Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format
Message Board > Other Addictions > I Keep Falling In Love With Escorts


Posted by: Dave August 1, 2015, 7:58 AM
Hi I am in my late 30's, I have previously had drug and alcohol problems and was addicted to crack and heroin for several years. I still drink and occasionally take coke ? but the problem I have is that i keep falling for escorts, I know its not never going to work (this is what they have told me) now when it starts to happen I just stop seeing them but it means I wander around feeling lovesick most of the time.
I have been in several long term relationships most of which ended badly for me and i guess I am trying to fill the gap from where i got my heart broke?
I used to get by on my looks but that stopped working several years ago. Not sure what i am trying to say here i am just feeling a lot of pain and keep on putting myself through it. If don't i feel so alone that my thoughts turn to suicide but this is something i would never act on, thinking about it all the time is rubbish.

Any help or advice would be greatly received, i don't know what to do with myself

Posted by: Papa Bear August 1, 2015, 9:39 AM
If don't i feel so alone that my thoughts turn to suicide but this is something i would never act on, thinking about it all the time is rubbish.

I used to think about it too when I was in my 30's .... by my 40's I was on psyche ward suicide watches..

I have been in AA/NA for over 1/4 century and have seen many dead folks who would "never do it".

As we go through our years many of us change addictions.
It's so subtle we can't (in our blindness) distinguish what is happening.

Dave, you are no better or worse than most of the guys I know at the AA/NA meetings.
You sound like a garden variety addict/alcoholic to me (like me) and if you got to some meetings you would hear your story told repeatedly.
You would not feel alone anymore and you would see how others overcome their disease.

Some quick reading if want... see if you can identify.
It truly is so little about the substance and so much about my "thinking". I have to change Bob.
AA How IT WORKS http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf
AA Promises http://www.singaporeaa.org/PDFs/The_AA_Promises.pdf

All the best.

Bob


Posted by: Dave August 1, 2015, 9:51 AM
Thanks Papa Bear

I have been to NA/SAA/SLAA and CA

They all make me feel very uncomfortable I have gone to them on and off for years and only managed to share once and that was not voluntary.

You are right i do need to get to some meetings again, but need to choose which ones carefully

Posted by: Papa Bear August 1, 2015, 10:02 AM
Dave:

Please read HOW IT WORKS again slowly. It is very important.

"Half measures availed us nothing" ...
" We hung on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely"

If it's going to work you have to jump in with both feet (a VERY painful thing for us to do)

My sponsor told me 26 yrs ago that I had to COMMIT ... not just be INVOLVED.

He said the difference was like a bacon & egg breakfast:
The chicken is involved and the pig is committed.

In the end, the thing that gets us to surrender/commit is our undeniable sense that we are hopelessly doomed on our own.

The first paragraph of HOW IT WORKS describes it to a "T".

All the best.

Bob R

Posted by: Dave August 1, 2015, 10:35 AM
I am an atheist and have never been able to get past the god parts of the 12 steps

Posted by: Papa Bear August 1, 2015, 10:57 AM
I was an atheist as well when I came to recovery.

I discovered that belief had not served me well in my life or in recovery and I began to read "The Chapter to The Agnostic" http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt4.pdf in The Big Book.

I quickly realized that I had many "Higher Powers" in the past (booze, drugs, sex, gambling etc) all of which I had no trouble relying on for my good feelings & well being.
The oldtimers in AA pretty well all came in with prejudices and trepidations about God but they slowly melted away as they discovered that IT WORKED !! God works and God loves us !!
I had to change my perception about God... that was the problem. God wasn't the problem.
(More work, more change, more pain).
Billions of people say their prayers daily and live happy lives. I came to want that too !!

The 2nd Step says "Came to believe" and that is what happened to me

Another thing i realized is I wasn't "my own man" . I couldn't make a decision and stick to it.

I WAS A CHAMELION !! I had to choose wisely where I hung out as I slowly turned that color.

I put myself often at meetings and talking to newcomers. I try to carry the word.

Bill W found that out early on when trying to help others. The others didn't always stay sober but Bill did.

My best thinking goes against the grain of AA's good orderly direction.
I had to choose MY way or AA's way.

I am a horribly sick puppy but so much better than I used to be ....

Bob

Posted by: poopie September 12, 2015, 11:41 PM
Have you ever tried just dating women. Or men? you might find love there...your finding love in all the wrong places sweetie. Just saying love

Posted by: candace September 23, 2015, 3:17 PM
As we go through our years many of us change addictions.
It's so subtle we can't (in our blindness) distinguish what is happening

This is powerful information.

I think I've always been addicted to the feeling of being in love or the idea of it. Before I started drinking heavily and gambling tens of thousands of dollars away...I realize I was in patterns of relationships for the "high". Some of them were dangerous. I was physically abused and mentally for so many years...I never looked at it as an addiction. The lows of not receiving that "high" when things would go south were most definitely times of suicidal thoughts and behaviors. Some of these guys I knew I didn't love but I wanted them to love and adore me. So I could feel "something". I think I've turned just about everything into an addiction. Crash and burn and return or move on to something I would think is helping me but I'm really going into it for control and a high.

I have recently (until my latest relapse) done something I've never done. Just exist. No pressures or expectations. Just feeling my way around sober and not rushing anything. I'm a type "A" which I know is typical for addicts. So for me to not have some ambition on the burner and be spinning in as much chaos as I can muster up is a new bag. It's been intriguing though not beating myself up and just trying to heal. This is where we have to let go and let God. For me, being Catholic my entire life I've never let him have the wheel. I "was" enjoying just letting days come and go without overly analyzing my life and freaking out about how much time I have left. KNOWING that God has you and loves you is HUGE. We don't feel we deserve the love.

I can't make my husband love me the way I need to be loved. I'm super lonely and there are times I want to just rush out there and have an affair but I have learned to love myself for the first time. Divorce is imminent in my future but the POSSIBILITIES are so exciting to think that your life is an empty canvas as far as tomorrow goes. Dream. Want more. You deserve it!!!! I promise myself I'm not going to settle for less and remember how much value I have to offer. Think about the romantic side of you someone out there is missing.

Posted by: Guest March 5, 2016, 12:03 PM
I was a sex worker and would tell the men anything they wanted to hear for money. It's all fake. You're in love with the fantasy. Hope,you find real love

Posted by: AWalton789 March 23, 2016, 1:09 AM
Hello Dave, I understand your concern. Actually in my late 30's I've also have similar problem. I was used to fall in love with porn girls. When I was watching porn if I see a beautiful girl I fall for her. Though all porn girls are very hot and beautiful. I did managed to get rid of this habit by finding a true love and I just married her 2 years ago. Since after my marriage I've managed to get rid of that addiction.

Posted by: Libra August 18, 2018, 2:47 AM
Hello Dave,

You have had some awesome advice here from Bob/Papabear and others.

Being uncomfortable at meetings is totally natural, it takes a while to get over that. It does happen though.

The question is, what makes you more uncomfortable, your addiction or trying recovery? If the answer is escorts, then that is denial, cause you sound like you hurt!

Think of it this way, when I started giving my recovery the time and effort I used to expend in my addiction, progress started being made by living a healthy life.

Check out what I posted near the top of the posts, a post started by pleasehelpme.

There are many, many guys addicted to escorts, massage parlors...ect. You are not alone.

As far as God, don't worry if you believe or not, act "As if", work hard for your recovery, because you are worth it! The God part will take care of itself IF you work the 12 steps. I learned I cannot recover alone, I needed support, the 12 steps delivers EXACTLY that.