Dealing With Adult Daughter And Drinking
Posted: January 12, 2020, 12:45 AM

Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020

My daughter, Katie, recently moved back in with me (along with her 3 year old, Bella) after breaking up with Bella's dad. I fully supported the breakup.. even though i have a good relationship with him. I have some rental property that Katie will be renting from me once I fix a few things.

Katie has had a problem w/alcohol since her teens (shes in early 30s). She was off alcohol while pregnant.. but her friends, social life, and, until recently, profession, revolves around alcohol. She is going to school taking a few classes per semester while she works. So I thought she was on the right track.

Bella stays half time with dad, half time with mom. Katie and her SO have an agreement that they will not drink when they have Bella.. something she has broken on for at least 2 occasions that I know of. Where she had been drinking, came home and her SO dropped Bella off with Katie still tipsy.

I have fallen back into my co-dependent pattern.. calling her when she disappears for the night (on nights when Bella is with her dad), explaining to her that if she keeps this up she could end up losing custody, etc etc

Last night Bella was here.. Katie was putting her to bed and said Bella wanted me to rock her to sleep.. (something I do often).. I said yes, and when I took Bella, Katie said she wanted to go talk with a friend for a while. I told her she needed to stay home until Bella fell asleep.. and she did not need to disappear for the night. She said ok, would only be a short while.. and after Bella was sleeping, she left.

11:40 Katie texted me that she was on her way home. at 12:50 I texted her and asked where she was. no response. I texted her friend who did not immediately respond. Katie came home around 1:30, I told her Bella deserved her (Katie) to be the best mother she could be, and this was not her best.

Katie's friend texted a little later to tell me she had not seen Katie for a couple of weeks.. so obviously Katie had lied. I woke Katie up and asked her to come into my room to talk.. I could tell she had been drinking.. and i proceeded to tell her i knew she had lied to me. Long story short, we didn't get anywhere. I went to bed furious, she fell back to sleep.

This morning Katie got up and said "you need to stop tracking me down and checking up on me"

And, she is right. If it was just Katie..I would tell her to go live where she can afford, and not worry about it. But Bella is involved and that makes me more vested in this situation.

I honestly feel so stupid with my interaction with her. I feel stupid that I'm surprised she lied to me (I have not trusted her in years, but I thought after Bella we had turned a corner). I hate myself for becoming this nagging shrew.. I know I need to disengage, but I hesitate because of Bella.

And I know renting her this place I've bought is not the best idea. We live in a high cost city, and my thought was it would keep things consistent for my granddaughter (to be close to school, work, both sets of grandparents, and Bella's dad) ... rather than Katie having to move 30 miles away where she could afford full rent.

If this sounds all convoluted, it's an accurate reflection of my thinking right now. lol.

Thanks for listening.

This post has been edited by Jupiter2 on January 12, 2020, 12:47 AM
Posted: January 12, 2020, 11:03 AM

Posts: 1678
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hello Jupiter- thank you for sharing. It helps to get some of those thoughts out of your head. It is a tough situation. What you want to do to give your grand daughter a stable environment makes you enable your daughter. The first step is for you to see a councilor who specializes in addiction so you have someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of, who can give you guidance in how to handle things. You may be able to get your daughter involved in an out patient program. I would hesitate to let her rent from you. Maybe stay at your house for a few months while she pays you what the rent would be so you can see that she will stick to paying it. And your grand daughter would be in your house. Otherwise you would be worried about your grand daughter all of the time and still checking up on them. Or, you let k rent from you and let your grand daughter stay at your house when ever they want. Either way you are enabling or letting k do what she wants with you as a safety net... idk which way is best for your sanity!

Many people get stuck in this trap bc of grandchildren.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 12, 2020, 11:05 AM
Posted: January 12, 2020, 11:38 AM

Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020

Good advice.. I had not thought about myself going through counseling (I have some good friends who serve as reality checks).. but that is something I will look into.

I know the rental situation is unwise, and I've been burned by K before in the past on a car I helped subsidize... I'm struggling with whether to put us through that.. but yes, I waffle because of Bella.

After I confronted K about her lying to me, she disappeared again. She showed up last night to grab some clothes, and left without saying much... so I'm not sure exactly what is going on. She gets Bella back tonight, they may be staying with a friend or they may show up here later tonight. I pick Bella up from preschool on Wed and Fri, so, thank goodness, I do have regular contact with her.

Posted: January 12, 2020, 12:36 PM

Posts: 224
Joined: December 21, 2018

Hello Jupiter2. Similar story with an adult alcoholic taking the parent's house for granted using it for what ever and showing up drunk all hours of night. Don't let it go on too much longer without some serious boundaries. Just like Ny2Fla said perhaps make her pay rent, anything on time period. Make it reasonable enough so she could afford it. Have her chip in on utilities as well.

Already over a decade of the same life more or less. Just that kind of time alone makes quitting alcohol or any substance that much harder because as you noted her friends play 'a' role in it. It becomes a way of life and they become codependent on their excessive drinking peers. Believe or not as an adult it's still easy to fall in the wrong crowd. Here the alkie always acts like he's going to miss something or has an 'important' meeting in a bar.

Good Luck, Keep yourself and little one safe
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