laura Benson

Ox just Ox.

the benson family - terrible people. Ok to be around for a little while, but spend to much time with them and they turn on you hahaha stop it!

Posted by: marykat80 June 17, 2015, 6:36 PM
Yes they can& you be careful too! Thanks yeah I was mainly worked about mood swings&lack of sleep when I started taking less the clonazepam. Was fine in that area. Dry mouth,abdominal cramping and depression all subsided within 2 weeks, now I can handle that! Onto those thoughts of imagining sh** going down&ready to retaliate....honestly,when I read that it I FELT relieved! I never heard anyone else talk about that and yeah felt crazy. That combined with other stuff. Oh yeah different country different season forgot that! December 14th 2013 was my 1st day off methadone yes that was a straaange Christmas to say least!!!

Posted by: almosthome June 18, 2015, 2:02 AM
yeah it's good to know. It put things in a different perspective for me. I was reading somewhere about how 90 percent of us run back to methadone within a year of getting clean. The fact that you are going on 18 months says a lot about you. I want that. I was naive last time and felt invincible, but it turned out I was kind of kidding myself, trying to ignore the inclinations to use... well, just about everything to get away from what was happening for me. This time my eyes are open. I wanna be in the cool group wi you guys. Plus you wrote that you had a son 8 years old (that was you right?). My boy will be 8 next month and I just keep thinking that he is getting to an age where he sees things and remembers things a bit clearer and I don't want his prime example of what it means to be a man, to be the me that runs to medication when things get tough.

My dad went to jail for armed robbery, assault etc. and was always involved in heavy s***, basically a small (ish) time gangster old style. They even asked him to collect for the local mafia way back when. But he was never afraid to work...hard. And once I got to a certain age he got out of all that and just went to work. I will always have massive respect for that. I'm not gonna say he didn't always have something running on the side (he thought I didn't know) but he was trying to show me that a man doesn't lay down and quit. You get up, you head out, and do what it takes. Ahh s***. f***en crying now. I miss him so much. He had the biggest heart you know?

Anyway what I'm trying to say is ok, I been a bit crazy up till now but it's time to man up and be a proper dad. Just being around and being loving and caring is not gonna be enough anymore. Giving speeches to your babies is all fine and good but in the end they are always gonna play monkey see monkey do. And this monkey needs to stop f***ing around and start being who I am supposed to be.

Posted by: almosthome June 18, 2015, 6:04 AM
just had a couple of stellar hours wi my boy. Hangin' out like two best mates. Felt almost normal for a while there. Old uncle opiate is on the ropes! I'm throwing deadly combinations!
he's starting to wobble!

Posted by: marykat80 June 18, 2015, 12:17 PM
Wait your last post confused me? Did you take something or saying you didn't, couldn't understand that's post. Post above so heart felt! About being a father and all. Yes my son is 8. Yeah we think they don't know what's going on, but they are smarter then we always give them credit for. I didn't know methadone statistics far as the year thing,though makes total sense. Especially if dealing with psychological part and if you're ever so lucky to suffer PAWS badly like I did. I think often I was a better mother when I was on methadone, motivation wise interaction etc. But that started going away but does cross my mind on occasion. I try to ignore that I'm sure I'm more present now and just not fully aware how I was then&now if that makes sense. Wish I could write more but my son's friend is over& gotta get going, lemme know what last post meant.

Posted by: almosthome June 18, 2015, 1:17 PM
No I defo did not take anything, well apart from a couple of bennies yesterday. I was just imagining myself in a boxing match with my addiction (uncle opiate) and I was starting to win.

I wonder about that too, especially lately, whether I'm better with my kids when I'm calmer and more quiet. But nah no way. Not at this age. I look back at my own childhood and I can honestly say that some of the best memories/lessons I have, are of him on the warpath raging about some such thing. I mean there was absolutely no doubt about who he was, where he stood or that he meant everything he said, right to the bottom of his soul.

He taught me to be passionate and real, and to fight for the things/people you love. And I mean I don't remember him ever TALKING about that stuff. It was just something that you knew about him, that everybody knew about him. Ok he used to go off and scare/hurt people sometimes, but there was never any doubt about who he was, where he was at, and that every word he said came from the bottom of his soul.

I reckon that my kids are always going to get both the good and the bad from me, no matter how well I try to hold my s*** together. Some of my best qualities as a person came from lessons learned in bad situations. All I'm saying is, like it or not, I am gonna be giving my kids big bowls full of crazy spicy strange exciting weird and scary food for the soul, every single day. And I'm not gonna always be able to pick and choose what I leave in that bowl. But that's life.

When I am on opiates, you know what my kids get from me? porridge. everyday, all day. and no matter how hard I try to funk it up with the occasional piece of fruit or spoon of honey, it will always just be f***en porridge. Well f*** that. No freaking way! Not my kids! Not anymore.

If I have to spend half my time struggling through my own problems, then so be it. I would rather give them the whole me half of the time, than half of me all the time.

Posted by: almosthome June 18, 2015, 1:18 PM
by him I meant my Dad

Posted by: almosthome June 18, 2015, 10:47 PM
ugh, I ramble so hard whenever I am about to crash. round and round we go, and then BOOM. Just tired real tired but taking heart from others success.

Posted by: marykat80 June 19, 2015, 1:32 AM
Read your post earlier but had super busy day then some devastating news early evening. Anyway big sigh of relief that I read your one post wrong. I wasn't quite sure who was defeating who. YOU ARE! I literally got huge sigh of relief when you clarified that one. Kinda odd to feel that 'oh no' feeling about someone I don't know, maybe because I feel we share/shared.a lot same symptoms and never knew anyone that did? Either way.I'm rooting for you! And rambling? Please!,I am queen of that. I tell people 'to make a long story short, blah blah blah' and get the response ' you mean to make a short story long' ha. I would reread what you wrote earlier but honestly super depressed tonight. But keep rambling ok

Posted by: almosthome June 19, 2015, 2:23 AM
oh don't worry, ramble on I shall hahaha. bloody good day today. I got this. Yeah we are on the other side of the planet but still two peas in a pod (two peas with a mean streak haha). Anyway, I don't want you to feel like you have to read or post or whatever. I will march on no matter what happens. That said it has been a real bonus getting to trade stories with you. I can sometimes be inclined to think that my more intense feelings actions are a sure sign that something is wrong with me (sometimes), so it's good to remember that I'm just a person, and not so 'out there' after all.

I really hope you're ok. I'm sorry I can't do anything.

Posted by: tryinghard2 June 19, 2015, 4:24 AM
Hiya almost, i love ya ramblings..its always a good read and sometimes gives me the glad to hear today is also a good day for you! Time with our little people is the best hey, and your right, as they get older they start to understand and see things more clearly! You know most of the times i would take my kids to the chemist with me..just sort of had to you know..anyway My little man, who is 6 and a half...would always say "not the chemist again" or would even half answer the questions sometimes when they are you on any other meds..he say "no" and sometikes he woukd procede to say and she knows with food!!! How bad is kid new it all cause he heard it 2 -3 times a day for years bad that makes me feel yep totally understand what u home now, feet up watching the box...waiting for bed...boring boring boring....

Posted by: almosthome June 19, 2015, 4:36 AM
oh but boring is so goooood sometimes. And yeah absolutely, I felt so guilty about stuff like that but for them it's pretty much nothing. It would be a problem if it was years later and they knew exactly what was going on and had been going on for as long as they could remember. But we're sorting that mess. I get you though with the guilt. Watching them sometimes and thinking, is this effecting you? am I f***ing up my kids?! ahhhhh anyway. I swear, when I read the word boring, I suddenly felt so deliciously tired. It's only 6:30 pm but I'm hitting the hay (hopefully)

P.S. it makes me feel GOOD when you say I made you giggle. All warm in my belly pouch (the mighty boosh)
laterz onz matesz

Posted by: marykat80 June 19, 2015, 12:29 PM
Your funny, obviously I wouldn't read you posts or write anything if I didn't want too. Your actually giving me alot of reflection and insight on my own recovery. I remember talking with a best friend who had quit maybe almost 2 years before me. I would call her, and she would say 'you can do this you gave birth' I would think wtf?! Were we taking the same drug here, cause having a baby didn't make me feel crazy! Well not until he started getting older,ha. As far as your feelings being intensified and what not, just part of your brain rewiring itself, but yeah can definitely get to feel a bit much!

Posted by: almosthome June 19, 2015, 3:40 PM
I know, I just, ah f*** it, you're good, I'm good, all good. All told I had real good day yesterday. I got to hang out with my mum just the two of us. I grew up with my old boy so over the years, the time we spent was always quality. I mean she was never shy about pulling me up or setting me straight, but we always made the most of hanging out, be it making eachother laugh (she has an excellent quirky sense of humour) or having big deep and meaningfuls.

So yeah spending time with her, I just lifted out of the fog so to speak. I've appreciated being able to talk to her when I'm a bit down and out, but at the same time I didn't want her to worry or to think I couldn't handle it. She used to tell me that sometimes you gotta fake it till you make it (I bet that sounds familiar to some people).

Anyway great day. I found that once I was in high spirits the wd's kind of faded into the background. Still having trouble with sleep. I did finally pass out around midnight and woke up about 3am, so not ideal but so much better than nothing. wd's are at the worst when I just woke up, and when I haven't slept for ages. you know muscle and joint aches blah blah, but yeah. Getting the shrug shrug head shake thing more than ever now and sneezing a fair bit, but that's more just weird than nasty.

It's really really nice, when your a bit stressed and unsure, having someone tell you it's ok and not to freak out, someone who has been there. I really appreciate it. It's allowed me to just move on instead of getting stuck somewhere bad sometimes. You're a diamond.

Anyway 5:30 am, still dark, just me and the boy. I'm gonna go play video games with him.
Day 19 jebe opiates jebe methadone!

Posted by: LoL June 19, 2015, 5:26 PM
hello there,i want to ask something..after 3 days clean of methadone and take suboxone for another 4 or 5 days..then i stop taking suboxone,does methadone withdrawal will come back?

Posted by: almosthome June 19, 2015, 7:51 PM
I can only hazard a guess, but methadone takes a fairly long while to get out of your system, so unless you are on sub. only for a long while (until the methadone is out of your body) then yes I would say the methadone withdrawal would just kick straight back in. No getting around it.

I hope that helps. I'm pretty sure it's close to the truth anyway. it's taken me nearly 3 weeks to really start shaking off the misery so yeah. Good luck to you. As in like, almighty strength and determination to get where you want to be.

Posted by: LoL June 19, 2015, 8:14 PM
3 weeks?wow..that pretty long,anyway thank for t
he info..

I got 1 more question,if i fill 30ml pure water into 10mg liquid methadone,how many mg it has become?im on mix 10mg methadone with 30ml water for 7days now..(hope u understand,my english is f*cking bad) loll

Posted by: almosthome June 19, 2015, 8:18 PM
your English is fine with me. well it's the same amount as before just more diluted. It only becomes less if you split the dose in half or thirds or something. Is that what you meant?

Posted by: almosthome June 19, 2015, 8:18 PM
it is still 10mg no matter what you add to it

Posted by: LoL June 19, 2015, 8:30 PM
Ohh i see..i thought it will become 5mg..thanks again.. :)

Posted by: almosthome June 19, 2015, 8:37 PM
any time.

Posted by: almosthome June 19, 2015, 8:44 PM
the man in me Bob Dylan. Man. Whoever the woman was that he was singing about, he really treasured her. That's it, I'm getting the chords and learning it. I'm gonna sing it for my wife *wink* hahaha. I'm mean lalala (it's in the song)

Posted by: marykat80 June 19, 2015, 9:45 PM
That's awesome, I'm glad that I've said things to help even mildly or temporarily, cause going through this is no joke! And I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. Spent time with your mom and all. That is one thing I appreciate so much more now, my friendships /relationships with people.Not that I didn't before but I seem to value them more, go out of my way to contact people more, can't really explain it any other way then that. That's funny Bob Dylan, last week my boyfriend was playing guitar and I was singing. He was making fun of me telling me I was singing like dylan, my sister
walks past us and says 'um I'm pretty sure neither of you sound like Bob Dylan'
totally bashing my vocal ability! Ha

Posted by: almosthome June 20, 2015, 12:07 AM
I know what you mean wi the people thing. haha that's excellent, I'm now totally curious to hear Dylan's husky rambling style done in a female voice. za mahn oh zabba doo, nee pon samma tow hahaha

Posted by: almosthome June 20, 2015, 2:53 AM
bah tabba semma nah, sippa tone hep mi now, azza bahn mo tahm to dah, happy tahm semma now, I'm onna rahd inna meppa tay..... dammit, it's turning into pootie tang...

Posted by: almosthome June 20, 2015, 12:44 PM
Ok so it's 2am, I'm a day shy of 3 weeks. All the wd's I was having are now all the way down to just a mild unpleasantness. I am struggling with not being able to sleep for long when I get tired, and not being able to sustain much physical activity when I'm not, but that also tells me that I AM getting my energy back, I'm just still held back by my body trying hard to detox and readjust to life without the chemical crutch.

So I am getting back to thinking about how I am going to stay clean. Right now, that side of things is smooth sailing. I have no cravings, and the idea of taking anything that will hinder my progress is repellant. What I am feeling is a real desire to be healthy. As in having energy to be productive and do the things I want to do, and to get a full nights sleep. So obviously my focus right now is on getting clean and healthy.

However, If I don't keep my eyes open, than can quickly and subtly turn into, how can I get energy to do stuff? and how can I get a good nights sleep. When I start thinking like that, I'm not thinking about my health anymore. I'm thinking about relief and short term gain. THATS the danger. I think we all know how intelligently and cunningly our own minds can start to turn our convictions around. To the point where, eventually, it makes so much sense to take drugs/meds, that it would be stupid and illogical not to. That part of my brain has an answer for everything.

So yeah. I am still on guard, big time. But also very aware that guards can get complacent and fall asleep sometimes. I'm not trying to work out the answers right now. I have a ton of info, suggestions, techniques and ideas. I'm just trying to turn it over in my mind and figure out how to keep wanting to use all that good knowledge when my body/mind is screaming for an immediate solution. Anyway feeling better and stronger all the time.

Posted by: almosthome June 20, 2015, 12:48 PM
I just want this to be forever, but the last time I said never again, it only made me want it more. So, feeling like it IS forever this time, but tentative about challenging my addictive side to a battle of wills and wiles.

Posted by: almosthome June 20, 2015, 12:50 PM
oogum boogum oogum boogum oogum now baby your casting your spell on me.

Posted by: marykat80 June 20, 2015, 1:38 PM
'Watch the things you dooo' yes keep listening to good music! Anyway you are acknowledging everything& you don't have cravings so that's nothing but good. Try not to compare last time with this time. Look at the differences: you said you had it hell of a lot easier last time round, which I think makes easier for people to go back, though I guess could be the opposite too, just depends on person. You've made it this far, you know you don't want to go back. said something about looking at it as forever. Does that make it more difficult? AA/Na 'one day at a time saying' personally I didn't look at it like that I told myself I was done for good!! Though you better believe I kept track of days, with writing a little calender to keep track. Would get confused after stopped using calander, just write number of days on random papers&get frustrated and look back at calander and count from beginning again. maybe I was subconsciously doing day by day, but really think it was me being obsessive on knowing how many days time went by. 3 weeks is good, at the same time 3 weeks probably feels like much longer. Sleep gonna take awhile, each time you start getting a little more sleep you will appreciate even if just half hour more. Your focusing wanting to be healthy.I got so fixated, probably more obsessed with food,vitamins,herbal supplements at one point. Instead of a pharmacy I became a mini health shop and probably drove everyone crazy talking about it! But hey not worst thing to get fixated on right? Anyway from everything you've posted I can tell you want this now, sure you did before too, but maybe this time round your eyes are more open through experience so far, that's what I think I can tell anyway.

Posted by: almosthome June 20, 2015, 2:35 PM
Maybe I knew it was coming. But it's 4am and someone came over high. And there it was, the first question that popped into my head was, s*** I can take that. That wouldnt hurt me. Just a little bit. I should ask if they have any left. As soon as I Realised what my head was doing, I had a wave of fear and disappointment wash over me.

I never asked if they had any for me, and the moment/interaction passed. But here I am sitting in the dark, watching AFL, quietly seething with rage. It's ok, I've been here before many times. It's a part of me and I can handle it. I'm not even upset AT anyone. But yeah, sometimes it's a choice with me. I either let myself soften and cry my eyes out, or I go cold and I rage. It's a bit of a roller coaster.

I kind of had to learn how to handle the Agro in me over the years. Like if I were to act on it now and try to express it, I would have to destroy something/someone. If I try to ignore it or make it go away, it becomes unpredictable. I don't want to do that, I don't want to go there, but once it wakes up in me it takes awhile to bed it back down. So, I remove myself from anyone who has the potential to make me snap, and I sit and I rage. I'm not even depressed. It's just there. And like everYthing, it will pass. Again I'm not looking for answers. Im just getting s*** off my chest.
Sve dobro!

Posted by: almosthome June 20, 2015, 2:43 PM
I was still typing when your last post came through. Yeah you hit it all on the head again. I could go through everything you said, but basically it was all on the money. I don't know if it makes it harder or not but that's why I'm not gonna march around telling myself and anyone who will listen that I'm done forever. Not because I doubt it, but because it makes me want to rebel against it.

So I will try to just know that I am done but not provoke anything. My addiction is like a crazy man with a gun in the next room. Don't wanna say the wrong thing and set him off.

Posted by: marykat80 June 20, 2015, 3:26 PM
Ok so be proud of yourself that you didn't cave. Temptations are always going to be there, especially if people are around with or on those temptation. I honestly was more worried about giving in to something else. After I quit I sold methadone to one person for a long time,dumb choice but didn't phase me. When my friend came over with his water bottle full of vodka, took a big swig of that. Left at that though fortunately. I just wanted to feel calm when I was going through monster mood swings. Alcohol seemed to tempt me more and I used to drink a lot and I know I can't. Weird thing when I was going through stuff moving, I found a bag with 4 Percocet. My heart was racing away and I was affected by it even though was still selling methadone and norcos I got filled for teeth. I think because I wasn't expecting to find them, I don't know. Triggers are strange, knowing what they are I guess is best. I'm still trying to learn to deal with anger,it's hard I don't think I was like that before pills, had a tempor no doubt, but not like this. Keep your head up man.

Posted by: marykat80 June 20, 2015, 3:54 PM
Just remembered something actually. When I was going through it and got super bothered by something. Guy I was with at time would get really bad migraines. He usually took codeine I believe for them. He got one and had nothing asked for a done. He hadn't ever taken any strong opiate. Gave him a small dose and watched him go from feeling like sh** to super smiley. It HIGHLY irradiated me to say least. I didn't want him in pain but seeing him high off it I'm sure while I was suffering sucked!!! Just remembered that, thought I'd add. Again my dumbass fault for still having some in house!

Posted by: almosthome June 20, 2015, 4:33 PM
Maybe when you found that bag, it put back in that old headspace just for sec and freaked you out. Yeah the booze too. My family sends me home made rakija (plum brandy) so I always have litres of it around the house. I mean I never was hooked on it, but when I was younger I used to drink and fight or black out and trash phone boxes or cars whatever. I mean I don't do that anymore, I rarely drink, but over the years there have been times when I was really flipping out, and I would just start smashing down shots (it's about 70-80%) Until I went crazy. The last time it happened I was apparently calm and drinking one second, then all of a sudden I started smashing the bottle and shot glass with my fists until they smashed, and just kept going. Bandaged hands n' stitches for weeks blah blah.

God, I sound like a total psycho. But anyway, when I'm not handling stuff it's like, anything to get me out of the place I am in. Even if it's worse! just get me out of here! bloody Fast slow trippy lovey crazy Agro anything. So when you say it's more about other things, yeah absolutely. I can stay off opiates but what about everything else? The stuff I never had a problem with is most dangerous for me coz in my mind I'm saying what's the harm? But the harm is probly worse when you're doing anything everything else.

Anyway, I'm calmer than I was back then but it's still there. Swimming around in my head/chest like a shark looking for something to feed on, never staying still.

Posted by: almosthome June 20, 2015, 5:12 PM
7am, You know what? please tell me if you catch me bulls***ting, anyone, everyone, but, the way you're supposed to drink it (rakija) is like, a small shot in the morning to warm up before breakfast and tease your appetite, just sipping. And then maybe one before or after dinner. Could be medicinal. I dunno, I might just have one and see. if my eyes go wide and I start REALLY enjoying it, I will just put it away.

Posted by: almosthome June 20, 2015, 6:06 PM
the first sip made my body tingle all over but after that it was nothin to write home about.

Posted by: marykat80 June 20, 2015, 10:31 PM
Yeah that's how it was when took a swig off that vodka, super calming, like I had taken super strong xanex something that worked. My friend during that time kept trying to get me to drink wine, I didn't because even though hadn't had drink since right after my son was born it's all bad for me!!! Yeah mostly when I was younger but once I started I wouldn't stop til Sun was up, getting into dangerous situations doing stupid sh**/ resulting in being hospitalized. So yeah not trying to test waters after all these years. I try to watch my slang as maybe it wouldn't be understood, you using words aggro, that was used a lot back in the day! Usually after someone had drank too much, which was al the time pretty much. I look at myself like this: I'm an alcoholic/addict and from my past I may have refrained from one substance while using another. Once I quit that other it would quickly become something else which just let to another problem....and so on and so on.

Posted by: almosthome June 21, 2015, 12:49 AM
So its basically not the drugs n' stuff for either of us. It's the dissatisfaction inside that keeps searching for something, some change, something different, something better. I guess we've just been looking in the wrong places, trying to take shortcuts.

I don't reckon there is anything wrong with that. we just gotta start looking in the right places and recognising when something is not good for us. I dunno I'm gonna keep searching, but try to remember that the drug thing is not the way. Why should I settle for less?

I'm content on the family side. Awesome kids, beautiful wife, loving and supportive mum, sisters grandparents. But I'm not gonna hammer myself for wanting more. Unless I keep trying to get it from the wrong place, never learning my lesson.

That's my thinking anyway. I have to ask myself though. You talk the talk, but do you walk the walk?

P.S. your slang is all familiar to me, but your stories are like mirrors.

Posted by: almosthome June 21, 2015, 8:56 AM
I feel like music is doing a lot of the hard emotional work for me right now.

Posted by: marykat80 June 21, 2015, 12:11 PM
Hmm that first paragraph got me thinking. Maybe that is true, hearing my mom tell me in past, 'your unhappy etc' no I'm OK. looking back there were DEFINITELY times I wasn't. I look back& see myself that I was a functioning addict, to a point. Even the period of time when I was blacking out getting wasted I rarely was hungover. I always was able to keep a job, maybe that's why alcohol was a bad combo with me...cause didn't much phase me the next day. Unless I ended up unintentionally hours away after getting fuct up, I would usually show up. I was fortunate that I wasn't dependent on pills when I found out I was pregnant. Habit/addicted yes but not dependent, so was able to put down once I found out. I look back and wonder why I picked it up again after he was born, well regardless I did. Even though it got bad, once I felt stabilized on methadone I feel like I stopped chasing a high. Just got complacent where I was at, and that's kinda where I'm at now, just complacent but almost in a worse way, cause I think to myself what the hell am i doing with my life? I need to find or refind my motivation cause yeah if i dont thats definitely what will set me backward. When the whole point of getting off methadone was to move forward. Ugh I don't know, you got me thinking though.....

Posted by: almosthome June 21, 2015, 5:07 PM
Yeah you got me thinking too...

Posted by: almosthome June 21, 2015, 7:38 PM
yeah, getting off the methadone is not gonna be enough after awhile. I mean sure, you have to give yourself credit for getting through something difficult, and you have to take it easy on yourself sometimes. But if I don't DO something... more then I will be in the same old place.

I never chose a clear path or career or anything. I mean I got the grades, I could have gone to uni, but if you don't know where you want to go, how do you know which road to take? Not sure. I guess I will go.... that way? So all I had/have is a feeling that there IS something for me beyond the usual stuff like family and rent and food. But without knowing what it is, I end up sort of going in circles trying to work out what I want. After a while you go nuts.

People used to tell me I was a talented musician and that I should do something with it. But. I dunno, I love playing and singing, and I like the attention, but I never was comfortable getting paid for it, unless it's busking on the street. That's fun, and people can take it or leave it. Or blackboard nights where anyone can play. It's so different when you charge someone to play music for them. So that's more of just a hobby for me.

And after awhile, slugging it out as a two bit labourer just doesn't do it for me. Don't get me wrong, I was raised to work hard, earn your keep, and take care of your loved ones. And I love physical work. It's good for the soul. But again, I want something more! Isn't that normal? aren't we SUPPOSED to try to be the best we can be?

But that's where I get caught out. I search and search and try different things, and then eventually, I'm so hungry for that inspired, satisfied feeling that I will get it wherever I can. And that's what drugs do to me. They make you feel like everything is where it should be. Everything is perfect and I feel great, so it must be good right? Well. No.

They show you what it WOULD feel like if you had it all worked out. Health, family, work, LIFE.
Maybe only certain people are supposed to use drugs like, one time so they can share the insight or knowledge with everybody else. If I learned anything about drugs, it's that you are definately not supposed to keep taking them over and over. If you do end up having them, you're supposed to go. AHA that's what I'm supposed be like. How do I achieve that? ok I gotta get healthy, and start helping people, or fighting the government, or getting naked and painting self portraits!

Whatever it is your supposed to be doing it's not drugs n' stuff. I mean leave that crap behind, but don't ever let go of wanting more out of life. It's what we're here for right?
Thats what I reckon anyway. I'm just trying to get my head on straight.

Posted by: marykat80 June 21, 2015, 9:03 PM
Maybe that's our problem: thinking too much! I totally respect the whole making music&not making $ off it. On the other hand if your doing something you love and can, I would do it. Though I wouldn't be comfortable charging crazy price, so again no money. Didn't you mention something bout doing tattoos? Ok so far as giving yourself some credit for kicking, it's more then just credit. It's willpower strength and the hardest thing I had to begin even thinking about. So I give you more then just credit. I do know what your saying about life. That's where I feel stuck. I never chose a career etc and always worked jobs to make ends meet. I've been unemployed for almost a year now, and I always worked. I feel like I'm going through a mid life crisis, wanting to do all these things I'm not qualified for and yes exactly something meaningful. I don't want to settle for making coffee anymore or anything like that. I feel like a little kid saying I'm going to be an astronaut or Spiderman, but I'm 34 and realizing these dreams should have started long ago, but that's when I didn't care. So yeah now it's just a dream! Ok starting to sound pretty negative...I don't know... good things can happen but we have to make them happen.

Posted by: hey June 21, 2015, 11:15 PM
guys,can i switch to suboxone after 48hours off methadone ?

Posted by: marykat80 June 21, 2015, 11:34 PM
Hey, I wouldn't recommend, you MIGHT be ok, but could put you into full blown w/d you know? I can't remember what doctors say look it up. At 48 hrs you will feel bad but not horrible, my advice to hold out bit longer. Good luck!

Posted by: hey June 22, 2015, 12:25 AM
thnx for reply marykat

if u dont recommend,i wont take it..i'll try to wait a little longer..


Posted by: almosthome June 22, 2015, 1:17 AM
I was told you have to already be in withdrawal, before starting suboxone otherwise as Marykat said you go into withdrawal hard. All I know is that methadone stays in your system for a long time

Posted by: almosthome June 22, 2015, 1:26 AM
I don't necessarily mind making money off it, it's more the weird dynamic that happens. They pay you, and you get up on stage under the lights and basically say 'look at me'. I much prefer to just play and people can listen if they want and fling a coin if they want, or not.

You are right about over thinking things. I guess I can't help it right now. Still super tired but super restless. Like somebody hypnotised you to drive your car but took all your petrol. So I'm kind of going around in my head. Im thinking pretty clear at the moment but yeah overdoing it will make it warp out of shape.

It's all fine and good until someone loses an eye. Not sure why I wrote that.

Posted by: almosthome June 22, 2015, 3:35 AM
I just read that if I want to feel better sooner, I need to sunbathe, lift weights and make luurve. That will not be a problem hahaha

Posted by: marykat80 June 22, 2015, 3:51 AM
Haha....sunbathe? Wtf well gettin Sun I guess. Yeah in that third department took me awhile to get back. When all I heard was 'oh it's so great to have sex drive again' I was pissssed, thinking where's that one perk everyone else is getting while feeling like s***? I don't get that? Really? What was other oh weights. Yeah I did a lot of pull ups/push ups, not early on though just massive walking. Then again hand/arm in soft cast for almost 3 monthes. Oh yeah i wanted to rephrase what I said bout thinking too much. I know I do, but you have every reason to right now. If you didn't you would be some sort of freak of nature definitely. It's part of the process.

Posted by: almosthome June 22, 2015, 6:17 AM
what are you laughing at? sunbathe, bathe in sun. Dammit, it does sound weird. Thanks a lot! hahaha. Anyway, that's terrible, everyone talking about what a party it is getting back in step, and your body is sitting in the corner, arms folded saying, 'no, I don't want to, you can't make me'. oh well.

I'm all instinct and heart right now. It's a good place to be. As long as I can shake off the anxiety and agitation.

Posted by: marykat80 June 22, 2015, 12:19 PM
Yeah that's what I was laughing at. Though have done much weirder things, and isn't that what "normal people"do? I don't know either way had someone suggested that to me I would've grabbed a bottle water&music and tried in heartbeat! Would have been much less scary to the neighbors, instead they got to see me crazy hair/eyed, bright blue bathrobe rocking/swaying back&forth on porch digging through box of Who knows what. And who knows what else. Man for a minute there I should NOT have been allowed outside! Ha, and so glad that bathrobe is gone! Yuck I don't even like thinking about it!!! Eh weird memories...anyway yeah anxiety and agitation lasted longest for me, I don't know I would use word agitation, too mild. Do you experiment with herbal supplements at all? Your day 20something now yeah?

Posted by: almosthome June 22, 2015, 2:37 PM
yeah 3 weeks yesterday. I haven't done much in the way of supplements. My mum has been pushing them but I kind of wanted to get through the worst of it first. See where I find my body at, and then build it back up from there.

Agitation is definately the milder end of the spectrum. Last night I started nearly tearing my hair out after watching one too many stupid ads waiting for the show I was watching to come back on. Threatening the TV and all that. And yeah, legs always hammering away, rocking back and forward. That's when it's mild. But I have to laugh at myself.

The whole thing is ridiculous. Necessary. but ridiculous. I'm doing good with it, but every now and then I have a little freak out and start asking why, and how can it be? wtf is wrong with me blah blah. But mostly I'm holding it down pretty good.

The evil blue bathrobe of sin. Your crazy person suit. I can only imagine. Police receiving reports of a crazed female with wild hair and a blue robe chewing on people's mail boxes and head butting parked cars hahaha

Posted by: marykat80 June 22, 2015, 3:18 PM
Oh sh**! You got me cracking up with the bathrobe thing!!! Almost to hysterics, my kid probably thinks I'm nuts, well sure he's been aware of that. That was way too funny though. Totally forgot about t.v. thing. I didn't have t.v just movies, I remember watching this one music video, vhs & before it started the screen was black. I would watch it over&over and had ZERO patience for it to start! Sometimes I would think it was broken and wasn't going to start, even though I'd watched sooo many times the black screen was taking too long it had to be broke, ha. Had completely forgotten about that.

Posted by: almosthome June 22, 2015, 4:47 PM
hahaha, you know exactly what's going on, you just can't handle it. f*** THIS, come on GO, PLAY. hahaha that's gold. At the moment I wait for the person in the ad to say something welcoming or accomodating like 'get more from your day, with sentrum' and then I yell f*** YOU! at the TV, I can't not do it sometimes haha oh well.

Yeah my crazy suit is a black Yugo hoodie, with the big Y logo on the front. Out in the yard chopping wood and sneezing like a machine gun yelling f*** whenever there is a gap, head zapping around like the lead singer of pantera. I live in a sort of hippie commune too, so Real gentle neighbours hahaha.

Posted by: almosthome June 22, 2015, 4:49 PM

Posted by: hey June 22, 2015, 10:37 PM
guys,its been 62hours im not taking methadone,i dont feel withdrawal anymore,yesterday i feel leg cramp,runny nose,sneezing,yawn,but today i dont feel all of those,all gone,weird,maybe because of my low dose,and i take herbs..i feel great today..

Posted by: almosthome June 22, 2015, 10:39 PM
wow, I'm on 22 days and still going through bouts of mild withdrawals (paws). I think I hate you... kidding. what herbs?

Posted by: almosthome June 22, 2015, 10:41 PM
Oh and Marykat I posted on the bottom of the last page too. Bloody thing! (so Australian haha)

Posted by: marykat80 June 22, 2015, 10:47 PM
Yeah you can't be going crazy without dressing and looking the part! You better believe I did to max, totally oblivious of course. Me and my friend that was staying with me walked to food bank. Not thinking how we were going to carry sh** home, so we're striking it, him with backpack all this food, remember my hand is broke,cast almost to elbow. I find a baby stroller, yes!! Now it's loaded with food. But it's broken, um probably why we found it! Anyway here I am t-shirt, ripped up brown fishnets denim shorts broken hand PULLING this stroller of food behind me. haha I can laugh now but yeah crazy times. Our poor neighbors!! Haha I was close to one and recently went to visit her, walked past OTHER neighbors house as he was parking on street, I waved and he looked startled and bumped the trash can. He probably through 'oh no she's back!' Haha thats all bad. They would smile&be nice to us, maybe out of fear, or maybe I'm just over thinking it, either way it was fuc*** nuthouse through that time! Anyway I'm rammbling, some their music but never been huge fan. You know d.r.i at all?

Posted by: hey June 22, 2015, 10:51 PM
im using gamolex gold,its product from my country,u can search it on google,its have many herb mix,rosalle,cranberries,zaffaron and many more,im using it about 2weeks ago before im off methadone till now..i dont know its because of my low dose or the herbs

Posted by: marykat80 June 22, 2015, 10:52 PM
Sorry was typing probably when you posted that. Day 22 you are not dealing with PAWS. A lot of people think they are super early on and its not. When I hit it I had never even heard of paws until I researched how I was feeling. Herbal right now would be good thing though. What I would recommend is 5-htp. It converts to serotonin and then to melatonin and has tryptophan in it. I took daily when I was where your at. Calming effects

Posted by: hey June 22, 2015, 11:19 PM
Maybe the leg cramp all gone but i think im dealing with insomia next..

Posted by: almosthome June 22, 2015, 11:25 PM
oh my god D.R.I? I saw them in Serbia! and got photos with them and everything. It's like a special memory for me. There I was in the middle of the Balkans and there they were! Krusevac was the town. I never listened to them much but they were mad that night. I do love good old punk, like the exploited n' stuff though.

tell me a couple songs and I'll check em out. Hahaaa your neighbours. They must have been at least nervous, I would have been haha. busted arm, fishnets and a pram, cussing and tweaking hahaha ohhh stop it.

Anyway the herbs. Yeah I'm gonna ask around about some of that stuff and get on it I reckon. Thanks both of you. I read about that 5ht like yesterday, so maybe it's meant to be.

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 12:15 AM

f*** the SPG!
best exploited song ever

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 1:03 AM
Yes d.r.I ! I'm jealous you got photos with them, yeah they ALWAYS put on a good show. Songs acid rain, beneath the wheel and slayer covers violent pacification..I love all there stuff. Yeah I could tell by few you mentioned that you listen to a variety of music. That's somewhat but not totally rare you know? Anyway 5htp I don't think is a maybe meant to be I think it is! My friend had thrown a bottle at me his g/f had given him for depression. I started taking neither of us knew was good for opiate w/d. So was no placebo effect cause I knew nothing about it, and started feeling better. Trying to was at least 16 days off I started taking, yeah around that. I took others later on but more uppity effect which you probably don't want until you get your sleep in check. But yeah do your homework there's others for sure, I only took 3 different kinds. So what are you feeling? That makes you think paws symptoms. Explain

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 2:58 AM
I love slayer, all their old stuff, I used to be bit of a metal head, Mr freeze is good, I don't know who played it originally. But yeah I put them on. That's good s***, especially beneath the wheel. I was kind of moping, but that song made me want to bash everyone in the video clip. In a good way. Well, good for me anyway. Yeah in Serbia it was only about halfway through the first song and 6 or 7 guys all started freaking out and smashing up the place. I was with my cousins so on my best behaviour, but one guy I didn't like much got the worst of it. It was excellent. DRI got him f***ed up!

With the paws thing, I know its early days but I can just tell by how I feel, what its gonna be like in the long run. Just feel low and flat, no energy. I'm trying to do all the right things and keep my mind happy and all that but so much of the time it takes such a big effort or I have to sort of force it. One trick I do is, I will put on a couple songs that will make me want to rip my house apart (beneath the wheel now) and then gradually play stuff that more just pumps you up or makes you want to dance.

It just takes such an effort to get me off my a** right now. And as the withdrawals have gotten less and less, that whole thing has sort of taken over. So yeah, I reckon I will do myself a favour and try some 5tsg45 and a couple other ones and hopefully help get the chems in my brain working right. Eventually anyway.

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 6:38 AM
I just know a lot of its in my head coz I can manipulate myself into feeling better. So I either have to use ninja/jedi s*** to come out of it or I stay in it all day long.

I don't think it should be that hard to get up, or get down or, whatever. I dunno, I'm not exactly well versed in the long term effects of opiates. Just the basic stuff like, the nasty cold turkey symptoms. And one or two other things like, when you get past that you have more energy, but if you don't use it you self destruct sort of, you eat more, f*** like its the Olympics, music blah blah.

But last time I got off opiates, I was on fire for awhile until I just kind of wasn't. And I thought that it was just me being depressed or something wrong wi me, the past catching up or whatever. But apparently there is long term s*** that happens. I'm sort of swinging between feeling alive and strong, and feeling weak and powerless.

I dunno I'm probably wrong. I just don't want to struggle along for two years trying to get human again. I need to push something or get some f***en control or I will break something. Myself probably. Feeling like a broken record right now. I'm alright. I'll just do weird creative s*** everyday so I don't feel like I'm fading out. I love my kids. f*** it.

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 7:14 AM
Some aboriginal reggae for you seppo's

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 7:17 AM

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 2:05 PM
Dull and flat? Like bored? Far as being difficult to get up and do stuff, your body still going through massive changes you know. For me I was still a spun out nut job at 3 weeks, least a month actually. I had energy but it was a weird fake energy. I could talk anyone's ear off, oh sh** I still do that. No but really, that walk, sit on my a** going through music jewelry whatever. But nothing productive, but at time my brain didn't care about that. If that makes any sense. How are you emotionally far as symptoms depression or getting angry? I know you mentioned angry , but how intense is it? Btw how do you post YouTube links? Der I'm so technology challenged!

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 2:58 PM
With the YouTube thing, in the top right of the clip there is a plus sign, a sort of sideways v and 3 dots. You hit the sideways v and then copy link, then you just paste it wherever in messages n' stuff.

I wouldn't say I'm bored, I've got plenty to do and I do it. All. it's when no matter what you do, you get nothing out of it, and you sort of feel like everything is a waste of time. I guess I start to get depressed but I run from that s*** like the plague. I try to sort of channel it into aggression or yeah anger. Anything but poor me, gun to the head you know?

I mean obviously I will have a good winge, but I try real hard not to stay in that frame of mind. As in, 'I feel bad, I don't like this, why is this happening'. It always turns into 'f*** this! f*** you!'
So it at least I'm fighting it instead of laying on the ground while it does the boot dance on my head.

Its just never been this hard to shake it off. Your not meant to have to fight your way out of the negative 20 times a day. Some of it is emotional, but I can handle my emotions. I play sad songs on my guitar that remind me of people/things and end up crying to myself and that's ok, sometimes coz it's gotta come out. I dunno, I dunno.

The withdrawals are sorted now. Still plenty of symptoms but no worries there. I mean Im crawling up the walls of my mind and s*** half the time, but I'm a Daddy, so I either nail it down or get somewhere alone and f***en freak out until I come good. It's good. I just reckon if my brain worked better it wouldn't be so hard. It's all white knuckles on the steering wheel at this point but, It's ok. I can hold it.

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 5:00 PM
Sometimes you have to flip it. For example, no matter when I manage to pass out, I always wake up at 3am, BUT, I get to have some alone time and I get to watch the sun come up.

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 5:09 PM
Hey, crying is better then raging. And if your able to shake the depressive feelings off and turn them into something else that's good. I feel like I know/relate to a lot of what you're feeling but some of it not until way later on. So what I think is that's a good sign, meaning maybe your getting this sh** out sooner then later. Does that make sense? Like maybe your brain healing quicker. (Even though may not feel that way) yeah what you said before about the long term waiting it out to feel normal sucks. Try not to look that far ahead. I don't think I did and everything slapped me upside head at once or at different times over long period of time. BUT doesn't happen for everyone like that, hopefully your included in one of those ' everyones' I'll have to mess around with YouTube later, thanks. Oh yeah how is sleep at this point? You doing it natural for most part?

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 5:11 PM
Morning sun- the beautiful girls

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 5:11 PM
Oh just saw 3am thing. So you wake at that time always and stay up?

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 5:14 PM
yeah every day. it's good. If I sleep the morning away I feel like I'm in slow motion.

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 5:17 PM
How many hours average? So if you got to sleep earlier you can get more then

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 5:17 PM
And yeah I only took the benzos like 4 times, but not for days now. I chucked the rest. Yeah that sounds good. Maybe I'm moving faster than normal in some ways.

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 5:18 PM
I got 6 the other night! but usually it's 2-3

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 5:19 PM
yeah nah if I'm out at 11:30 it's a bonus usually midnight or after

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 5:21 PM
Posted something on page before,don't know if you read or worth reading. But it's there. Ha

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 5:24 PM
Ok so still in that 3 or so hour range. Yeah maybe 5htp at night. I took during day but nothing was gonna bring my hyper weird mania or whatever down at that point, maybe for you early evening

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 5:28 PM
Oh you did read, I think you are...well least comparison to me. I will try to remember when I started ranging 6, wanna say just over month off. Seemed earlier I went to bed the more likely, was difficult cause always been a night owl.

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 6:02 PM
Nah if I try to go to bed before I'm really really tired, sleep doesn't come and I end up feeling lethargic and frustrated. And yeah I'm a night owl too. I really love that alone time.

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 6:47 PM

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 6:50 PM
Hope that worked took me DAYS to figure out& I don't even know if it's what I meant time post. Yeah makes sense bout sleeping thing, can't force it (unfortunately right)

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 7:50 PM
I love the voice that comes out of him once he starts singing. Yeah I like stuff like that. Guys that sing out all their warmth and pain.

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 7:53 PM

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 8:24 PM
Never heard him. I like, guitar, vocals everything. You like tom waits?

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 8:34 PM
ooo, well, I thinks he's is super smooth and cool and I love his voice but something about a lot of songs, makes you so low you slash your ankles instead of your wrists.
Yeah that xavier Rudd song GBA. I love how he says, I'm doin fine , but then let's out this sort of mmmmhhh like he's raging inside but keeping it together.

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 8:35 PM
I'm willing to give waits another chance. You haven't let me down so far. So tell me a couple.

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 8:36 PM
speaking of sad ones what about Leonard Cohen (is that how you spell it?) The Stranger

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 8:41 PM
The Stranger song. Really applies for us ex- rat bags

Posted by: hey June 23, 2015, 9:20 PM
hey guys,i think the herbs i take really help my cramp leg..but not for i take 1mg suboxone for sleep last night..after i take suboxone im really sleepy..i sleep well last night maybe 7-8hours..

i think i want to take suboxone for 4 or 5 days for sleep only,after i stop suboxone,i take tramadol for sleep for another 4 or 5 days.. this is my plan..what do you guys think?can i do like this?

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 9:24 PM
You can do whatever you Set out to do, it's just a matter of how difficult or how long it takes. Any opiate or synthetic opiate will only delay the withdrawals. But if you are bringing your dose down slowly, that should make it easier for when you do stop taking it. But yeah the withdrawals won't really start until you stop opiates completely.

Posted by: hey June 23, 2015, 9:42 PM
man thats sound scary,i dont know what medecine i can take for sleep lol..if u say so,i think i'll try non opiate medecine..but i dont know what medecine really help my

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 10:13 PM
Hey hey, are you under doctors supervision? Cause chances are your blood pressure spikes and you can take a blood pressure med. Clonidine/catapress? Help with alcohol and opiate w/d. Helps nerves&sleep. Yes you can do this!

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 10:17 PM
Yeah I think you spelled right. Gonna listen to later don't think I know it. And tom waits yeah usually people love or hAte him. Yes he can have that super depressing affect but I think he can give just the opposite, wish I knew what you heard. Later I will post some songs

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 10:27 PM
Before I forget wanted to post this. I have video of him playing it but YouTube doesn't and I don't know how to upload. Ugh not working, lemme try again

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 10:29 PM

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 10:45 PM
know your enemy!

Posted by: almosthome June 23, 2015, 10:49 PM
I never heard that guy before. Beautiful and tragic. I was singing along by the end of it.

Posted by: hey June 23, 2015, 10:57 PM
no im not under doc supervision..i think my doc dont have knowledge about methadone addiction..i talk to him i want to stop methadone,he gave me tramadol for methadone withdrawal,i ask him how longer u have to wait before u take tramadol..he said after stop methadone u can take it..i dont know if i can trust him,because tramadol is opiod,so u have to wait 72 hours then u can take it..

ok i will try clonidine,how long do i have to take it?does clonidine cause withdrawal too?

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 10:58 PM
Aw, man wish you could see the video he does very little acoustic, but like the accoustic he does. Mainly all his music was beyond vulgar, one the most controversial musicians/punk/rock n roll whatever you wanna call it. Get naked, bloody on on stage fights yeah that's all I can think of to sum him up.

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 11:02 PM

Posted by: hey June 23, 2015, 11:11 PM
sorry for my english guys,my english sucks,but i really need your help

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 11:29 PM
Hey hey, no your English fine. Ok so here's the real deal with tramadol: there is so much conflicting information on whether it's an opiate or synthetic. I don't think it's either. That's my opinion, read up about it if your concerned. Ok so yeah a lot of doctors don't seem to know much, ask for clonidine, as far as w/d from that I don't know, I still take to this day, only real danger is if you have low blood or super high and suddenly stop taking it.

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2015, 11:38 PM
Just listened to the stranger. Depressing but good.

Posted by: hey June 24, 2015, 12:09 AM
Thank marykat for helping me,i will try clonidine..thanks

Posted by: almosthome June 24, 2015, 1:09 AM
I had to look him up after that. Crazy f***er. It's so much harder to deal with the acoustic stuff.

Posted by: marykat80 June 24, 2015, 1:39 AM
Yeah he was. Harder to deal with accoustic stuff how? More emotional? Dude we are starting to to turn this into a music forum or something haha

Posted by: almosthome June 24, 2015, 2:20 AM
hahaha I know. Yeah coz when he's on stage doing his thing, he's just tearing it up and being filthy and lovin it. But the acoustic stuff is like the savages lament or something. It's all fun and games when your out being a ratbag, but here we are in the aftermath looking everybody in the eyes you know?

I like it anyway. Tough day today, wife and kids all arguing amongst themselves. I usually get into it with them, or play ref. but today I couldn't do it. Gotta see my doctor tomorrow. She kind of forced the appointment. I think she want to make sure I'm not dying or doing drugs or whatever. She was so stunned when I said I was bustin outta shawshank. But she's a lovely lady and she actually cares what happens to me so yeah.

Posted by: almosthome June 24, 2015, 10:26 AM
here we go round the mulberry bush. So I had an early night, around 10pm. And here I am 2 hours later, wide awake again. I would say that it's driving me nuts but I'm a bit tired so I'll just say that it's driving me.... annoyed? haha oh well. It's driving me somewhere.

It's like being in the back of a really uncomfortable car, and the guy who's driving is going really slow, it's really hot and he's got the windows locked and smoking real bad cigars. You ask him to wind the windows down or stop for food or a sleep and he just keeps telling you to shut up. So you try to sleep in the back seat but no joy. In the end you sort of try to to handle it but you can't resist asking, are we there yet? over and over, to which he replies, shut up. Hahaha I would like to kill that guy, but I thinks he's me.

Posted by: marykat80 June 24, 2015, 1:12 PM
Aw, well put on both posts, one about gg & the sleep thing even though it's torture. Have you gone to doctors yet, I'm little confused about time difference I think you guys 3 hours ahead? My dad was out there bout 6 months ago& think that's what I remember. Anyway doctors, so wait your wife was shocked when you said, ok I'm done! That what you meant? There was a period of time after I quit where I ALWAYS wanted to go to the doctors, I became that crazy lady who constantly thought something was wrong with me. I'd be researching stuff, look at my boyfriend and say 'yup THIS is what I have!' Then 20min later or the next day it would be something else entirely. Still a bit of a hypochondriac, but don't miss that at all!

Posted by: almosthome June 24, 2015, 4:06 PM
Ok so it's 6am here and I believe it's 1pm there. I'm not sure if it goes forwards or backwards or whatever. And I was talking about my doctor. She was really surprised and then just worried. She has been really good to me. And yes she is lovely and kind. My wife is a whole other ballgame. She is like a rainbow coloured hand grenade. Small, beautiful and a whole world of trouble if you pull the pin hahahaha I love her.

I've been watching joey coco Diaz clips. I love the way he talks. Right from the heart sometimes.

Posted by: marykat80 June 24, 2015, 4:55 PM
I'm so confused so 6 hrs apart, i thought you were ahead but then if 6am how did you have your appointment already. I'm glad your wife's there for you& you described her so unique in a beautiful way. My boyfriend would probably just describe me as a hand grenade period, or a time bomb...ha but know he loves me!

Posted by: almosthome June 24, 2015, 5:06 PM
haha, that's excellent. But no, my appointment is in 3hrs. My doctor asked my wife to make the appointment when she came in with one of the kids a couple weeks ago. So I'm not really sure what to expect. Like I said she is super nice, but Im so ready to be done with doctors.

Posted by: almosthome June 24, 2015, 5:17 PM
I meant that the doctor was surprised when I came in at the end of last month to get my usual methadone prescription and I told her I didn't want it.

Posted by: marykat80 June 24, 2015, 5:25 PM
Oh ok, so I guess I'm 6 hrs ahead almost 230 here. So I know you said you like your doctor, but really? Last time you were there she basically said 'ok peace good luck' that's odd to me. Would think she would've wanted to check on you asap!!!

Posted by: marykat80 June 24, 2015, 5:26 PM
Oh wait she did ask your wife to make you an appointment, but Damn 3 weeks out

Posted by: almosthome June 24, 2015, 6:06 PM
I guess she's busy hahaha, but nah she was all concerned and trying to talk me out of it and wean down but I was absolutely solid. I told I'd done it before and it wasn't as hard as everyone says and all that big talk hahaha. fail. sort of.

I'll let her poke and prod me but I won't be talked into any crutch medications. I need to be running this show even if it's only been pretend sometimes.

Posted by: marykat80 June 24, 2015, 6:18 PM
Yeah I know, was actually gonna ask bout that. I think antipsyche meds good for some, but not always the answer, my doc was trying to push me. I just told him I want my brain to heal as natural as It can/I want. He finally eased up. Plus in my late teens my mom had doctors put me on all kinds antidepressants, lots bad side effects. Seizures with one, and this was a time when I'd quit all drugs drinking so was that alone. I was just the 1 in some extreme number in small print on the pamphlet that got that rare side affect. So yeah kinda turned me off!

Posted by: almosthome June 24, 2015, 7:26 PM
I can imagine. Reminds me of my sister, she's 34 and she was put on all that stuff as a teen, but when my mum saw her dragging around with bags under her eyes, she said f*** that. But yeah, doctors can only tell you what they know, and they don't know everything.

Speaking of which, I'm off...

Posted by: almosthome June 24, 2015, 9:32 PM
hurt- Johnny Cash. (9inch nails cover)
sitting in the doctor waiting room for 34minutes trying not to fidget like a crazy person. I ended up casually walking outside and crushing and ripping up handfuls of leaves and sticks to calm myself hahaha.

All good though doctor is happy, I'm happy.

Posted by: marykat80 June 24, 2015, 9:40 PM
Don't you hAte that sh**. Waiting just to wait again in smaller room. Hey crunching up leaves is better then screaming like a lunatic you know. Yeah I heard Johnny Cash do that. My first big concert was 13th or 14th birthday snuck out and saw nine inch nails with David bowie. Lemme know how it goes

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 2:39 AM
Woah, you and David Bowie saw 9 inch nails together?! kidding, that's mad

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 2:57 AM
Yup! Loved bowie before I loved his music, labyrinth. But then I guess he did pretty much all music in that too. Which reminds me a movie called 'the hunger' Have to see that. How did appointment go?

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 3:12 AM
labyrinth! oh my god we had it on video. Yeah the appointment was good. She checked me out and gave me blood tests n' all that. You know when they take out the needle and put a cotton bud on until the bleeding stops? when she took the cotton bud off to check, blood shot from my arm and she screamed! (the blood lady) hahahahaha. She goes, oh my god does that usually happen? I said I dunno, you're the blood lady hahaha

But yeah I put on a good front and told my doc everything is peaches. I left with a stack of referrals n' that but that's for counselling and stuff like that. No meds no fuss.

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 3:23 AM
That's Hella funny, so blood squirting everywhere you weren't trippen and SHE was freaking out, now that's the part that woulda freaked me out. Do you remember what your blood pressure was or least if was good? Yeah labyrinth magical movie from childhood,STILL have on video and dvd.

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 3:44 AM
hahaha yeah I'm real cool when it comes to needles. I got the scars to prove it(shame). My blood pressure is mwah! champagne. I mean good, normal. I used to love fraggle rock too. Labyrinth and that show always came together in my mind somehow. But mainly it's that fraggle Rock had the best ever intro to a kids show. That's what I reckon anyway

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 3:47 AM
dance your cares away
worries for another day

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 4:01 AM
Ok why don't I remember fraggle rock starting off like that..funny though couple years back picked up a fraggle rock video for my son at a thrift store. I like exposing him to all the good stuff we had when we were kids. Haha week ago put on Mr Rogers, he kept saying 'this guys creepy! It's like he's talking to us'

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 5:15 AM
I don't know Mr Rogers but Yeah my son is the same. I guess they just need more now. Showing messed up s*** like dragon ball Z. Guy can't punch someone in the face, he has to jump into space and then fly back down and crack the world in half. I don't get it. Less in more. Simple s***. That's what I like about reggae. each instrument doin like one tiny thing, but they all do it together so it sounds mad

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 7:26 AM
But Anyway, I'm getting better at coping with things. Like for example, for the last week or so my jaw is always sore coz I'm clenching all the time, so it's like constant sort of tension even when I'm in good spirits. So when I'm in a situation that really gets on my nerves, I find myself tipping over the edge, like really quickly.

I'm not gonna lie and say I just rope it in and it's fine, I've definately been a bit nuts like going outside real quick to give the wall a quick headbutt. But I'm able to sort of work my way out of it before I lose control. And it's gotta get easier from this point.

oh my god powerade is so good. Anyway, I'm getting by ok. However hard it gets, I feel like I can handle it so things can only get better overall.

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 7:47 AM
I thought about that after..thinking Australia might not have gotten the joy of Mr. Rogers! Yeah you sound like your keeping positive attitude and yeah of course there are gonna be those moments when you lose it to some extent. I remember telling my boyfriend 'i just need to scream' in moment I don't even think I was upset about anything, just felt I HAD to. He told me to go in backyard and scream. I'm thinking it's middle of night, not like we live in mountains, all houses are super close. he reminded me of all the tweakers and drunks walking down back alley behind us. I had totally forgotten about the guy howling at the moon or whatever he howled at like clockwork EVERY night. i think i just ended up smashing my face in a** i'd already drawn enough attention to that house!

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 1:09 PM
Yep, the neighbourhood nut case, me too. It's the worst when you go by them and they check to see if there will be a wave or a hello but they are careful not to make too much eye contact. Makes me feel like some shambling monster, so I usually smile and wave. But the problem is, they've heard and seen crazy s*** already, and I know there have been times when I have gone by them like growling or mumbling at least a couple times. Oh well. The neighbourhood nutter.

Feel like there should be a theme song or something. neighbourhood nutter da dat dah. "today, we join one of our nutters as he cuts down a tree. Oh look he has an axe in one hand, a chainsaw in the other, and yes! a vomit bucket around his neck. Just look at his eye twitch and his face contort. Don't get too close children, he looks extremely agitated today"

I should just embrace it. Throw on some Mr Bungle and get naked in the yard hahaha. Do cartwheels n' s*** haha. My god I can crochet bulls*** with the best of them. Anyway 3am, here we go again. My sister that I said about b4 is coming today. I haven't seen her since a couple weeks or whatever ago when she brought me chicken broth. We always talk crazy s*** and laugh hard so I already know that today is gonna be excellent.

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 1:11 PM
carousel- Mr Bungle

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 1:49 PM
Yeah just embrace it, you'll probably look back and laugh. I was was fortunate that area I lived at time was mixture of homeless,yuppies,tweakers,sorta of hippie types, and bikers. Yeah. Soooo I kinda just blended in for long minute, ugh except for the yuppie mom's that would walk past my house. (Duck) and I just happened to live within eyesight block down from son's school. Now THAT sucked at time! Good your looking forward to day with sis. You said she's my age and think you said your 32? Or round that. That's age difference tween me and my brother and we were always super tight.

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 2:02 PM
yeah, I'm 32 and she's 34. That's cool, so you get the dynamic that's been there between my sis and me since day 1. No-one else gets me like she does and me her. We get in our own little world sometimes and whoever is around us can only sort of shake their heads.

Yeah looking back on some of the things you've said, you definately remind me of her. Some of your crazy stories n' that, and your taste in music (that I've seen anyway). She can be shy sometimes but I've seen her dancing on cars in the middle of Melbourne too. She beat her addiction maybe 18mths ago now so I kind of followed eventually. We did all the best s*** together, went to the best live shows n' that. Plus you can't beat having been through a bad childhood arm in arm with someone. Makes you so tight and understand things nobody else can.

anyway, come on sun it's 4am. Maybe I'll go wake her up haha nah.

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 2:18 PM
Yeah I totally get that bond, I always felt responsible for my brother following in my footsteps. He never took to extreme like I did thankfully though. Eh he probably woulda gotten into same kind of sh** anyway. We actually aren't as close as we used to be. But we will always be good, I know that much. Speaking of music......

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 2:18 PM

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 2:42 PM
So excellent One chromosome too many hahaha. That's exactly the kind of stuff she likes. Yeah we been funny over the years. My old dad said to me 'You protect her son, you're my eyes and ears' Not understanding that I could never dob her in for s***. But I couldn't let him down even though I was the younger brother dammit. She got me in so much s*** just bein a mad party animal. Like when I had to recruit some backup just so I could walk us away from a bunch of bikies who had their eyes on her. She was just being friendly, but when they saw 15 year old me getting surly two of em pulled me aside and said watch ur step young pup or we'll drag you out the back and blow your f***en head off. Haha come on sis time to go. She's like wtf? these guys are all nice guys. Come on sis you dont understand blah blah repeat that story 50 times with different characters and locales.

But anyway, she got clean I didn't. She couldn't be around me. Over the years we are either tight as tight or nowhere. when we argue it's the end of the world. And when we are together, there is no-one else in the world. Sometimes the closest people hurt you the most, but we always there for eachother when s*** goes down.

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 2:53 PM
I can't stop singin that song. what's the bet one of the kids asks me what a mongoloid is by the end of the day.

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 3:37 PM
'Hey dad are we mongoloids?' No kids here are some photos. Aw that's kinda fuct. Theres a different version to that song, try to find later. Yeah what you just said bout you and your sister..definitely. when I would reflect and me being older I should've been looking out for him, but was always other way round. When you have a sister though I guess doesn't matter who's older, the brother is going to be protective regardless....

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 3:45 PM
Yeah true that. Like I always came in to deal with rowdy boyfriends n' that but times when I've been heartbroken or f***ed up emotionally she came for me. Yeah I guess it's true about us little bros following our older sisters. I always thought she was just the coolest person. I tried to copy her style and I listened to music she was into and so on.

But you know, you can only be yourself. She grew up a bit more free with my Mum and I grew up under the iron fist of my Dad (love him). So seeing her party through life like a wild child sometimes reminded me to unclench my fists and stop frowning n' just be a freak. Best of both worlds I guess.

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 3:46 PM
all the freaky people

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 6:03 PM
It's a bit political sometimes but I had to post it coz of the chorus.
We can't stop when the beat just drops
we can't with the rebel rock
we can't stop until we hit those heights
we can't stop because we love this life

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 6:17 PM
Weird how sometimes I get alerts new post, sometimes not. Yeah my brother used to look up to me and think I was super cool...Now he probably just thinks I'm bats*** crazy! Ok so was hard to concentrate on content of music with dude prancing around like that....scary!

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 6:18 PM one line through this would get me super teary.

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 6:33 PM
yeah same here with the alerts. Yeah I love when hip hop has a sort of heavy reggae track to it.

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 6:39 PM
stand a chance, down the bottom.

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 6:43 PM
he does the bad a** rhyme after the second verse, so good. more justice is good too.

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 7:16 PM
I listened to most of it then my phone tweaked out for a second&Went back to some super old post. Ok so I know you said you weren't all into tom waits, but I'm on a mission to find something you haven't heard, he has so so much and there's a lot I don't like, but he's still one my favorites. Can you describe what you heard and I will try to find something opposite. Ugh it's almost 100degrees here& my kids been up since freaking 330! We're both sick, so I'm not trying to go anywhere today.

Posted by: almosthome June 25, 2015, 7:19 PM
haha cold as f*** here. I'm stayin in too. I dunno just tell me what you like. I haven't given him a chance in a long time. Depends on ur mood I guess

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 7:53 PM
Aww man went through tons of his stuff, then went onto other s*** ok gimme minute

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 7:56 PM But in the mean time...ha

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 7:59 PM Ok will post one more less gravel just discovered next one this year, but I like his gravel.

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 8:05 PM I like this but like his other vocal stuff better, then there's in between stuff too. If you hAte both tell me&will stop torturing ha!

Posted by: marykat80 June 25, 2015, 8:09 PM ok an in between one, last one, promise

Posted by: hey June 26, 2015, 2:40 AM
hey guys,i want to ask,at your day 6 off methadone,how do you feel?i have no energy rght now..

Posted by: almosthome June 26, 2015, 3:33 AM
On day 6 I was feeling worse than ever. It took a few more days before It started to get better. Everyone is different though. Last time I did this, I felt pretty good by day 8- 10, but this time it wasn't until day 13-14 that I started to feel a real difference. I really hope you make it.

Hey Mkat. I love talking heads and crowded house n that sometimes. I gotta be honest, come on up to the house made me want to find Tom waits and put a bullet in him hahaha. But, I hope I don't fall in love with you really got me, that's one I will definately listen to again. YouTube won't play the last one, but holy s***, I actually really like a Tom waits song! Oh no. Hahaha

Posted by: almosthome June 26, 2015, 3:37 AM
I actually don't know why I threw crowded house in there. For some reason they are linked in my mind even though they are totally different.

Posted by: almosthome June 26, 2015, 3:41 AM
The real ACDC, so Australian. That was back when the legendary Bon Scott was the frontman, and my Auntie used to hang with them in Melbourne. She kicked one of em in the nuts but never elaborated on which one it was hahaha R.I.P.

Posted by: almosthome June 26, 2015, 4:14 AM
my favourite scene from big lebowski, excellent song. Reminds me of my mate Che.

Posted by: almosthome June 26, 2015, 4:58 AM
oh my god, if you haven't seen this yet....well....yeah.

Posted by: hey June 26, 2015, 6:44 AM
thnks almosthome,yeah i will make it..i dont want to get back to methadone!!

Posted by: almosthome June 26, 2015, 6:59 AM
yeah it's not worth it hey.

Posted by: almosthome June 26, 2015, 7:16 AM
where are you from hey?

Posted by: hey June 26, 2015, 7:38 AM
im from malaysia..u?

Posted by: almosthome June 26, 2015, 7:54 AM
Australia, but I'm Serbian. That's cool mang. I hope ur doing ok, It will get better soon and then we get to be free. I'm watching shawshank redemption haha, that's how I feel. Breaking out of prison. Anyway, stay strong, and your English is excellent by the way.

Posted by: hey June 26, 2015, 8:11 AM
haha nice man..same with me..thats how i feel too..haha

Posted by: marykat80 June 26, 2015, 9:47 AM
Watching that cello video, thinking ok something crazy or funny better happen, yeah that s*** was pretty funny. Big lebowski, haven't seen for days....I love Steve buschemi, or however you ever spell his name. Your aunt sounds like she was a rad chick! So delirious right now, woke up at 330, yesterday too, but fell back asleep. isn't that round time of witching hour or some s*** tom waits you actually like one of his songs now...I was guessing if any you would like that even though the third I posted didn't play.

Posted by: almosthome June 26, 2015, 10:08 AM
yep, you got me. Maybe I can keep it a secret for a bit longer. At least until I run into someone and have the, what about Tom Waits conversation. Oh no, the witching hour. ARGH don't say it. When I was a kid I woke up in the witching hour and tried to scream but the fear stole the sound from my throat. I've never been so scared in my life. Well one time, but different situation. And it didn't involve the mystical hour of nightmares that lives somewhere in between hours.

Oh stop it. I'm all pumped and freaked out now hahaha

Posted by: marykat80 June 26, 2015, 11:18 AM
Dude well check this out: I don't bruise easily at all. Little over week ago woke up with 3 purple/black bruised lines on back of thigh. Didnt hurt& did NOTHING to hurt started reading bout health conditions etc then found some page bout 3 claw like scratches and or bruising...demons etc. So I call my friend who's into all that paranormal s*** and his first question was what's your sleeping pattern? Told him I don't know wake up sometimes usually round 5 cause the birds out my window, but had woke up at 3 that time. He cut me off and said wait, 3 exactly? 'Uhh yeah' you know that's the witching hour right? 'The wha?' I gotta get back to work, research it he tells me. And I'm thinking wait you're just gonna leave me hanging like that, and when the f*** did you get a job? Ha, he was actually freaking out about it more then me, kept checking up on it!