Mental Health With Addiction
Posted: July 16, 2018, 2:25 PM


Posts: 192
Joined: July 6, 2018



My daughter has been addict since 14. She is 30 now. I am trying to detach from her. I have enabled this addiction for too long.
My problem or my quilty conscious says,if part of this is a mental illness how do I walk away.
She has been diagnosed with schizo affective disorder.It may have been caused by the drugs.
Of course every time I tell her I wont do something for her she throws the schizophrenic thing in my face. She is always the grand manipulator.

Her father is a schizophrenic and he never did drugs or alcohol. So my daughter knows exactly which strings to pull to make me dance.
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Posted: July 17, 2018, 7:50 AM


Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015



Walkedon,
Many addicts do have mental health issues. It's hard to know which came first. Did they start doing drugs because of the mental illness or did they develop a mental illness from doing drugs? Hard to say. The one thing that I hold on to is that even if a person has a mental illness, unless it's super extreme, they have a responsibility to take the proper medications, go to therapy, etc..., whatever the case may be. There are many people out there that suffer from depression, schizophrenia, anxiety, etc... that treat their illness responsibly and live "normal" fulfilling lives. Our addicts will use any excuse to be able to use.
My son is 32 and for years has used the excuse that drugs are the only thing that makes him be able to function, which is a laugh, since he is currently homeless and lives with a friend in some woods in town.
You can detach from your daughter. It gets easier with time. It doesn't mean you can't have contact. It means that it's on your terms, not hers. I see my son every couple weeks in a parking lot somewhere. I still give him advice but I don't do it for him. For years I would set up appointments, just to have him miss them. I'd get up and take him to a job, just to have him lose it after a month. I'd deal with walking on eggshells in my own home, just to have him punch holes in my wall. Finally, his dad and I had enough and made our home our sanctuary. We made our lives first. We know that he may never quit drugs so it's important for us to live our lives.
I wish you all the best. Take care.

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Michelle
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Posted: July 17, 2018, 11:28 AM


Posts: 327
Joined: November 16, 2017



Wow, yes! Everything Shell said. For over a year, because of his age and also his comments (exactly as Shell's son), I would do all Shell did (could be my post). A lightbulb went off when I sought out a counselor concerning the verbal abuse. I was discussing why I tolerate it, and explaining it was my son, not a boyfriend (who I certainly would have kicked out). She shared that she had a severely autistic son, who would hit. She explained that the autism was not an excuse, even for him. It is STILL not okay. She went into detail about her life experience, but that really stuck with me. It does not have so much to do with the addict, as it does with US. No matter the cause, the behaviors is NOT OKAY, whether it is abuse, manipulation, using us for money, etc. So, we have to develop healthy boundaries for us. We are not really even doing anything TO the addict. We are simply taking care of us. Really, really, truly, we can do NOTHING. In the end, we are just enabling and disrespecting ourselves. Shell, thanks for the post! It helped me as well.
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Posted: July 17, 2018, 3:34 PM


Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015



P2,
I'm glad you got something out of my post. Yes, you're so right, it if was anyone else doing these things to us, we would kick them to the curb. One of the best things we can do for us and our addicts is to set our boundaries and stand firm in them. I'm the first to admit that I find myself slipping back to old ways once in awhile but now I check myself and get right back on track.
Hugs

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Michelle
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Posted: July 17, 2018, 9:40 PM


Posts: 192
Joined: July 6, 2018



I'm trying to walk that line between enabling and helping. I talked to my daughter this evening. She is obviously having a delusional episode. Im scheduled to go on a vacation in three days. I refuse to let her screw this up for me.
That sounds harsh but I cant do this any more.Something has to give
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Posted: July 18, 2018, 5:51 PM


Posts: 375
Joined: October 25, 2016



Walkedon, mine was also diagnosed with a similar mental illness. His Meth and drug use is no help. I think it caused most of his mental problems. He uses his diagnosis to rationalize everything he does. His bad choices are not his fault according to him. Even his friends don’t buy it anymore. I have been through so many episodes with him I can’t remember them all. It does get to be too much. I was on the verge of a breakdown myself and had PTSD when I finally decided I had enough. I felt like I would die (literally) if I had to go through anymore stress. It is a hard place to be and I am sorry you are there. Go on vacation and trust things will workout without you there. Might not be a great result but you can’t be there for your daughter her whole life .. maybe time for her to start figuring out things herself. Lord knows it is hard to let things just happen.

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BUGS
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Posted: July 19, 2018, 10:39 AM


Posts: 192
Joined: July 6, 2018



Ugh...My phone started ringing at 830 this morning.My daughter screaming at me on the other end. Her electricity was turned off and she needed cigs NOW.
She wants to know what my plan is,where is she supposed to go.She says shes going to pack a bag and start walking in to the woods. Then of course she throws in she will start prostitution again.
This is all my fault, thats what she says. The bad part is, I start to believe her. Then I remember everything that I have done for her. It was never enough.
She knows which buttons to push on me. I wish I could find those buttons and rip them off.

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Posted: July 19, 2018, 11:36 AM


Posts: 327
Joined: November 16, 2017



I can relate. She is full of it. And, she knows exactly what she is doing-manipulating to get her way.

Turn off your phone or block her, and go on vacation. I bought some of this when my son was underage. Gradually, I realized he was completely manipulating me, and I was in a very unhealthy situation. Through reading, these message board, and in-person groups, I was able to finally start seeing what a load of crap this stuff is.

She is an adult. She needs to figure this out. And, yes, she has challenges, but she has to own those challenges and decide what to do about them. She has plenty of places she can call.

It is SO hard. I just did it with my son. But, you have to really, and almost harshly put this bull back where it belongs. In THEIR life. And, I understand you worry about consequences. I do with my son. But, they are their consequences and they are not from us setting boundaries. They are from their choices. Even if mental illness plays a role, they have to learn to navigate it. We cannot do it for them.

Big hugs! Please try to detach and go on vacation. love, me
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Posted: July 19, 2018, 12:09 PM


Posts: 375
Joined: October 25, 2016



One thing that helped me was to look at the grown children of friends. I saw that they are totally different from my son. Respect their parents, talk normally and have regular relationships with others. They don’t scream at their parents or demand instant gratification. They have jobs and goals. No threats, intimidation or manipulation. They were given mostly the same opportunity for success but turned out so different. That means we were either really terrible parents or something is wrong with our child. I used to think it had to be something we did wrong .. it was our fault somehow.

Recently I was going through all our old photos. They used to make me cry but now I see all the yearly memories and they make me glad we had those times. It also reminded me that we did all the same things as other parents. My son was not raised badly. Maybe we could have done some things differently but generally he had a good childhood up until he started acting out. Then it became difficult to maintain a normal life. It became a day by day fight against the enemy that was changing him into someone I didn’t know. It was hard to create new family memories because he became isolated from the family unit. An alien in our midst.

I now feel that we did what we were supposed to do as parents. I am not sure we could have stopped the change in him. I am not sure he will ever change from the person he is today. All I can do is remember all those good times and know he remembers them too .. and let him go.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on July 19, 2018, 12:18 PM

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BUGS
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Posted: July 19, 2018, 1:07 PM


Posts: 192
Joined: July 6, 2018



Thanks for the support everyone. I called my daughters social worker,asked him to check in on her.
If she is having a break down maybe he can convince her to do something.
I am definitely going on my vacation. I'm going to sit on the dock and enjoy the views of Maine. What ever happens,is going to happen where I am.
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Posted: July 19, 2018, 1:45 PM


Posts: 327
Joined: November 16, 2017



That is great to hear. Enjoy your much needed break!
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Posted: July 20, 2018, 5:39 PM


Posts: 192
Joined: July 6, 2018



Two days before I leave for my vacation another crisis happens. My kid calls crying Mom help me help me. She doesnt have any food. No electricity and no car.
I tell her the only answer I have. Mental hospital and rehab. She is refusing because she is not on"drugs".Even though 5 minutes before she told she did meth 3 days ago. I keep repeating rehab is the only answer I have..I'm saying it more for me then her.
She keeps begging me to help.Then tells me how alone she is and how she needs her mother. I asked what is she going to do if I die tommorow.
I wonder how much longer this mess can go on.
I know I'm rambling. I'm just trying to convince my self that I'm right
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Posted: July 20, 2018, 6:43 PM


Posts: 375
Joined: October 25, 2016



She might be able to get emergency food stamps. There should be a United Way or social services number she can call ... something like 311. Not sure about your state. There are emergency shelters for women. Not sure what it takes to get into those and they probably have to be off drugs. Mental hospital will take them if they are in crisis or having a Meth delusion. They have to be a danger to themselves or others.

It is hard when they beg. They know mom will provide. Makes me cringe just hearing you say that. As long as you are on the merry go round, this will not stop. There will always be a promise of a new job or something to keep you on a string and giving. I know that because I have been where you are. I really have no answers just offering support.

I changed my phone number when I just couldn’t listen to any more of my son’s problems and realized I could not say ‘no’ consistently. I admit that I was easily manipulated. He had my email address but it is kind of hard to yell at a person in an email. Not as effective. It is easier to ignore than screaming, begging or freaking out on the phone or voice mail. I was getting calls and texts constantly.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on July 20, 2018, 6:57 PM

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BUGS
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Posted: July 20, 2018, 9:12 PM


Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016



a few months ago my son was ready to quit drugs and was trying over several weeks. the insomnia of many days made withdrawal unbearable for him. -- the end result was go to hospital emergency room. I had to tell him I am not an expert. he needs to go where the right people can help him.

I was at work when he texted and said he needed to go somewhere. I told him to call the help line he had the phone number, and also to call a local rehab place he was thinking of going to. they all said to go to hospital.

he stayed a few days in detox and 2 weeks in rehab. this was really the easiest and cheapest route. and he said he had good care - therapy wise. comfort wise - the hospital AC was freezing, food was ok, no smoking for 3 weeks.

He wanted to do it on his own, but this route was better. he met people at the hospital who told him things he needed to hear. they got him set up with the recovery center, meetings, and proper medical care which he has continued to do.

The services are there for your daughter. she knows that - she has a social worker - she just needs to 'get out of her own way' and ask for help.

your mantra to your daughter -> call the social worker, go to hospital, call the mental health help line and then call social worker to let them know she will be in hospital and follow up with her. Since she has a social worker, they should be able to get her on list for housing, disability, food stamps... etc... you probably know this better than I do ….

side story: one of the dark days of the winter, my husband and I were leaving for the weekend to a ski house with friends. We had the car packed, just ready to walk out the door. Son calls and text - he needed gas and had no money. we were on the fence for a minute - do we stay home or leave. we told him theres gas in the garage and we left him $20 on the counter. we did not want to enable, but we didn't want to ruin our weekend sitting home for nothing. so the $20 was our token to get out of town and don't look back.
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Posted: July 20, 2018, 9:48 PM


Posts: 192
Joined: July 6, 2018



I have made arrangements for her to have food and turned the power back on for a month. Just so I can have some peace. I know Im just delaying this but sometimes I just need a break or some time to get my strength back.
I've told my other daughter where to take the addict and the crisis number if things get worse.
She won this round but the war isn't over.
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Posted: July 21, 2018, 12:35 AM


Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016



I would say the score is 1 - 1. Don't dwell on it. before you would have just fixed it. Now you fixed it for a legit reason. to save your sanity. You will now have peace and quiet for your vacation. when you get back home, keep minimizing your enabling and push her to become self sufficient. tell her the goal - to use social services more so she can be independent, and you both can have a better relationship. it is best for her and you. convince her (and yourself) it sounds easier than it is. It is a long road once she gets on the right path.




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Posted: July 21, 2018, 4:09 PM


Posts: 192
Joined: July 6, 2018



One day til vacation. Daughter still crying Mom help me. When i ask her what she wants me to do., she says get her out of this town,help her get a place to live. I can't get it through her head that nothing is going to change by moving. She will just do the same things again.
When I go to leave she crys don't leave me here alone.
Is this how its supposex to work,because it doesnt seem to be working.I cant talk logically to her.She just doesn't get it
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Posted: July 21, 2018, 6:37 PM


Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hello Walkedon,
You have had good communication with her. Tell her
1. you are going on vacation. It is paid for and you can not cancel it.
2. tell her She is not alone. build up her confidence. ask her to do this for you, so you can rest or what ever, for a few days. Tell her when you will be back and you will call her when you get home.
3. If she has any problems during the week she can call …. Write down a list of phone numbers - give to your daughter to give her. so you don't have to see her.
4. you will not be answering your phone. reception will not be good and you will not be carrying it with you.
5. you will not be able to help her even if she calls you. she needs to call someone on the list to help her --- social worker -- hospital.....
6. if you can get her to admit that she wants help and she can call social worker or hospital while you are away, or you will help her do that when you get back....

7. build up her confidence. SHE CAN DO THIS FOR ONE WEEK! keep telling her she can do this!

she cant think logically - going to the mail box is complicated - keep telling her simple statements - keep repeating - eventually it will sink in when she realizes every plan starts with - go to hospital.

keep it simple - keep repeating - when she wants help - it is there - she knows who to call.









This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 21, 2018, 6:41 PM
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Posted: July 21, 2018, 6:45 PM


Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016



in 2015 my son was in FL, I was in NY. he was homeless for a few weeks - calling for $20 several times a week. we would end up either yelling at each other, venting, or both crying on the phone. The week of Christmas we frantically called rehabs and found one near him with sober living. he said - I don't care about me. I will do this for you, mom.

I could hear his thinking change - from feeling helpless to saying 'yes, I can do this for you'

he also said " maybe some day I will do this for myself"

That day might be here - 3 years later. he has been in recovery for 2 months. he is still going to meetings, is finding new friends, has picked up some work. he is happy today.


2 months ago he wanted to quit doing drugs - mostly abusing rx meds. He thought he could withdrawal himself. it was complicated. insomnia was too hard to handle. It took him 2 weeks to give in and agree that he needed help.

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When talking to your daughter - flip the story a little bit -- tell her she is not a failure for needing the medical support at a hospital. it is easy to wait for something to change, hard for her to make the first steps, tell her you know it will be the most difficult part of recovery.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 21, 2018, 6:53 PM
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Posted: July 21, 2018, 7:03 PM


Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016



Ask your other daughter or someone you can depend on to give your addicted daughter a call each day to see how she is doing - or stop by if there is someone she is comfortable with.
they can text you. All you need is a "She's OK Today".
so you don't worry.


I re-read some of your posts - when she says 'Mom help me' tell her you are helping her - house, food, cigs.... she needs medical experts to help with her illness - tell her you have tried, but you are not an expert -- she needs to go to them -- it will take time - eventually she will feel better -- you will be happy and proud of her when she takes those steps

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 21, 2018, 7:08 PM
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