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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > So Tired Of The Same Old Crap

Posted by: Strong-n-faith August 22, 2020, 2:17 AM
It’s been about 15 years since I was here. So glad to see the board still working. I was originally here learning how to cope with my teenage son and his girlfriend who were abusing heroin. My son seemed to get better for a few years and his girlfriend got much worse with experimenting with bath salts, alcohol and God knows what else. Then she leaves him for someone else. My son moved back in state and then seemed to slide back down into using, abusing, and mostly becoming a huge liar. He runs so many cons on people that I often wonder if he believes some of the horse crap he tries to sell. I’m not sure 🤔. Now he is married with a nice girl from a nice family and her daughter who is 11 and they have an 11 month old son. My son lost his job while she was pregnant and has not worked a day since. He has so many excuses for not working until I have lost track. Everything is always everyone else’s fault and he claims he has depression, anxiety and aspergers. I never knew him to have anything growing up except being hyperactive and always sneaking around and getting into trouble. He takes suboxone, Ativan, antidepressants... and my daughter swears she found aderal in his back sack that he carries around. He left his bag in my daughters bathroom with Aderal, suboxone, antidepressants, a razor, a mirror and some sort of marble stone. There was a big ruckus started about that and now there is drama between my son and daughter about that which each feels a need for me to be involved in. He is now 34. Him , his wife, her daughter, and my grandson live in a rental home my husband and I own. Of course after two years they have yet to pay any rent and my husband and I pay the water, sewer, taxes and insurances. They stay home and collect $6000 a month in unemployment and corona money. Of course there has been some decrease in that I understand. Meanwhile, I am 60 and work 12 hour shifts as a nurse caring for corona patients. In my spare time, I get to listen to his horse sh!t and my daughters complaining about him. Of course, my daughter in law buys into my son being poor pitiful me with mental health problems that we should all feel for. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever have any peace in my life. I just really need a break.

Posted by: mtnpeeps August 22, 2020, 10:36 AM
It is really hard once you let them move in, you have to go thru the entire court proceedings to get them out. I'm probably not the best person to answer because I am an enabler too but it was easier to pay for my son to live somewhere else because when we weren't paying for his apt. he was calling all the time threatening suicide, during meth induced hallucinations (or just lies) about police chasing him, etc. Two years of THAT. I finally had a talk with him & told him that I could not longer give him money for anything. The only thing I would do was help him get into treatment. He would still try to draw me in, but I'd repeat that phase. I told him I'm not his therapist & if he needed to talk with someone, he needed to get into treatment, get a sponsor, etc. He's doing better now, I don't believe he's using but I'll never trust him 100% again.

Posted by: Sallyana August 22, 2020, 7:14 PM
I think I can relate to what you are saying. A few weeks ago my daughter ranted to me (on the phone) how her life is sh@t because of this and that and this person and that person and me yada yada....I listened quietly and when she was all done I said "Do you take any responsibility for the situation you are in?" silence followed after I asked her... like she never thought that she might be responsible, silent for about a good minute then she hung up on me.

Posted by: Strong-n-faith August 22, 2020, 9:42 PM
Mtnpeeps, he lives 30 miles from me in a home that I own. I originally allowed him to move in there because I can not, under any circumstances, have him live with me under the same roof that I live in. He did that before and it proved to be disastrous. He had NO respect for my boundaries in my small home. My husband was being treated for some terrible conditions related to chemotherapy for cancer and my son walked all over us and showed us absolutely NO respect. He trashed my home and tormented my guest. It was hell. I confronted him finally and he got in my face and screamed at me calling me some horrible derogatory names. I slapped him. He went on to try and strangle me, slipped and fell on some glass in the process and cut himself. I called the police and ended up going to jail myself for having slapped him. No, he will NEVER sleep under the same roof as I do ever again. I am still traumatized. Even as my husband, who had to crawl out of bed and come get me, it was surreal in a nightmare fashion. However, my only reason I allow him and his family he now has to stay in a rental home I own is because of my infant grandson who I worry about. If my daughter in law ever leaves him and takes my grandson, I will go to the magistrate and have him removed. I don't care how long it takes. Yes, I still love my son. However, I haven't known the son that I remember for a very long time.

Posted by: Strong-n-faith August 22, 2020, 9:49 PM
Sallyana, you are correct, they own nothing themselves. My son was calling me at work ranting the other day about how my daughter's husband did him wrong. He just went on and on and on and on. I kept telling him that I had NOTHING to do with what my son in law did and did not do. I also told him that it should not concern him either. I told him his ONLY concern should be for his family and his responsibility to take care of them by getting a job. I suggested a mental health clinic that is free and only a few miles from where he is living. He kept changing the subject to my what my daughter did and her husband did and everybody else and how he wanted me to see things his way. I just kept redirecting it to his responsibility to take care of himself and his family as being the only concern he should focus on. He finally gave up and gave the phone to his wife. I told her the same thing as I told him and then hung up. I don't budge an inch. Bottom line is this is not my monkeys and not my circus. I just refuse to play.

Posted by: Sallyana August 23, 2020, 2:41 PM
I really think there is an addiction also to drama and chaos. It seems to be constant. Always some crisis. Just hearing a fraction of it wears me out. I can't imagine living it. I think they are bored when life goes smoothly...IDK

Posted by: Strong-n-faith August 23, 2020, 10:42 PM
Sallyana, I believe the correct term is "deflecting". My son is trying to put the focus on someone else's faults because it takes the focus off of him. I am pretty sure this is an addict thing to do. This causes the wheel to start spinning and, meanwhile, they can go on running their druggy games and no one being the wiser because they are all looking in another direction. I believe that is also the principle that a magician uses. They get you to look at one hand while they manipulate the thing with the other hand. It tends to start a lot of chaos as well. I sometimes wonder if the addicts all take the "how to be an addict" class lol. I have learned to run for the hills when it all starts up because I am very familiar with the pattern....unfortunately.

Posted by: samegame September 2, 2020, 9:39 AM
Wow but in reality sadly not surprising. Some people can't handle disappointment and pressure. Too bad sounds like they were headed towards a sober life.

Yes he is deflecting and gaslighting. The alkie here does it all the time. It's always someone else's fault. Sure there is some enabling but in the end no matter friends and family does
the alkie or addict must want to change and work on change themselves. If they keep on being have to be dragged to rehab like a child to school it simply won't work. It must come from with in. Being a father should be more than a enough incentive.

Here the alkie pretended to visit his parents-weeks if not months at time yet commandeered 2 bedrooms along with ALOT of other storage space. Along never paying back loans worth 10s of thousands. And are whining the parents didn't leave them enough when they passed along with debt the estate will have to pay off. That debt was roughly the amount of the last loan they 'borrowed' off a senior parent and never paid back.

Attempt to set boundaries, don't enable or give money. Let them know anyway you can without fighting, arguing etc is that you are not happy with them. 'Let' them get their act together and then they can leave and be on their own-but many actually don't want that. It's a mess

Stay safe, stay sain!

Posted by: Strong-n-faith September 7, 2020, 11:27 PM
Thank you Samegame. Sometimes it is just so reassuring knowing you aren’t alone. I am trying not to allow the situation to consume me. That is hard. My husband is supportive but it is hard for him too. My son did say he is going to Unison which is an outpatient treatment for drug abuse and an array of mental disorders. I still see him as not taking credit or any blame in the situation. He says he now has PTSD because my son in law kicked him out of his business when he found his drug kit in the bathroom. That is just such horse sh!t. He carries suboxone , razors, mirror and some sort of stone contraption along with some other unknown drug in his back back that goes everywhere with him. This he excuses as simply a way to cut his pills he is described. I just tell him that is all drug sh!t. I know I can’t change him, but it is hard to accept at the same time. When he was in high school I thought about chaining him to the toilet. Obviously that is not an option but I feel certain it couldn’t hurt lol. I also wish I’d tried to get him sent to a juvenile detention center when he was a teenager. It haunts me. What I do, I do for my grandchildren. I hate to admit it, but I’m ready for him to find a nice bridge to live under until he is able to wake up and smell the coffee. Sorry to sound so brutal but I am so done with this all.

Posted by: Strong-n-faith September 8, 2020, 10:48 PM
And, obviously, from reading what I wrote, I’m angry and frustrated. Not a good thing but that is where I’m at right now. I’m so sick of him being a victim while everyone else is subjected to his crap and while his wife and kids go without. That’s messed up.

Posted by: NyToFlorida September 9, 2020, 12:42 AM
Sorry to bring this up, but for two years my son was going to a doctor and getting everything he was addicted to prescribed to him. He was still buying and selling stuff on the street and still broke while working a full time job.

At first I was relieved he was seeing a doctor and would be out of the street. Then I realized it was just more of the same game.

I mentioned YouTube videos in another post. I remember a turning point for me was when I heard more than one person in recovery say that they were successful when they Gave recovery 100%. 80% was not good enough. They went thru treatment and had to keep up with participating in a recovery program . My son had been doing 80% in recovery. He went to rehab about once per year but did not follow thru w post rehab work such as meetings, etc. one time he did follow thru for about 3 months but then slowly alcohol and stuff came back into his life. The point is that we think 80% is good enough, but not in recovery. It does not equate to 80% sober. It is all or nothing.

Posted by: Strong-n-faith September 15, 2020, 4:24 PM
NytoFlorida, you are right, nothing good happens with a half attempt. It is just so sad and it is bad that you are left helpless to change anything. Or, just yourself. We can do that and nothing else. I know it is my co-dependence that keeps me so sad. I know I have to just own my own perceptions and carry on. It is good to have a faceless ear(s) to listen though. Somehow, that makes my own recovery more doable if not easy or immediate.