The New Normal
Posted: March 10, 2020, 1:13 PM

Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020

K and her ex have separated their possessions. K moved her stuff into the townhouse. She is still trying to get a job.. and has had a few promising interviews.

I've stayed in touch with the ex because he and K can have limited contact due to the retraining order, and I want to maintain cordial relations with him for B's sake.

K is still doing her vanishing act.. so I believe she is complying with the court order to quit drinking, but is not really accepting responsibility for what has happened or how this is impacting others in the family.

She is going to AA, but she tells me after listening to other stories, she realized that she isn't as bad off as other people. And this whole mess happened because she drank a little too much. (Did I mention she drove a car I gave her to use while blacked out and tore off the side mirror and gashed the whole side of the car?).

My daughter has poor judgement in actions and in moral decisions. She is thinking the solution is to find a sugar daddy who can help her with her bills. She is a beautiful girl, and presents well.. so she easily attracts men and, I believe, is using that to her advantage. I am ashamed of my daughter, and I cannot trust her... she lies with ease.

She is evasive, because she is doing things that she knows I would disapprove of.

I have not given her any money. She is not allowed to take formal possession of the townhouse until she has visible means of support.

I am heartbroken (and broken) on multiple levels. I've gone to several al-anon meetings and met some remarkable survivors who have learned to detach with love from awful situations.

Once she gets a job and moves out, my plan is to change the locks so i can control when she is here and when she isn't. Honestly, she does not stay much without B, but her presence lingers long after she shuts the door.

Part of me wants to call it quits. But I won't do that to my extended family. I have people who genuinely love and rely on me. And it's for them that I am committed to stay above ground. I read somewhere that suicide does not end the pain, it only pays it forward.

This is the most awful thing I've lived through.. AND ITS NOT EVEN DUE TO MY ACTIONS.

Posted: March 10, 2020, 3:02 PM

Posts: 149
Joined: November 10, 2019

Please don't take your daughter's behavior personally Juniper. It all belongs to her. She sounds like a sociopath to me. No empathy, no remorse, uses other people for her gain, very selfish. She doesn't appear to want to change. Focus on your life not hers. She doesn't care sadly.
Posted: March 12, 2020, 10:40 AM

Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020

I've gone to several al-anon meetings and am finding them very comforting in clearing up my perspective. I've also signed up for some one on one counseling.

The ex is not allowing our side of the family to have any time with B that is not contained within the 2-3 days a week K is allowed supervised visitation. I'm hoping as dust settles, this will ease.. but I'm also bracing myself for a change in my access to B.. and this is the most difficult part of this.

K is not staying with me on nights she does not have B.. she tells me she is with girlfriends, not doing anything stupid (her SCRAM will record any alcohol consumption) .. and it is probably best for me to have less contact with her.

I am coming to grips that my daughter has an anti-social personality.. someone mentioned here that they thought she could be sociopathic. I spoke with my stepmom and dad (who are both psychologists) and they confided that they had thought that for quite some time but did not want to share their assessment with anyone in the family.

I can't bring myself to utter that word out loud, but am seeing things much more clearly now.

My heart physically hurts.. just a heaviness in my chest.. so i'm reaching out to al-anon groups on regular basis and now a counselor. Step 1: admitting there is a problem, everything is out of control, and here's the inventory of crap

For so long my hope has been for K getting better. I'm beginning to realize that my hope shoudl be focused on myself getting better.

And where B falls is a great unknown at this point.

Crazy, I have a job where I am on conference calls regularly.. so I take a call, keep the projects going, get off the phone and cry for awhile.. Thank goodness I can work from home and keep video turned off lol

Posted: March 12, 2020, 3:52 PM

Posts: 149
Joined: November 10, 2019

Its a grieving process for us and sounds like you are grieving. We love our child yet feel helpless at the choices they make. I remember when I first learned of my daughter's addiction my heart sank. The heartache was (still is) very painful. We see their young lives reduced to a fish bowl. Its very sad to see these beautiful young people slowly destroy themselves. Addiction is a cruel evil monster. Juniper how old is your daughter?
Posted: March 12, 2020, 9:51 PM

Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020

she is 31, soon to be 32. She's has displayed disruptive behavior (skipping school, actiing defiant, under age drinking) since her early teens. She had B when she was 28, I thought she had settled down and grown up.. but I was not getting the whole store. She's very good at controlling the narrative and keeping her different family and social groups in the dark.

The things she has done are outlandish. Once she wanted to date a particular boy who I had heard was a problem. So I told her "Lee" was unwelcome in my house. So for several months, I welcomed a boy named "Kyle" into my home.. and did not find out until many months later, he was actually "Lee". I don't card people as they enter my house, so I did not know. She had her brother in on the ruse.

I feel like a fool for having believed in her for all these years and given her 2nd chances. I'm done with those. I am detaching, and I hope at some point to detach with love, but right now I am detaching with anger, but not cruelty. I stay aware of who I am dealing with and who she really is.

I'm thinking her issues may go beyond alcohol and pot. But I'm trying not to rush to judgment.

This post has been edited by Jupiter2 on March 12, 2020, 9:53 PM
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