Boyfriend Is An Addict And Im Ready To Leave Him
Posted: September 10, 2020, 4:10 PM


Posts: 0
Joined: September 10, 2020



Not too sure where to begin, I have been with my partner for almost 7 years.
in the begining things were grand of course, wasnt until i was made aware of his drug use that i have forever been trying detach with love or just leave altogether.
of course all the begging and pleading and empty and broken promises etc have not been the only reason i have stayed. i actually care and love him..with all my heart.
through out the years i have endured up's and down's his use in the home fights etc etc
its now coming up on 7 years and still im very clear on my wants and beliefs and try everything i can to stick to boundries...every single time i fail to follow through and in the begining it was out of fear..but over the years it is now becoming that i am fiancally stuck as he is the sole provider, which he quickly took advantage of the second my job ended ( i did homecare and the client since as passed away).
i feel full on dubbed at times, scared lost etc and just hoped i could gain a little light in the dark tunnel by posting
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Posted: September 11, 2020, 8:45 AM


Posts: 20035
Joined: October 17, 2003



totti,

We are linking your post to Families/Partners of Addicts board. There are people there who can relate to your experience.

- the moderators
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Posted: September 13, 2020, 1:24 PM


Posts: 1718
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hi sorry for your suffering. It is sad when you get to the point where u realize that you have done absolutely everything you can possibly think of and nothing has helped, nothing sticks. For me and my husband, when dealing with our son, years went by that we were always imagining that we were seeing progress. Like others have said it is like chasing smoke. Or a ghost.

On the other hand there is a sense of relief and no regrets when you know you have done your best.

Read through other posts here who are dealing with addicted spouses.

Do some YouTube searches and read through smartrecovery.org. You may find helpful information.

Good luck on this journey. Above all start thinking about what is best for you. Figure out an exit plan so you have things in place for your independence.
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Posted: September 15, 2020, 4:37 PM


Posts: 43
Joined: May 13, 2007



For what it is worth, I suggest you work on getting a job/education ...anything that will make you more independent. That is NOT a position you need to be stuck in depending on an addict for your means of support. I know it is probably not easy, but that is the most important thing you can do to make your situation better. He will always do what he chooses. An addict or alcoholic is married to their drug first and foremost. Choosing a program is the only way HE can actually leave his first love which is the drink or drug. Until then, it is actually like your living with someone who is actively having an affair. That is how I see it. That is what makes it so intolerable in my opinion.
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Posted: September 18, 2020, 7:44 PM


Posts: 304
Joined: December 23, 2018



Totti, sorry you are here but glad you are here! Sorry for what you are going thru but one thing I can promise you is we will listen to you, we will HEAR you & we will offer you a shoulder to cry on & words of advice from our experiences. We will NEVER judge you or blame YOU! You have received good advice already - focus on yourself, work on employment & education, counseling for yourself. These are very tough choices you HAVE to make & you are not feeling strong enough to complete those choices. Please remember if loving someone enough, helping someone enough, argue, threaten, yell, cry, plead, offer every piece of your heart & soul helps an addict, all of our loved ones would be clean & sober. Maybe seeing you standing strong & getting better yourself MAY help him, but it might not. But now you have to start your healing. Where do you want to be in 5 years? For every broken promise, you've reassured him that it's ok - you will tolerate that behavior. He doesn't have to change, because you'll still be there. Good luck to you, it's a hard road. Please feel free to vent any time you want

This post has been edited by mtnmom on September 18, 2020, 7:51 PM
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Posted: September 19, 2020, 12:02 AM


Posts: 199
Joined: November 10, 2019



Welcome totti and sorry to hear of your circumstances. I think living with a partner with an addiction is a compromised life. Its very limited in so many ways. Life becomes a tolerance and there is no living really. Life evolves around them. Everything evolves around them. Its a vicious cycle...and not a good one.

If you took all the time and energy you spend on him and apply it to yourself things would feel and look a whole lot better. We lose ourselves and have to find ourselves again and start living. Life's a gift and we need to make the most of each day and not waste it. I hope you know you are worth putting yourself first and you deserve happiness and all the positive things in life.

This post has been edited by Sallyana on September 19, 2020, 11:43 AM
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Posted: September 19, 2020, 12:09 PM


Posts: 236
Joined: December 21, 2018



Hello totti. Sorry to hear about your situation but it's not uncommon.

Keep in mind addicts/alkies work hard at fooling people to hide their addiction and still get favors from people. I wouldn't hold out hope for the old boy friend because you might not even know what that is. His own gratification is his priority not you. And you mentioned fights. Things can escalate over time and/or in an instant with an addict. Stay safe and get away if.

The big thing as noted is make yourself independent ie get educated and/or a job. Don't become dependent on him or anyone else like he is on chemicals.

Stay safe and on your own. You are the salvage operation now, not him.

Peace
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