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Posted: August 23, 2011, 9:01 PM
Wow....cant believe I am sitting here actually doing this. Posting my issues to...well...what I hope wont be strangers but some sort of support. I just turned 36, and like most, thought of my life as pretty "normal" up till I got married 2 years ago. Things were PERFECT, he was prefect, WE were perfect. Until one day I looked in the mirror and for some reason I just didnt see PERFECT anymore. I began to pick myself apart....starting with my hair, face, breast size, weight, feet, you name it I was thinking of ways to change it. So I started with breast implants in Nov 2009, and that is where it started. My Doc prescribed a low dose Oxy , which I had NEVER heard of till then, and was told to take as needed for pain. Backing up some....I also have feet problems but really after 10 years have just grown used to the pain. Anyway, I took as needed but then I realized that HEY...my feet arent hurting either!!! OMG!!!! So I doubled what was prescribed...not thinking of the damage I was doing. Well, like everything, the pills ran out...................................................Here is where my husband comes into this.
He has had multiple MAJOR surgeries and gets some of the STRONGEST pills out there (OXY, ROXY, ETC.). What the hell right?! What is a few gone from his stash...he wont notice. I started to take 1-2 ROXY a week just to keep the pain from my feet away (these were 40 MG ROXY and no, I didnt ask, MISTAKE 1). I couldnt figure out why the pain was still there after 1 or 2 a week so my STEALING went to 1-2 a DAY. THAT did the trick......2 40MG ROXY A DAY?! REALLY?! Who cared at that point...pain was gone and I would just LIE (I NEVER LIED TO MY HUSBAND! EVER!!) This kept on for......READY......1-1/2 YEARS and on top of that, my husband calling me out and I still LIED to HIS FACE!!!! I drove the ONLY man who vowed to spend the REST of his life with me INSANE!!!!!!! One night I THOUGHT he was in the shower I ran to the dresser and took his car keys (that was his hiding place)...on my way back in...there he stood. So here I am now......an addict. HE knows I am an addict. MY FAMILY knows I am an addict. MY WORK knows I am an addict. NOW yall do...........................I want to be back to that beautiful woman I started out to be.........please talk to me. | ||
Posted: August 23, 2011, 9:08 PM
well, sounds like you are off to a good start, at a good place, with good people...they will help you
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Posted: August 23, 2011, 9:26 PM
Thank you...I am scared. I dont want to destroy my marriage! Every morning I wake up thinking "If I can just FIND one more...I will stop"...ITS NOT MINE TO TAKE!!! Why is that SO hard for me absorb?!
He is reaching out to me and wants to help anyway he can. I just dont want to accept that cause I have done so much damage.....The HIs and LOWs are killing me. FYI I am only 27 days clean..... | ||
Posted: August 23, 2011, 9:36 PM
sounds as if your husband is very supportive, that is a very lucky thing, 27 days is pretty darned good, i am from the family board but we all wander lol and i wanted you to know others in your shoes will be here with helpful information
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Posted: August 23, 2011, 9:51 PM
Yeah, they'll be around sooner or later, usually mornings are good for PP board, and some folks may be away on a last summer fling. Welcome to the boards and you are honestly not one bit worse in what you did than most of these good people here...the addiction turns you into someone you wouldn't recognize, but hey, you're working on getting back to your better self...that's all any of us can do...dust ourselves off and try again.
I am also from the Family board, but didn't want you to feel too alone here with you stuff all hanging out... Peace ~ MomNMore -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate. | ||
Posted: August 23, 2011, 10:00 PM
thank you as well....... I just want to see that I am NOT alone...I am NOT crazy and I WILL get thru this!!! I have SO much to live for! Most of all , a man who loves me for me.....I have hurt him deeper than anybody possibly could. Now is my chance to prove what a wonderful Wife I am.........look forward to hearing feedback from others <3
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Posted: August 23, 2011, 10:47 PM
Unfortunately, your not alone, not by a long shot.. I say unfortunately because there are SO many of us in this situation. I remember coming here years ago kinda in the same situation your in with tears rolling down my face because I realized I wasnt the only one. It is kinda of comforting. And guess what? Your at day 27 and the Highs and Lows will start going away soon. You can be happy again, trust me. It doesnt feel like now, I know, but time heals the brain, you just have to want it and get there,,any way you can.
Regards, Tom | ||
Posted: August 24, 2011, 4:31 AM
If you already have been completely clean for 27 days,the physical effect of detox should be minimal.The real battle,and many will concur the hardest,are the psychological or mental issues after detoxing.
You were very up front about some of those in your original post.Looking at yourself one day and deciding that life wasn't fullfillingi.e,making superficial changes that might make a difference but obviously didn't.I don't believe and never have that drug addiction/alcoholism is serendipitous.Throughout my addiction I would make these life altering decisions that I was convinced would cure me but always failed to....[making geographical changes,altering physical appearances,finding the perfect partner etc.] Sometimes I would stay clean for a period of time but eventually I had to look inside and nothing had changed.I simply kept reinforcing a very obstinate denial system. You can spend your whole life dancing with that partner or make the really tough choice of getting to the root of the problem.I went the 12 step route and did therapy but today we live in an era where many alternatives are available.Addiction is an industry today and many have the same message.I don't believe that all this garbage inside of us magically goes away when we stop using.Actually,it just becomes more visceral and either we find a new addiction or revert back to the destructive behavior which is most familiar. I believe you are in an enviable position right now.You are not dealing with weeks or months of being physically sick and it sounds like you caught this at a relatively early stage.The time is now to address this and become proactive in finding help.I can guarantee you that it will get worse and each time you relapse,the withdrawl symptoms increase exponentially,especially as you age.Many on this board will attest to that.At some point it will then be a terrifying proposition when one is faced with the prospect of withdrawing.In later stages of addiction,long term therapy on a drug maintenace program is the only option for many. Welcome. This post has been edited by Tim on August 24, 2011, 4:53 AM -------------------- "Sometimes the biggest catch will bite you in the a**" | ||
Posted: August 24, 2011, 9:44 AM
What Tim said.
Hi and welcome! Welcome to a group of people who are just like you! You stole pills from your husband? Tsk tsk, some of us have stolen them from dying Grandparents. I've know people who robbed pharmacies or forged prescriptions. I stole from my husband too. I was an expert at it. He gets in the shower and I could be in and out of his bottle in seconds without making a sound. LOL, and then I had the nerve to ask him for some afterwards. 27 days! Good for you! Now you need to protect yourself and your sobriety and that is very difficult if one white knuckles it. Don't do that. Go to an AA/NA meeting. Get phone numbers. FInd a sponsor. Work the steps. This is not the hard way, this is the easy way. For me it was the only way. When I did it alone I failed. Over and over I failed. And hey, if husband still has meds in the house he needs to get them out. Too tempting for you. One day you will be overcome with the desire to take one and knowing where they are you will. Protect yourself. Best wishes. xxxooo -------------------- Love, Kat God determines who walks into your life; it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go. | ||
Posted: August 24, 2011, 10:39 AM
NS2012,
Have you ever seen Winnie the Pooh? you know the part where tigger comes in and he sees himself in the mirror. He is quite shocked when he sees the reflection. He says something to the effect "I thought I was the only one?" You are not the only one. I was so happy to find this place you see you can do it without help, but I don't know why you would want to. There is strength in numbers. We can help you feel so not alone. WELCOME! Like Kat says. There are quite a few of us who have stolen, lied, and generally done things we would not normally do. But the good thing is we can forgive ourselves and try to do something different with our lives now that we discovered what we don't want to do any more. What are you doing now to stay clean? Do you have some face to face support? Come back and share some more. Love, Jane This post has been edited by justjane on August 24, 2011, 10:40 AM -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
Posted: August 25, 2011, 12:22 AM
Hi all!
Wow....ya'll have NO idea how nice it was to open this site up and see all of the warm messages! Honestly, I wasn't really sure if I would get any feedback.....silly,but true. After reading all of your stories I didn't feel alone for the first time in awhile! It still doesnt erase the deep pit I have in my chest but it was nice to feel my heart beat again. Well, I was asked what I was doing for recovery.....to be honest........nothing. I guess I am still trying to figure out how I even got here to begin with ?! One minute I was a fitness feign and the next I was trying to figure out where I was going to steal my next pill!! All in less than 2 years....time flies huh. My husband recommended I go for "help"........the first thing out of my mouth was" I DONT NEED HELP"?! REALLY?! How many have said that and ended up screwing up again?! Should I seek professional therapy?? The only thing that is really bothering me are the EXTREME emotional highs and lows.....depression.....lack of energy.....craving carbs & sugar (ALL of which I was ANTI before my excessive use of pills). The last thing I want to be is a crying, fat, blubbering mess!! Today was a good day......I am less than a week out from my first foot surgery and to be honest....a little nervous. I know the the doctor is going to prescribe pain meds. Probably NOTHING compared to what I was doing but still...I think I am going to gie them to my husband and have him put them WAY up and give them to me as needed. I appreciate everyone opening up their hearts to me....a complete stranger. I will take all recommendations, criticisms, stories, etc VERY serious. Just in the last 48 hours I feel like I am making a little progress....I am "talking" versus keeping my secret in. Thank you again.....Good Night | ||
Posted: August 25, 2011, 9:59 AM
Surgery so soon...ouch, that's a scary one.
You seriously need some f2f support to get through this. Pain meds will probably wake the beast and that's no fun. Imagine this scenerio. Omg, my foot hurts, husband give me something for it, oh man, that feeling, I love it. Not hurting he doesn't know that. I need another, please, I'm in terrible pain. Ah, even better. Okay, let's see, I need what from the store? Oh yes, milk, I'm dying for it. Oh good, he's gone. Now I can hobble in and grab a few. He won't count them and if he does I haven't even gotten off of the couch, how could he blame me? I'll be very insulted if he does. And guess what? The beast is alive and well. You need back up support here. Honest answer, okay? Is some part of you looking forward to this surgery? Kind of like a free pass? If so I can tell you, been there, done that...doesn't end nicely. xxxoooo -------------------- Love, Kat God determines who walks into your life; it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go. | ||
Posted: August 25, 2011, 10:50 AM
If you want to stay off the roller coaster, get honest with your doctor BEFORE the surgery. Tell him you're an addict in recovery. Someone else will need to hold your pills for you and the dr should only prescribe a small amount at a time so that you are accountable. Unfortunately, we may have to take pain medicine at some point in our lives but it is a slippery slope for most of us. I went to treatment for 30 days, was clean approx 6 months and then had to have major surgery, girl stuff, I was off and running with the first script. Thought I could handle it, didn't ask for help. I relpased that day. It took another 4 years to get clean again.
Your husband has to be very vigiliant with his meds too. A lock box, something where you can't have access and be tempted. It will be a very long time if ever, that you'll feel safe around pain pills again. Welcome to the board..look forward to hearing more from you. -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||
Posted: August 25, 2011, 6:35 PM
Reading your last two posts really got my heart racing! Ya'll couldnt of been in my mind any deeper! That is EXACTLY what I am afraid will happen!!! I can see it all playing out like a BAD movie. He went and purchased a mini safe as well as a huge vault safe. At first I was SOOOO offended, WHAT he doesnt trust my word when I say I wont do it again?!?! HAHAHAHAH joke is on me huh. TRUST, well friends....I blew that WWAAAAYYYY out of the water. I can see him watch my every move. WHY do I get so angry?? I am the one that caused this mess! I guess that is the mental damage I have done. I agree with both, I am going to give my husband the script to keep. As far as my doctor goes, my husband made me come clean the FIRST visit!!! I was SOOOO embarrassed. I am glad he did it tho cause it was really the first time I had told a complete "stranger". I think hearing myself tell people how messed up I have been lately is really helping in some strange way. Again, both are right in that I need some F2F time....just dont know where to start on that one. Ideas? Is this something my County has or do I just walk into a hospital and say "Help?!"...sorry, dont mean to joke like that. I guess I feel if I dont laugh I am going to drown myself in tears.
Well, today was another good day. I have added another "thank you" to my list of things I feel blessed about. I finally have a outlet here........thank you. Next step, talking to a LIVE person........baby steps. Have a wonderful night ALL xxoo | ||
Posted: August 25, 2011, 6:39 PM
Hope today is better than last.
I too hid my problem from my wife and understand completely. First time around, I got caught and second time around I made it through the withdrawals (I think) undetected (ish). That made absolutely no sense. Speaking from a husband's point of view, although I obviously don't know you're husband, I submit he'll forgive you no question. This is a bump in the road and if you stay completely honest, time will undoubtedly heal this. This is a perfect time to speak to a doctor, therapist etc. If not now then when? I'm somewhere over a month clean now and that empty, disconnected feeling has subsided greatly. It'll pass for you real soon. Concentrate on how good it is to be free of lying, stealing and living with chains around you. You're free today! Be well and good luck. -------------------- "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." #99 | ||
Posted: August 26, 2011, 12:39 PM
First of all, you need to understand that you are not a BAD person. And through your posts that is how you are protraying yourself. You have a disease. You're lucky that you have your husband on board to help you be honest, it's good practice, do it more. You'll be amazed at how much better you feel about your self when you tell the truth. Yes, your addiction has caused alot of problems but you aren't the cause of everything..work on you and stop taking on everybody else's crap as your own.
Trust is huge in a marriage..I didn't tell my husband the first 400 times, then I had too. I was honest with our family doctor and he took it out of my hands and called my husband to tell him he was sending me to treatment. I was so relieved. I didn't have to hide anymore. I also had to work on getting over that shame..I was sick, not evil. Now the shoe is on the other foot and my husband is the one with a problem..too bad for him, I'm an addict in recovery and there was no bs'ing me.. -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||
Posted: August 27, 2011, 7:33 PM
I know how you feel. Except, I have 2 small kids and don't know how I will ever quit because they need me 24/7. I have to be "OK" to function. I feel so "stuck" because I want to get off the pills to be a better -clear minded Mom, but can't find any way to get through the withdrawls while having 2 kids. I just smile as I feel defeated. It really does hurt underneath my fake smiles. I wish you the very best. Stay strong..you have one life. Make it a good one! (((hugs)))
~Pippa |
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