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Message Board > Recovery Diaries > Feeling Like There's No End

Posted by: ellemayification November 2, 2014, 1:31 AM
I am a 21 year old university student on suboxone. I got introduced to hydromorph when I was 17 by my boyfriend/best friend of 5 years. His brother taught us how to IV and supplied us drugs for a few months for free. I didn't think it was that easy to get hooked but after 3 days of using, I stopped and at the time I was working full time and going to school full time, I didn't expect to get as sick I did. I didn't see any choice then but to keep using till I had a couple weeks to be able to stay in bed and detox. Well that was easier said then done. I was a functioning addict and managed to keep my job and stay on the honors role in university for 2 years although I sold everything I owned and spent all my savings on drugs. I had tried methadone twice but the doctors could never accommodate my school and work schedule so I kept relapsing. Not to mention how tired it made me I couldn't stay awake in class or at work. After awhile people finally started to notice and I got evicted from my place and lost my job. I ended up dropping out of school half way through my first semester in 3rd year and became homeless.
At this point I was introduced to crystal meth by a guy I met on the street. We started dating and he took care of me drug wise at least. He was abusive and gave me Hep C on purpose by putting one his dirty needles in my personal kit. He thought that by doing that I would think no one would ever want me since I had hep C so he wouldn't have to worry about me leaving him. After 7 months of living on the street being abused by him, pan-handling every day and doing a lot of crystal, I was 80 pounds and started to have seizures. My family at this point wasn't talking to me and I was completely alone but I knew if I didn't want to die I had to figure something out. I got on a bus and showed up at my original boyfriends house (the one whose brother introduced me to opiates). I stopped using crystal and got on methadone again but he was still using. I ended up getting into some legal trouble while going to pick up drugs for him and ended up in jail for awhile. My mom stepped up after 3 years of not hearing from her and bailed me out in April of this year. I've been living at her place ever since. When I got out of jail I switched to suboxone, dealt with my court issues and enrolled back into university. Its now my 3rd month back into school but I'm extremely stressed out and I am struggling to not relaspe since I know I can't and its not that I want to I just feel like this cycle is never going to end and I can't get the memory of how opiates made me feel- no stress, no pain, no depression. I'm physically and mentally exhausted.
To top it all of, my old boyfriends brother contacted me 2 nights ago to tell me he now has HIV and that I need to go get tested. Additionally, the suboxone is giving me really unpleasant side effects; anxiety, depression, insomnia, lack of appetite and ability to concentrate, head aches, excessive sweating and warmth especially when doing any physical activity even walking and at night time. I don't talk to anyone, or want to go out anymore. I feel weak, unmotivated and everything I used to do like read, yoga, hang out with friends, I don't enjoy anymore. It is getting really hard to do this everyday while maintaining my school and hep C, staying sober and now I have to worry about having HIV. A lot of my friends have passed away from drug use and my old friends won't speak to me.
I'm not expecting anyone to read this, it's more just to get what I'm thinking written down since my anxiety and depression has been really bad lately. I feel so stupid fro ever getting myself into all of this and that I've ruined any chance of ever having a normal life and a family. I don't know what I'd do if I found out if I was HIV positive on top of all of this. I know a lot of people have it a lot worse then I do- I used to be there. but no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm doing the right thing and I just need to be patient, it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm sick of crying, laying in bed watching TV for hours, staying in every night, not talking to anyone but my mom maybe once a week since she is never at home and waking up every morning realizing it's not a dream.