My Fiancé Is An Alcoholic And I’m Ready To Leave
Posted: January 24, 2020, 10:23 PM


Posts: 1663
Joined: June 27, 2016



You said a phrase that fits me perfectly - inability to maintain my boundaries. I didn't want to admit it. but once you said it, it is clear as day. I am strong and smart about everything except when my son asks for something.... I melt.

You might be surprised at how much extra money you have when you are on your own. I saw a dramatic difference over the last 8 months when my son is not living with us. It was slow shedding the extra expenses, but each month I had a little more in savings. Currently, I'm disappointed with myself bc over the holidays we let our guard down and gave a few gifts,which let to a few more expenses....

Cheers! To a new chapter in life! : )

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 24, 2020, 10:30 PM
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Posted: January 24, 2020, 11:18 PM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



NYToFlorida... I hope you can find compassion for yourself with the awareness of boundaries and what that looks like for you. If the Alcoholic in my life was my daughter I’m not sure how good I would be around boundaries, bc I’ve let my partner overstep mine time and time again. Even in this moment as he just came home from the bar, I’m faced with the reality that my enabling created the perfect storm for him to disregard my boundaries. I can’t wait to be out of here and put this behind me. Just as I’m sure you are glad certain days are behind you. You are a strong human. A mother’s love is a gift. Our capacity to love and show up as fiercely as we do is a demonstration of that. I’m grateful my daughter is an adult and that my partner didn’t show up in my life until she was well off to college. I couldn’t imagine putting a child through this. Anyway, when someone has betrayed our love, our wellbeing and hurt us, it’s hard not to forget and even harder to forgive. In this moment, I’m watching my soon to be ex-partner caught up in his disease and it brings tears to my eyes because I have compassion for him in his disease. I can’t imagine the pain he feels or the anxiety and stress he faces daily that makes him want to drink. I’m just grateful that is not how I cope. And I can’t help him. When I’m gone he will blame me, he may even drink himself to death, ruin what he has built for himself. All I know is I can’t control it. It’s out of my hands now and I have to give it to my higher power.

This post has been edited by Hopeful11 on January 25, 2020, 2:57 AM
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Posted: January 27, 2020, 3:39 AM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



I did it... I left. Friday he came home, belligerent, aggressive (again), he’s been on this weekly binge off and on for two weeks. Anyway, I knew it wasn’t good, so I grabbed a bag and left. I was in a hotel for two nights... this whole thing is costing so much. Anyway, today I moved all of my stuff out. I can barely stand, I feel a tremendous amount of grief and sadness but I have peace. What makes me anxious is I’m worried about him, that’s my disease and why I’m in Al-Anon.
Before I left, I kept hearing I would romanticize things to try to fill the void of sadness. I Can’t help but miss the moments of peace, the simple daily stuff and all the times he actually got sober for long periods but I don’t miss the disease and what it does to him when he relapses and binges. He’s another person and I keep reminding myself of this. I have such a long road. I’m scared and I know I’ll be ok but why does addiction have to cause everyone involved so much suffering. Sending you all prayers for peace and gratitude in my heart for care.
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Posted: January 27, 2020, 10:12 AM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



I am so proud of you for standing up for you!! Walk the greenway, hang out in coffee shops, catch up on reading.. and most of all notice all the other people solo.

I've found its very easy to pay attention to the couples you see during times like this.

Thinking of you and your new normal!!
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Posted: January 27, 2020, 7:33 PM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



Thank you Jupiter. Two weeks before my new job starts so I’ll have plenty of time to take care of myself if I choose. Today began with reading Courage to Change, tea, yoga and al Anon. Have another meditation/recovery meeting tonight. Trying to stay present and not distract in order to not feel and also trying to take care of myself and not dwell. *sigh... letting go.
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Posted: January 28, 2020, 12:29 AM


Posts: 1663
Joined: June 27, 2016



Great! It will take time for your body and mind to move out of the Fight or Flight stage of anxiety. your self care program sounds like just the right thing. nice that you have some time to relax before starting the new job!
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Posted: January 28, 2020, 3:02 AM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



Thank you NY... I think you’re right. Feels like my nervous system is still in hyper drive. I’m oscillating between grief and relief... breathing deep helps and remembering to eat. Still numb but also grateful. I keep thinking about all the women and women with children out there who don’t have an option to leave and find safety. I didn’t think I did either and the moment I asked for help, it showed up. It makes me want to weep that there are good humans out there who care. Anyway, I’m being reminded this week that I’m not alone.
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Posted: January 29, 2020, 12:55 AM


Posts: 148
Joined: November 10, 2019



Hopeful so happy to read you have left and are moving in a positive direction in your life. You have strength and courage!!! Wishing you all the best!
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Posted: January 29, 2020, 1:08 AM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



Thanks Sally. Trying to hold onto that strength. Today was hard, all I wanted to do was reach out and make sure he was ok... there goes my disease again, wanting to help him because he’s in a vulnerable place but it’s not my job. And it hurts to watch someone hit bottom from afar and not do anything about it. Been calling on all my supports today, went to two meetings, just trying to remind myself to eat and use the bathroom, all the basic functions. One foot in front of the other... that’s all I have right now. But then again, that’s all any of us has really.
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Posted: February 6, 2020, 9:19 PM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



I start my new job in four days. Hard to believe that only a couple weeks ago I was in the midst of chaos and prior to that I was looking for work. Now I have a place to stay and a job, I’m so grateful for that, for being safe and I’m watching myself dismantle my codependency and interrupt major patterns of behavior, all while missing my partner and the times we shared that were “good”. It’s a strange place to be; to know he’s not good for me and I have to focus on me. It’s challenging to put the focus on myself. The ugly face of addiction and the impact the disease has on the entire family is so unbelievably sad and uncomfortable to confront.
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Posted: February 6, 2020, 11:16 PM


Posts: 148
Joined: November 10, 2019



Hopeful you have come a long way in a really short period of time. You are doing great! Awareness is the first step to change and I can tell you have learned so much about yourself and are much more aware. Congratulations on your new job too!!! Being independent is so important. It probably all feels like a new pair of shoes you are breaking in. Taking good care of yourself is key as you well know. I'm very happy for you!
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Posted: February 7, 2020, 5:43 PM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



Thanks Sallyana, I appreciate you. Feeling a lot today. I hope you have a good weekend.
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Posted: February 8, 2020, 12:26 AM


Posts: 363
Joined: November 16, 2017



Hopeful, you should be super proud of all you have accomplished. It is not easy to break out of those old habits. It is exciting reading about your progress. Keep up the positive steps. Who knows what lies ahead for you?
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Posted: February 8, 2020, 1:18 AM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



Thanks Parenting... you’re right it is hard to break old habits. I wish I could say I was out of the weeds, alas I’m a work in progress. I still text him to see how he is doing and respond to his texts, and I still have moments where I ask myself the what ifs, “what if he gets help”, “if he wants to get help and wants to work on his stuff then maybe we can be together”.... I really just wish I didn’t contemplate any of the aforementioned. My prayer is that I will continue to be strong and let go to let god and stop this inner self loathing and suffering. I’m tired of crying and feeling the grief that this disease has caused. Anyway, that’s where I’m at and thanks for whomever is listening. Grateful for this space.
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Posted: February 8, 2020, 10:32 PM


Posts: 277
Joined: December 23, 2018



Hopeful, we are all very proud of you for taking that very difficult step for YOU & your future!! Good luck & don't forget to keep us all updated on how you are doing. You can concentrate on your new job & be the best YOU you can be!

We are still here for you & you have taken your first step!!!
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Posted: February 9, 2020, 5:11 PM


Posts: 363
Joined: November 16, 2017



Yes, it is definitely a process. It takes time. Try not to be hard on yourself.

Even with a child, you go through this grief and the process of trying to do what it is right.

The problem is that love is churned up and spit out by addiction. But, our hearts don't always know that. : (

Keep moving forward one day at time!
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Posted: February 14, 2020, 5:43 PM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



Thanks Parenting. It’s been a process for sure and those of us who have loved ones who are addicts/alcoholics are impacted in ways that unimaginable to say the least. One day at a time in deed, practicing loving kindness toward myself. I just completed my first week of work and I am so grateful for this new beginning. I’m still letting go and mourning what once was but finding more acceptance. I’m also remembering that god’s plan, the universe’s plan may be a bigger plan for my life and how can I not be grateful for that possibility. I sometimes think faith in things we cannot see yet is the only thing we can hold onto and in many ways a saving grace for those of us who have at times been in a state of hopelessness. Here’s to having the courage to hope and for finding strength through faith. Big hugs to you all.
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Posted: February 18, 2020, 12:08 AM


Posts: 60
Joined: December 17, 2019



It’s been almost a month since I left my partner who is an alcoholic. Tomorrow will be my second week at my new job and my temporary space is convenient to both my own co dependent recovery and to the commute for work. I feel like I’ve made so many strides but then I went and spent the weekend with my partner who I haven’t completely cut ties with. One thing is for sure, I refuse to move back. He doesn’t seem to be doing much recovery work and I’m pretty sure he’s drinking regularly. In any event, I’m struggling with fully letting go and feel my own manipulation with regard to contributing to a narrative of hope with him. I keep saying if you can get help and commit to your recovery I’m in when the fact of the matter is I don’t think I am. I don’t believe he will change therefore there’s a huge part of me holding on because that is my addiction and struggle (codependency). And it’s really challenging. I keep re- reading the list of all the reasons why it won’t work, meetings help and focusing on a new job but I’m finding the weekends are hard. I feel like the alcoholic or addict that is so entrenched in the disease that watching myself hold onto our relationship makes me sad. I keep saying it out loud to people because I’m hoping I will wake up out of this and finally hold myself accountable. And cut the ties once and for all. Trying to be strong, but sometimes it’s just hard to be. Thanks for listening if you’re reading ...
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Posted: February 18, 2020, 10:24 AM


Posts: 277
Joined: December 23, 2018



It is hard to break away from someone you love. Keep trying & keep working on your own co-dependency. Bring it up at your meetings. But I do know addicts will say ANYTHING to keep you from leaving. Every time my small family would get fed up with my addict son, he'd call crying & begging for help. Problem was, he didn't want rehab help, he wanted money from whomever he was talking to. He's a smart guy, he learned that calling crying breaks our hearts & figured out that everyone would do anything to help him. He said he didn't have money for rehab so I found free/low cost places.

I'm sure you know this, but going back & spending the weekend your partner reopened your wound. Even though you keep promising that IF he/she gets help you proved that you'd hang out even without it. But keep working on it. Keep track of the empty promises & they things happening that you hate. See if they outnumber the kept promises... Good luck to you, you are moving in the right direction
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Posted: February 18, 2020, 4:48 PM


Posts: 363
Joined: November 16, 2017



It is a process and it is difficult. I really think we KNOW things before our hearts will let go. You know it is not good for you and you know the healthier you get, the less in common you will have the alcoholic. Keep moving forward and keep open to new things happening.

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