Crisis Update
Posted: March 20, 2019, 9:48 AM


Posts: 1588
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hello Friends, I am back home after 3 weeks. I spent time at a family vacation home, my brother's house, my in-laws house - where I helped with spring cleaning! During that time I had a few interviews and landed a new job! It was so relaxing to be away. my body got used to not being 'fear driven'. I want to hold on to the 'normal' feeling. my son had called me a few times and texted. I did not answer. he was not persistent and did not harass me. There is a bit of anxiety, PTSD being home again. A little fear that he will show up. this morning I was sleeping and dreaming that I was sleeping in his bed, heard movement in the hallway, heard the shower running. It was so real - while dreaming - oh no, I am in his room, he's in the shower, he will come in here. So relieved when I opened my eyes and I was Not in his room. He was Not in the shower. No One was home.... Back to the fear. if he stayed out at night he would stop by on way to work to shower. I guess the two times of day I am afraid of is morning on his way to work and afternoon on his way home.

Addiction - a family 'disease'. the same triggers they experience, we experience too.

Some how, when I do see him I will have to stay firm. keep it simple.

As much as my optimistic brain wants to say "success in 3 weeks!" I know the truth is that he will show up with the same old stories. and this will continue to go on until he changes it. Or we do by changing our patterns and habits.

thank you for the support!


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Posted: March 20, 2019, 10:00 AM


Posts: 1588
Joined: June 27, 2016



story time - on the 15th he was supposed to get paid. the company - small landscaping - did not have the checks ready. son tried calling me a few times. I did not answer. he called his dad. said that he would be paid on Sunday (no banks open). said he had no food or gas and 400 rent was due - he and room mate would be thrown out. he had been borrowing $$ for past week. husband did not give $$. (we do not know how he got thru the weeks but gives us confidence he can do it without us enabling. hopefully he ran out of drugs too)

There's a lie somewhere - previously he told us he used the tax return and mar 1st pay for rent, deposit and security. therefore, no rent should have been due on the 15th.

I am sure he borrowed to get thru the weeks. now this paycheck will pay people back, and maybe he owes 400 if he did not fully pay on the 1st. therefore, this paycheck will be gone asap. and then no $$ for the next one or two weeks... and the cycle continues.

we can only hope he feels the squeeze and figures out his priorities.

when I look back, he has always lived this way since college. always a paycheck behind.

I know now that he understands what he has to do. he has been shown and given all the tools he needs to succeed. we hope he does. still sad that he doesn't.

I'm still not sure if I can be strong enough when he shows up with no gas. It is so much easier to give him $20 to leave me alone. and easier to avoid enabling when I am not available.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 20, 2019, 7:24 PM
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Posted: March 20, 2019, 7:26 PM


Posts: 1588
Joined: June 27, 2016



UGH... so soon? he stopped in at lunch time! I was not home for 24 hours! do they have "mom radar?!" Luckily I was ready to go out. said hello, and left. he ate the last can of soup and left.
*sigh* we are not buying food.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 20, 2019, 7:26 PM
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Posted: March 21, 2019, 10:24 AM


Posts: 1588
Joined: June 27, 2016



When I was away from home I felt how normal thinking I can be. I am a productive person but I was squashed by my sons addiction consuming me. My current problem - back home it is all hitting me again. Fear he will stop by. I am not afraid, I just don’t want to be pulled in again. I want my time at home to be MY TIME. Today I am not productive. I don’t want to be stuck here. In stead of getting things done at home I am planning to go out so I miss the lunch time swing by and go out again so I miss the after work swing by. Of course I won’t time it right and get stuck some how, some where
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Posted: March 22, 2019, 5:43 AM


Posts: 122
Joined: December 30, 2018



Yes NYT I have always been a very productive person, but in the last couple of years on my days of, I am going to do so much, and before I know it it early evening and done nothing, I get cross with myself that I have wasted my days off,and I understand the feeling that you don't want to see him, or calling in, when I pull up my driveway it's like a relief if his cars not home, he is cleaning his place up ATM as I write, anyway on a lighter note I am getting spoilt tomorrow from other daughter in law, spa massage lunch axmas present that we are just getting round to using, I hope it keeps my mind of things
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Posted: March 22, 2019, 1:55 PM


Posts: 1588
Joined: June 27, 2016



Enjoy the spa day!
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Posted: March 22, 2019, 3:55 PM


Posts: 187
Joined: December 21, 2018



Ah yes, time away from the alkie or addict. It brings peace, calm and quiet. I enjoy it so much anymore I absolutely dred any incoming contact with them. It's like night and day when they're not around. It's so much different.

Good job holding firm on money. If he's using and needs money he has to prioritize what he does get. That's part of the process, work and budget and priorities. Can't be continuously falling back on family or anyone for that matter. They must become independent.

Hang Tough!
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Posted: March 29, 2019, 12:59 PM


Posts: 1588
Joined: June 27, 2016



Update. I have left home again. Had to save myself. I have been reading old posts. One spoke of locking up valuables and made the connection that we lock up our valuables but we stay physically and mentally vulnerable to the situation as though our own life, OUR SELF, is not valuable.

I feel like this is the point I got to a month ago, after 6 years! Guess I am a slow learner! Wish I learned it sooner! I think we all go thru some period of enabling/helping because we want to do everything we can to help our loved one. there is a LOT of help out there. Even though the statistics are low for recovering addicts, I think it is higher than we know bc people do recover and they are not part of the statistics. I wanted so much for my son to be someone who recovered and learned how to work with his difficulties, be the great guy he was meant to be!

It takes time for us parents to keep trying all we can think of. To be the cheerleader for our kids. To throw them the life line. I have gotten to the point where I know we did everything and more. My son went to rehab a few times, I know he knows what to do. Last summer I SAW recovery work with my own eyes. I SAW the help he had from the local hospital and recovery center. THEY are on his side. I SAW him work recovery, make and go to appointments without my help.

The month he started drinking, he wrecked a truck. I can not prevent that. I can not be with him at 3am, when he says he isn't going to drive tonight. HE makes these decisions. NOTHING I can do to stop it. Still we continued to help by letting him live w us, start a new job, drive a car (yes we are stupid people), we have kept reminding him of sobriety, go to meetings, the gym, therapist. turned to begging and screaming. turned to fear, anger, sadness.

Finally I took a look at myself. I did not like the persons my husband and I became. A shell of a person. motivated by fear, pushed into decisions we did not agree with bc of the actions of others.
I was not living up to any of MY VALUES. I was not taking care of My Self. I was not Being all I could Be. Husband and I have been raising family, working, preparing for a retirement dream. We don't have a lot of $$ but we have enough if we plan it right. I also want to enjoy and socialize w family and friends in a carefree way. We were not living the life we have dreamed of. WE NEED A Break -- (as dutchess did - 'don't contact me for 6 months')

I have no Regrets. I know we have done everything and twice that. These truths finally sunk in. We have no Control. If money and love and wishes could fix it, it would have been fixed years ago. Our son can not live with us. even if he is sober. there are too many triggers and personality and co-dependent behaviors. He can not be independent while living in our house. At his age of almost 30 he needs to be with other men his age in a sober environment in order to be successful. I finally admitted that our help was not helping him to be sober. and even the littlest amount undermines his success. Only he can decide to be sober.

I was home for a week but the stress of panic and fear got to me. I am starting a new job and I want to be fully 'present' for that job. I do not want to look like a 'deer in the headlights'. the job is a little bit over my qualifications, the company is taking a risk in hiring me, I want to prove to myself that I can do this and learn this new job. I do not want to fail because my son is pulling my strings. I need MY total Peace of Mind about me. I am staying w a friend and will look for an apartment in a few weeks if I can not feel comfortable in my own house. My husband agrees - we need to be firm and cut son off. He's doing it his way. I am doing it my way. my husband can be difficult - but it is only when there is chaos all around us. If it is just the two of us dealing with each other, there are no problems. the stress exacerbates the small annoyances in a relationship.

I am out of the house again. This is OK and also good for my husband. when we are together we mull over the issue of the day constantly and fuel the anger and fear. we both end up too stressed to sleep whether son has had contact or not.

My last face to face conversation w my son was a few weeks ago. He said "I don't want to manipulate and take advantage of you" - I said "I know" "being apart is best for all 3 of us. The family dynamic has gotten bad for all of us." I feel comfortable that he understands we are not coming from a place of hate but from a place that is trying to help him by getting out of the way. He even said something like this a month ago - that the three of us need to move on each go our separate way if that's what it takes.

He has texted a few times. I replied "there's nothing I can say that I have not said 100 times. Go to hospital and then to sober living"

It has been one month. his world is getting smaller. car problems, phone problems, idk about job - he will get a pay check this week. idk if car is still running, if he will be working next week. he has reached out about problems, pushing the 'buttons' to see what still works. we have not given anything.

Thanks for listening. Sorry so long winded. Wanted to let others know my progress. Even though I knew all of this information, I only now feel it is true and know that what we are doing is right.
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Posted: March 29, 2019, 7:09 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



NTF thank you for your update! I am so happy you are taking care of YOU. Your post speaks total awareness and truth and I admire your strength. I hope your new job goes well and please keep taking good care of yourself.
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Posted: March 29, 2019, 10:13 PM


Posts: 1588
Joined: June 27, 2016



ty! All of us here are strong. idk how we all get through it. my son started texting. I am not giving in. but it is very difficult and emotional. sad. I remind myself that giving in has not helped before.
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Posted: March 30, 2019, 7:46 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



It is very emotional. I know when my daughter calls part of me wants to say just come home and I'll take care of you. Then, thankfully, reality sets in because I can't take care of her and even if I could it wouldn't help her towards sobriety. It would just delay any hope for it. Her choices are her choices not mine. As a mother, as you know, it's hard and sad.
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Posted: March 31, 2019, 4:01 PM


Posts: 187
Joined: December 21, 2018



You're right to detach. Sometimes it's the combination of people and settings that can innocently trigger or exacerbate the addict or alcoholic. Especially parents because the child can and will hold a grudge justified or not. Alkie here with rich friends in high school still occasionally express his resentment he wasn't sent away to a college campus after high school For starters he didn't have the grades. He's also mad at various people not bailing him out financially over the decades. The addiction also means repetitive or obsessive thought never letting anything go no matter how convoluted.

This post has been edited by samegame on March 31, 2019, 4:02 PM
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Posted: April 1, 2019, 9:35 AM


Posts: 375
Joined: October 25, 2016



I don’t remember where I got this but came across it today. Thought someone on here might enjoy it. Thought I would share...

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

- Mary Oliver


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BUGS
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Posted: April 1, 2019, 9:58 AM


Posts: 375
Joined: October 25, 2016



Another good thing to read is...
The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.

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BUGS
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Posted: April 1, 2019, 10:04 AM


Posts: 375
Joined: October 25, 2016





Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it.
The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat.

One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly.

The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge. One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out.

At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress!

The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged!

As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand.

But neither happened!

The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It never was able to fly…

As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was SUPPOSED to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly.

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BUGS
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Posted: April 1, 2019, 11:42 AM


Posts: 20
Joined: June 13, 2018



Oh my Bugs!
Crystal clear explanation that we all have to stop enabling. Thank you so much for posting that today.
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Posted: April 1, 2019, 10:28 PM


Posts: 209
Joined: December 23, 2018



wow Buggin Me!! Thanks (I know I've said this before) but Thanks to this group of parents with children or partners with addictions, I have learned (even though it is so hard to watch him struggle) that I CAN & SHOULD say no. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it & I can't control it.... He caused it & chose to return to it - his love, his mistress, his best friend....
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Posted: April 1, 2019, 10:32 PM


Posts: 209
Joined: December 23, 2018



N2F, our help hasn't helped in the past. We ARE strong, we ARE smart & we have to listen to our instincts & not our hearts. Our children have to save their own lives.
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Posted: April 2, 2019, 7:23 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Thanks for sharing BugginMe! It is so hard to watch the struggle but helping only hurts and hinders. It goes against our grain as parents/spouses. However, whenever I learned the most in life, it was always through adversity. I keep praying...
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Posted: April 2, 2019, 8:25 PM


Posts: 1588
Joined: June 27, 2016



Thank you, Bugs! And Thank you, Mary Oliver. It is so true. It made me cry. Sad we all have to suffer so.

I am still not home. No contact. My husband is dealing with our son as needed. Reaching out to him. First by yelling text messages - don't come to our house, will get court order and call police. Trying to give him pressure so he will make a decision to go somewhere to attain a sober life. And then messages with suggestions on where to go, or how to turn this around (but not at our house). trying to show him an out...

he has not harassed me. I like to think that he does understand that he has used and manipulated me and does not want to do that to me. I think it is a good idea for just his dad and him to see this through. it is too complicated with both of us at him to figure stuff out. I am happy to step back. I really got to the breaking point. I just can not do it anymore -- and to not see progress or results from my efforts and suffering.


This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 2, 2019, 8:48 PM
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