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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Help Part 2

Posted by: Sallyanna September 19, 2019, 10:58 PM
Just got off an hour conversation with my daughter and I feel like my brain is scrambled eggs. Her electric got turned off 3 days ago for non payment and she bounced her health insurance check. So likely no health insurance now. Also the IRS has been calling her, she's about to lose her storage unit for non payment which contains all her good furniture and things before she left for sober living, her car doesn't run because she drove it into 4 feet of water, and she quit paying her car insurance in April. Plus a bunch of other bad news.....every time we talk I ask her how much money she has left and it's a different amount each time....She's lost her ATM card for the 3rd time in the last 4 months....if this was your adult child what would you do?

Posted by: Sallyanna September 19, 2019, 11:03 PM
I live in a one story house and I feel like jumping out the window

Posted by: BugginMe September 19, 2019, 11:30 PM
I don’t think there is a good answer. We attempted for years to keep our son above water. Lots of head aches, heart aches, and money. We thought that surely he would get things together and step up to help himself. Seems like every time he slipped, the slip was bigger and more costly. Eventually it became like quick sand ... sucking him down and us with him. We finally had to accept that the problems were bigger than we could fix. It was like he was working against himself. Digging an ever deeper hole from which there was no rescue. His life was chaos.

Things haven’t gotten any better. He lost everything and I don’t know how he will ever get the help he needs. I feel sadness, loss and guilt. I can only imagine how he feels. The only thing that brings me peace is that I know we tried to help him. His problems are just too big and too many for us to overcome. The problems were all caused by his drug use and bad choices. What can you do when helping doesn’t help? We had to let him go.

I do believe that there are more shelters and more assistance is available for women. There are fewer places interested in helping single men. I am so sorry you and your daughter are in this place. Maybe you could pay her storage so she will be able to keep something. We did that for awhile but eventually had to stop doing even that.

Distance from my son’s problems was the only thing that restored my sanity and kept me from jumping out a window. I couldn’t listen to anymore of it. Harsh but my reality. I was losing my mind and the rest of my family. His problems were not really my problems unless I made them mine. That being said ... detaching is very very difficult in mind or body. Mothers are especially not equipped for this.

Posted by: Walkedon September 20, 2019, 1:17 PM
If this was my daughter I would try to fix everything. Turn her power back on,put it my name. Pay the storage unit.Get the health insurance.
I would do

this, because I did all of this and it didn't help.
They are adults they can do what they want.(which I am sure your daughter has screamed at you some point.)
When my daughter was losing everything and begging me for ten dollars and a ride, my response was. I can not help you. You can go to the mental hospital for your bipolar and addiction. You can go to a rehab. Those were the only words out of my mouth.
Your daughter knows what to do. You know what you have to do.

Posted by: Parenting2 September 20, 2019, 1:58 PM
I am with the others. I do not know exactly why certain individuals are in this gerbil wheel. It is for certain some combination of addiction and mental health concerns. However, this is the key: Money is not the problem! They could have a million dollars and it would not help. Eventually, and probably a lot quicker than we could even imagine, they would be calling crying and saying the money is gone. They don't know how. They don't know where it went.

So, as bugs said, helping doesn't help. I got to the point with my son that it felt like I was throwing money into a campfire. Wrecked cars, lost checks, fines, drugs, and, even, when there was nothing much money on fast food and drinks and coffee...claiming he HAD to have it.

Really, I know it is gut-wrenching to watch the chips fall. And, SO many chips fall. But, it is an illusion to think we can help when things are out of control. It really is her problem and not your responsibility as tough and impossible as that is to process. It is heartbreaking.

Maybe if it is one thing while they are doing well. Or, a small help when they have a job and paying most bills.

But, what you are describing is total chaos and it is out of control. Really, she needs help and I know we all know that. That is the only action here. She needs to get help. And, if she doesn't no amount of helping or money will sort it out.

Posted by: Sallyanna September 20, 2019, 9:16 PM
You are all so right and I appreciate all your comments. So, so helpful to have other parents who can relate and we can share with each other. I have learned so much about my daughter, addiction, and myself.

She shows no interest in getting help with her addiction almost like it's a non issue in her mind. Where of course I see (and we all see) it is THE issue. I know this is how the active addiction mind works. Its so left of center to anyone (other than herself) red flashing lights are going off with a loud pitch "EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY!!!" . She doesn't see it or hear it.....

I did text her some info about a ranch where they have to live and work for about 8 months to a year. Its Christian based which I think is great however she's turned off picky, has lost everything and is being picky WT*

She text me back her electricity got turned back on! (She owes $800) I asked how that happened and she said she woke up at 1pm today and it was on! My gosh, I don't know if I should be happy or call the police.

Nothing makes sense.

Posted by: mtnmom September 20, 2019, 9:29 PM
Always a crisis, right? My husband is the one with the rose colored glasses - anytime son calls, my hubby is so happy to talk to him. I'm so suspicious & really DON'T want to talk to him. I'm glad he's doing better but he hasn't apologized for ANYTHING he said or did to us. I'm still angry, I don't trust him & I'm hurt.

Posted by: hurtingmom September 21, 2019, 11:02 AM
As someone said previously, I’m not sure where you are and how long you’ve been on this gerbil wheel of addiction. All I can share is my experience. Please do what feels right for your heart. Here’s a BIG hug, just cause I can empathize with where you are and the decisions you may have to make.

In the beginning of our journey, hubby and I did provide our daughter EVERYTHING. We figured she was only 20, had no skills and needed us. We also wanted to show our support for her. Show her we believed in her. So, we provided spending money, groceries, copays, Uber, cell, insurance, etc. And, I’m glad that we did. I have absolutely no regrets. But at some point, we began to feel more like her personal ATM. Worse yet, we felt that we were more invested in our daughter finding sobriety and maintaining it than she. This is when we not only realized HER addiction was making us crazy but also we had tried everything we could to help her. (We have done IOPs, sober living, rehab, inpatient... you name it!) I think WE needed to wean ourselves off of ‘helping’ our only child. But we told her that in 8 weeks she needed to become self sufficient... at least, get and keep a job. During those 8 weeks, her ‘allowance’ would continue but would decline. (That’s what we told her. We were hopeful she would have found a job but we would have continued helping.)

During those 8 weeks, my girl did absolutely positively nothing to get a job. So, we had no problems keeping our word and cutting off the allowance. My heart was at peace by this time with the decision.

Hope something in here was helpful,

Posted by: Sallyanna September 22, 2019, 4:29 PM
Thank you hurtingmom for the hug and sharing your journey with your daughter, her addiction, and you. I could relate to what you posted especially the sentence where you said you were more interested and invested in your daughter's recovery than she was. This is how I feel right now. My daughter doesn't seem interested at all. She doesn't seem interested in getting a job either. Its very difficult. This has been going on for about 6 years now with numerous detoxs, rehabs, and one failed sober living.

Posted by: samegame September 27, 2019, 11:45 AM
She's talking about money she wants/needs money.

And the different numbers. I've seen that. He tends to embelish/lie how bad his situation is in front of softies especially senior relatives. Other times he just flat out lies if he wants no part of the conversation and keep his self esteem high.

But yes where did all that money go. Here the alkie and his gf had about a 3 year run averaging $90K in dual income with a 800 a month apartment constantly cried about money. Where did the money go, hmmm

Get ready for another bottom or wall. Worry about yourself.

Posted by: Sallyanna September 27, 2019, 11:15 PM
Yes where does the money go? I'm pretty sure I know. Doesn't have any money to pay rent, bills, medical however had/has money to buy DOC(s).... Last I heard had a fever and an arm about 2.5 size of a normal arm. Text me a picture- bad. Told her to get to an Emergency room ASAP....said she'd go the next day if was still bad??? I tried to contact her the next day no response I was following up with her to see what her temp was and her arm was. No response. I used to work in ICU so I know what can happen. Its really hard for me to understand her mindset...really hard.

Posted by: NyToFlorida September 28, 2019, 11:24 AM
Hello Sallyanna, I’m sorry you and your daughter are going thru this. You must be distraught. Not knowing how she is and also knowing if she would surrender to detox and rehab her arm would not be infected. Such a stressful mixed bag of ‘crap’ that could be avoided, prevented. It is definitely like they can’t see the harm they are doing to themselves. Like someone said on a video I watched - ‘it is a disease that tells me I don’t have a disease’. Maybe this is the point your daughter needs outside help.

Have you called local hospital? Is there a detox connected with the hospital?

Any ‘intervention’ people who can swoop in and take charge of the situation?

Maybe when you do talk to her be ready to call a local ambulance for her. Police for a wellness check? Anyone she that can check on her that you can call?

I hope your daughter is ok and is getting help.

Posted by: Sallyanna September 28, 2019, 3:40 PM
Thanks NTF...She finally text last night so I call her said she thought it was better, sent me a pic, still looks bad, I again encouraged her again to seek medical attn. Looks like a really bad abcess which looks huge to me and red...ask her what her temp was didn't know. I asked if she could take it for me while we were on the phone. Then she went into a long rant about how no one helps her and no one has a plan for her. I told her I'd been encouraging her to go back to detox and rehab for the past six months and she can take her dog with her because they approved him. She then started to say very nasty things about me. I know she's hurt and angry because her life is so messed up. I told her she need to get help. I saved her insurance by paying the premium in the nick of time...She says she doesn't need to go doesn't see the point and I tell her it will be a good way to start over. Then she says, then what? I say you have to take it a step at a time..She can't seem to get past the point of where she'll live after rehab the goes into a long arguing victim rant and blamed me and everything else for her situation. I tell her to please go get help. After we hung up I got mass text messages I haven't even read them yet it's too much right now. This is awful.

Posted by: NyToFlorida September 30, 2019, 7:00 PM
Sorry, Sallyanna. I hope your daughter goes to hospital or urgent care. I’m sure you know from work in the field that she needs antibiotics. It must be heartbreaking to be so far from her.
Last winter my son had an abscess/infection in the groin area - said it was from a dirty razor. Could have been from dirty needle ... we had some antibiotics in the cabinet.he did take some and he got over it. I think it was not too bad and he took antibiotics right away. Your daughters arm sounds too serious . I know you know this.

I have had the same conversations w my son over the years. No one helps, no friends help, went to meeting no one helps, doesn’t want to ‘start over’ , stated over too many times...

Three years ago he said he hates that he wakes up everyday and all he owns is in a duffle bag... still the same today.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Ps- It must be the drugs that decrease awareness for logic. It’s like they hear us but they can’t put anything into action. Don’t see any urgency. Don’t see any choices or options.
Last Feb when my son sold his computer for $400 (worth $2000 and I had recently replaced the screen for $500). He said he had no choice, needed $$ for the week and we were done ‘helping’ him. We let him go and do it, I really was wishing he was bluffing. Guess not.

Posted by: Sallyanna September 30, 2019, 10:51 PM
Thank you for your kind words NTF. How is your son doing? I'm thinking he may be out of jail now or soon. I hope he's doing well and he's in a positive environment.

I'm very torn about my daughter. Heartbreaking conversation with her yesterday....I'm pushing her towards detox/rehab because she's homeless in just a few days. I'm trying to save her storage unit because they have an auction date set. Its more money than I have so I'm going to try to negotiate with them. Her arm is "draining a lot" encouraging seeing a Dr again. I hate addiction so much.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 2, 2019, 8:23 AM
My daughter's storage unit to save it from auction is $335 and I literally only have $100 to pay towards it. I would have to get a loan for the rest AND then the next payment of $96 would be due in 14 days....which I would not have. I pay my bills however I'm on a very tight budget. I just don't have any extra money at the end of the month.

Any opinions or suggestions will be helpful? What would you do in my situation?

Posted by: NyToFlorida October 2, 2019, 6:13 PM
Hi Sallyanna, such a difficult decision, that unfortunately fall to u bc you are the last one standing. I think Your other daughter tried to help a month ago financially when she was going to loose the apartment? Helping financially at this point only extends her until the next payments. And then no one has anything left for the next payment. I can’t think of any solution. Regarding the storage unit, don’t throw away your $100. You will only postpone the auction and loose your $$. Her medical insurance is more important.

I wish there was a better answer. You have been encouraging her to go for treatment months ago when there were still options open...

Ps you asked about my son. Two weeks ago he got out of jail and went to a local catholic rehab type of place. No one has talked to us so I don’t know much about the program. I know they have a men’s shelter for anyone who needs it. And in patient and out patient programs. I have heard the organization is able to help them find job and apartment. I hope that is true for my son. He lost his state health Ins bc he was incarcerated. Now he is on Medicaid . That’s all I know.

Idk if there’s a time limit for insurance or his stay there. My fear is that he will be calling to say his time is up and he has to leave. I heard of someone’s son who went there and found job and apartment and did not go back to parents home, so I am hoping my son is able to do that. I don’t know what the eligibility or requirements are. In that person’s case the son od’d at home. The father, single parent, dropped him off at the shelter and said “you will never live with me. I will not take care of you again”.

I wish I was that smart about it, and was able to pull that off years ago.

Posted by: Walkedon October 3, 2019, 10:55 AM
Maybe it's time to let your daughters stuff go. I know it's her good stuff but she can get good stuff again when she recovers.
We can't pay for these adults forever.

Posted by: samegame October 3, 2019, 4:05 PM
Sallyanna it must be tougher with a medical background and know and seeing worst case scenarios play out. If given a strategic chance try to relay your concerns through your experiences but unless it's the right time she'll feel like you are badgering her.

As far as the storage unit goes it depends on what stuff she has in there. Is it valuable, irreplaceable or just practical stuff like extra pots & pans. But if you already gave your daughter chances and warnings about money perhaps it's best the chips lay where they fall. Also som
e states have laws that highly personal stuff is supposed to be returned to the tenant like birth certificates, tax returns, diplomas etc-official documents. See what the law is in your state.

Good Luck

Posted by: Sallyanna October 4, 2019, 1:45 AM
I understand what you are saying. I see where this is going because then there is always the next month's payment....and I don't have the next month's payment nor does she. Her sister has the money to pay but sees the big picture and refuses to throw her money away...which I totally understand. Its a bottomless pit. Seems everything becomes a bottomless pit. Very NTF said, it's a perpetual grief.

Posted by: mtnmom October 8, 2019, 5:29 PM
Sallyanna - my son's brothers will not even talk to him & they do not want to hear about him from us either. They want him to get clean & start acting like a normal person again. Well he's working now, supposedly 6 days a week in an area far away from his drug friends, etc. But that job will end this month but he'll still be working. He says he's doing great & they love him & he loves them.

He tried to pull the "people are looking for me", old dealers "want me dead..." I don't believe it, unless he screwed them out of a ton of money too.....

Posted by: Sallyanna October 8, 2019, 8:53 PM
Yes mtnmom can totally relate. Her sister is so pragmatic and very to the point, no nonsense. Its just her personality and she's really, really tight with ALL her money (prob why she has so much). She's not a warm fuzzy kind of person yet she's not mean just blunt. She doesn't waste time on nonsense which I think is how she sees her sister. They are so different. My oldest is very driven and has a well deserved respectful career she worked really hard for. My younger daughter (with the addiction) has not worked in 5 years.

Posted by: mtnmom October 9, 2019, 8:31 PM
Heartbreaking SallyAnna!!! Sending hugs to you & encouraging you to stay strong.... it is a very hard road....

Posted by: Sallyanna October 9, 2019, 10:40 PM
Thank you mtnmom, you too! I'm happy we all have each other for support.