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Posts: 1
Joined: February 16, 2017
Posted: February 16, 2017, 5:09 AM
Hi everyone. I'm new to the site. I;m currently expiring some issues with my mother. Well first,
I am the daughter of a lifelong Crackhead. Some background information. By the time I was five I had been in foster care, lived with a family member who abused me as well as friends of my mother's, all due to her addiction to crack cocaine. She was never able to take properly care of my siblings and I. She short times that she had custody of us, we were often did not have sufficient food. She'd leave for weekends at a time, leaving me alone with a 9 year old and a one year old, again with no food. This occurred when I was in my teens. I was finally taken in for good by a family member. She raised me into adulthood. As I was being raised by my family member my mother was a homeless crack head for about 15 years. As soon as I turned 18, I went looking for her on the streets (prior to this I was not allowed contact with her). I can't recall the number of times I would go looking for her and couldn't find her. It always left me wondering if she were dead or alive. It angered me because I felt hat other 18 years old were not forced to have to do this. But I was. It was the reality of my life. She within the last few years as gotten off the streets and has her own place to live. She has expressed her desire to patch our relationship (if you could even call it that). I have struggled a long time with building a relationship with her as my anger for her not being in my life and I felt she did not deserve it. Well in an attempt to work on it we had begun family counseling. we had a session earlier this week. Due to her anxiety she blows my phone up asking for specifics with any engagement we have planned(i.e: doctor's appointment, seasons etc.). Well, I didn't her from her the day of, which was weird. So, in my mind, I already knew something was up. I arrive at her apartment and knock on the door. She's calls out for me to identify myself. As soon as she spoke I knew she had been using because her voice changes. I asked her to answer the door and not to leave me on the doorstep. She never came to the door but called out stating she would call me. I felt so hurt the she would leave me on the doorstep like a stray dog. I told her never mind giving me a call because I'm done with her. This is the second time she rejected me ever so harshly within a short period of time. The second was for her crack using sex offender boyfriend who she chose over me because I told her I will not be in her life is she chooses to be with him. Despite that situation and the fact that she had not been in my life, decided to give her another chance and she rejects me again. I am at a loss. se has a pacemaker due her years of use and almost died from a procedure gone wrong when getting a lobe of her lung removed due to lung cancer. She was on life support for a little over a month. We didn't know if she would make it. Unbeknownst to me, she used just 4 months after the life support incident. And now she is at it again. She has really put me through the ringer. I only in the late 20's and I fell older then I am. I really tired of it. My plan is to try to not let her back in my life. She has done too much damage to my self esteem, self worth and life. Not to mention the stress she has put me under. However, I'm not sure I cam pull this off. I've never had a mother and I have alway longed for one. She has kept me hostage all my life. I just want to be happy and really in order to do that I would need to cut off contact. Has anyone cute off their drug addicted loved one completely? How do you make sure as to "not got back"? | ||
Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: February 16, 2017, 9:46 AM
Loving welcome MDR. So sorry that your life has been affected by drugs but so happy you found us.
Your story brought tears to my eyes. Here's a hug. You are the poster child for how addiction affects children. Not as a victim. . .but as a victor. I don't know if you are a spiritual or religious person. But I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Nothing is wasted. The things you have suffered . . . the things you have cried about . . .your being shuffled from home to home . . .everything . . . is designed for you to help somebody else. You will be able to tell them "This is how you make it in this environment. I've been there myself. I know you can make it because I made it." The other thing I want to say before addressing your specific question is that you are one hell of a strong lady. Very resilient. Very special. All I can say is that you are a hell of a woman! God bless. I usually tell folks to detach or disengage with love. That means, in Lynn-ese, that you maintain contact with your addict . . .you continue to love them . . .but with a long handled spoon. . .so that you remain in control of what you have control over, namely you. But I think things are totally different when your addict is your mom. (My addict is my daughter. Forever 21) My best friend's biological mom was a heroin addict. She started my friend (call my friend "Susie") smoking weed at 3 or 4 yo bc Mama thought it was cute. Her mom sold Susie to some drug dealers so mom could get more drugs. Susie was there for a couple of weeks, too. Need I go on??! Susie had no relationship with her bio mom. No letters. No calls. No cards. No nothing. Zilch. Nada. I''ve known Susie for 25 years and have never seen a picture of her mother. Susie acknowledged that her bio mom "existed" (her word, not mine) but that was it. When her bio mom passed, Susie acted like "Have some milk & cookies." No big deal. No tears. She didn't even go to the funeral. I've asked Susie how she did this. Susie said first and foremost you must accept . . .really and truly accept . . .that your mom is ill . . .that your mom has an addiction. It is nothing personal. It is not becasue you are not a loving or loveable child. Please read on this board, "Will You Learn to Say No . . .Letter from Addict." She said you have to accept that your mom can not help herself . . .or isn't ready to. And then let go . . .live your life. She didn't use these words but she made this (to quote a very wise person) "her mom's monkey. . .her mom's show." And exited stage left. Hope this is helpful, Lynn xoxo This post has been edited by hurtingmom on February 16, 2017, 7:40 PM -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: February 17, 2017, 10:25 PM
Hi Mdr, I'm really sorry you had such a rotten childhood. You should stop letting her torture you now and try to make a good life for yourself without her in it. Nothing you did caused your mom to be this way. But it will eat away at you if you let it and stop you from having any happiness in your life. Leave the past in the past. No one gets to pick who they are related too. Look at most of us on this website we all hurt! I hurt because my daughter has been on drugs for 18 yrs...heroin,crack/cocaine. If I could move away I would. But I can't because I'm raising my grand daughter and I could never leave her to go back with her mother and I can't move out of state with her or I'd get the jail. My advice to you would be to move somewhere and make new memories for yourself. There's nothing you can do about your past and none of it was your fault but from now on you can do a lot about your future! Your the one responsible for your happiness now, today!! If I was you I wouldn't let your mother steal your future from you too. That belongs to you! Don't let any chance of happiness get away from you this time!!! Don't let your rotten childhood screw up what happiness awaits you in the life you can make for yourself. When you needed your mother she wasn't there for you and still isn't. Don't waste your life away waiting anymore. Your an adult now and your in charge of how your story ends. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings as it's not my intention. You deserve so much happiness and it's out there waiting for you. Don't look back anymore and don't get stuck in the misery that drug abuse causes. Move on as only you can!! God bless Mary.💛
This post has been edited by Mandm on February 17, 2017, 10:33 PM | ||
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Posted: February 18, 2017, 9:25 AM
Lynn,
I know, sometimes when you think you have it together, one little thing pops up and destroys all those push down hurts. Tomorrow is J's birthday he will be 36, I so wish to celebrate with him. I know I will never see my son again, alive anyway. Right now he calls every couple of weeks. Keeps me updated. He has a job , roof over his head. His g/f has a car which he bought. So he is functioning. Says he is sober, but I know that isn't true. You just don't quit. I come on and read post for reinforcement, that I did right but stop enabling him when I did. He went through hell, well we both did. But in the end he ended up doing what he wanted. Still on the run, still with a warrant on his head. But it's not my call anymore. I can't do it. So remember you did what was best for you at the time. It will always hurt but eventually it will become numb. Remember the good times, I do :) Hugs to you lady. Sue | ||
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