Do I Issue An Ultimatum?
Posted: April 21, 2016, 5:42 AM

Posts: 4
Joined: April 21, 2016

Posting here as I want the opinions of addicts or recovering addicts of cannabis.

My partner of three years smokes weed every day. We've been back and forth many times but he's out of money for the next two weeks and wants to use the opportunity to try and quit. We've been here before. I don't have much hope this time, in two weeks when pay day comes I know what will happen. My question is, what do I do when it does?

We have a one year old daughter. He has two young sons from a previous relationship. He is a great father and he works 40 hours a week and provides for us but we don't have any luxuries. We live to survive and rarely have anything *nice* aside from the odd takeaway or a meal out if I find coupons or vouchers. I'm a great mother. A caring step mother, and a great partner. I'm a good person. I deserve to be loved and treated as such. I feel like he is more in love with weed than he is with me. From the minute he gets home from work he's outside smoking. He comes in to eat dinner, then he's back out, comes in to wash up, then he's back out, comes in to iron a shirt, goes back out and then comes in to have a bath and go to bed. I sit there wishing and willing him to sit and have a conversation with me. If I insist he just sits there glassy eyed recounting a funny video he saw online. It's not like the man I fell in love with, we would always stay up late talking and generally being in love. I try very hard to maintain our relationship but he doesn't try at all. And he knows he doesn't try, so he smokes more to forget that he's not being a good partner.

I don't know if it's better for my daughter that I accept him as he is, or if I issue an ultimatum. I know what's better for me, but I have to think of the greater good. She loves her daddy. I love him. I wonder if I insisted he either quit or moved out he would have so much resentment for me that he would choose the "other woman" in our relationship who doesn't demand such things of him; weed. He's an angry person. He says he smokes it to suppress angry thoughts but I think it's the weed that actually causes those angry impulses. He's never been violent to me or his children. He's functioning. But I don't understand substance dependence and I'm finding it difficult to deal with. I'm trying to be supportive. I don't nag, I try to talk about it and how he feels and what he's avoiding by smoking it. He knows he isn't treating me how I deserve to be treated. I feel out of principal I need to demand something, just out of respect for myself because I do deserve more. But what if he chooses that and our daughter is the one who's punished ultimately? But then again, if he chooses that over his loving partner and children what kind of a father or partner is he.

Just looking for some guidance. Do you feel ultimatums worked if they were serious enough? Did they make you resent the person? He hates that he's addicted and wants to be in a place where he occasionally has a joint like I would occasionally, maybe once every two months, have a couple of glasses of wine. But, he doesn't want to do the hard work. He doesn't want to go through the withdrawals and ultimately he is in love with it, more in love with it than he is with me I feel sometimes.
Posted: April 24, 2016, 7:30 AM

Ultimatum never works. For some not even getting in trouble with the law makes a difference. I feel for you because I have a grandson who is deprived of even getting a haircut professional due to all money going to weed. They all mom and dad as well as 5 year old live in one room with her parents. And after some remarks in regards to our grandsons autism they think THC would benefit him! I would run you deserve much more!
Posted: May 24, 2016, 2:30 PM

Posts: 6
Joined: May 23, 2016

Hi Jess,

I understand the frustration you must be feeling. I'm on day 2 of no weed, and it's extremely tough. I was issued an ultimatum, but I also agreed with what my partner said about the negative effects marijuana is having on my life. Ultimately, I think an ultimatum CAN work, but your partner has to admit the problem and be willing to go through some difficult days.
My partner also smokes, and he mentioned that perhaps someday I'll be able to occasionally smoke, but I told him I don't want to see that as a goal. Whether or not I believe I'll get to that point, I don't want my goal to be "Quit, then start again-but only occasionally."
For me, marijuana makes me lazy, reduces my sex drive, makes me eat like CRAZY, and makes me procrastinate (usually on fb or watching funny videos, as you mentioned your partner does).
I think that you should talk to your partner about your concerns, and explain the strain his smoking puts on your relationship and why you can't continue to put up with the behavior. Offer as much support as he needs, and suggest that he gets support. I'm learning that there's plenty of support available online as well as within the community (Marijuana Anonymous). If he's anything like me, he'll have trouble sleeping and might feel a bit wired/jittery/anxious during the day. I also have been having trouble eating (which is not necessarily a bad thing, as I am now eating a healthy amount of food as opposed to overeating and gaining weight).
If he values you and your future together, he'll try to quit. Don't give up on him if he fails at first, just encourage him to get back on the sobriety horse. If he's unwilling to give it up, then he doesn't deserve you.
Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out!
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