Wife And Cocaine
Posted: October 20, 2019, 11:58 AM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



Sally,
You are correct, and it is what all of my friends are telling me. I know what I should do, but I am not sure I can do it. In the end it may not even matter as I am not sure she wants me back in her life.
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Posted: October 20, 2019, 12:04 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Chicagopilot I know it's hard for you by what you have posted. Its really hard to end a marriage...its a big step...very emotional for many reasons. Sorry you are struggling with so much right now....I wish you all the best and I hope you take really good care of yourself.
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Posted: October 20, 2019, 10:51 PM


Posts: 205
Joined: December 23, 2018



I worked in the court system for many years & all this advice & words of wisdom given to you is great advice! Everyone has a bottom line of what they can accept, you have to stick to your bottom line & stick to it because (in MY opinion only!!) once you allow someone to cross your bottom line on what is acceptable, you just told them that HOW they treat you is not really that important to you. I've always felt that if a spouse cheats & the other spouse forgives & forgets, you have just told them that it was ok.... (that is must my opinion, my husband & I agreed the cheating was the unforgivable sin).

I haven't dealt with an addicted spouse, but I have dealt with my addicted son. He will lying, steal, manipulate, coerce, scream, curse, threaten us, threaten suicide, make up the most ludicrous stories of horrors and NO ONE WAS SAFE FROM HIM when he is using. We just went thru 2 years of pure hell.

Someone who threatens false criminal charges, is not honest with her whereabouts & threatens you when you question her behavior has serious problems whether she has relapsed or not. SHE has to want help & you will drive yourself crazy if you let yourself be sucked into the rabbit hole. Try not to reach out to her, let her contact you. Give yourself a little time to decide this marriage is what you need to stay healthy & happy. Make sure she's not using you as the fall back, Plan B. After a little while (30 days, 60 days) have a talk & ask where "we" are going.

Good luck, I hope things work out for the best
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Posted: October 21, 2019, 3:48 AM


Posts: 335
Joined: November 16, 2017



I am very sorry to hear you are going through this.

In my opinion, you have enough information to know she relapsed. It's pretty common that the person needs to get away from healthy living to start living unhealthy. What she really means is that she is trying to decide if she wants her old life or her addict life. I am sure a part of her is devastated that she started back on the path of addiction.

But, as we all know and have written so many times, we can't help the addict. They have to help themselves. Like others have said, I would protect yourself. Put yourself first. Addiction is unpredictable, devastating and destructive.

keep sharing. We understand.
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Posted: October 21, 2019, 6:23 AM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



What is interesting that for a few days in a row she was texting and seemingly getting friendlier each day and then yesterday I did not hear a word from her the entire day.
I feel like I am sitting here waiting for the phone to go off all day long, I just don’t get how you could treat someone you supposedly care about this way.
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Posted: October 21, 2019, 8:12 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Yes, people who care about you would not treat you this way. Sadly, there are people in the world who only care about themselves and see other people as tools to get what they want. They will lie and manipulate too. Every once in a while they will throw you a few crumbs (the friendly texts) to keep you available. They do not have consistent personalities and behaviors. Having a relationship with them is like trying to grab smoke.

Chicago I hope you recognize you are codependent in this relationship. She may be addicted to cocaine and you are addicted to her and her chaos.

This post has been edited by Sallyanna on October 21, 2019, 8:28 AM
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Posted: October 21, 2019, 9:59 AM


Posts: 205
Joined: December 23, 2018



My son would send a friendly text to test the waters so to speak. He had become so unbelievably mean & nasty, we blocked his number, in fact EVERYONE he was still talking to blocked him. Then after one of us (his father or me) would respond, he'd drop his bombshell, it was usually a need for money for some horrible situation.

She may be testing to see that you are still around, waiting for her texts. See what happens if you don't answer her texts. Don't make yourself available to her beck & call. It is EXTREMELY hard & painful, but this separation should be difficult for her too.

You might want to talk to a therapist too - just someone to talk to & someone to help you make good decisions.

I'm sorry you are going thru this - so difficult & especially hard when you were trying to ensure she was happy & your actions were for her but this wasn't the reaction you wanted or needed.
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Posted: October 21, 2019, 2:36 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



Yes I also feel like that is what she may be doing.
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Posted: October 21, 2019, 3:56 PM


Posts: 184
Joined: December 21, 2018



What mntmom said. They'll be nice before they drop a bomb. Or want something. Remember addicts, adult addicts in particular have lived the life so long that grifter like behavior is second nature to them. Also people abusing chemicals will go through mood swings with either too much or not enough. Or they tried to supplement or balance out their high with something else.

I would not be mentally waiting for that one moment where she'll change her ways. DO NOT WAIT. Unless they are proactive and really really want to change on their own things will remain the same. I know people who waited for that one thing or moment that would straighten someone out and it never happened. I guess waiting gives hope but that's all it is. You can always get back together at a later date but she needs major changes in her life and from what you described I don't think she wants to or is capable right now.
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Posted: October 21, 2019, 7:53 PM


Posts: 1585
Joined: June 27, 2016



story time. a few years ago a close relative began the difficult task of leaving his wife after years of trying to forgive and justify her actions. Over the course of 5 years she became distant and barley participated as a partner in the marriage and in raising their children. he waffled between being angry and being passive. He wanted more than anything to keep the family together, no matter the cost to him emotionally. Life continued to be so dysfunctional that he had to leave. addiction was not a cause in this relationship.

It took the husband years to move on because the divorce was so dysfunctional as the wife rarely responded to him or to her lawyer. Always leaving him in a state of Not Knowing What is Going ON. It is a type of passive aggressive behavior. just string him along enough that he is paying the bills and she doesn't have to work.

She stayed in the house, lied and got a restraining order right away. he was not allowed to go to his house, be on the property, get his things out, yet he did have to continue paying the mortgage and pay his rent for an apartment and pay child support for two years. while she lived for free in the house and did not work and has a court order so he can not speak to her (or bother her in any way)

At some point in the last years of their marriage, he lost trust, he tried over and over to trust her again, but she would not give him a reason to trust. she ignored him and also threw blame back to him. telling him He's crazy, jealous. that he is too obsessive, too controlling. Even telling him that what he thought was the truth was not. He couldn't keep it up anymore. too many lies. He had to leave. It was still very heartbreaking and emotional for him. he doubted his own sanity for a while.

He would try to back off to give her some space and then she did what ever she wanted. she acted like a child who wanted to go out with her friends every week. always 'out with friends' she is over 40 yrs old.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on October 21, 2019, 7:57 PM
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Posted: October 21, 2019, 8:21 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



Well that sounds ridiculously close to my situation! That hits really close to home.
My wife is 43

This post has been edited by Chicagopilot on October 21, 2019, 8:40 PM
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Posted: October 21, 2019, 9:23 PM


Posts: 1585
Joined: June 27, 2016



I wanted you to know that you are not alone. others go thru similar gut wrenching situations at the hands of others. It is and will be very emotional for a while. you will go thru sadness, grief, and need to force yourself to move forward each day. after a few months it will be easier.

Definitely do some healing work for yourself. whether it is to see a therapist or go and do healthy physical activities that you have been putting off. or go to a favorite vacation spot for a few weeks. something to get you away from constantly thinking.

she is going to do whatever... we cant predict it... you are in control of what you can do.


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Posted: October 22, 2019, 7:58 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Its hard to have a relationship with someone we don't trust. This is not only spouses but anyone. There really is no relationship without trust. Would you fly and an airplane with a copilot you didn't trust?
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Posted: October 23, 2019, 8:25 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



Well tonight she texted and told me that she wants to cal and talk tomorrow at 11, I will let everyone know how this turns out. Pretty sure she is going to ask for a divorce. I am ready, I have my brain ready.
When that happens I will completely cut her off financially and I will take my house back.
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Posted: October 24, 2019, 11:53 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



We talked for a long time today by phone. I told her that I know what is going on. Surprisingly she responded with of course you do, you know me better than I know myself. I asked her how bad it is, she responded with I cant talk about it, but it is bad and I am getting help. I left it alone.
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Posted: October 25, 2019, 6:52 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Why can't she talk about it? What help is she getting? I'm sorry I'm so blunt Chicago. There seems to be a pattern where she runs things off in the ditch and doesn't respond responsibility and you just say okay and wait for her next move. This isn't fair to you at all. She is playing games which affect your life and well being. I really thought she was in her 20's....the fact she's in her 40's this has been going on for a long time...unless something drastic has happened to change things (detox, rehab, recovery) expect more of the same and all the lies, manipulation, and behaviors that go along with it.
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Posted: October 25, 2019, 8:49 PM


Posts: 205
Joined: December 23, 2018



I agree with Sallyanna. When my son went into rehab he wanted to share & wanted us to know he was getting help!! I think the reason she doesn't want to talk about it is she is NOT getting help but wants you to THINK she's on the verge of making good changes.

I personally wouldn't ask for details, because if she is lying to you, she'll lie about that too.
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Posted: October 25, 2019, 10:16 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



I think I forget that addiction has a learning curve and I've been exposed and learning about it so long now I forget what is was like in the beginning. I remember the first time my daughter went to detox (I had just learned she was doing heroin) I really thought she'd go in and be drug free after 6 days and be drug free for the rest of her life. I really thought that. I knew nothing about addiction. Now it's 5 years later and I feel I could write a paper about it. Sorry Chicagopilot I know you said in your first post you didn't know much about addiction.
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Posted: October 26, 2019, 6:50 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



Strange part about all of this is that I have always been a social drinker. Today sitting at a bar at 3 in the afternoon I realized I have been drinking 10-20 beers every single day for the last 16 days.
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Posted: October 26, 2019, 6:59 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Well....that's a lot of beer!!! I'd say your on your way to an alcohol addiction unless you have one already. You mentioned alcohol in another post too. Don't let her send your life off in the ditch just because hers is. Be careful!!!
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