Crisis Update
Posted: January 25, 2020, 11:55 AM


Posts: 1698
Joined: June 27, 2016





If they just went to work and/or school and were responsible for themselves, they could live with us, no problem.... trouble is that they don't want to. It is complicated! We can all see examples of those who have dug themselves out of the addiction cycle. It takes determination and the want to work on yourself. we can see that in those who succeed.

a common personality trait we have seen in addiction is that sometimes they don't have a passion for something that out weighs the want to get high. some do find something and it changes their life. People live all kinds of life-styles and make it work. idk why our addicted loved ones cant make something work for them.... just boils down to the addiction. time and $ spent wasted on nothing. I feel sad that my son has wasted many years and has only a duffle bag of clothes and boxes of childhood memories.

Another learning experience for me! Time to dust off, put up the boundaries, stop wasting my time, and focus on me!

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 26, 2020, 9:17 AM
  Top
Posted: January 26, 2020, 9:45 PM


Posts: 1698
Joined: June 27, 2016



Silly me I forgot to buckle up for the roller coaster ride! Wheeee!

We plummeted down the hill a few days ago, now we are slowly inching our way up the next hill...
my son called. he has been in a shelter at night and participating in low income, homeless programs that will find housing and jobs. the good news 1. I now believe he does have the part time job. 2. the housing program was able to put him in a hotel room to live in starting today. in a few months he will be eligible for a housing voucher that will help pay for rent. 3. the hotel is near a strip of stores - home depot, target - that he will see if he can get part time job there. He will also do the uber deliveries when he can. 4. he already sounds better.
  Top
Posted: January 29, 2020, 12:46 AM


Posts: 190
Joined: November 10, 2019



I hope he continues to do well NTF....it is an up and down. Sometimes things seem somewhat going in the right direction then chaos strikes (in my experience with my daughter). Their thought processes and points of reference are skewed due to the drugs and their stunted maturity. It's very sad to me to watch the deterioration process of my daughter. As time goes by, for her, it's gotten worse and worse. I'm not trying to be depressing, it's the reality of her addiction, as hard as I wish it wasn't.
  Top
Posted: February 2, 2020, 6:15 PM


Posts: 1698
Joined: June 27, 2016



Sallyanna your right. My sons environment is filled w ups and downs. Similar to your daughters situation a few months ago... she had an apartment and somewhat of a job. Then, gone in a blink. My son now has a part time job at a recovery center. Small paycheck but enough to pay phone and more than he has had in 3 months. He was able to move to a ‘homeless’ hotel... but it is an hour from his job on public transportation. And he has an old room mate with awful hygiene and health problems. He got his first pay check... I heard from him on pay day... excited! Now I hear nothing... I plan to not answer my phone this week.

His job is a 3 month internship. Then maybe permanent. He said there are 5 of them in an internship. He thinks he will get the permanent job bc they like him so much... but what he doesn’t realize is that someone is watching... being in that business I’m sure nothing goes unnoticed. Too tired one day, too energized the next, lateness... I don’t think he understand that people see what’s going on. You can tell if a person is genuine. It is sad, I hope he does not think he can live on the fence, half in, half out but that is what he has been doing for years, so I will be happy if something changes.. but not surprised if ‘all of a sudden, for no reason of his own doing ‘ looses the job, disappointed. The shame is that he does not seem to see how long it took him to get to this point. I wish I wasn’t thinking this way!!

How is your daughter doing?

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 2, 2020, 6:27 PM
  Top
Posted: February 2, 2020, 7:37 PM


Posts: 190
Joined: November 10, 2019



She's not doing well...we talk twice a week or so and I just cringe when I talk to her. I have found a place for her to go for help and it won't cost her anything. She lost her health insurance now too with everything else. She's "thinking about it". Right now she's living with really shady people and rats. I'd be running to this place that wants to help me and "she wants to think about it", now for 3 months.....
  Top
Posted: June 26, 2020, 8:17 PM


Posts: 1698
Joined: June 27, 2016



Well... my son is back in addiction. Started with loosing the part time job or maybe a little before that, near the end of May. I will spare the details. Same old stuff.

The job was an internship with a recovery center. they kept him on for a few more months, but then did not have work since they are kind of closed.

It took us a few weeks to 'catch on' but now we are sure. he is a few hours away from us. We are bracing ourselves for the nagging for money. the calm before the storm. Luckily we (parents) have learned from the past. I wish he would get back on the right path on his own, if history repeats itself we will be in for a rough ride. I hope I can hold firm. I don't like the panic and fear this addiction puts us through. so relentless. year after year. It is like living through a terminal illness every year.

My only wish is that he bounces out of this quickly.
  Top
Posted: June 26, 2020, 9:58 PM


Posts: 298
Joined: December 23, 2018



I'm sorry NY, we are here for you :(
  Top
Posted: June 26, 2020, 11:08 PM


Posts: 190
Joined: November 10, 2019



Me too NTF so sorry to hear. I hope he will want to get back to his recovery. Thinking of you sister xo
  Top
Posted: June 30, 2020, 12:03 AM


Posts: 11
Joined: October 11, 2018



NYF my heart hurts for you! The pain of the addiction cycle is so hard as a parent to watch. Your story about your son finding sobriety after so many years had given me hope in some of my darkest hours. I pray this is a short relapse and you have the strength to continue to do what is best for his recovery. Keep being brave!
  Top
Posted: July 9, 2020, 5:44 PM


Posts: 131
Joined: December 30, 2018



NYT sorry to hear this, let's hope it's just a hiccup, as he had been doing well, and obviously learnt a lot from his time clean, hard with all the covid as well to add to the mix, take care of yourselves,
  Top
Posted: July 16, 2020, 1:52 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: May 4, 2020



You have given amazing advice and I am truly appreciative of it.

As you can see from my post and everyone else's we are all looking for a miracle to help our loved ones through this terrible disease.

For me getting away has helped and I hope you do the same. We get so caught up in trying to help them that we forget trying to help ourselves. As you have told me before trust your gut and if you think selling your house is the only way to help you and him do it.

  Top
Posted: July 24, 2020, 1:44 PM


Posts: 1698
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hello everyone thank you for the support. A new twist - my son was getting unemp. I was trying to skim off $$ so he would have a good chunk to relocate with. He said OK he wanted me to do that, but proceeded to make transfers to his debit account. Every other day. Until I had to step away. It was too stressful. I told him not to call me about money. That was the end of June.

Have not heard from him until today. Text message ‘ hi mom, i miss talking... wants to make a plan, would be nice to hear from you.’

Coincidence that the unemployment will run out this week and he has a phone bill due next week.

Sigh.. 😢. Life Hurts.

My husband reached out to him once a week and has suggested I should reach out to him to motivate him... !!!! All I can hear is Western Union...
  Top
Posted: July 25, 2020, 3:21 PM


Posts: 190
Joined: November 10, 2019



Sorry to hear NTF. I feel much the same way with my daughter. I get emotionally invested in helping her also financially when I have saved her storage unit on numerous occasions (it's all she has left). I paid for hotel rooms sporadically after various crisis to later find out she never used about half of them. I think they may have been bartered for drugs in some way IDK....Its pure chaos. I'm trying not to get emotionally involved anymore. Its hard though. I don't think she is a bad person. I think she's horribly addicted.
  Top
Posted: July 26, 2020, 6:27 AM


Posts: 190
Joined: November 10, 2019



5:15 am this morning, phone rings, I answer and hear, "Mom is there anyway you can send me some money Im in my second day of detox", me half awake, "No I wouldn't be able to send any today" She hangs up before I finish the word today.
  Top
Posted: July 26, 2020, 11:01 AM


Posts: 1698
Joined: June 27, 2016



Sallyanna - Yes, we have done that too. Every day of addiction is heartbreaking.

I recently read some thing that implied that addiction is a disease of the brain. I realized that the 'drugs' whether street or prescribed, do a subtle and long term damage to the brain. It clicked - that is why the longer they are in it, the harder it is for them to get out. the brain just does not function well enough.

Every time my son gets to a point of having no money, he wants to 'make a plan' but he does not like the plan that will work. I have come to the conclusion that the only thing that will work for him is a long term sober living / half way house situation. where he has freedom to work and live but also has the rules and support of a sober program.

He is not interested. He does not want the rules. Unfortunately, the longer it takes for him to realize that, the least likely he will be to do it.

I talked to him in June - a nice conversation - but every suggestion I had about job or location, he did not like. So now he wants to talk and make a plan. there is nothing new I can come up with.

so I am not going to call him. it will just be the usual conversation that ends with him needing money. it is sad that their actions make us make these decisions. sometimes I think it hurts us more than it hurts them.

Sometime last year our daughter told our son to stop using mom and dad for money. he said, "Yeah, OK, I dont need them. " Not really the answer we would expect to hear. kind of a selfish one way answer. I would expect more of a remorseful, I will do better, kind of an answer.

Sallyanna - your daughter's response brought tears to my eyes. Hugs for you today. XXOO
  Top
Posted: July 27, 2020, 10:54 PM


Posts: 1698
Joined: June 27, 2016



Update, my son told his sister he is going to a detox tomorrow for 5 days. This is the first time he has made the decision on his own. As slow as it is , it is progress. He was clean a few months more than usual this past year and he went to detox much sooner than he usually would.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 27, 2020, 10:58 PM
  Top
Posted: July 28, 2020, 10:05 PM


Posts: 190
Joined: November 10, 2019



It is progress NTF. Anytime they reach out and get help is a step in the right direction. So good to hear!!
  Top
Posted: July 29, 2020, 11:09 PM


Posts: 1698
Joined: June 27, 2016



Still riding the addiction roller coaster. Despair one day, hope the next.

In the past year I have learned that there are services available to my son and he has tapped into them and they have helped him. My husband and I have tried to help for years. Our help is not what he needs. We see that it is all up to him. Our efforts are meaningless if he is not participating. I am glad I did not talk to him and did not put myself in the position of giving money. Hopefully I have set a new boundary that will stick. When I see he is able to turn to another resource it gives me confidence to continue to distance myself. the more I can distance, the more I hope he can feel independent
  Top
Posted: July 31, 2020, 8:31 PM


Posts: 190
Joined: November 10, 2019



What you said is so true NTF. Nothing I have done has helped my daughter. I wish she would use the resources available to her but somehow she thinks it's insulting while she lives in filth with creeps (even she says they are creeps). Also, anything I say encouraging or how could it be any worse than what you are experiencing now?? Well, they don't have drugs at the places you get help...it's the only reason...I can think of. Then she was going to go to the Methadone clinic and missed 4 (!!!) appts to be assessed and get started. They wouldn't take her back and it was a free clinic. Ugh!
  Top
Posted: September 9, 2020, 12:52 PM


Posts: 1698
Joined: June 27, 2016



my son can have a conversation where we can hint to the truth about his addiction but he will not directly say it. He will use words like ‘struggling, wrong choice, etc. a month ago he went to a short detox. Said he had to ‘clear his head’ . This week he said he might go to a rehab for a month so he won’t have to spend $ on ‘food’. And he will be able to save the $200 he is getting from unemp.

He does want to move away from the city. And does need to save sooner rather than later. Maybe something is sinking in. I don’t care if he goes to rehab once a month. As long as he is doing it.

I had written him an email a few weeks ago, stating that the first step he needs to do is save money. And figure out what part of the country he wants to live in and then find a sober living situation there to move to. But, whatever he does, if he does not resolve his issue with not saving money and not paying bills, he will always live in a shelter.

I think he is still in a phase of his addiction where he can not have access to money without using and spending



This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on September 9, 2020, 12:53 PM
  top of page  Top