Mntmom
Posted: May 16, 2019, 5:44 PM


Posts: 120
Joined: December 30, 2018



mtnmom that is really good news, let’s hope it’s a turning point for him, you must feel that you can breath atm, I’ll keep my fingers crossed he continues
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Posted: May 22, 2019, 11:55 PM


Posts: 176
Joined: December 23, 2018



Well my friends, it was a short-lived good news. He apparently will NOT stay away from her house. He was supposedly supposed to start a job about 10 miles from where she lives & would have drive thru her little town twice a day. But he was arrested today on violation of the restraining order, violation of his probation terms (stay away from her) and a new FELONY charge of stalking.... He had the NERVE to call his brother & ask him to call us & tell us to bail him out ($17,000 would be what we would pay the bondsman for his $150,000 bail) & hire an attorney. No, we are not. When he got out of jail on May 6th, we did pay the impound fees ($1300), Sober Living rent ($700) + 2 other past due bills which was a couple of thousand more. Bank of Mom went bankrupt. Unfortunately, he is only willing to learn the worst way possible.... So I'm very angry at myself for daring to hope
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Posted: May 23, 2019, 1:41 AM


Posts: 424
Joined: November 9, 2018



So sorry mtnmom. It amazes me when they get a great opportunity to turn things around and they just blow it and they don't just blow it they really blow it badly. I don't even have words to describe what they do it's just beyond thunderdome. It's another dimension. Its the twilight zone.....Its like a bad movie that never ends and we can't get out of the theater and there's no popcorn, ever.
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Posted: May 23, 2019, 8:34 AM


Posts: 176
Joined: December 23, 2018



He is obsessed with this young lady that he treated so horribly & now thinks that as long as he is in sober living, she is just going to welcome him back with open arms..... I woke up thinking about how badly he has destroyed his life since he met her. I do not think she is an addict too, I've had several conversations with her & she doesn't seem like a drama queen. But my son will NOT let her go. She broke up with him last Dec. but he wouldn't leave her house. That was also when he started contacting his family after a 6 month absence from all contact. But this contact was cries of suicide with crying & hysterical, irrational behavior. She allowed him to move back in while his father & I offer help if he'd go into extensive rehab & we'd pay for sober living afterwards.

This went on for 4 months, him living in her house but in the guest room, him continuing to use meth & not pay his bills or get a job. Finally something happened at her house & she said his behavior & anger towards her was becoming more & more aggressive & unpredictable. She moved out of her own house & back with her parents & he refused to leave or leave her alone. That's when she went to court & got the restraining order & move out order. He left but continue to harass her & refused to come get his things so some family members went to her house & grabbed his things & placed them in a storage. He F***ing lost his s***!!!!!!!!!! Screaming at every person who tried to help him & saying he'd NEVER forgive us. But of course he still wanted money from us so he continued to call & rant & curse us while asking for money. Most of us blocked his phone numbers. He was arrested for violating the RO within days of the order & went to jail for a few hours. Was arrested again several days later & spent 12 days in jail & was released on probation. Called her a day or two later. It took him about 5 or 6 days to get his butt up to the Sober Living house & it was not great. It was a private home, but at this time he was the only resident. So he was alone & still obsessing with her. He was there less than two weeks & I know of several times that he "coincidentally" crossed paths with her in places he didn't have any business being.... it is just ridiculous. It is hard to think how horribly he has destroyed his life & livelihood in 1 year's time..... I don't regret offering help, THAT kind of help but I am sad that I was fooled again by someone I love so much
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Posted: May 23, 2019, 9:43 PM


Posts: 1537
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hi mtnmom. So sorry your son did not last long at the sober living house. And that he could not stay out of trouble. It’s hard to understand why following the rules is so hard for them. Well... my son is another example of how to take a bad situation and make it worse. And when you wonder what could possibly happen next, it still gets worse. I will explain on my own ‘crisis’ post.
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Posted: May 23, 2019, 10:40 PM


Posts: 176
Joined: December 23, 2018



Yes, NY2FL - don't EVER ask yourself How bad can it get because they will move mountains to show you!! He finally called from the jail - collect of course! We accepted the charges & took the call. It was about a $20 call, then he called back, another $20 call, then he called again & we didn't take it.

He started getting an attitude with his dad because we weren't helping & was trying to get I don't know what some kind of "secret" info we were withholding or something.... His father told him he screwed up really bad & now he's going to deal with his consequences. I talked to the sober living director & he'll take my son back.... so we'll see how long he is in this time, who knows...
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Posted: May 23, 2019, 10:44 PM


Posts: 1537
Joined: June 27, 2016



I’m glad I am not taking my sons calls! I don’t think there’s any thing you can do. Given your sons age, I’m sure the courts and jail don’t want to see ‘mommy and daddy’.

Earlier this week before my son’s court date my husband tried calling people. Attorney, judge, etc. everyone who answered phone made husband feel like an a’hole... WHO are you. WHY are you calling? Sorry, dad, one is going to talk to you. Husband called a rehab, he heard, I can’t tell you any thing until your son calls us and answers 55 questions.

We’ve done our best. It isn’t up to us any more.

Good Luck. Try to find something to look forward to or enjoy each day. I know it’s hard.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on May 23, 2019, 10:53 PM
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Posted: May 24, 2019, 8:04 AM


Posts: 176
Joined: December 23, 2018



NY2FL - True!! It hurts me that my son is CHOOSING to live his life like this. But I know we were always there to encourage & support him the best we could. Now, I will take a few calls but I'm going to tell him not to call to obsess about the charges against him. I have learned there really isn't any help or support for parents of addicts - that is why I LOVE this group!!! Everyone here is my support group!! Thank you everyone, for encouragement & support and sharing your own stories so I don't feel alone & helpless.... I am helpless because you cannot force or pay anyone to chose wisely & make good decisions
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Posted: May 24, 2019, 11:23 AM


Posts: 373
Joined: October 25, 2016



This group has helped many of us. I had to quit talking about my son and his problems to friends and family. It was driving them away from me. I think this group helped me more than anything else except maybe a private counselor. I don’t have one of those now so you guys are it.

Our boys are pretty much in the same situation right now. Have nothing, blowing all their chances, keep using drugs / making bad choices, blaming others and in jail for doing something that could have been easily avoided. They all expect us to keep picking up the pieces at whatever cost to us. My situation is a bit different because I have no contact with my son. I have mixed feelings about that. I get really sad often but then I remember how it was before ‘no contact’. I am not sure I could go back to all those phone calls, the cost and the never-ending problems. I was constantly upset. You guys remind me. My son can email me but that hasn’t happened in awhile.

I know things are bad with my son. I yearn to help with my whole being. There aren’t as many decisions for us to make since we turned his life over to him. The ones I want to make are either bad choices or worse choices. Things like stepping in, saving the day, bringing him home, or just visiting. His lifestyle has made many decisions for us. I still get fearful when I think of him showing up at our house one day but I miss him. That is really a screwed up mess! I am not really sure I want to see him.

Anyway I am sorry everybody is going through this. I don’t know if astrangement is the natural progression for this type relationship if they don’t change but remember you are not alone if it comes to that and all the options are exhausted. I think it is ok to say ‘no more’ but making peace with it is another thing.

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BUGS
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Posted: May 24, 2019, 5:44 PM


Posts: 120
Joined: December 30, 2018



Bugging me, that's a sad story, sorry your situation is like it is, but really in the end when you've exchusted so many avenues , what's left, nothing, only to concentrate on looking after yourself, as a mum it's hard to get your head around having no contact with them, I hate drugs, drugs have always scared me, and I have never dabbled in them, my son still works, never misses, gives me board, but I know he is struggling, he is a functioning addict, self medicates, I wish he would move out, get his own place, he keeps telling me he is looking( not sure how hard he is) and be able to stand on his own two feet a bit, I think at some stage every day I cry a bit to myself and ask why???, and ime never going to get that answer, sorry just feeling sad ATM, take care all you lovely people
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Posted: May 24, 2019, 7:18 PM


Posts: 373
Joined: October 25, 2016



I don’t want you all to think we weren’t there for our son most of his life. It has only been the last couple of years we have pulled away. It was time to make a change. For us this has gone on about 25 years. A gradual process that eventually ended in no contact. There came a day when it was just all too much. He wouldn’t leave us alone. It had to get really bad before I could let him go. I got sick and our circumstances changed so we had to be realistic about what we could continue to do. My eyes were opened to some things I had been denying for years and to things I should never have been doing in the first place. I kept putting off the inevitable outcome by holding his head above water so he wouldn’t sink but we got very tired and burned out while doing it.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on May 24, 2019, 7:24 PM

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BUGS
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Posted: May 24, 2019, 8:04 PM


Posts: 120
Joined: December 30, 2018



Hi bugging me, I hope I dident wrote anything in my post to ypu , to think that you haven't, I truly think that there does come a time, that we can't take anymore, to help them and also to help are selves, 25 years is a long time, I know with my son, i use to go searching for any kind of evidence, that he had been using, always use to find something, I refuse to do it anymore, as I know I don't have to go looking, you know as a mum when there clean, he always has a nothing look on his face, just expressionless , I think as mums we do what we think is best, as are kids are all different, I know I am just letting things muddle along, and it's not good, but just how it is, take care
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Posted: May 24, 2019, 9:22 PM


Posts: 373
Joined: October 25, 2016



Nothing you said Sad Eyes. I was just thinking someone someplace might think I am a bad mother for any one of many reasons. Old feelings of inadequacy I guess. I am not too happy with myself as a mother and think I could have done better somehow. If I was wiser or stronger or was able to stand on my head and juggle ... lol

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BUGS
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Posted: May 25, 2019, 11:29 AM


Posts: 1537
Joined: June 27, 2016



Bugs. Thanks for your post. I feel like the past few years have been similar to your story. Helping, helping, and then gradually realizing he is older and we can’t help and our help is prolonging the addiction, if there is any hope of it stopping... and the point where we just can’t physically, mentally, financially, do any more. We all have gotten there.

There’s two outcomes for them either they put their addiction into remission or they stay in it. If they stay in it, there are two outcomes for us. Either we go down with them or we jump ship and save ourselves.

Mtnmom. Thanks for your support. My son is on the same path. Different intensity, but same outcomes. We’re not going to bail our son out. Reading your story reinforces that my son will be back in jail within a short time. No job. No money. No food. He will steal to eat and be arrested for a sandwich next time.

We are hoping the court will figure something out.
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Posted: May 25, 2019, 11:45 AM


Posts: 424
Joined: November 9, 2018



Yes, this site is so helpful and to know others understand. Bugs, I appreciate your posts too. In business there's a term called 'the point of diminishing returns' meaning the more resources you put in to something, it does nothing. I feel this is true. We can only do so much before there is no point in doing it anymore.....Its really up to them if they want to seek help and take the action steps to do so or if they want to continue down the destructive path of addiction.
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Posted: May 26, 2019, 6:51 PM


Posts: 176
Joined: December 23, 2018



Dear Bugging Me, NY2FL, Sad Eyes & SallyAnna (and all others!) I feel we have all shown nothing but support to each of us here. About our kids, unfortunately they are choosing this life. My son is still in jail & (fortunately) the district attorney filed misdemeanor "violation of court order" charges against him. (whew! I was afraid he'd get a felony charge). He SAID he's going to ask the Judge to add to the court orders for him to remain in his currant Sober Living house. I've talked to the sober living counselor & he's willing to allow my son back but with new, stricter rules. Meetings twice a day until employed, chores around the residence each day, weekly drug testing.

This is his 3rd arrest in about 3 or 4 weeks, for the same thing. he will NOT stay away from his ex, who has a restraining order against him. So we will see what he does when he is released.
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Posted: May 28, 2019, 6:36 PM


Posts: 176
Joined: December 23, 2018



Hey friends, I need advice - my son wants me to call a friend of mine who had set it up to give my son a job. He was offered this job in March & turned it down. Then employer emailed & offered again, my son accepted but got arrested before he was supposed to start. Was in custody 12 days. Employer was STILL going to hire him & then son got chickenpox, employer was STILL OK & told him to call today but son got arrested AGAIN last week & couldn't contact him. Now he wants me to call my friend & tell him "what happened". My gut says no, he created this mess, he needs to handle the consequences too.... I personally think it's an omen NOT to take this job because it is too far from his sober living & too close to the Ex who has the restraining order.... Am I right? I think I am because calling is excusing bad behavior & excusing bad behavior is enabling.... OK, see what I've learned from y'all?? I just answered my own dilemma
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Posted: May 28, 2019, 7:27 PM


Posts: 424
Joined: November 9, 2018



I really agree with you. He needs to call and talk to the person. Its called being responsible and being a grown up. He should not expect you to call for him. He's more than grown.
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Posted: May 29, 2019, 10:57 PM


Posts: 176
Joined: December 23, 2018



And SallyAnna, they offered him the job the 1st of March & he turned it down because he thought it didn't pay enough. Then he got an email from them asking if he was still interested & he said yes. Was supposed to start but got arrested & couldn't contact them. They gave him another chance but by this time he had moved into sober living & the drive would be an hour & a half one way & that one way was right thru the town where gf w/ restraining order lives.... but on start day he broke out in what he said was chickenpox. They asked him to wait a full week because they didn't want chicken pox in the office. But he got arrested & can't contact them.
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Posted: May 29, 2019, 11:34 PM


Posts: 1537
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hi mtnmom - just want to add my thoughts:

do not call for your son. I don't think it is a good recipe. 1.5 hours is too far. Too much gas especially when driving a truck. You will constantly hear how 'all his paycheck is going into the gas tank' … (like we haven't heard enough of that)… He will have to be getting up too early in order to get there on time. I can already hear the 'woes....'

Let him find a job close by to where he lives that might be a better fit for his circumstances.

In 2017 my son had a good job, in his field, with a long time friend as the supervisor. (he and the friend had worked together a few years ago) It would have been a secure job. except it was an hour away. son would not stay at his grandmother's house even once in a while to ease the pain of driving and exhaustion and gas usage. she lived 20 minutes to the job. had to be there at 6am. had the job for about 8 months. he was late too many times. son told us he was laid off, that it was seasonal. I saw an email he sent asking for his job back. I did not see a reply from the 'friend'. Unfortunately, my son was using during this time. I think he started stealing gas. He had a few enraged agruments because he wanted a raise. he also had a few fender benders. A person who was not an addict would have made it work.

Next job - as a flagman - thru the winter. had to use his own car and kept the car running a lot. to keep warm. the car took a beating.

last job - easiest - about 5 miles from home. landscapeing, maintenance on an estate, worked w one other guy. pay was average. Not a career, but easy enough and close enough to have minimal issues while trying to 'get his life together' …. nope hasn't done that yet. Even the easiest jobs become too hard for the addict.

my son's opportunities are getting smaller and smaller.

Maybe your son will be able to get back to a good job since he had worked many years at decent job.

Sorry for my rant... I am getting angry about lost opportunities.

PS - Did your son have chicken pox as a kid? It could have been hives, allergic reaction to medication or withdrawal.

my son had psoriasis - full body break out - when in college. I think it might have been due to drugs and alcohol. since then he complains that his scalp and back are breaking out. It never got as bad as it was in college, it comes and goes. I think it has to do with the drug use.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on May 29, 2019, 11:39 PM
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