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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > It's So Important

Posted by: Sallyanna March 26, 2019, 10:35 PM
I think it's so important to keep our own identity and life intact as best as possible. Its not easy and I know for me it wanes in and out. It's always a constant awareness for me because for years I was lost in it. I got washed away and had to fight my way back by practicing self discipline and self care. I do think the person we love with an addiction can become our addiction. So much so our life evolves around them and everything gets put on hold until things get better...meanwhile our life is passing us by. I'm not going to allow my daughter's addiction to take my life too. I hope I don't sound selfish or that I don't care about my daughter. I just want to keep living and let my daughter know, by example, life is for living.

Posted by: Walkedon March 27, 2019, 12:23 AM
I agree dealing with my daughter in her addiction has become my addiction. I am trying to live my life. Trying to be supportive with out trying to control this mess.

Posted by: samegame March 27, 2019, 4:21 PM
I agree Sallyanna that addicted person should not become our addiction. Their behaviors in our presence and others makes them hard to forget and/or detach. Certain lines get crossed and a skirmish can turn into a battle which becomes part of 'war'. Old platitude but one must chose which battles to fight very carefully. The battles for yourself should come first.

One must take care of themselves physically, financially and mentally. I've seen too many get dragged down by all three focusing on addicted loved ones.

Especially with 'adult' addict maybe many should place more clear cut boundaries earlier in the process of obvious addiction. Time and age will not cure them. Some call it tough love or addict blaming but the sober should be allowed to protect themselves as well.

Posted by: Jointheclub April 12, 2019, 9:10 PM
Funny you posted this, Sallyanna. I was just thinking about this "addiction to the addict" thing today. My daughter has been gone for over six months and I still look at my cell phone in the middle of the night. I used to get the craziest texts in the wee hours-- my daughter had been thrown out of sober living for relapsing or they'd found a syringe and tossed her out. She'd go back to treatment and I'd wait for that shoe to drop. Sooner or later, she'd relapse and walk out of treatment. I was consumed with her recovery or lack thereof. It was a truly a disease too. All the research says the addict senses when you're consumed by them, and you're supposed to let go totally or they won't recover. I could never let go as hard as I tried. There are some on this forum who have done a tremendous job letting their addicts fall. Here I am still fighting codependency (in a subconscious way usually in the middle of the night) and my daughter is not even here. That's how powerful the sickness can be for some of us. I also believe PTSD plays a part.

Posted by: Sallyanna April 12, 2019, 11:17 PM
Jointheclub when I hear from my daughter it's usually in the middle of the night. My daughter was also kicked out of sober living and I do feel the anxiety for the next call about the next crisis..or leaving detox...or going to go then doesn't show up. I think it's PTSD too. Its all traumatizing and it's profoundly sad at the same time. Thinking of you and I really appreciate your posts, Sallyanna.

Posted by: YellowBirds April 13, 2019, 7:03 AM
I usually hear from my son in the middle of the night too! It’s devastating to me. Reminds me that he’s awake when the rest of the world is sleeping.

I still sleep with my cell phone in my hand so I won’t miss his call / text saying he’s ready to accept help (which, I realize, is not likely). My therapist has talked to me about letting go of the phone but I’m not there yet.

Late night phone calls terrify me.

Posted by: Walkedon April 13, 2019, 9:11 AM
I've managed to put the phone down, turned off the notification sounds. I admit on those anxious nights I still pick it up,just to check.
I am slowly setting more boundaries between myself and daughter. She is still using but at the moment is a lot better. I want to see her move forward but she seems stuck. We are at standstill, things can go either way.

Jointheclub ,still thinking of you.

Posted by: RichardB6 April 17, 2019, 6:39 AM
I totally agree with you

Posted by: Parenting2 April 17, 2019, 10:12 PM
Definitely some power PTSD to always work through. I have many triggers that can cause something like a panic attack or bring me to tears. I sometimes wonder if I will get over this weird reaction to police officers. I almost panic if I see a car anywhere near my house.

Posted by: mtnmom April 23, 2019, 8:54 AM
I have FINALLY realized that until my son decides to make changes for himself, not because I want him to or he is ordered to, my worrying, crying, enabling, researching, etc. is a waste of my time & my life. You are right, his addiction has become my addiction & his addiction is tormenting me each & every hour of every day. He is destroying my life as he has destroyed his

Posted by: Parenting2 April 23, 2019, 5:58 PM
It is so true. It makes no sense, but love does not help. And, we have to turn off our feelings of sympathy and pain and be strong and move away.

My son crossed a line once when I was crying and pleading. He basically said something so horrible and nasty I don't want to even repeat it. I know it was the drug, he was high on spice. But, it changed me and I have never changed totally back. I realized that his brain was not right and that he was full of hate or psychosis or both. I guess I finally got the message: he did not want my help.

He is doing better at this point. Still immature and self-centered but thankfully has left the spice for now.

You really do have to get away from him. It is complete drug (and probably mental illness) fueled craziness that will suck you under. It is okay to say ENOUGH abuse. Be safe and reach out for support.

Posted by: mtnmom April 23, 2019, 7:48 PM
Awww P2, I'm sorry!! They hurt us so horribly & then act shocked & appalled when WE have had enough. We all have choices to make, all the money, resources & love in the world can't force or help an addict get well if they don't think they have a problem...

Posted by: NyToFlorida April 24, 2019, 8:55 AM
That is the point I got to... slow learner … Husband and I were getting sick. loosing weight, gaining weight. our own lives were non-existent. just work and crisis every day. we lost sight of our other two children. couldn't leave the house. fear of what would happen if we were away for a few days.

I finally saw that son did not care about us. only about his needs.

I got tired of sharing all of my resources and getting nothing in return except financial worry.

addiction is quite a relentless fellow. does not stop until everything is gone, broken, destroyed. and then moves on to another.... a parasite.

Posted by: Parenting2 April 24, 2019, 10:12 PM
SO TRUE. That is a great analogy. It truly is a parasite!

Posted by: mtnmom April 26, 2019, 10:11 AM
NY2FL - we were physically ill too!! On anxiety meds, gaining weight (emotional eating), high blood pressure & every single time when we in for a check up, we'd have to go back for follow up on SOMETHING. I asked my doctor why & she asked if we were under stress because stress affects every fiber of your body - from head to toe. My son went into hiding for 6 months & changed his address & phone number. After six months of no contact, we both went into the doctor & had a perfect check up - first time in YEARS. In addiction to dealing with our son, we were also dealing with my elderly mother in law & she needed us more than my son.

1 week after our good check up, son called - hysterical, crying, threatening suicide (he never actually says the word or says he's going to kill himself) but wouldn't go to the hospital with me.

We, too, are slow learners - it was actually when another family member stepped up to "help" him & he only wanted her money, despite what he said when he was crying to her. He burned her so badly that the fact he treated such a good family so bad was the final straw. We've dealt with his behavior so long we came to accept it as the norm, but now he's treating others the same. We talked to the ex-GF, treated her the same.... When we stopped being ashamed & started be honest with other family members we realized he is an equal opportunity abuser. He's abusing us, his brothers, nieces, nephews, friends, family, everyone.... I'm just happy that my mother in law passed away last year so she doesn't have to go thru this again....