| post replypost new topic |
Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018
Posted: March 20, 2019, 11:10 PM
Well feeling at my wits end, although my functioning addict works every day like I have said before not disrespectful, I keep out of his place, but today for some reason it got the better of me!!!, really only confirmed that he is still using which I really knew, how he can life in what I can only say a s*** tip!, is beyond me, I did't even start snooping about, things all over, there was all evidence of drug use, but things that was taken to pieces, couch you could' even sit on it, I freaked out, in panic phoned my other son, ( still waiting for him to get back to me) don't think I want to phone other brother up, think he just thinks how long do we help him, found letters that haven't been opened, I kept telling him he has mail what was it, knew by how he responded that it was probly be debt, sure enough I opened one and it was, told me the other night it was phone company and he has gone on a plan, yes!! Letters have been coming for months. I felt like throwing everything out onto the garden, and teling him that's it, your recovery has been going on maybe 3 years and I don't feel you are in any better position than you was at the start, I think and I know this is a soft landing here, and ime not helping! Feeling sick, and I really don't know, what to do
| ||
Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: March 20, 2019, 11:18 PM
So sorry sad eyes. We really give them the benefit of the doubt and turns out it's not what it seems. They really take advantage of us don't they. I know for my daughter I don't know what to believe or do. At this point, I don't think anything I do really matters. Thinking of you..
| ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: March 21, 2019, 9:49 AM
It isn’t easy. In your first posts I responded something like.. if he is doing ok and not disrespectful and pays you and his bills, then that’s better than most and not so bad.... now I understand what u are going through. It is still bad, not good. When they are out of sight, in his own place, our rose colored glasses make us think normal things. What a shock to you to see how he is living.
That is the other weird thing about addiction. From what I have seen, when they are bad they loose everything and break everything they touch. Our son got on his own phone plan this month. We will see if he pays it and how long the phone provider lets it go on without payment. In the past our son did not pay car Ins. Classic move - have auto deduction from bank account but never keep enough in account to pay it. Frustrating. We try so hard to teach and give them what they need to be independent to leave the nest. In 2018 our son went from dysfunctional addiction to sober and back again. He supposedly sold his computer or pawned it ($2000 value for a few hundred). He is exactly at the same point he was a year ago. Only a little better bc I don’t think he is using as much as he was, and he has learned what he needs to do to be sober, if he wants to be. At this point he is out of house and at least half of his pay will hopefully go to living expenses instead of party and friends. That’s my ‘normal person’ thinking. Also know this will go on for a while This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 21, 2019, 10:03 AM | ||
|
Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018
Posted: March 21, 2019, 6:18 PM
Yes it is heartbreaking to see, always knew he was struggling, but when your actually faced with it and see the mess it’s awaful, I did talk to him la night having dinner, I always find it really awkward, asked him about the mail, he was honest with me, said it shouldn’t of got to this stage( the phone bill to long a story) has been taken over by debt agency,, it’s quite a bit, very easy for me to say I’ll fix it you pay me each week, but ime not, days he is working with his Councilor and pleading he has a drug problem, been in rehab etc, and they may waver this? Who knows, I told him s bout the disgusting mess he was living in, said it wasn’t normally as bad, did clean it up last night, but I can see how mad and frustrated he gets, he said he hates been like this, and said he will leave as soon as he can, not sure what is the best for him, he needs to sort his finances out first, at work atm, so hard trying to keep myself together, lots of toilet breaks, wish there was a magic wand for us all
| ||
|
Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: March 21, 2019, 9:25 PM
Sad eyes it is heartbreaking. Your son sounds like a gentle soul...very cooperative, yet still using. My daughter is usually very sweet and now she is very mean. I'm at a loss and have thrown my hands on the air...I did mention to her that drugs were the common denominator in all the problems and issues she's having and if she worked at getting off them alot of her problems would disappear. Her response was "what am I suppose to do all day?" I'm not dealing with a full deck.
| ||
|
Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018
Posted: March 22, 2019, 5:31 AM
Thank you for your replays, hard as it it, it is what it is, and your exactly right sallyanne about drugs been the common denominator in all there issues, if they had to work on the drug use maybe eventually the other issues will start falling into place, who knows, I feel my son is going quite within himself, he hardly goes out, and just seems pissed of all time, although no different to as he was as a kid, wouldn't it be something if in a few years we can look back on these posts, and think oh my goodness they did it, came through it all, are we just dreaming? I hope not
| ||
|
Posted: March 22, 2019, 1:26 PM
Worry about yourself for now.
And until the person or addict really wants to change and/or stop because they want to nothing will happen. There are other issues besides the chemical as well. It includes a way of life and a 'feeling' they've become all too familiar with. To them a sober life without substances for fun,stress control or comfort is unfathomable. To get to that point they must hit a rock bottom. After a certain point many say one shouldn't do anything to stop or delay them from hitting that bottom. | ||
|
Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018
Posted: March 23, 2019, 5:45 PM
Yes same game that is my thinking, it can only be he that wants to change until then Dosent matter what any one else does he has to want it, in relation to substances for fun for him he hardly goes out, which also saddens me, so I know he is only using to try and get through life ATM, he works hard but as many has nothing, sad all round
| ||
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: March 25, 2019, 7:51 PM
sad eyes, I agree! You are what matters right now, all your love, help & assistance is falling on deaf ears.
Addicts will take what we give & WE are the ones who end up stressed, crying, angry, frustrated & pushed into a corner. I often think to myself "I want someone to worry about ME!" Just once.... and by someone I mean my sons. You start thinking about what YOU can do for yourself and remember YOU DIDN'T CAUSE THIS, YOU CAN'T CONTROL THIS & YOU CAN'T CORRECT IT... I realize now that no matter what I do or suggest, my son is going to whatever he wants to do... | ||
|
Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018
Posted: March 26, 2019, 8:00 PM
Thank you mtnmom yes I agree i am slowly learning, I have stepped right back and do think he eventually will sort himself out, but ime really not sure, sometimes I wish he wasent living here then what you don't see you don't worry about, am I just turning a blind eye to things? We can go on forever questioning are selves, ime actually tired of it all, I have two other boys I feel we are sometimes all growing apart slowly, they are busy with life, I get that, sometimes I think they could try and do more with there brother, but I suppose there thinking is different to mine, the addict owes his brother money, he has had every oppatunaty to pay him back, I don't think he has , don't want to know, so why would the brother put in with him, they haven't fallen out, but again the addiction cycle
| ||
|
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: March 26, 2019, 9:40 PM
Sad Eyes, I too have 3 adult sons - 47, 45 & 43. 47 & 45 were very close growing up & close thru out the years. 43 always marched to a different drummer - only wants to play the guitar, never has been consistently employed, irresponsible, etc. etc..... 47 & 45 were good athletes, usually had jobs, married - normal relationships & their jobs were very good jobs. Which one do you think became the drug addict? Not 43, he's a single father with 2 kids doing the best he can. It was 45! My funny, smart son chose meth over his wife, his brothers, his grandmother, his parents, his friends & finally his job. Now everyone is sick of his crap - we all supported him emotionally during rehabs & his divorce. He was clean for a year & a half & showed us how good he could be. But now that he has relapsed & is ugly, lying, begging, borrowing & stealing, we are done.
At Christmas he decided to drive to AZ & stay with his brother & wife "for a while". His brother made the heart breaking decision to call his brother & tell him NO, you aren't staying with me & NO, I won't lend or give you any money... told him they love them with all their hearts but until he seeks treatment or therapy, there won't be any "help" from them. We (his parents) told him the same & yesterday his youngest brother told him not to come around looking for money because that's not happening again. So I'm sure now he's pissed at everyone, but we all know it is his own fault. It doesn't mean we are constantly thinking about him & worrying about what he's going to do, etc. but he has turned down every offer for help we have offered. We even offered that if he would get into treatment, after he was clean & proved he was clean, we'd pay for a cheap apt. for a couple of months for him to get a job. Fell on deaf ears. He doesn't want help for himself, he wants to manipulate the ones who love him. He told us he got a job, he told his brother he didn't get it & his girlfriend has moved out or something crazy sh** You are trying to control chaos - it's like herding chickens. He's 45 - full of drama, complaints, ugliness, lies, manipulation, hurt & drugs. But those are his choices - I've seen the other side & I liked it | ||
|
Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018
Posted: March 27, 2019, 6:43 AM
Mtnmom yes I do think it is the child who becomes the addict is the one you least expect, my boys are a lot younger eldest 32 27 and 26, if any of them I would of thought it been my middle one, although he is the one that always achieved in anything he did, sports wise not really schooling, from a young kid seemed to know how to wrap people round his fingers!! Think the youngest ( the addict) always felt he could never be as good, anyway none of them have fallen out, but think it's all just wearing thin with them, how longs a piece of string! The eldest is good with him, but is busy with family work etc, think even he thinks and has learnt there is nothing more we can do, just sat like we do and had dinner, and he just seems normal, has a conversation with me, I wish he would find a girlfriend, maybe then he has something else in his life, maybe he feels he has nothing to give, who knows, sometimes in are heads where always wanting answers, sometimes there is no answer,
| ||
|
| post replypost new topic |