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Posts: 3
Joined: April 16, 2017
Posted: April 16, 2017, 10:40 PM
It's always a holiday that gets me. No matter how much I try not to think about my son not being with me, I always end up bawling and depressed. On a daily basis, there is always an aching hole in my heart, but I keep busy and try to push thoughts of him out of my head. I blame myself of course for his problems. He is my only child and I spoiled and protected him because his father is an addict and I had such guilt about how he really did not have a father growing up. I was his mother and father. Now he is 20 years old and living with his loser father because I finally had enough and got the strength up to tell him he is not welcome in my home anymore until he gets his s*** together. He has no job as far as I know and when he stayed with me, never had one for longer than a few weeks. Got kicked out of High School right before graduation because he had missed so much school and was so behind that it was pointless. And is a certified genius. Go figure. Had damn near every college in the country after him and had a free ride to the local college here and did not even try. Wrecked my car, wrecked his car that my sister gave him, stolen and pawned a crapload of stuff from me and my current husband, professional liar, etc. Y'all know. Overdosed a couple of times and went to rehab for a month and came out completely bulls***ting us into believing he was done with drugs. That lasted a week or two. Blew a great job with my brother-in-law. Stole from them. Was sent to his dad's where the last time I saw and spoke with him was 2 months or so ago. Went to bring him his birth certificate because he was all about going to college again. Couldn't get him on his cell. The home phone was off the hook. I drove like a mad woman to his dad's and found the door open, him out cold on the sofa with spilled food all over the floor. So f***ed up on Xanax that his breathing was labored and I called 911. By the time they got there I had slapped the s*** out of him and got him up, so he was somewhat coherent when they got there and said although they could tell he was wasted, they could not take him to the hospital because he said he did not want to kill himself. Said if he would have been out cold they could have taken him. So really I should have not done s*** and just waited for them to get there but I was scared he was dying. Then he proceeds to tell the cop that I liked drama and was always making s*** up for dramatic effect. I told him I never wanted to see or speak to him again. And I haven't. And I am dying inside. I cried all the way through church today begging and praying to God to please save my son. I feel like throwing up. I know there is nothing that I can do but sit back and let whatever is going to happen, happen. I cannot control him or make him do anything. But he is my baby. It feels like a knife is in my heart 24 hours a day. I wait for the phone call that he is dead. I am going crazy inside my head but luckily I can hide it most of the time. Having a loved one who is an addict is really a living hell on earth.
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Posts: 60
Joined: March 13, 2017
Posted: April 17, 2017, 7:53 AM
Hi Susan.
I'm so sorry. I know this misery and chaos you are going through. I've been there for 14 years. Please try to relax as there is nothing you can do. Nothing. So ask yourself, will worrying and being crazed make anything better change anything. If the answer you get is yes than by all means keep worrying. If the answer you get is no, worrying won't make anything better than you might as well stop. Your son is the ringleader of this fu..Ed up circus. (My son too). But you can choose to tap out. Jump off this fu...ing ride. Do you think your spends one minute worrying about you, or feel bad how he's ruined your life, feel bad he's robbed you. No he doesn't give a sh.t my son too Listen save yourself. Have happy days you can choose this. I've finally after 14 years of endless misery have saved myself, I should have done it the minute my 29 year old son turned 18. I wish I had. Take care. | ||
Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: April 17, 2017, 8:25 AM
Hi Susan,
I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. I think holidays are always hard. I debated yesterday whether or not to send my son a text wishing him a happy Easter because one text can open up a whole can of worms. I did decide to send it and thankfully it went ok. Our daughter and her family live 850 miles from us. Our only other child is a heroin addict and only lives 10 minutes from us and isn't allowed to come over. It does suck! I'm glad that you do ok most of the time. It's ok to feel bad occasionally but if we live and breathe the life of our addicts, it consumes us and then we are as sick as they are. Keep yourself healthy and doing things that make you feel happy and safe. Try some Nar anon or Al anon meetings if you haven't yet, they can help. God bless you -------------------- Michelle | ||
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: April 17, 2017, 9:31 AM
Hi Shell--
I sent my son a "Happy Easter and I love you text" yesterday. I debated about it too, but I haven't heard from him for almost two months now, and he hasn't made his car title loan payment and they are threatening repo again. He made the last one in time before repo and I was hoping he was back on track and trying, but once again doesn't look like it! He text back and said he" doesn't know who I am ". I said "no you don't me at all"! That was the end of that! I will not be texting him anymore or wishing him Happy anything! He has made his choice. It is sooo hard, because as moms we never stop loving them, but I refuse to be treated like one of his friends on the street! Anyhow--had a wonderful Easter with my husband and 15 y/o son. Went to church and then out to dinner. Great day!!! ps-- really do miss the input from Con and others that have left this site! She always gave me strength and made me see things differently. Site seems a lot different without the "oldies" we have had on here for so long! Lori | ||
Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: April 17, 2017, 1:22 PM
Hi Shell, Glad your Easter came and went without the drama. Mine too! Take care.(hugs) Mary.🐰
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: April 17, 2017, 1:29 PM
Hi Susan, What a nightmare! But you have nothing to feel guilty about. We've all done the best we can for our kids and the majority of us are really no further ahead than we were years ago. It's good to come on here and vent though as it helps get it out of your system. Read lots of posts on here you'll find your not alone and that there are so many mothers on here just like you. Take care. Mary.💛
This post has been edited by Mandm on April 17, 2017, 1:32 PM | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 17, 2017, 7:16 PM
susan - what a heartbreaking situation - I support your decision to not speak to him for the past few months. Find a place where you can really vent all of this out of your head. Try NarAnon or Al anon -- keep going until you feel some freedom. you need to save yourself. If there's too many bad memories, think about cleaning out the house, packing things up and moving to a location that inspires you.
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Posts: 3
Joined: April 16, 2017
Posted: April 18, 2017, 12:47 AM
Thanks to all of y'all for the words of encouragement. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in the things that I feel. Children hurt their mothers the worst. My husband is wonderful, but he will never understand the bond between mothers and children. He is my son's step-father, but he hurts also about the situation because he has been in my life since my son was 10 and they used to adore each other. But his pain can never compare to mine. I'm not trying to minimize his pain, but as mothers know, it is indescribable. Anyway, so I caved last night and sent him a simple "I love you sweetheart" His response was "well, you don't act like it" Typical manipulation move lol. I actually laughed when I read it. Then I responded "well, I do" and that was it. I did not text anymore. My husband said, watch, he's gonna text you again because he is relieved to hear from you after all of this time. This is the text exchange from today-HIM "Why did you send me that?" ME "I just wanted to tell you I love you, but I will not be having a conversation with you until you get your life together" HIM "Well, you picked a good time" (another manipulation move) I didn't fall into his trap like I usually would and ask what is wrong, but God and my husband have given me the strength to stick to my tough love. I didn't text back. Then later he texted "Can you send me a picture of Gator?" (One of my dogs that he adores) Again, I ignored him. Then about an hour later he texted "I love you too" I did not answer, but went in the bathroom, thanked God for my strength and then bawled like a baby. But I stood my ground. Please Lord Jesus, save my baby. Help him hit rock bottom and get straight and come back into my life.
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