I'm So Sad!!
Posted: September 7, 2019, 2:24 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: September 7, 2019

I’m just joining this group after a lot of heartache and uncertainty. I’m scared. Scared that I’m losing my husband because of his drinking. I’m scared that my life, as I knew it, has changed and I know longer am certain about my future. I’m scared because I don’t know if I “my” husband will be home or my “altered” husband will be home. (there is no physical violence) .

I was not raised in a family that drank, so drinking to me has always been an occasional social thing. I’ve never been a been drinker, and when I married my husband four years ago, I knew he was a recovered alcoholic (seven years sober) but I believed it was behind him. In January he lost his job (I’m sure he was drunk at work a few times) and that’s when I discovered he had started drinking again. After five long months, he got another job, but he’s miserable. He drinks because he’s depressed, he’s depressed because he drinks and because he hates his job. He’s gained weight, which makes him hate himself more, which makes him more depressed! It’s a vicious cycle and yet I feel helpless. I am SO INCREDIBLY SAD and I don’t know how to help him or myself. He says he wants to get better, but doesn’t take the steps to do so. I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! I feel so helpless watching a man I love, an amazing man (when he’s sober), do this to himself, to me, and to our marriage.
Posted: September 7, 2019, 8:40 PM

Posts: 1750
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hello curveball, sorry you are here at this website. It is a shock, lonely and helpless feeling. I am exhausted from dealing with my son for the past few years. Believing lies and hoping for a better outcome. My son is jail for the past 4 months. It has taken me that long to gain lost weight back and to feel relaxed in my own home.

About 6 months ago I left our home bc I was loosing weight rapidly and was consumed by fear most of the time. As the stress of our son’s life in addiction was getting worse, my husband (his dad) began drinking more. Went from 1-2 beers a week to 2-3 beers a night. We have never been drinkers at all. He also gained weight and we didn’t realize how much bloating was caused by the alcohol until he stopped drinking nightly. When I left we were both able to relax, since we were not engaging each other in conversation about our son 24 / 7.

I don’t know what to suggest other than a break from each other. A chance to regroup.

From an addiction stand point I saw that I was not helping our son by enabling him by giving him gas money, even though he was working, by always having food in the fridge, by cooking etc.

The addiction was ruining us. I was loosing weight, crying everyday, my husband was gaining weight and drinking!

The only way to help our son was to ask him to leave and to not help him ,enable him, to stay in his current addiction comfort zone. We all got comfortable with what we were doing even though we didn’t want to live this way.

Our son will be out of jail in a week. He is not coming home, we have made that clear. He will be going to a local rehab/ sober living program. This will be the 4th time.

More importantly about you and your husband, if he wants to change he needs to find a program he is comfortable with. You can also go to support meetings. I have been to meetings with a good group of people and not so good, so keep looking if the first one isn’t for you.

Individual counseling and joint counseling when he is ready. Individual counseling right away for you would be good so You have someone to bounce ideas off of. Try to find someone who specializes in addiction.

Look thru the website SmartRecovery.org. There is help for addiction and for friends and family and probably other resources.

Maybe if your husband sees you doing something he will do something too.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on September 7, 2019, 8:40 PM
Posted: September 8, 2019, 8:24 AM

Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018

So sorry CBR you are dealing with addiction in your marriage. It's a very lonely feeling being married to someone with an addiction. I would think at some level your husband knows what he has to do to regain active recovery because he's done it before and he can do it again. He's relapsed and is back in the addiction cycle. He needs to take steps to get back to recovery. If he doesn't you will need to make some healthy decisions for yourself. Living with him is not healthy for you if he doesn't choose recovery. I hope he chooses recovery.
Posted: September 11, 2019, 8:12 AM

Posts: 368
Joined: November 16, 2017

Wow! That is a curveball and that is really sad. Please keep sharing. Are you able to go to an Al-Anon meeting? It might help. You need support as you adjust to this new normal. I hope he goes back to recovery. Only he can decide that. Does he still have contact with people in AA?
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