Dating A Person In Recovery And I'm So Confused
Posted: August 17, 2017, 1:51 AM

Posts: 3
Joined: August 17, 2017

Hi. I'm new here. I realize my predicament is very elementary but I don't know what to do. I am a female and became very attracted to another female who is approaching 10 months of sobriety. We met in her 3rd month and were initially acquaintances, then friends, then when things started to progress (her 9th month) she cut things off completely. She said it was just too much for her to take on. We were never intimate, barely touched each other so I don't even know if we were actually dating. But it's cool to take things slow, you know?

So... okay, when she broke the news it hurt but I understood and I let her go. 1 week goes by with no contact and then suddenly she texts me out of the blue and says, "so I still can't be with you right now, but I'd like to check in with each other and maybe once I feel ready and confident, we can explore things again....."

I am all about her focusing on herself and her recovery should come first but how long should I wait? If she "checks in", it's 1x/week and via text. I haven't seen her in weeks. I just don't want to be that person who gets placed on a shelf only to be retrieved at a later time. Im so torn and confused because I really do like her and she has expressed the same about me but her behavior says otherwise. Am I not understanding enough? Why did she contact me again if she's not really putting in any effort to at least maintain some kind of friendship? What if she changes her mind again and disappears?

Thanks for any advice or insight. I just wish I knew where he head is at. I feel like my heart is getting pulled in so many different directions and I don't want to get hurt.

She's on step 9. Goes to about 5-6 meetings a week last I knew. I am not in recovery.

This post has been edited by Xecret on August 17, 2017, 2:12 AM
Posted: August 17, 2017, 8:04 AM

Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016


The 12-step program often recommends no relationship changes in the first year. So, her sponsor could be telling her to put the brakes on things for a year. However, it could be other things.

She really owes you a clearer explanation of what is going on. I would not want to wait around and get random texts. If she wants to wait because of her recovery program, she needs to spell that out and I would assume you could still be in touch as friends. If it something else, you have a right to know, so you can make a decision about your life.

If it were me, I would contact her, share that you really like her and want to continue the relationship. And, also that you want to honor her need to slow down for whatever reason. But, that you'd like to meet and discuss where she is at in more detail.Also, her thoughts on the future (acknowledging nothing is written in stone).

If she says that her sponsor wants her to slow down, I would honor that (sounds like you would). Sometimes if people get into emotional situations when they are in early recovery, it can lead to relapse.

You sound like a great person and I wish you the best!
Posted: August 17, 2017, 12:48 PM

Posts: 59
Joined: July 12, 2017

Never wait around for anyone. Go live your life. If she wants to date you she'll come find you and if you're with someone else by that time, her loss. Don't waste your life waiting on someone else to be at the same place you are. Be friends - but if you can't be friends tell her that. Tell her it's not helpful for her to "check in" and string you along. Stand up for yourself. You come first.
Posted: August 17, 2017, 3:37 PM

Posts: 3
Joined: August 17, 2017

Thanks you two. This was very helpful. I do feel like she is stringing me long and it's excruciating. You're right, I need to live my life.

To answer some questions - she told me the decision was hers, not her sponsor's. She then explained why she made the decision to cut things off was because she was on step 8 at the time and it was a really emotional time for her and that she started to discover what it was like to feel again and to have emotions.... stuff that she hasn't experienced in over 7 years. And it was a little scary for her. And so in order for her to invest some of those feelings into a relationship she needed to "get them under control".

Sounds reasonable to me. I just wish she hadn't reached out again to say she still wants me to be in her life because I'm so confused in what capacity that is??!!!

If anything I'm glad she put a stop to it when she realized it was becoming too much for her but I'm also annoyed about the state in which I find myself. I never pictured myself to be the kind of person to just wait around for someone to be ready but I've also never been so drawn to someone who happens to be in recovery. Thanks again...

This post has been edited by Xecret on August 17, 2017, 3:46 PM
Posted: September 7, 2017, 8:13 PM

Posts: 27
Joined: May 10, 2017

Hey girl, I hope everything is well with you. Please update us on how your guys relationship is going. I left a two year long relationship with my fiancé because of his addiction. It has been crazy to say the least. My advice to you would be to focus on yourself. I think maybe, you can remain friends with this person, but pursuing them romantically is so hard. The road to recovery is very Long and hard, and hardly linear. Expect there to be bumps in the road. She made all of those decisions and is now in recovery, that's great for her, but it's not so great for you. You will live a life of having to take a backseat to her addiction and recovery and it seems like you don't deserve that. Lots of love your way take care.
Posted: September 8, 2017, 12:11 AM

Posts: 3
Joined: August 17, 2017

Hey lady. Your advice is spot on and what ended up happening is our communication just sort of fizzled out. I saw it coming but was in denial because I really liked her and she was doing really good and was working very hard on her recovery. I'm sorry to hear that you invested so much time in your former relationship only to see it end because of addiction issues. Sounds like you did what's best for you which makes perfect sense. I decided to do what is the best for me and not engage in her: "I can't continue this with you, bye! Oh wait but actually I take that back; I am truly interested in you; just please wait a while; and wait some more; I'll text you every now and again to see if you're still out there" shenanigans. The advice is good here in that she's ultimately gotta focus on her recovery and I gotta focus on not going down a road I know nothing about.

We haven't spoken since I created this post so it's been a while. I know that if i allowed her to string me along we'd still be in contact but I respect myself too much to let that happen.

I hope she's still doing well. I think about her a lot and wish her the best. Thanks for your comment, I wish you the best, too.

This post has been edited by Xecret on September 8, 2017, 12:16 AM
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