Im In A Race To Grave
Posted: February 27, 2017, 10:31 PM


Posts: 12
Joined: February 27, 2017



Hello
I am super sad and sorry for all the families stories I have read and thank GOD above I found this site just today... I have 2 kids 25 and 26 14 months apart had the first when I was 17.... They are both heroine addicts and putting me through sheer total hell... To the point that I really don't know if even want to go on and if I do how. I have gone broke trying to help them not counting what they have helped themselves to by stealing from me.. I am no longer allowed to babysit my husbands grandkids who I LOVE so much because of allowing one of my own kids to stay here... I gave my son my car because he was working and doing good.. Now they are living in the car and I feel like I should just report it stolen and have them both jailed.. I don't know why I am in a battle with myself over it. I don't want to bury them but they are going to bury me really soon if this stress and misery continues. So I have come to the conclusion that I am in a race to grave with the 2 kids I raised by myself since I was 17... I worked they went to school played little league we a had swimming pool trampolines bicycles.. but they make me feel like I was a horrible mother and this is all my fault. I am in the same boat as everyone else who my heart absolutely goes out to 100%... My phone is beeping like crazy because I have my sons suboxone here and he wants to just come get it... I am ignoring him because he hasn't had it for 2 days so I know he is using anyway. But of course I know when I look at my phone the message will say mom I'm clean but I am not going to stay that way if you don't give me my medicine..... Should I tell him to come then go out and slash the tires so he can't leave then I will have to live in even more misery cause he has no respect for me whatsoever... I in this moment don't know what to do!!!!!!
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Posted: February 27, 2017, 11:54 PM


Posts: 243
Joined: August 18, 2016



I am so sorry to hear what you are going through with your kids. Addiction tears at the fabric of not only the addict, but the family as well.

At this point, your children are adults and even though they are active addicts and making bad choices, it is their life to do what they want. You can want them to get clean more than anything in the world and spend every waking moment praying, checking on them, paying for their needs, doling out their medications and the only thing you have accomplished is nothing...except driving yourself crazy!

I am an addict in longer term recovery and I am also a mother, so I can relate on a few different levels. The best advice I can give is NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES! That does NOT mean that you changing how you react and interact with your adult children is going to change them, but it will change you and your life...and you are only responsible for you.

There is nothing you did that caused their addictions. Even if you were the mother from hell...not saying you are, but if you were, plenty of children grow up under horrible circumstances and come out relatively unscathed. You cannot control their addiction. You can't cure it. As a mother, it sucks to admit that we cannot save our children, but when kids become adults the responsibility of their lives MUST switch to them. To continue to try to "parent" an adult and keep them from experiencing the mistakes and consequences caused by their addictions only allows them to continue to plow through people on their quest to feed their addiction.

I bumped a thread called "what not to do". It is a wonderful post that explains what does not help the addict in your life. Be aware that it will feel foreign to change your behavior. That's why addiction is called a family disease. That doesn't mean you are responsible for it, but family members who enable make it easier for the addict to stay sick. Why should we get better when we can manipulate you to do our bidding (whether that is paying our rent, food, lending us money or a car or letting us stay with you) AND we can still get high and do what we want without feeling the weight of our consequences?

It seems from the post that you are at the end of your rope and it is now up to you to save yourself! Your kids need to know that the buck stop with you...you are officially taking yourself out of the addiction game! If they want to continue to play, that is their business, but you will no longer be coach, crowd or referee. You will not be the supplier or financier of anything.

I would absolutely take the car back. If they aren't paying for it, the gas and insurance, then why should they have the privilege of driving it? If they are living in it, that really isn't your problem. They will have to make other arrangements. Believe me, us active addicts are VERY resourceful. We have friends who use who we can couch-surf, we can rent a motel room or go to a shelter. It is not your job to provide housing to an able-bodied adult.

There is also a great post called "let me fall all by myself". Just type it into the website search bar. It will give you great insight on why it is important for us to feel the full weight of out decisions. I would also look up enabling and get all the information you can on the topic. There are many support groups such as AL-ANON, NAR-ANON or CoDA(co dependents anonymous) that can help you to detatch with love.

As an addict, my family pulling out of the enabling business is what finally lead me to seek recovery. When the full weight of my addiction and life choices were handed back to me to deal with, I finally saw what a shambles it was and I was miserable! An addict has to get sick and tired of it before they are ready to change. It took me over a year to even start to believe that my family would no longer cave to my whims! For so long I was able to use them to get what I wanted, and what I wanted was to use without consequences!!! When all those consequences started pelting me like a huge hail storm. it finally hit me that I was on my own! My family still loved me, but they no longer would be swayed by my lies and manipulation..or my tears. They would resond to my plea for money or food or whatever with "How do you think you can change (insert situation/problem here)? If I was in withdrawal, instead of giving me money to buy drugs to stop my agony, they would say things like "I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. You are strong and I know you can find a solution". God, I used to get so pissed when they would say that stuff! LOL looking back now, it was a turning point!

I wish you much luck. This journey is tough..for us and for our families. There is help available when they are ready. There is MAT (medication-assisted treatment with methadone, Suboxone or Vivitrol), there are 12 step meetings and many non 12 step alternatives such as SMART recovery, SOS, Woman for Sobriety etc. A quick Google search will give you a plethora of information. Hang in there!!! Even if they continue to use YOUR life can get better! You do not have to stay sick with them! Sending positive vibes your way!!!

P.S. I forgot to answer about your son's Suboxone. If it is his legal perscription, then I would give it to him. It is not your job to hold his medication. If he needs medication and cannot trust himself to take it as prescribed, then he should go to a program where they have to show up every day and take it in front of the doctor or nurse. If it is something he bought off the street, I will tell you what my family did. They chucked it! They refused to allow illegal drugs (if it isn't for him, it is, in fact, illegal) in their home because they did not want to be caught in a situation where they got in trouble. The minute you either return his medication to him, or inform him you flushed it, you take yourself out of the chaos..out of the game and put the responsibility back on him!

This post has been edited by lolleedee on February 28, 2017, 12:04 AM
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Posted: February 28, 2017, 12:09 AM


Posts: 12
Joined: February 27, 2017



Thank you so very much. I have now read all of your suggestions and I actually was able to take my first deep breath of the day.. My son has been sending non stop texts how awful I am and he wants his suboxone and clothes.. I told him to be here by 930 he didn't show up and now its my fault he is going to have to use because I won't give him his meds which he hasn't had for 2 days because he has been using.... I am thankful I have wised up some.. I will continue to try to hold the meds and when he shows up I will slash the dang tires on the car before I will let him leave with it... But then what.... I will be stuck with him here in all his misery.... I just had him admitted to rehab Tuesday signed himself out Wednesday... I see now that was something I should not have done spent and entire day to get him in somewhere and another day doing a resume and job applications..... I am going to get that car back no matter what.. Thanks again for responding has really helped me so much!
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Posted: February 28, 2017, 12:12 AM


Posts: 12
Joined: February 27, 2017



I got ya on the subuxone its a legal script another whole day trying to find a dr to write it for him... I am going to give it to him but making sure he comes on my terms at a decent hour and hopefully when I can take my car back! I will update when it goes down.. Thanks!
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Posted: February 28, 2017, 12:39 AM


Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi, Real sorry to read your post and how upset you are. But we're here to help you! What "Lolli" said is so true and i agree with her. Don't let them back in the house. I know you feel for them and want them close but it will be a big mistake. I would also get your car back. If their in an accident in your car you are the one who will get sued. The cars in your name! Your kids aren't those loveable little angels you brought up anymore. Their hardened to be able to live the life they live and there's always a fellow addict around to help them out. So as much as it breaks your heart to see them like this,they know how to take care of themselves. Plus they have each other's back. You should try and get help for you. No more helping them. I'd give your son his medicine back too and let him do what he will with it. Your not to blame for any of this. They like to place the blame on everyone but themselves, so don't let them. I have a daughter who's been on the heroin crack /cocaine now for 18 yrs, so I know it's heartbreaking. All us moms are here for you and we'll help you as best we can. Read lots of posts on here they will help you too. This website is a godsend and has helped me deal with my addict. Others will come on and help advise you. Take care. Mary💛

This post has been edited by Mandm on February 28, 2017, 12:44 AM
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Posted: February 28, 2017, 12:47 AM


Posts: 12
Joined: February 27, 2017



Thank so much for your kind words. I found this site at 11 am then got called into work.. But I have been reading nonstop since I got home and have been able to breathe a few deep breaths since I started... I copied the letter from and addict and replied to my sons texts with the letter... and Let me fall by myself... The messages have finally stopped and I have actually been able to read and learn so much.. I am soooo thankful for everyone here who has shared their stories.. I so thought I was alone... I have isolated myself out of embarrassment and depression.. But I am turning this ride around now!! Thanks!
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Posted: March 2, 2017, 12:40 AM


Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016



Welcome!
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Posted: March 2, 2017, 9:00 AM


Posts: 1606
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hi - I dont have time to write much, but want to say --- Dont slash the tires. Just let the air out of them. LOL... story time... my husband works where he deals w the public, a non profit org. once he was talking to a mom who out of the blue began crying hysterically about her two sons who have taken everything from her. she works two jobs, they dont work. the abuse drugs and steal, etc. his job has nothing to do w drug abuse, the woman just could not hold it in and my husband was the sympathic ear... Just want to say, you are not alone.

It takes time to fully stop the enabling AND feel better - most likely months. But, each week you will feel a little better. it could take your sons a year or two to be clean, or never. you have to start thinking of you first. run your thoughts through a filter that says "What is good for me? What do I need" start thinking of YOUR future that does not include drugs. Put the breaks on and and tell the kids you are done.

as far as specifics - let us know what your issue is and we will throw out suggestions to you.
Keep reading the postings, even go back a few months. We have all been where you are in some fashion...


NarAnon helped me and my husband to get on the same page, and the support to change OUR thinking. It gave a vent to talk to people with out judgement and with confidentiality. and someone who is not family or co-workers or friends -- that you dont want to be dumping on.

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Posted: March 2, 2017, 10:03 AM


Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015



I'm so sorry to hear that both of your kids are on heroin. I know how awful it is. You've already gotten some great advice on here but I'll put my two cents in too.
It isn't going to be easy but you are going to need to stop the insanity. They need to be responsible for their lives and everything in their lives. Neither of them need to live with you, take back possession of your car (call the police if you need to), give them their meds to deal with on their own, stop taking their calls if they are harassing you. You're still in the mentality of thinking that you have some sort of control over all this. The addiction is showing you that you don't. If you have Nar anon or Al anon meetings near you, you should attend if you can. If you can't then you need to work on your own at detaching. You are not responsible for your grown kids decisions or their lives. Come back to this site several times a day if you need to and read. After you read enough stories, you will understand that you are not the cause or the cure and you cannot control this. Anything that your kids should be doing for themselves at these ages, they need to be doing for themselves. Yes, it might mean that things will get worse before they get better. Let me just say, if they know they can call you and you'll pick up and listen while they verbally abuse you, then that's exactly what they'll do.
You need to be responsible for your own life and take back control of your own life. You deserve to be happy and healthy.
Do not let your kids tell you that any of this is your fault. That's one of an addicts manipulation techniques. My son is a heroin addict also, so I know what I'm talking about. Addicts will say and do anything to get what they want and they will steal anything of value. I remember one mom on here saying her addict would steal the eyes out of her head if he thought he could get drugs for them. It's true.
Good luck and hugs to you!

--------------------
Michelle
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Posted: March 2, 2017, 5:21 PM


Posts: 16
Joined: February 25, 2017



Madmomma,

I hear the anguish in your post and my heart breaks for you. I'm new here and trying to break my go-to habit of fixing things so my son will not lose his job/go to jail/die from using week, coke, xanax and alcohol. Nothing I've done to "help" him live a normal life has helped, all it's done is deplete my energy, emotions and bank account. He got arrested two weeks ago and has been hammering me to bail him out. I won't do it. It's not just the money, if he got out I know he wouldn't show up for his court dates and he'd be in more trouble. Plus, he'd be using again.

This stinks, it hurts, I'm so angry and sad and can't stop obsessing about my "baby" in a nasty county jail (where they hold you before trial/sentencing). But he has to turn his life around. I can't want it more for him than he does.

I'm so sorry you are going through this with not one but two kids. One of my daughters was doing a lot of coke and weed and drinking a few years back but she has pulled herself out of it by herself and is a functioning young adult at age 26. I coddled my kids because the two of them had serious emotional disorders, but they certainly had no trouble finding drugs and people to hook them up.

I'm in the shock-and-upheaval stage of this latest crisis, so I can't be of as much help as the other members here who have been down this road already, but if I can throw in my two cents, I think joining a support group like Nar Anon or Al Anon is the best gift you can give yourself. I have attended in the past ...then stopped when things "improved'' ....now I know I need a safe place to vent with others who really do have an idea of what you are going through, and who don't judge.

sending hugs and prayers to you and your children
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 8:55 PM


Posts: 12
Joined: February 27, 2017



Thank you all so much for your caring and kind words. I just wanted to say that.. Also you all will be proud to know that after over 300 texts today and while texting not looking went to get up from my chair and my foot was wrapped around my laptop cord, pulled it off onto the floor as I fell broke it and hurt my knee while texting my two heroin addicted kids who are now fighting amongst themselves..... that I have now turned off my phone... Powered it off and came here to read all of your messages and try to keep the guilt from taking my breath tonight... Its so easy to plan to detach and to begin the detachment but they keep on reeling me back in.... How do I stick with it?? I have aged 10 years in the last 2 and I no longer have any joy whatsoever in my life.... I had my son going to church for a month around Christmas.. Our preacher gave him a guitar to play because he likes to play.. he was here and was clean and doing well.. Since he took off this last time I have worried so much about the guitar.. Tonight he tells me he sold it for 20 dollars it was generic.... I am just sick... No I feel like I can't even go to church.. How can I tell my preacher what has happened??
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 10:20 PM


Posts: 1606
Joined: June 27, 2016



don't tell the preacher. its not your responsibility to relay the information. if the preacher asks, tell the truth express your remorse. he will forgive you. you did not sell it.

sorry your sons are doing this to you. you can not control what they are doing. it is the use of the drugs that pushes them to want to die. they don't want to use, but the drugs are so addictive. they cant stop and they begin to think death is a way out. I can not say what makes so follow thru and some don't.

so many are going thru the same as you. it the same story over and over.

I wish I had good advice. if you do turn the phone on, tell him to go to a hospital.
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 10:39 PM


Posts: 12
Joined: February 27, 2017



I did tell him to go to the rehab hospital, I also threatened him with a mental inquest warrant before I turned the phone off... But after I said what I said... I really don't know what else to do every time I don't given into whatever they want.. Its a son and a daughter 25 and 26. They threaten me with suicide. To get me to given them what they want.. I just can't keep doing it.. I have isolated myself from everyone of my friends and family and now my church family is going to be gone too.. I am dead broke and actually overdrawn by 109.00 right now and he's gonna kill himself because he has no cigarettes and no money for gas.... Today was my only day off and I wish I would have had to work because then and only then do I say I don't have time for this and hang up... Yes it is sad and there are so many stories and they are all about some one's once precious little darling who they sacrificed so much for worked for taught to eat walk talk and protected for so long and its devastating to have them grow up and break your heart spirit and not have one little bit of respect or regard for your feelings... My heart goes to out of all us and I hope my stories help someone somewhere know you are not alone!
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Posted: March 9, 2017, 11:50 PM


Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi, Don't listen to them when they say they will commit suicide. It's what they all say when they see that their losing their grip on us. There comes a time when as mothers we just get so sick of them that we do end up cutting them off just to get peace. I changed my phone number on my cell once and blocked my daughter's number to my house phone.Her boyfriends too. Then any number that came in and I didn't recognize the number I wouldn't answer. It was great, so quiet and peaceful. It lasted a few weeks and then I unblocked her number again. But by that time she had learned she couldn't get through to me and stopped calling. Their grabbing at straws anything to get your attention because you must have stopped giving them. Where do they have your car parked? Get tough and stick to what you tell them. Because if you give them an inch they'll take a mile. Do not give in and allow them in the house!! Threaten them with calling the police even though you don't call them.Take care! Mary💛

This post has been edited by Mandm on March 9, 2017, 11:56 PM
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Posted: March 10, 2017, 9:06 AM


Posts: 1606
Joined: June 27, 2016



I had a daughter addicted and a son. at separate times. they did not hand out together. first the daughter - battled it for 3 years and then the son -who is actually older - got into it later - he is 27 now. going on 3 years - he has been struggling in recovery.

She gave the drugs up pretty quickly after we kicked her out. she did go to rehab twice for 30 days. but it was when she sat on someone's basement couch, no job, no money, watching 3 channels on tv - no cable - no internet - no computer... that something clicked and she decided she did not want to live that way, with nothing. before that - nothing stopped her - she was a train wreck at our house. demanding. no amount of money was too small to do drugs. even giving a dollar is too much.

my son has had a harder time walking away from it. also been to rehab twice - for 45 days or more. he either does not see or does not want to admit that the drugs have ruined his life and lost everything several times. I think he thinks he can take the drugs and 'handle' it. he has been clean for a few months, coming back home bc of a job. we dont know where this is going to go...... hope for the best, prepare for a relapse.


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Posted: March 10, 2017, 10:33 AM


Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016



Our son has done the same thing as yours in selling stuff that wasn't his. He has sold at least two households of furniture that belonged to his girlfriend's at the time. The one was at work and he sold her 5 y/o old daughters bedroom furniture and toys! He also recently sold his last girlfriend's parents stuff. Her dad loaned him an antique symbol for his drum set(which his gf bought) and then he sold it for a few bucks! It had been in her family for 50 yrs.

He has also taken a past gf's son's playstation and sold it. She had worked for months to buy her son that for his birthday!

He is an ADDICT and they have no scruples, morals, or conscience when it comes to feeding their habit! For heavens sake just read what others have said about their addicts stealing from their own family and parents! My son has stolen from us and my brothers and my sister.

Stay firm and don't give in! Block their calls, lock your doors and don't let them in your home for ANYTHING! They will find a way to survive--they always do.

(((HUGS))) Lori

ps: I have heard the suicide threats more times than I can count. He is 46 and still an addict and still alive! Every time he has threatened suicide I have responded with --" I am calling the police to come do a wellness check on you". Stopped hearing that threat almost immediately!

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Posted: March 10, 2017, 4:50 PM


Posts: 12
Joined: February 27, 2017



I have also changed my number too.. LOL caused me so much hassle trying to unlock certain websites where they want to text you a code then I didn't have the same number... Another one of those little problems caused that we never mention.... I turned my phone back on this morning turned the ringer off and deleted all the messages before I even looked at them. I haven't heard anything today but have spent probably more than half the day worried then try to find something to do to take my mind off it.. Catch my self worrying and do it again.. This time I just stopped by for the encouragement. I can't thank you all enough for your responses... As far as the car I have no idea where it is at this point... My son told me how me giving him my car old but it was the nicest car I ever had a 1996 Acura RL loaded... I babied the car so it was in good shape still. When he ran off the first time in it he brought it back with the back windshield and passenger back window glass busted completely out with clear tape over both windows...

Hugs and prayers to us all!
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Posted: March 10, 2017, 6:44 PM


Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016



madmomma--

They have a total different value system and my son trashes everything if he hasn't sold or pawned it! He doesn't take care of anything he has and then complains that he has nothing!

I am soo relieved not to have to deal with him as much since we aren't giving in to him and enabling him any longer. Lifted such a big weight off of us. Now when he texts all his woes, I almost laugh at the way he tries to get money with out coming right out and asking for it!

We are soo on to him now and I can't believe how blind we have been and how naive over the years!

I love our son but I will no longer be a victim to the life he has chosen! I pray for him all the time but I have moved on to take care of my husband, my 16 y/o son, and MYSELF!!!!

Lori
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Posted: March 10, 2017, 6:48 PM


Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi Mad, Good for you! I still worry about my daughter too.I would be lying or kidding myself on if I said I didn't. I think no matter what they do we will always worry. But just stepping out of their drama helps give you breathing room and puts some calm in your life. We had to do something because if we didn't and listened to their chaos day in day out, we'd all be as nutty as a fruitcake! Some of us already are.....haha! Just joking! How long have your kids been doing drugs? I feel bad for you having two of them on drugs. It's bad enough having one. I hope things get better for you Mad. Make sure your windows and doors are locked too. I have all my stuff locked up. It's a shame that our own kids can't be trusted, but they can't and no sense putting temptation in their way. We're all here for you sending you strength when we have it and borrowing yours when we need it. Take care and stay strong!! Things will get easier one day at a time! (((Hugs)))Mary💛
Remember ...You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it! It's all up to them.
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