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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Feeling Alone, Bf Isnt Willingly To Help Himself

Posted by: collegegirl February 16, 2017, 5:37 PM
Hi there. I found this page and had shared it with a few friends and family of mine. I have been in this relationship for the past two years and in the first year, everything was great, my boyfriend was the sweetest guy, always compassionate, patient, kind, funny, liked going out to dinner and to the movies and even the bars. A year it hit we've been together, his addiction to marijuana has gotten really bad. He broke up with me and around the time he broke up with me he was smoking constantly. before that, we'd monitor our addictions such as I would have a few coolers and he'd smoke, for the both of us it was every Wednesday (Wing Wednesaday), and every Friday (weekend starting). he'd only smoke twice a week now its every day, but later at night, so he wouldn't do it during the day.

We got back together, and now its happening again. he's been still using the same amount, and I tell him it's a depression, it changes his ways of thinking. he doesn't agree with me. he hasn't worked for almost two years and he hasn't thought of school. and I've supported him in every way I can and I hate bringing up the topic of his marijuana affecting him, but he gets defensive and I don't know how else to tell him. I went back to school and I have two PSY classes inquiring about Marijuana, funny. So I'm learning a lot about it.
My bf usually says "it's a part of my problem but it's not the problem."

It's been ruining his friendship with his close friend and he's been getting into arguments with his parents more than I can't count on my hands. I suggested he'd see a counselor. he agreed, and when it was his appt, I waited and waited at the office and he said he was running late. I then gave him the number and he told me he rebooked with our counsellor, I just found out he lied and he never called her or made another appt. I asked him about it through text and he said it very serious he didn't make an appt.

I've noticed he's been more negatively, and really really impatient when he's driving. and he isn't working towards anything. ts like we switched roles after our first breakup I used to be impatient and narrow-minded and careless because I used to drink not a lot but id gets blacked out and say mean things, not that he did any of what I did. he's just more impatient and seems a bit more selfish now. I don't do that anymore after e got back together I couldn't resort back to the first year.

On my end, I see it as a problem, yet he doesn't, he gets defensive. I'm so hurts lately and he's been distant. pushing me away and I've been still there to support him and I've been patient enough because I realized what I wanted in this relationship.

I've always lived my life trying to prove things to people, and still, do to this day because I was always forced with the truth. How do I prove to him it's affecting us and himself and his outside relationships with others without hurting him?

Posted by: hurtingmom February 17, 2017, 12:15 PM
Welcome Collegegirl!

I'm running to an appointment but wanted to quickly respond.

You said he hasn't worked iin 2 years, you are supporting him and he doesn't think he needs help with his addiction. Do I have that right? Well . . .if I was getting a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and clothes on my back . . .and apparently money to buy bud . . .but I don't have to work & contribute . . .I wouldn't think I had a problem either. I'd think every thing is ducky. . . and light up another L.

You, like many of us here, are making life easy & comfy for your addict. (We can debate whether weed is physically addicting . . .but we know it is psychologically addictive.) You are loving & supporting him. Right? Actually you are freeing up his time to go use bc he doesn't have to partake in those pesky chores, like work. That's called enabling. Please read the posts here "Ways Family Members Can Help," "Will you learn to say no," "Let me all all by myself" & "What not to do."

Simply put . . .you can talk until you are blue in the face . . .Until HE has a reason to change, he won't. And, you ain't giving him no reason. There are no consequences of his using.

I'm sure others will be on soon with more lengthy & eloquent answers. But these are my 2 cents.

Sending hugs & prayers,

Posted by: duchesschama February 17, 2017, 6:23 PM
Hi Collegegirl--

Well ,Lynn didn't mince any words and said it like it is! If nothing changes--NOTHING CHANGES!
Your guy has it all and you are the provider and as you will see after reading the posts on this site--the enabler!

My son lived with his GF for 3 years and started out using weed occasionally and then progressed to everyday. His whole personality changed and he was very negative and impatient with everyone and everything. He acted depressed as well and didn't talk much or participate in anything. He didn't work the entire time and she had a really good job and bought him everything from cigarettes to gas to weed to clothes and on and on. She paid for everything and he was verbally abusive to her and treated her like crap! He left her for another that would enjoy his bad habits with him.

If you are young and going to college and trying to better your life--you are with the wrong guy cause, he will just drag you down and use you up.
I wouldn't hesitate to be packing it up and moving on because you CANNOT change him --only yourself and your direction in life.

Good luck and I pray you will make wise choices--Lori

Posted by: hurtingmom February 17, 2017, 6:34 PM
Was I harsh? Certainly didn't mean to be. Wasn't my intent. I was rushed for time. So sorry if I sounded heartless or came across as cruel. Was not my intent at all. Next time I'll be more diplomatic and won't be so terse.

I hope that I didn't scare you away, Collegegirl. I wasn't making any judgments, either. Was just trying to help by offering the nickel version of the dollar story.

So sorry if I offended,

Posted by: duchesschama February 17, 2017, 11:56 PM

You weren't harsh just telling the truth and the way it really is. We all know because we have been there and done that in some version or another.

She asked for advice and we are just being honest about it and real!

I hope and pray she can see the path she is headed on is not the right one.


Posted by: Plopez February 18, 2017, 12:00 AM
Have you heard from your son?
Been praying for y'all

Posted by: duchesschama February 18, 2017, 12:08 AM

Not a word since before Christmas. No one has seen him either. He hasn't paid his car loan so it is ordered to be repossessed. I did text him Happy New Year and Happy Birthday on Feb. 8th when he turned 46. Also said --love you. No response.
I think he may have moved out of state to keep his car from getting repossessed. Don't know just a guess???

How is Z doing? Been praying for you both too!