Why Don't They Want It?
Posted: April 6, 2019, 10:13 PM


Posts: 1537
Joined: June 27, 2016



mtnmom - I have thought I would like to see my son making it on his own for a year in sobriety before I let my guard down. a few months is not enough. a few weeks is just a lie. I want to see him actually paying bills and going into a grocery store.

when I read your posts I think of duchesschama who was posting a lot in the past 2 years. he son is similar to your son's situations - age and raging and relentless.

try putting duchesschama into the search option at bottom of page and reading some of her posts.

she had told him 'don't contact us for 6 months or a year'



This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 6, 2019, 10:16 PM
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Posted: April 7, 2019, 6:03 AM


Posts: 424
Joined: November 9, 2018



Woke up early this morning and my mind started thinking about all of this. I think at some level my daughter feels abandoned and at some level I feel like I have abandoned her. I'm always available to her when she wants to communicate however I won't let her live with me. I won't let her live with me because of the chaos and unpredictability and everything else which comes along with active addiction. I am my sole provider for myself and I know it would affect my well being and my job. Its hard not to feel badly about this and to hear and watch her struggle so. She knows and even called to go back to detox but she hasn't gone yet. It is very unsettling and sad. I always pray for her.
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Posted: April 7, 2019, 3:37 PM


Posts: 1537
Joined: June 27, 2016



sallyanna - a month ago when I left home my son did text a few times. I was not responding. He stated things like: "how do you think it feels to be kicked to the curb and abandoned" and "treated like an animal" "you are the worst parents, I never want to see you again" "I cant believe you would treat me like this"

I am sure they feel alone, but we have not abandon them. it is their interpretation. I did text back that he was treating himself like an animal - he said No. He cant believe I treat HIM this way.... what about the way he has treated us and our generosity for years.

There's no win for anyone. hope we all survive.

It sounds like she does not want to go to detox yet. when my son was in a sober living a few yrs ago, he left and rented a room and worked. 4 months later he was homeless. I told him over and over to go to the sober living - during business hours - and tell them he needs help - he would say OK but didnt.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 7, 2019, 3:39 PM
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Posted: April 7, 2019, 10:41 PM


Posts: 176
Joined: December 23, 2018



NYtoFL - I have read your posts & comments. I hope she is OK too. I learned today that my son reached out to a cousin he has always been close to - but in talking to her, he was lying through out his cries for help. My little light at the end of the tunnel hasn't flickered completely out yet, but almost. He left her house a few hours after he had her (cousin) text his ex-gf & tell her he was out of her house & staying with cousin. They found a rehab bed for him available tomorrow at 9am. So he left to get his stuff & will meet them tomorrow morning at 7am.... I'm afraid it was all a game to trick his GF into go back to her house.
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Posted: April 8, 2019, 8:14 PM


Posts: 424
Joined: November 9, 2018



Thanks for your post NTF. Mntmom did he go to rehab today?
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Posted: April 14, 2019, 6:45 PM


Posts: 632
Joined: April 4, 2016



Hi All!!! I know I'm late to the party. But . . .

I, too, have wondered why my daughter didn't want sobriety . . . being clean & sober . . . . returning to her everything-but-a-polo-pony/car college life. I wonder why some addicts can 'recover' after a 30 day program and never look back . . . while others, like her, went to more programs than a dozen in 8 months. I spent a lot of money in therapy, trying to understand this and trying to forgive myself. I sincerely thought that I did not provide my girl with the necessary skills to cope with life on life's terms. I also thought I failed to teach her self-control or delayed gratification or the 10 Commandments or something.

I've had to remember that my child has a life path of her own. For a while, her life path intermingled with mine. And I had some control and influence. I, like each of you, nurtured my child and loved her unconditionally . . . with all of my being. I tried to prepare her to continue her path independently. To be successful, happy and productive. Here's the news!!! We are not responsible . . . and we should not beat ourselves up . . . addiction is more about how the addict perceives him/herself and how s/he deals with the world. This is between them and God. We can only watch and hope, and pray for their safety.

I agree with everything that Idgee, Con etc said regarding us trying to make rational sense out of, or to put the imprint of logic on, addiction. What I'd like to add is that part of addiction, at least according to my therapist, is genetically determined. She said that there are up to 4 markers for addiction. Everyone has one marker. At one extreme . . . the folks who only have one marker . . . these are the people who did coke recreationally, for example, but never get hooked. At the other extreme are folks who have all 4 markers, such as my daughter. These folks get hooked really quick and have a very very difficult time finding and staying in remission. That is, addiction is not a choice.

Sending hugs to all who are battling & all who love someone who is struggling,
Lynn

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on April 14, 2019, 6:52 PM

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I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: April 14, 2019, 10:16 PM


Posts: 424
Joined: November 9, 2018



Hurtingmom thank you for your post and sharing about the 4 markers. It's very helpful to know and it explains why sobriety is so hard for some. I think it applies to my daughter. Numerous detoxes, rehabs, sober living...I keep praying for her.
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Posted: April 16, 2019, 2:15 PM


Posts: 20
Joined: June 13, 2018



Hurting Mom,
I love reading your posts and am so happy you still pop in from time to time. I have read your entire story and am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I thought you were gone and am happy you are not!

I am thankful for your post explaining how some can become addicted after only one use it IS very helpful. I appreciate your words all the time.

Thank you again for adding such helpful posts.
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Posted: April 16, 2019, 9:03 PM


Posts: 311
Joined: November 16, 2017



Hurting Mom,

Just seconding that it is great to see you post and I think of you often!
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Posted: April 16, 2019, 10:16 PM


Posts: 632
Joined: April 4, 2016



Thanks Noodle & Parenting!! Yes, I pop in and check-in on ya'll. Ya'll couldn't get rid of me if you tried. LOL. I just don't have a lot to add, or I feel my perspective is so dark sometimes. But I'm around!!

Thanks Noodle re my daughter. After 32 months, there are still so many questions . . . and tears. . . and guilty feelings. Addiction is beyond horrible for the addict and hell for those that love them.

'Nough Said!

Love you guys!

Lynn
xoxo

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on April 17, 2019, 9:24 AM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: April 17, 2019, 1:59 PM


Posts: 30
Joined: March 11, 2018



Hurtingmom, I'm so glad you're sticking around too. You and I will always grieve the loss of our daughters, but we also have a unique perspective to share with those on the forum. All the posts inspire me every time I logon. The people here are very special. The tenacity and love you all show your addicted loved-ones is amazing. I think Hurtingmom will agree: no matter how hard it gets, hanging in there and supporting them is better than not having them with you. There is hope that each addict will finally see the light. Many do after years of active addiction. We don't know the date nor the time, but their lightbulbs can and will illuminate. We just have to believe they'll soon get it. Again, you all inspire me. I find hope when I read your postings. I pray for you guys every day. Keep the faith, all.
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Posted: April 17, 2019, 2:55 PM


Posts: 181
Joined: July 6, 2018



I am trying to be hopeful. My daughter is so much better than she was a year ago. Still using but less and her mental health is better.
I'm trying to see the positive,trying trying trying. I get so frustrated that she's not moving forward anymore. But she is still here and so there is still hope.
Thinking of you, hurtingmom and join the club.
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Posted: April 17, 2019, 9:47 PM


Posts: 311
Joined: November 16, 2017



Jointheclub, I think of you often, also. I was so shocked when you posted that your daughter passed away. You and HurtingMom and all those out there that have lost their children are often on my mind and in my heart.

I am SO glad you check in and still find a home here. We all need each other.

I just spoke with a friend today who just lost her niece to an overdose. We shared how addiction is such a cruel and frustrating disease. And, even crueler because the obsession with the drug hurts all those that love the addict.

I don't write much lately about my situation. I think I am kind of in limbo and sort of in a weird type of PTSD state about all that has happened. Kind of shellshocked from the last 3 years. Sigh...I really don't even know how I feel or what I think some days.

I read all the posts and sympathize with all the posters and their situations. It can be just SO grueling this journey. We have to stick together! Even in grief, we have to stick together.

I read about a support here locally for people who have lost a loved one from addiction. They have stories online. There are truly so many families being torn apart by addiction and especially the opioid epidemic. Did people read about the doctors charges in Appalachia area for basically dealing?? SAD.

Peace all!!!

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Posted: April 20, 2019, 7:07 PM


Posts: 632
Joined: April 4, 2016



Awwwww . . . thank you all. You know how to make a girl blush and feel loved!! Free hugs to all!!!

Jointheclub . . . so very sorry for your loss. We are members of a club that no one wants to join. Sending Hugs of understanding & support.

Walkedon . . . as long as she is on this side of the grass, there is hope. I read somewhere that addicts remain psychologically 'stuck' at the age of first use, unless and until they achieve and maintain long-term remission. So, are you expecting her to (or hoping that) she act her chronological age? Is the 'bar' you are setting too high?

I'm not saying ANY of this to criticize you. I'm hoping to provide some insight . . . make you more calm . . . manage your expectations.

Walkedon, be patient with your daughter. The drugs and/or their addiction do a number on their brains, psyche, self-confidence and self-worth. Even though she may be physically 'clean', this doesn't mean that she can jump into 'normie" life. She may be battling mental or emotional demons . . . or residuals from them.

Love her . . . keep the door of communication open . . . support her without enabling . . . .and let her know as long as she is trying that is good enough for you!!!

Hugs,
Lynn

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on April 20, 2019, 8:42 PM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: April 20, 2019, 8:56 PM


Posts: 181
Joined: July 6, 2018



I am expecting my daughter to act 31 and she acts 15. She talks and acts like she's in high school. Unfortunately I then begin to fall in to that role of a teenagers Mom.
This is the main reason I wish she would go to a half way house. She needs to be treated like an adult and learn to act like one.
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Posted: April 21, 2019, 11:40 PM


Posts: 632
Joined: April 4, 2016



Walkedon . . . .That's the hard part. Knowing in your heart-of-hearts and souls-of-souls that they need to be treated like adults. Feeling like if we point out the goal, lead them to it, explain it to them, provide a road map . . . that they WILL act like one. Then we wait. Hoping and praying. Crying, screaming and sometimes begging . . . them . . . our Higher Power . . .appealing to what's just and fair. Things may go 'well' for a while. But something is going to happen . . . or not happen. Or, they will be needy . . . or something. And wham!!! Our motherly instincts kick in. And there we are back at enabling, condoning, encouraging, crying, pulling our hair out and/or just helplessly watching (or any combo of the above).

What's a mom to do? All we want is for our kids to succeed. To lead healthy, happy, productive lives. To get off drugs/alcohol and be 'normal' Right? Is that asking too much?

Those are rhetorical questions.

It took me a long long time to accept this. To really and truly internalize it. To believe it and not feel selfish or as if I had given up on my girl. Here's the news. We only have control over us and our actions. So . . . I'm going to ask you the 'real' questions: what can YOU do . . . what do YOU have control over . . .to change these dynamics for YOU? What can YOU do to change YOUR reaction or to make it so that whatever she does/doesn't do, affects YOU less? How can YOU make you feel better? How can you still love your daughter as unconditionally and totally as you so clearly do and keep YOUR sanity? i so wish that there was a one-size-fits-all answer. There isn't. Each of us has to examine ourselves to figure out what works (and doesn't work) for our hearts, minds and souls to find peace.

Sending hugs,
Lynn xoxo



--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: April 27, 2019, 11:48 PM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



Some oldtimers here...Idgie, Con, me...lots of experience, not all good...lol.

You may never understand what's going on with your addicted loved ones, but the real work is in understanding yourself. Give yourself the gift of a life of your own...sometimes that's the best thing we can show them...what a good life looks like.

Peace ~ M&M


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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
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Posted: April 28, 2019, 5:53 AM


Posts: 424
Joined: November 9, 2018



M&M I agree with your wise words. Its hard to do at times however it's the right thing to do for us and for them
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