The New Normal
Posted: February 16, 2020, 1:27 PM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



"Addicts manipulate" ... a good fact to remember. We are settling into our new normal. Townhouse is just about finished.. fridge will be delivered next Tuesday and K will move out shortly after that.

My daughter and I are emotionally far apart now (and have been for along time). My unmet expectations of our relationship has left me empty. My friends have helped me understand my home will not be my own until B and K move out on their own. At that time I need to set up boundaries regarding the amount of babysitting I'm willing to do, as well as stifle the temptation to solve her financial problems.

And I need to concentrate on getting back to the activities and people I love, and let go what just went down..

I went this morning and "relearned" how to knit from a good friend.. so I"ll pick up the project I have left hanging since mid-Fall.

K seems to be sailing on..
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Posted: February 16, 2020, 1:59 PM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



Sending big love and hugs as you adjust to your new normal! It isn’t easy that’s for sure and here we are. Take care of you!!!
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Posted: February 16, 2020, 2:15 PM


Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019



So good to hear you are focusing on your life and the people and things you enjoy juniper. Its so easy for us to lose ourselves and we have to be aware their life is not our life. Keep celebrating you and your life everyday. What your daughter choses to do with her life belongs to her, not you.
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Posted: February 16, 2020, 2:46 PM


Posts: 363
Joined: November 16, 2017



I know this is not easy. We are here for you! I have finally accepted my new normal basically.

The hardest part is what you summarize in your last sentence. They go sailing on.

As many of you know (thanks to all of you!), I set some boundaries awhile ago. It has helped me immensely to find serenity and get my life back. I also DO think it has helped my son. He is coming around a little after the fits and temper tantrums over my boundaries. I know this was brought about panic over drug access. It was a little scary for me...okay a lot scary for me in the beginning. But, worth it now.
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Posted: February 16, 2020, 3:11 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: February 16, 2020



"Addicts manipulate" is definitely something I can relate to.
It's good to hear you are looking out for yourself, wishing you lots of luck x
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Posted: February 20, 2020, 2:23 PM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



Guys, I'm in California this week with my father, and the drama escalates.

During the custody mediation, the EX submitted an emergency custody request to remove B from K. It was granted, so B is with the Ex and his parents. K has retained a lawyer and we will go through a trial over custody.. K says I will be called as a witness due to my recommendation to BOTH of them that they write into the agreement no overnight guests on the nights they have B. Which has been taken by the Ex's lawyer that I was concerned about a revolving door of men coming into B's life.

I told K that she really needs to look at her role in this whole thing spinning out of control and that I hoped she saw this as rock bottom. She says "I know, I know' .. which I fear is shorthand for "quit talking"

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Posted: February 20, 2020, 9:07 PM


Posts: 277
Joined: December 23, 2018



Awww Jupiter - and she is just sailing on.... Family Court is a lot different than Criminal or Civil court. The Judge is not going to allow an endless list of biased witnesses to counter attack the other party's biased witnesses. The court will listen to doctors, mediator, & will probably accept school records (I was a court manager in CA for 31 years). Try not to let her reel you back into her mess. My son got custody of his children because their mother physically abused them. They went back & forth to court for 5 years, the court never changed custody back & would give mom more or less visitation how she was acting.

I would get physically ill every time they were back in court for their nonsense.... ((((hugs)))) to you!!!
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Posted: February 20, 2020, 11:46 PM


Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019



Juniper so sorry to hear this bad news...I don't think your daughter gets it really (as you know I'm sure) it all wouldn't have gotten this bad if she did. Sadly, her addiction is her priority and everything else comes a very distant 2nd. Without you, I'm sure her life would be pretty deteriorated.
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Posted: February 21, 2020, 3:35 PM


Posts: 224
Joined: December 21, 2018



Manipulation is one of THE major characteristics of an addict or alcoholic probably because their life depends on favors wether it's money, rides, shelter or in this case babysitting. Long term addicts/alkies wind up becoming a grifter since they're always positioning themselves for favors. They're constantly 'selling' their life/needs.

Here the alkie doesn't ask direct but tries to drum up sympathy hoping you'll voluntarily offer something like money or ride. I've learned to let them ask for every little thing and it cuts down requests.

Sounds like they'll be few winners after this custody fight.
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Posted: February 29, 2020, 3:36 AM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



"Addicts lie"

My daughter's trial for custody was Thursday. Her father, his wife, and myself were there to support her. However during her testimony we were asked to leave because it was too difficult for her to testify in front of us.

I am now trying to obtain a copy of the testimony we missed to get a full picture.

A friend of hers who was in the courtroom has been sharing a little of what was said. I am concerned that my daughter's judgment is poor and she is endangering my granddaughter.

The result of the trial is that K has B 2-3 days a week, wears a scram, and an adult member of our family must be with them overnight.

I don't question K's dedication to B. I'm sure she loves her, but I think K loves alcohol and the party life more.
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Posted: February 29, 2020, 10:29 AM


Posts: 1661
Joined: June 27, 2016



It sounds like its time to say "it is what it is" You wish K's life was different, but it isn't.

Look at it as a break for K. Time for her to get into a routine to focus on Work and School. Don't try to make things happen that feel like you are putting a square peg in a round hole. If it feels uncomfortable, don't do it. I'm just thinking ahead to whatever situations might come up - who knows what that will be.

If K isn't up to having an overnight visit, then B goes back to the ex. If you swoop in and take K's responsibility as your own, then she wont feel the consequences of her decisions. Are there rules about B staying at your home? maybe there can be a separate rule for grandparents visit. that way you are not intertwined with K's visits.

A lot has happened in a short amount of time. My advice is to keep things simple. Having more time on her hands could give K the opportunity to go to meetings or start an outpatient program. It may take time for her to come to terms with it.

When my son was in active addiction over the past 6 years we did a lot of things to make his life less stressful. Our efforts did not help him be a better person. the recovery center has.



This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 29, 2020, 10:47 AM
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Posted: March 1, 2020, 2:18 PM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



Thanks Florida.

I fall into catastrophic thinking.. I need to get back to Al-Anon on regular basis.

I have a few good friends who have been just wonderful through this. And this forum is a godsend for me. So, thank you to all for listening and sharing your thoughts and experiences.

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Posted: March 2, 2020, 11:20 AM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



K has not hit rock bottom. She's wearing an alcohol monitoring device, has lost her job, has supervised over night visits with her daughter. After B went back to her dad's, K left last night to go see a friend, then texted at midnight to say she was coming home in morning. I texted back "why" and she said "Because I want to." Probably the most honest exchange we've shared in months.

I see her choosing her party life over her daughter.. but as my son reminded me "You can't rewrite someone else's priorities, and you can't build a relationship with someone who is not honest with you."

This post has been edited by Jupiter2 on March 2, 2020, 11:23 AM
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Posted: March 2, 2020, 11:15 PM


Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019



Yes juniper as hard as it is, her life is her addiction for whatever reason. Its been really hard for me to understand with my daughter why she keeps choosing the path where she has lost and keeps losing things. She has so much potential and opportunity probably much like your daughter and all our kids really.
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Posted: March 5, 2020, 12:45 PM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



This week has been like scalding off my top level of skin. I am seeing things much more clearly now.. so much I was assuming / avoiding / denying. I'm addressing my own need to control what I cannot control.. I struggle with the difference between enabling and supporting.

My daughter and I are so different, in terms of priorities and values. I do not like her and I do not agree with her judgment. But I do love her and want to help her however I can without dictating a life plan.

This is difficult and heartbreaking. And she may have to fall much further before she hits her bottom.

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Posted: March 7, 2020, 1:01 AM


Posts: 56
Joined: March 20, 2018



Hello Jupiter, Addiction is heartbreaking. It's so hard to see the babes we brought into this world suffer from such a horrible disease, hurting themselves and everyone in their path. I'm glad you're able to see things a bit clearer now. I too struggle with enabling. I hate addiction but love my son so much. Take care xo

--------------------
I read all the parenting books, we played together, they played with friends. I was there for them before and after school, they played hockey and soccer, we went on holidays. I thought I was doing it right.
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Posted: March 7, 2020, 10:46 AM


Posts: 1661
Joined: June 27, 2016



Regarding someone else’s priorities. My son is working part time. He got a few hundred from tax return. Great! Enough to have a little extra each week or start saving. Nope, Instead he bought clothes, a tv that he does not need as he is in a hotel, but someone was selling it, a good deal... and so on. He has two teeth that urgently need to be seen by a dentist since October. Not a priority?

He had a DWI last year, spent time in jail for it. Now owes court fees, priority? Nope he does not want to give his $ to the court (‘why should they get it’ he says). He had to go to a victim impact class. He says he went in January. But has lost the paper certificate which he needs to bring to court with the $ at end of March. Nice job, son. Responsible would be to mail it to us right away, or at least take a picture of it. Aside thought - it cost me $100 for him to take the class. They email a receipt right away, they can’t email the certificate!!! He can only get a new certificate by physically going back to the location when they have a class in session. Not an easy task on public transportation. It takes him two hours to get to the location. . This is the type of situation that keeps life complicated.
Yet, it isn’t that complicated!

Half of his tax return I had deposited into a local bank account that he does not have access to. We decided it would be for paying bills only (Verizon). I have asked him to direct deposit 100 per paycheck, and he has to call the bank to get login information and login to Verizon, and give me the information. Then I will login and pay Verizon bill each month. Only until he gets better with not spending. Nope has not followed thru. I am joint on the account. I am temped to go to bank and take most of it out in case he manages to log in or use an old debit card. I don’t know if he has one. on one hand I want to stay out of it. On the other hand I want to be proactive and stop the usual stupidity from happening. Because eventually it trickles down to me.

He thinks it is a sure thing that this part time job will become full time. Of course it could be no job at any time. He isn’t thinking ahead. If it does become full time he will have more in his pocket to spend. Not a good thing. Still won’t do the direct deposit......

My current plan is to not answer my phone this week.

Sorry about so much detail. I don’t have to think about any of these details with my other two children.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 7, 2020, 11:08 AM
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Posted: March 7, 2020, 11:20 AM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



Jupiter I’m so sorry to hear it’s been a tough week. It’s so amazing to me how things ebb and flow. And how during the lows it really can be challenging. Please remember above all else to take care of you. The beauty in all of this is that you have awareness around your own part in the disease and can choose something else...even if it’s hard. Getting to a few al Anon meetings should help quell some of the discomfort and at the very least help you re-direct your focus. Please remember just because you set boundaries, put yourself first- doesn’t mean you love B or K any less. In fact it quite the opposite. Sending you big hugs.
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Posted: March 7, 2020, 2:14 PM


Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019



I just don't intervene in my daughter's life anymore. I do encourage her to look into some of the free programs I've found. Probably about 6-8 months ago. She finally called one and no dog and no methadone. So that was it for her. She knows I would keep her dog for her but they are joined at the hip. Its very sad I would be running to these places no matter what. She thinks if she comes and lives with me things will be so much better. I can't do it and I tell her I cant. I can't live with her addiction.
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Posted: March 7, 2020, 9:27 PM


Posts: 1661
Joined: June 27, 2016



Sallyanna. I guess I reached my breaking point a year ago. I can not let my son live with us. It is too soon. He has come home a few times for court dates. It makes me anxious for days before and after. He called today and talked about his to do list for next week and did not ask for $. Actually said I could take some from the joint account. To pay back for a few things I paid in January. I dont mind logging in to pay his bill with his money. I will not be going to any effort beyond that. Anything that reminds me of what I did in the past is off the table.

It is a slow recovery on both sides. I hope your daughter accepts help.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 7, 2020, 9:27 PM
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