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Message Board > Recovery Diaries > Clean Today

Posted by: ChrisS November 30, 2014, 7:59 AM
I have relapsed several times on my DOC over the course of the last year. It's made the last year hell. I'm not willing to keep living like this. And relapse is a depressing, devastating thing, not only for me but everyone directly involved who I know loves me very much.

But even though bumps in the road come along in the form of relapse from recovery, we have a choice every day. We can continue on down the path to self-destruction or we can stay clean. And just for today, I can stay clean. Every time I have relapsed I have learned a little more about the disease of addiction. Complacency in my recovery seems to be my biggest enemy. I intend for this recovery diary to be a constant reminder of where I have been so as to be one facet of my approach to not becoming complacent in my recovery.

There is too much at stake.
November 30, 2014.

Posted by: ChrisS December 1, 2014, 9:48 AM
I just had a feeling today was going to be a crappy day when I woke up this morning. Just have to deal with a bunch of stuff that I don't want to deal with. So of course, my first thought was "okay, it's time to score". I was thinking about getting some dope before my eyes even really opened. That's soooo not okay and not normal. I had my beautiful wife laying in bed asleep next to me. Looking at her there was a reminder that if I continue to use, I will lose everything.

I don't want to hurt anyone else anymore because of my problem. Especially myself. I have to remember that I have never known sobriety since I have been an adult. I think I'm going to try to make a meeting before going to work today.

Good luck to everyone out there trying to stay clean today.
December 1, 2014

Posted by: ChrisS December 2, 2014, 2:40 PM
I know the urge to use is going to come and go for a looooong time through my abstinence and recovery and right now I'm okay with that. BUT, thankfully, this morning I didn't wake up wanting and craving a fix like I typically do. Mornings are the worst for me as far as wanting to get high. I wake up, it's the first thing on my mind, and that feeling lingers long into the afternoon sometimes. Today wasn't one of those days. I suppose it doesn't mean that tomorrow won't be, but that's okay. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I'm on day 7 completely clean this time around. I'm going to meetings regularly and even starting to meet a few people that I like and have the same problem as I do. Things are going a little better with my wife as well which is awesome. I love that girl more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. I've come so close to losing her.

I think that once there has been a substantial amount of time between us and this monumental problem that we will be stronger than we ever would have been if she hadn't faced these demons with me. Every dark cloud has a silver lining.

Posted by: ChrisS December 4, 2014, 2:35 PM
Yesterday I wanted to get high so terribly much. The feeling, that creeping voice of desperation in my mind, would not subside no matter what I did. It was the first thought on my mind when I woke up and one of the last thoughts I had before I went to bed. The voice is cunning and seductive. It is the hot breath of a beautiful woman whispering into your ear, sending chills up and down your spine. It is an old friend beckoning you to come and play one more time. It is a reprieve by a warm fire when the world is nasty, brutish, and cold.

And it is not to be underestimated. I personally am no longer willing to lie to myself and others about my problem. The underestimation of such a cunning seductress has led me time and again into relapse due to my complacency in recovery. I know I can be clean today, but recovery shall be the journey of a lifetime.

The next time I have such a crushing urge to use, I hope that I can bring myself to read these posts as a reminder of how miserable I was. I only ever truly considered suicide when I was high. It is only then that my life seemed nasty, brutish, and short. It is only then that I did not want to live.

Posted by: ChrisS December 5, 2014, 6:03 PM
Woke up at 2:30 last night with a fevered dream that I was using. I can't remember specifics, and honestly, I don't want to try. I'm doing alright dealing with the doldrums of day-to-day life at the moment; thankful I haven't used.

I was honest with my MD about my problem today and she was surprisingly understanding. I start wellbutrin tomorrow and I'm genuinely excited about it. Things might just start looking up.

Posted by: ChrisS December 6, 2014, 6:20 PM
Started my wellbutrin today. Guess we'll see how this goes. One unfortunate side effect it has that I was unaware of until I started taking it is blurred vision. This isn't that bad in and of itself, but it has made my eyes look terrible. Went to see my wife for a few minutes when I got off of work and she thought I was high. I kind of hope she gives me a urine screen just so I can prove to her for once that I'm not lying. That voice in my head was talking to me pretty heavily at certain points today though. "Go on, do it. You can do this once." b******. The lies never end. It's so frustrating when it's my own mind lying to me.

That's alright though. I've made it through another day and I feel good about it. Better days are ahead. I have a million little pieces to pick up and try to make something beautiful out of what was. It will never be the same as it was before, but I have to believe that things can be better than they are now. If they aren't, then what's the point?

I can't think about all of it at once though. No one can fix everything in one day. Tonight my main concern will be going to a meeting, eating dinner with my family, and getting a good night's rest. That's enough for today I believe.

The man with the big guns says that he wants to kill me
Save your ammo big guy, my disease does that for free

Posted by: ChrisS December 14, 2014, 8:16 PM
I tried posting here the other day. Wrote a really long entry and the damned board crapped out on me. I've been a little frustrated with it since.

My wife is resentful of me; downright angry. And it's to be expected. I can't blame her. Every day I realize a little more just how much damage I have done to myself and so many people I love. God bless that girl--she's still here. I'm so thankful for that and so many other things. I'm thankful to God that I still have a life at all. For a long time there was a pistol in the drawer that held a bullet with my name on it. And I haven't been man enough to live, but I wasn't man enough to die either. For whatever reason it just wasn't my time.

All in all, I feel pretty blessed. I'm meeting some good people in recovery and the anxiety that I feel from dealing with daily life is slowly beginning to subside. My nervous system is beginning to recuperate. The antidepressant has been a miracle. It has genuinely taken my cravings away. It's been so damned long since I haven't woke up craving a fix and to have this lifted from me, to allow me to return somewhat to normalcy, is nothing short of wondrous. For any long term opiate addict, I highly recommend wellbutrin.

Today, I can say I honestly, sincerely, genuinely do not want to get high. To have the gift of sanity being returned to me..... Anyone who has stared into the abyss for so long and saw it reflecting back within him can relate. I have turned away from the abyss.

And now I have some marinara sauce that I'm making from scratch so I can have dinner ready for my family. That is my most pertinent worry tonight.

Posted by: ChrisS December 16, 2014, 4:33 PM
I think the best gift I can give anyone for Christmas is my sobriety. And it's a gift I can't afford not to give. It's been 21 days now since I've touched anything. Christmas morning will be one full month and I can't wait.

I hope everyone out there is doing well. I don't really know what else to say on here: I just wanted to drop a quick line. Actually, scratch that... here's something from the Desiderata that I read whenever times get tough. It reminds me to slow down.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.
You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
doubtless the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations in life,
keep peace in your soul.
Despite all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Anyone looking for a little inspiration should go read the whole thing.

Posted by: ChrisS December 20, 2014, 9:05 PM
So I hadn't been able to make it to a meeting in several days because my work schedule has been hectic as hell. I'm still clean though, and I made it to a meeting tonight. It's always good to hear how everyone else is doing in their recovery and whatnot.... no matter the difference in our backgrounds, we truly are all the same.

Posted by: ChrisS December 24, 2014, 1:17 PM
So tomorrow is going to be the first Christmas I have been clean since I have been an adult. I'm looking forward to it. This month has been a hell of a ride, but that's okay. Life on life's terms, right?

I hope everyone is having a good holiday. And if you're not, hell, it's going to be over soon. It's not worth picking up over. I'm not going to use today, and I can safely say that I'm not going to tomorrow.

That's about the merriest Christmas I could ask for.

Posted by: ChrisS December 30, 2014, 6:12 PM
So today is the first day that I've wanted to get high in a while, but man, it's been a bear. I mean, I guess it hasn't been completely overwhelming, but the feeling has been tangibly present and persistent throughout the course of the day. I'm not sure what triggered it and I don't suppose it matters much. What matters is that I'm not going to. I have over 30 days clean now and I want to keep it that way.

Goddamn, I don't want to relapse again.