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Message Board > Recovery Diaries > Gem's Recovery Diary

Posted by: every-day-is-a-struggle- October 31, 2010, 7:56 AM
My drug counseller has been telling me for years that writing is theraputic. So here goes, I have decided that rather than putting about 10% effort into my recovery, then moaning when nothing changes, I'm gonna put 100% in and see what happens.
I'm 31 and have been addicted to crack & heroin on & off for 13 yrs, before that I was smoking pot, taking speed & ecstacy. I have had enough, or should I say the drugs have had enough, enough of my life, my happiness and my success. So no more. First thing tomorrow I'm calling N.A.. Then I'm going to call the place where I was having counselling and get an appointment for an assessment.
I think keeping a daily online diary is a good idea because I constantly lie to myself, and I think getting my feelings down in writing is a big help. So tomorrow is the 1st of November, a good place to try and start my recovery, I'm already on methadone, and I've managed to get my drug usage down to once a week (payday). I need help to get over that final hurdle & get drugs out of my life for good. So here goes......, watch this space....

Posted by: every-day-is-a-struggle- November 1, 2010, 12:33 PM
I attended my 1st N A meeting today, I was really nervous, as I didn't know anyone there, so I just sat back and listened. When we stopped for a cigerette break, I got chatting to a few people & got some phone numbers, which I'm really glad of, because, as sad as it sounds, I've got no friends. In order to overcome my addiction I've stopped hanging around with other addicts and discovered that I have no friends, I had friends at one time, but they all disappeared as my using increased.
I don't know alot about the fellowship yet, I don't know what the 12 steps are, but I've been assured that I'll begin to pick it all up soon. I'm going to my next meeting on thursday and I'm actually looking forward to it.
I'm beginning to realise that in order to stay clean I need to change the way I look at my addiction and understand that I'll always be an addict, there's no such thing as an occasional smoke. I'm feeling really positive and actually getting excited about living a full and happy life, and not just existing.

Posted by: every-day-is-a-struggle- November 2, 2010, 3:55 PM
Another drug-free day! Today was a challenge because I had enough money in my pocket to buy drugs, but I didn't. I went shopping instead. I had my fortnightly appointment with my drug counsellor, and I've arranged to drop my methadone down another 5mls next week, so I'm coming down 5mls a fortnight, I won't be able to keep reducing at that rate, but as I'm on quite a high dose I feel ok, as my dose gets lower I'll feel it a bit more. I was thinking about drugs alot today, the temptation is still there, every time I felt myself thinking about drugs I did something else to stay busy, my dog got walked three times today, but he's not complaining!
I need to excersise and watch my food intake as I'm eating regularly now, which I wasn't when I was using, I'm noticing my jeans getting tighter. Putting on weight has been a trigger for previous relapses in the past, its never nice to bump into someone you used to use with and have them say, "look at the size of you, you've put on enough weight!"
It might not be as bad for a man, but for a woman, who is a recovering addict and feeling vunerable and ultra sensetive, its the end of the world.

Posted by: every-day-is-a-struggle- November 4, 2010, 4:10 AM
I felt really quite tired today, I need to get a list of foods that boost your serotonin levels naturally, because I'm feeling a definate crash in my mood today. I'm getting worried as well because tomorrow is I get my weekly money, thursday has always been a using day for me, I sat and made a list of what I need to pay out, and I started thinking, I could probably have a little smoke, couldn't I ?
Then I came to my senses, no I can't, I want to take my kids on holiday, I want a life, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, I need to give my long-suffering mum a break.
I've got an NA meeting at around the same time I'd be considering using. Any money left over, from my budget is either going to go into my savings account, (that I don't have easy acsess to) or I'll give to my mum. I wish my using thoughts would go away....still tomorrow is another day.