How To Trust
Posted: August 12, 2017, 10:36 AM

Posts: 354
Joined: January 10, 2016

It's been awhile since I've posted an update on my addict son who is now 36 and has had a very rough 1 1/2 years. I stop enabling and he hit bottom. Running from a warrant with a girl that was a tough cookie and even taught my son things he didn't know about living on the street.

On April 1 he was arrested for Domestic Violence, using Meth for the first time. His DOC is Xanax and pills, with a cocktail of Heroin. He has been in contact with a old g/f who also went through addiction had a child and is now been in recovery for years. He reached out to her and only way she would help him is rehab.

He agreed. Came back home turned himself in, she arrange for a rehab because of no money they promised him a grant to pay. She contacted judge, probation officer and PD. They agreed to close case it was a misdemeanor, however it was his third. They release him to the rehab. He needed money , guess who paid. yeap $650! for two weeks and after first week oh sorry your grant was denied because you are not using the right drug. HUH!! what is that. So they wanted $375 a week. He got a job right away but he was only making $500. So he has to pay for drs therapy, his medication and rehab what's left. Of course he moved out after two weeks.

His g/f mother works for a very exclusive rehab so she agreed he could stay with them conditions dr/counseling ,therapy and anything that will work in his recovery process. Church is a must.

So far so good, but why do I feel not all is right. Past history, his manipulating, the lies?
G/f and I were in contact all the time. I sent clothes, money to get her started with him. Paid for rehab and not a peep out of my son. We only spoke once. Not a thank you. lolol Like I would of gotten that.

The drs/counceling, therapy all has to come out of his pocket, he doesn't qualify for health insurance. I don't get that because thought Obamacare provided it for low income and wealthy? Anyway he is ok four months sober and working, seeking help.

But it's with baited breath right now. I don't know if it's worse if they are active using or in process of recovery. Either way it's still keeping me on the rollercoaster, until this week.

I hop off and told g/f it's all you. I will cheer him on in background put stop pulling me in when you don't like my answers or questions because I will always wonder when he is going to slip.

thanks for listening, just one of those days.


This post has been edited by Helplessness on August 12, 2017, 10:37 AM
Posted: August 12, 2017, 8:50 PM

Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016

Sue, Its nice to hear some good news! I know what you mean about the roller coaster. my son has been living close by since march. he was in fla and did well in rehab and sober living, but always relapsed when he left them. over the winter he spent 4 months at his sister's house where he had no access to drugs, except alcohol. came back in march, got a full time job, and back to the drugs. he says he only uses a little to help w sleeping. not the full truth. never saves $$ by the next paycheck. I too feel on edge all the time about it. my son is not participating in any programs and has told me he does not have a problem so 'stop talking about it'.

he did say he would go to a dr when he got health ins from job, which was last month. so I guess I should start nagging about that..... I feel that if his life is on track, then my life will feel better too. I understand that you dont want to be in the drama. I had a few weeks where I felt good about stuff, but this past week, I'm edggy again. Its hard to turn the brain off!

Good idea to put a hold on the phone calls, etc. let him feel that his life is in his control, not yours. dont respond right away when they do call. a few weeks ago I stopped answering by son's calls bc it was 3 days before a paycheck. I knew he would be asking for $$. He called once a day and didnt leave a message. I did not return the calls.

I have to stay tough on that or it happens so quick that I get caught off guard and give him a 20. what do I do when I get home from work and he stops by and needs gas!!?? ugh! and its 3 days til a pay check. so, for now, if I have to nag him to make him a better person and financially off my back, then I will try it.... for now. maybe he will get tired of the nagging and stay away from me and take care of himself! can only hope.

Hope you, your son and family stay well.

PS - your son is very lucky that everyone/everything fell into place and he has a clean slate.
my son, too, was very lucky he landed the job he has. it isnt so easy for them as they get older. people places, things are not so forgiving.

yes, take a step back and regain your life. give them a 6 month rule.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on August 12, 2017, 9:13 PM
Posted: August 13, 2017, 9:37 AM

Posts: 354
Joined: January 10, 2016

Thank you NY now and then I need to post on here to just get those funky feelings out of my head. I've walk away from him and also my eldest son's drama. Not that he using or anything. He is pretty level headed. Just his wife and her emotional problems.

Just hit that big number 60 and it's time to relax and enjoy life.

Posted: August 13, 2017, 6:51 PM

Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016

I am on the 2nd month of a 6 month break from my son and it is the first time in years that I can breathe, relax, and sleep again!
I don't know what January 2018 (when the 6 months are up )will bring, but I do know that I have learned so much from this. Anything we did in the past never helped and I have put in where it belongs--in the past. I am only moving forward and I will no longer be my son's savior as we only have one savior and I just needed to get out of His way!

I saw this today and I find it is so true:


When I finally ran out of tears was when I stopped the craziness and got off the roller coaster!

Wishing and praying for you NY and for you Sue!

(((HUGS))) Lori
Posted: August 16, 2017, 4:47 PM

Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015

Hi Sue,
I think it takes quite awhile before addicts in recovery can be trusted. I think if you continue to have boundaries and not let them be crossed, you'll be ok, even if you let him fully back into your life. The boundaries have always been the key. We just never put them fully into place until our addicts had worn us out. Thinking of you.

Posted: August 16, 2017, 11:11 PM

Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016

Glad there is some effort. It is amazing how costly these things are and no help. I don't know how anyone can afford it.

I love the quote about running out of tears. It is so sadly true.

I am proud of you staying away for 6 months! That is so healthy for you and your son.

Never any thank you for anything. Here also!

Today, I felt like curling up on the couch and being sad, but I did NOT. I tried to put it completely out of my mind and get done what I needed to. It felt good.
Posted: August 17, 2017, 7:48 PM

Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016

update: my son is making a dr appointment. (funny how the smallest, dumbest thing can give us hope) initially to get meds. but hoping it will give him someone to talk to, get him off the street buying, get him into the mindset of 'taking as directed'. hoping one good thing leads to another.
hugs everyone
Posted: September 19, 2017, 9:14 AM

Posts: 354
Joined: January 10, 2016

that is great news. Just got back online. Silly thing Hurricane Irma decided to visit.

J is doing ok daily struggles. His g/f that is helping him with recovery is now pregnant Not a good thing!! He still needs so much work, and teeth! :)..
So we will see it's been 5 months since he has been sober. He is seeing a psychiatrist. However he wants him to go to a therapist and counseling.
Therapist tools to say no and counseling to overcome the things he did while on drugs. He just doesn't have money so this is all out of pocket.

Keep me update hopefully you have seen a turn in his behaviour!! xxxx

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