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Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: April 2, 2019, 10:00 PM
awwww, NY to FL, we have all felt that dread.... the pit in the stomach when our kid shows up. let your husband handle it now & if you have to, let him get the court order. As I said in another thread, my addict son ignores the family until he crashes. Then he reaches out in the middle of the night with text messages, feeling sorry for himself, needs a job.... wants PITY. My daughter in law felt bad & wanted to offer help in the form of letting him come to their home but he had to check into a detox first. I told her that HE needs to want it on his own & voluntary check-ins can also be voluntary check outs. So after talking for a while, she asked him "what exactly does he want "us" to do to help" and told him that nothing we do & nothing was say can fix him. He is the only person to do that, encouraged him to take the 1st step on his own to prove to the family that he IS asking for help. He replied he didn't need detox, he needs "a warm loving home filled with laughter". And then shortly thereafter sent a scathing text to his brother (DIL's husband) cursing him - You don't care & never have, but I will make sure that one day you will care!" Calling him a MFer and a prick... nice way to talk to the person he wants to provide him a "warm loving home...." Same old song & dance - doesn't need detox, just wants sympathy. We have no sympathy left for this manipulative, lying, mean, nasty addict
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 4, 2019, 7:48 AM
awwwg - The situations are awful. The drugs do a number on the thought process. The AMA should use our addicts to do a first hand study on the side effects of these medications/drugs. I think even high functioning people who are begin taking the meds for a physical problem become more sick mentally and physically because of the meds, even if they are taken as directed. the problem is that the drs and patients think their illness or back pain etc are getting worse, it could be the meds are making them worse.
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 18, 2019, 11:18 PM
Update my husband took son to hospital this week. While driving son tried to exit the vehicle. Husband called police. Met at hospital.. 72 hour hold. Then we don’t know.. hoping he goes into the rehab at the hospital. Most likely no one will call us. Execept the psyc dr at 3am asking what happened that day.. geeesh.
It’s weird how I have tried so hard for so long to save my son. But now I just stopped. I finally saw that he needs to want to live a sober life and I want to live my life. I want my freedom. He is old enough to be independent and he needs a support system made up of his peers. We all need a fresh start without the complications and triggers and codependent behaviors that have been ingrained in us. I am still not home. The ptsd will take a long time to heal and only if my son is not living in the area. Every car I see on the road reminds me of the ones he wrecked. The $$ we spent. So done with it. So many years have gone by. This past year, I look back and I don’t see his efforts. Or appreciation for us paying for cars and insurance for past 2 years, so many ways he could have shown it. He did say it sometimes but didn’t act it. Just simple things... Like when we went away a holidays and he and friends drank dads 12 pack of beer. This was out of character, usually would not do that. Dad gave him attitude. ‘Normal’ thing to do would be to replace the beer at next paycheck. Nope, son acted like it was there for the taking. I got tired of the take, take, take and no give back. I think I feel a bit betrayed and taken advantage of. I used to think my son ‘didn’t know’ what was going on. I have realized that he knows and chooses not to be sober and chooses to lie, manipulate and take from me. And I let him. A sad situation but I can not participate any more. I am sure he can make it if he stays sober long enough. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 18, 2019, 11:28 PM | ||
Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: April 19, 2019, 3:01 AM
Hi NTF I have been thinking of you. I hope your son choses rehab at the hospital. Its good you are taking care of you and you now see things very clearly. I hope this is a wake up call for him. Things had to change and you made it happen now it's plain stark reality and truth.
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Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018
Posted: April 19, 2019, 3:25 PM
I haven't posted in a while, still on and read every day, so sad situations all round, NTY I hope your son chose to stay in hospital / rehab, no matter how much we want it for them or hard we try to help, it has to come when there ready and want it, every thing I read says the same, we just have to find a way to save areselves, when you say you look back on the years that you have helped him out, I feel that they think we owe them, or there mind has altered that much that they can't see logical things, we'd like them to, it's just not there anymore keep us updated as to how he's going
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Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: April 23, 2019, 8:42 AM
NTF - did he stay? Did they find a rehab? Your son & my son seem to follow the same path. I relate to every word you share. I, too, am just done - I see that all my "help" simply enabled him to continue his bad behavior, I now see that every penny given went to meth, I now see that he is very conniving & manipulative & has NO SHAME in the lengths he will go or say in order to hurt us & trick us into thinking he needs our help. After we told him we will not help him in any way until he completes rehab & is in sober living, he will now call & be nice but as soon as he realizes we aren't giving him money or paying a bill, he explodes on us.
I will not allow this abuse in my life. If he was ANYONE else, we would break off the relationship. So until he chooses life over addiction, I won't be a part of it. We all have choices to make in life, he has made his & now he has to live with those choices... it breaks my heart, but I'm beyond feeling sad about it & hoping THIS TIME he means what he says. We live 1,000 miles away from him. I'm sure he will end up in jail because he is still ignoring the restraining order his ex girl friend got to get him out of HER house.... | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 24, 2019, 8:32 AM
Hello mtnmom - glad to see you back! Son is still at hospital. after 72hr hold, we heard nothing. after another 3 days our daughters got worried. husband went to hospital to see if he was still there. first they would not tell him. then they told him to come back later in the day. Meeting w husband, son and councelors. (all of a sudden, they want to discharge him) Husband says "He can not live w us. and we are not giving him a car. we're doing the community a favor by not letting him drive - that's how dangerous it is." Son says all he needs is a job and a car and he will be fine..... (uah - he has always had that - he wasn't fine)
They would have gladly discharged him to us. I think my son does not want to live w us, but would jump at it if we allowed it. Husband was firm. counselors told son - we can discharge you to rehab in hospital or to the homeless shelter. He chose rehab. so - we have freedom for 3 weeks. Husband has been handling it all. It is best this way. no more 3 people or triangle conversations. just one on one. I have been the major enabler so I had to break that cycle. Son does not ask about me or say anything about it. Husband told him I left and he doesn't know whats going to happen. son probably doesn't believe I am gone for good. I hope deep down he understands why I have dropped out of contact. I think he does, he should understand it. Since my son has the most problem w his dad - "dad doesn't understand me..." etc... I think it is good for them to be forced to deal with each other without me in the middle. I have come back home. (ugh - have to clean everything - Hubby didn't do too much cleaning while I was gone!) conclusion - we have to steer our own boat and stay firm. after the hospital rehab they will again try to discharge him to us. we will not allow it. they will have to place him somewhere. I guess this is progress from last year. His relapse was shorter this time bc we put our foot down and wrangled him out of the house. and off our phone bill, and off our car insurance! Now HE has to make the progress for himself. Thanks to all of you for listening and sharing! | ||
Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: April 24, 2019, 11:03 AM
Stay strong. So many times I fell for the discharge to Mom trick. It's not really the social workers fault, it's insurance reg and payment crap.
I too was able to say no you can't come home.Its hard enough saying it to your kid, but I felt like the system was hanging up on me too. I had to say the same thing as your husband. It is safer for society that my daughter not be out of the hospital. She is doing better, but it has been a long road.Its going to continue to be long road | ||
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Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: April 24, 2019, 3:52 PM
Stay strong N2F, it is hard. Both my husband & I were the enablers, but no more. We know how much money & "help" has been given and yet here he is - homeless, addicted, restraining order in place, violation of said order pending criminal charges. Refuses help BUT when he realizes he has s*** on everyone & doesn't have money for dope, all of a sudden he has an epiphany & realizes (insert magic words here:) Drugs have destroyed his life, he chose drugs over everything & he need help. But not one bit of sorrow, regret, or even an I'm kind of sorry.... it's all about what we aren't doing to help him. He thinks we are such idiots that saying those words means he is being honest & therefore we are obligated to help him.
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 24, 2019, 5:00 PM
You have been thru so much.
Shut off the phones if you need to. sometimes I would for a few hours just because I did not want to hear it 'ping' or see it light up with anything. my son was not harassing (thank god)… once every two weeks he would send a text and I would not respond. a few days before hospital he texted he was starving.... blah, blah.... he texted 'cant you answer, what's wrong with you' I saw the message when he sent it at midnight. I did not answer. had a hard time sleeping. in the morning I texted back "I was sleeping" then I told his dad who contacted him and bought him a meal and went to a dollar store for a few things. dad gave him $10 for laundry mat.. and to try to talk him into hospital. My typical reaction would have been grocery store - fill up the carriage - I would have given cash too. so glad my husband is handling it. it is easier for him to say no. thanks to everyone sharing their stories here I was able to finally believe as you do too. that nothing we did helped in the long run. and he keeps 'needing' more. I also got to the point where I had to realize that it is possible my son has been in this too long and will never be sober. as much as it hurts and pulls at our heart, his (and our) only hope is if we are out of the enabling picture. over the past few months I have peeled back the curtain to see that my son was lying much more than we thought. we knew everything was at least half lie. but as you are saying - it seems like every day was a lie. We gave with good intentions, but his good intentions were not there at the table. just too unfair and manipulating right under our roof! awful. not what we expected from our son. Amazing how he can stick to lies. And how he still came and went and did whatever with dad screaming to "Get Out" for two months! 'Normal' kids would have ran from the house with all that screaming going on! I think because son put up with it, we kept thinking he would 'change his life'. he would actually be so calm and make us believe he was 'trying'. we don't even want to be near it anymore! Ugh! who knows what the next week will bring! Hugs for everyone, we need it! This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 24, 2019, 5:12 PM | ||
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Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: April 24, 2019, 8:12 PM
yes, NY2FL the behavior we accept is the behavior we receive... Just received an email (I won't respond to text/calls/voice mails) stating that he got 3 job offers today with no help from anyone in his piece of s*** family....
And he wonders why we are angry & fed up with his hateful abuse | ||
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Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: April 24, 2019, 8:13 PM
and I don't believe he got any job offers and he still will have to pass a pre-employment physical & drug test
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Posted: April 24, 2019, 10:09 PM
Yes, hugs to all. We do need it!
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 28, 2019, 4:24 PM
Update. son has been at hospital psyc for one week, rehab for one week. husband went to visit - family day. disaster. son is highly medicated. bad attitude. claims this is all our fault and that's why he's there. claims the only thing he needs is a car and a job. where will he live and eat? he says he will rob and steal. that's his plan.
he called his dad an a**hole and walked out of the visit. ** our fault for putting him there with others who have bad attitudes. he is learning how to live on the street. he is learning how to be a shi**y person instead of a better person. not what we expected. very different from the same program he was in last year at the same place. difference this time is that we think he went in while on a methadone treatment. therefore we think they kept him on methadone. did not detox him. and added pysc meds. I am sure the meds contribute to his attitude. He thinks he is OK. just like when he's on the street drugs. its the same stuff. he has same shi**y attitude as he did 2 weeks ago when he showed up at our door to stay the night when no one was home. I was not living here and husband went away for a few days to help a relative. some one dropped him off here. they are going to discharge him in a week. they think he is fine. 'we' need to be understanding. I'm so upset I cant even cry. | ||
Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: April 28, 2019, 5:20 PM
Going to visit seemed to always work out badly for me. Don’t let your son hold you hostage with threats. Remember it is his choice if he decides to be a s***ty person and/or a criminal. His choice but he will try to put it all on you. He will tell you all he needs is a little help and what you can give him. It didn’t work the last time or all the times before. What is different now? Nothing will change if nothing changes. It does no good to repeat things over and over that didn’t work before. Someone has to learn from their actions even if that someone is us. Never seemed to me like the system was doing enough to help my son but I finally realized it was him didn’t want their help or to change his life. He liked things the way they were. And the hospitals / doctors think if they are not suicidal then they are ok. Send them home to us.
This post has been edited by BugginMe on April 28, 2019, 5:23 PM -------------------- BUGS | ||
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Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018
Posted: April 28, 2019, 5:51 PM
That must be really hard on you and hubby, he's detoxing, and the worst is coming out no logical thinking, blaming everyone else, I remenber my son it was a few years ago he went into a 30 day programe rehab, remenber him going in on a Saturday, we couldent visit till the following weekend, he was only in 5 days and was phoning saying he did't need to be in, he could do this himself!!!, and got his bags packed, me and eldest son was besides areselves, but other brother spoke to him, not sure what was said, but he ended up staying and finishing the programe, the women that was running it phoned and said if he comes out I can tell you now he's going right back to the drugs he's detoxing and craving bad, why would they give your son methadone, thought that was for herione, hope he manages to stay the rest of the time, could he stay longer if he wanted to? The longer there there, a month is nothing neither for rehab, they need to be away on a programe for a year, they have the best results, who can afford them, things might change with the government if they had someone close to them with addictions, stay safe and keep us posted
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 28, 2019, 9:48 PM
Buggs - it was a good program last year. He wanted to be there. This time he does not want to be there. Like you said he thinks he can do this on his own (if we give him car, food, gas)
We are not letting him back home. No car. We will have constant fear he will show up at the house. I can see where u were at. Sad eyes - he was using herion. He went to methadone clinic a few weeks ago. Entered hospital already on it. So they did not detox him bc they consider it treatment for the addiction . They have told him he needs to be on it for the rest of his life. Along w some other meds. Idk what they are. This is a deeper hole to dig out of. And son still in denial that he needs help. Just needs “to get out and get a job” I thought this would go better , as it did last year. Maybe his living with other addict criminals for the past month backfired on us. Instead of him wanting to get out of the life style it has taught him how to live the life style. I don’t know whether to try to get him to a better place or leave him to do whatever happens when they discharge him. Idk what that will be. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 28, 2019, 9:48 PM | ||
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Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: April 28, 2019, 11:24 PM
Could he go to a sober living if he's on methadone treatment? He can't do heroin while he's on methadone which is good. This is so hard because it's hard to know what to do like how much to get involved. He's almost 30 if I remember right maybe let him find his own way. I don't know though this is the hard part as a parent.
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 29, 2019, 6:50 AM
Methodone - sober living. It depends on the place. Most likely not. So the system is setting him up for failure. No housing, job, income. Medicate and discharge to homeless shelter with no resources. Over the years he has not been able to figure this out on his own. We contacted a private rehab. It will cost $13,000 for one month. He has been there before. Does not want to go. Not sure he would follow thru. Husband is going to talk to social worker today.
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Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: April 29, 2019, 8:12 AM
NY2FL - when I read your posts, I feel I'm reading about my life right now. You are in the same place as us - they don't need rehab, they know what they should do but choose not to do it! They are so ugly & cruel to us. Everyone knows they have a problem & need help EXCEPT THEM! We caused all their problems & we are horrible people yet they continually harass & verbally attack us when we won't help.
My son is still in jail - should be arraigned today. 1 misdemeanor for violating restraining order & a few felonies for hit & run, domestic violence & I don't know what else. Truck is impounded - when he gets out he won't have housing or a truck, no job, no rehab.... I feel if he REALLY wants to live somewhere, he can move into a sober living. If he chooses NOT to, well that is his choice. At 45, he will have to live by the consequences of his choices. My son still tries to call us collect from the jail each day & we still won't accept the calls - we don't want to hear it, we don't want to hear ANYTHING from him. He's either calling for money or to blame us for not paying for private rehab... He's already called his friend to have him ask his ex to please drop the charges because SHE is ruining his life.... | ||
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