Lost - Humiliated - Please Help
Posted: April 12, 2017, 12:00 AM


Posts: 79
Joined: April 11, 2017



This is the worst. The WORST. My husband took his life when my little boy was almost ten and my little girl was three. I did everything, EVERYTHING I possibly could to give them a joyful childhood. I immediately got my son into grief therapy, child grief groups, kept him active in sports, attended every school event, went on family vacations....He was the most loving, thoughtful, kind, generous kid ever and I was so proud. SOOO proud. He graduated high school with a scholarship and I screamed and cried my pride when he walked across that stage.

August 29, 2016, everything changed. My son is a monster. He has no will to live, he's on drugs, lost his scholarship, has stolen from me, he's lost every important relationship in his life because of his uncontrolled rage. I feel like the worst mom ever. I used to be so proud, used to brag about my son. Now I'm so humiliated, so ashamed, so embarrassed. Help me. Help me.
  Top
Posted: April 12, 2017, 12:12 AM


Posts: 64
Joined: February 3, 2015



You have come to the right place. I share your feelings, and pain. Please read other posts, and you will find that your story is like many of ours. ALANON meetings are helpful, and reading posts is helpful. When I am having a hard day, or night, can't sleep, etc... I get on here and read, read and read. It helps me put things in perspective. It shows me that I am not alone. It helps me realize I have no control over my son's addiction and life choices.
Sombra
  Top
Posted: April 12, 2017, 8:26 AM


Posts: 637
Joined: April 4, 2016



Loving welcome HMH . . . so very sorry that you need us . . .so glad that you found us.

Here's a hug . . .yes, your baby's addiction can and will affect everyone in the family . . .what you are feeling is normal . . . we have all felt like you have . . .lost, humiliated, frustrated and powerless . . .especially as we recall how beautiful our pre-addict kids are. . .and see how ugly (inside and outside) they become when using & abusing drugs. I bet if we took a poll right now, most of us parents, no matter how long our child has been an addict, would say we still feel lost and frustrated and powerless. Why??? Because we don't have control over them or their choices . . .and we all want our pre-addict babies back.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. We did our best to raise our daughter . . .she had private schools, boarding schools, church, Girl Scouts, cheerleading, piano, summer sleepaway camp . . .in short . . .she had everything but a polo pony, a debutante ball and summers in Europe. My daughter did have addiction issues (pills & alcohol) as a freshman and sophomore in high school. We sent her to a therapeutic boarding school . . .and she was "cured". She excelled her last year and a half of high school and got a college scholarship. She did very very well her first semester in college . . .got an A- GPA . . .then she met heroin. Her grades gradually slipped . . .her second semester she got a B . . .despite all of our talking and encouraging and threatening and talking about deferred gratification . . .despite the fact that we found an addiction psychiatrist who put her on Suboxone . . ..naively, we thought she was "cured" . . . ok, that may too strong of a word . . .we thought she was functional and functioning . . . but semester after semester her grades dropped so that by her fifth semester she had a D- average. . .and we were done. We brought her home. Boy . . .was I embarrassed??!! How do we explain her dropping out & losing her scholarship . . .especially when we come from a long line of folks that hold doctorate degrees . . .are pillars of the community (my dad was minister in one of the largest churches in our state)???? That was January 2016. She came home and her addiction spiraled . . .out of control. . .no matter what we said or did, what detoxes/rehabs she went to, whether she stayed home in the Northeast or moved to FL, or how many meetings she or I attended, or how much we loved her. It took a while . . .but I learned I had absolutely no control here!!!

Yes . . .she stole from me, hubby, her grandfather (my dad) and Lord knows who else . . .pawned all my jewelry, including my wedding band . . .took pictures of my credit & debit cards and happily charged away . . .and this was when we were paying her rent or she was living with us . . .in either case we were giving her an allowance plus paying for her phone. I get it . . .and I'm so sorry that you are hurting and feel responsible.

Please chant the 3 C's: I didn't cause this; I can't control this and I can't cure this. Please read on this board . . .start with "Ways Family Members Can Help." Get as much information about addiction as you can. Get as much support as you can . . .from us . . .at Naranon or Alanon meetings (where you can get real hugs) . . .there are Facebook pages too . . .The Addicts Mom is one I know. YOU ARE NOT ALONE . . .and more importantly . . .YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE . . .

Sending more hugs,
Lynn
xoxo

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on April 12, 2017, 9:56 AM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
  Top
Posted: April 12, 2017, 6:07 PM


Posts: 79
Joined: April 11, 2017



Thank you, Sombra and Hurtingmom (Lynn). Your words were so incredibly helpful to me. I feel so lost and frustrated because it seems like everything I did to be a good mom and to always be present for my children was for nothing. My son even tells me that it did make a difference. But what difference? I have a child with no will to live and who can say the cruelest words I've ever heard. I didn't raise him this way.

Lynn, thank you. I've heard of the three Cs. It's just so hard for me to accept that I couldn't have done SOMETHING better as a mom. What could I have missed? It's difficult because I'm a teacher and often we don't have to look much further than the parents to find out why a child is the way they are. Ok...I didn't cause this. I can't control this. I can't cure this. I have to let him go to make his own choices. So hard. It probably is time for Alanon or Naranon. Or counseling?
  Top
Posted: April 12, 2017, 6:55 PM


Posts: 79
Joined: April 11, 2017



Can you help me find "Ways Family Members Can Help"? Hurting mom, you referenced it in your post.
  Top
Posted: April 12, 2017, 11:03 PM


Posts: 637
Joined: April 4, 2016



HMP . . .I bumped up Ways Family Members Can Help.

Remember . . .Even if you were the worst parent in the world . . .even if you chronically neglected your child, left him alone, beat him, starved him, and insulted him . . .even if you are an addict . . . you’re still not to blame for your kid’s drug addiction. It was ultimately HIS decision to start using drugs (or alcohol). You didn't force anything down your child’s throat (or up his nose, into his arm, etc). In fact, I'm sure, that like all of us, you did everything you could to love, support, feed and clothe your son. And, I'm sure you tried to be both mom & dad to fill the void left by your hubby's suicide. Yet, your son (and my daughter) still ended up with an addiction. This is no more your fault than if he was to come down with appendicitis. . .or cancer . . .

I believe in therapists!!! I consider them to be paid-for but impartial friends who have to listen to me b**ch and moan!! LOL. I was able to find one that specialized in helping families of addicts. I enjoyed the one-on-one time . . .but supplemented with Naranon meetings to meet other parents . . .and I came here.

Hang in there HMP . . .pray . . .and let go and let God.

Hugs,
Lynn
xoxo

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
  Top
Posted: April 19, 2017, 12:30 AM


Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016



Thanks, Lynn, for the post. So true.

Wishing everyone peace.

  Top
Posted: April 21, 2017, 10:25 PM


Posts: 304
Joined: August 3, 2016



I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have a 21 year son who will do any drug
He gets his hands on...meth, heroin,PCP today,etc
It's awful. He's from a living family. His dad passed 2 yrs ago so he has never
Dealt with that plus he has depression and anxiety. He's been to over 13 rehabs and
Sober living homes. I can't fix him ..I know that now. I keep praying for him to hit
His rock bottom but I just don't know.
Just pray
God has a plan
Hugs and Prayers
Paula
  Top
Posted: April 24, 2017, 4:20 PM


Posts: 79
Joined: April 11, 2017



Paula, I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Sounds so much like mine. I believe my son's biggest addiction is alcohol, but he's tried many other things as well - xanax, pain pills, and I recently found out he tried cocaine. My son also has severe anxiety and depression. I can't help him. It's absolutely devastating, as I can tell is the experience of everyone here.

He's away for the summer visiting family and is supposed to turn his life around, but I'm not feeling very hopeful. He is not moving back home when he gets back here and I can't imagine where he will go since he has lost all relationships in his life except family in another state. And I imagine that will blow up.

So when he comes home, I guess I have to let him be homeless? He has nowhere to go.
  Top
Posted: April 24, 2017, 5:01 PM


Posts: 79
Joined: April 11, 2017



Forgot to add that my son's very favorite addiction is actually marijuana. He's quitting in order to find work, supposedly. He's been off for almost two weeks. But substituting alcohol has been much, much worse. The marijuana made him lazy and do nothing, but the alcohol unleashes a beast like I've never seen.
  Top
Posted: April 24, 2017, 7:17 PM


Posts: 1716
Joined: June 27, 2016



That sounds awful. but it does sound like he is trying. And I know where you are coming from. You've been there, done that, and dont want to be dealing with it (him) again!

First - find Naranon or Alanon in your area. do some research on sober living homes either where he is or in your area, or where ever he lands a job. if he gets a job, you want him living as close to work as possible so he does not need a car, he can take public or walk or bicycle.

When I was in Naranon, IF someone had to have their addicted loved one come back home, they were to set up a short contract. Curfew time, no drugs or alcohol in house or being used while living in your house. money is sometimes an issue when recovering. they cant manage it. it is too tempting to get a pay check.... one person had a family friend manage her son's money. direct deposit and give him allotment for the week for work and expenses. (we are at this point w our son) some would say not to be controlling their money, but we've been down that path, our son cant hold cash for more than 24 hours! so this week, I am doling it out. It for his own good too. I'm just thinking I have to make him learn to be independent from us. he is OK and compliant about it.

example at Naranon, there was a woman who's brother came back to area to get back on his feet. Her contract to him was: get a job in first month, get a car in second month (or transportation to go to work, get out in third month. He found a sober living home. the contract was clear and simple.

Look at the resources here at top of website. keep googling and find sober living in your area if he is going to come back. this puts his responsibility on his plate. you do not have to be the addiction police or enforce anything. keep it clean. this is mine, that is yours.

have the talk with him before hand. often, if they are not serious, they will not take you up on the offer of moving back home w these rules.

tell him he needs to learn to be independent. you wont be around forever. you want to enjoy your life and you want him to have a good life too, and be able to take care of him self later in life.

hope this helps!

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 24, 2017, 7:19 PM
  top of page  Top