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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Lost Sleep

Posted by: DeeA723 February 21, 2017, 8:55 AM
I'm awake cause I have to go to work today. Didn't get much sleep. Spoke to my son yesterday and he said some hurtful things. He said he likes getting high he's gonna get him and even when he's working he'll get high cause that's what he likes. I know it's the stuff he's going through at the moment but I can't take it no more!!! He is only nice and looks for me when he wants something and when he don't get his way he goes off. He says I treat him like a step child cause I don't ask him over. I don't cause he always looks messed up and wants to live with me. He tries to guilt me and blames his addiction on me and my ex husband ( his father) his father ditacthed from him many years ago and don't bother with any of us. My son don't understand that I don't want others to see him in the condition I see him on sometimes. I feel like I'm protecting the love they have for him so they won't hate him if they see him. I don't smile no more I can't think I'm not living just existing. He comes around my job with a aqaiunance now and then and wants to tell me about myself in front of them.he says that when he lives with me I feel some kind of authority.he don't understand that everywhere you go there are rules you must follow. But he don't care and thinks my boss don't mind him coming around. My boss is a nice guy but is getting a little tired of this all. I feel guilty sometimes cause I feel he should be home warm and fed.. but I've tried that a few times and it didn't work. Sorry I'm just talking and feel free to talk here. If I get some advice I would sincerely love to see it. Have a beautiful day God Bless one and all.

Posted by: BugginMe February 21, 2017, 10:16 AM

We are all friends here. We have all been there and felt the same things you are feeling. You should not feel guilty for not letting your son live with you. You have the right to peace in your life and to choose who you associate with in your own space...your home. We gave birth to them but that doesn’t mean we have to be their doormats or care givers the rest of their lives. That is not in the ‘mother’ job description. They try to make us think we are responsible for them and will use everything they can to get what they want from us. You can ask your son to stay away from your work. The police can issue a criminal trespass warning that will keep him away if it comes to that. Your boss might need to request it though. I think it is common for addicts to tell everyone else how terrible they are, especially their mothers. They blame others for their situation when their bad choices are really to blame. Put the blame back where it belongs (on him) and don’t feel guilty because you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. He is the only one that can make the necessary changes in his life to make things better for himself. You should be able to choose how you want to live your life (without his drama) and not feel guilty.

Posted by: DeeA723 February 21, 2017, 10:25 AM
Thank you Dee for reading and caring. It means so much to finically speak to someone that understands. God Bless you

Posted by: NyToFlorida February 21, 2017, 3:37 PM
dee - most of us family members have done what you have done to 'help' their child. When we 'cants do no more' and all we have done has not helped, we need to start focusing on detaching from them and their drama, and turn the focus on us. It is hard to start speaking up for yourself, but you need to start doing so. It made me nervous to speak up bc my son was not used to hearing the word NO.... and we always thought the worst, what if we say No and something bad happens... Surprisingly, the more we said NO, the better he understood and accepted it. and I Felt better about it.

Your son has been to rehab and programs, etc... he knows right from wrong. He will just keep at you to see what he can get. He keeps pushing buttons to see which ones still work. Start showing him that those buttons dont work anymore.

If he is violent, you will have to be your own judge of what or how you want to stand up for yourself.

my turning point was when my son went to sober living house. It gave us the chance to get off the financial hook. he needed to work with the program there, not call us when he needed something. He did have a job and it gave us a chance to disengage long enough that it was easier to say - No, were not doing that anymore.. the more we said it, the more it sank in.

I also saw him taking care of himself at the sober living house and I saw that he was always setting me up to feel sorry for him, etc.... he was pulling the wool over my eyes and getting away with it.. seeing that more and more made me determined to not let him take advantage of us.

We're not perfect either, sometimes we slip up and help them out. but once we see it is the same old stuff, we are quick to stop the 'helping'

YOU matter too. Your feelings matter. Your job matters.

Let us know how you are doing.

It sounds like you are trying to stand your ground, but your son is making you feel guilty.
Do not be guilty. If money and housing and food could change them, they would all be perfect by now!!!

Posted by: DeeA723 February 21, 2017, 4:19 PM
Thank you NyToFlorida. God bless you

Posted by: DeeA723 February 23, 2017, 12:05 PM
I don't know how to NOT let this all consumes my every waking moment. :(

Posted by: NyToFlorida February 25, 2017, 11:02 AM
I know how it consumes every part of your (our) days. even when my son is doing OK for a few months, he lives far away, I don't Really know how he is doing, and I think about it every day. he does not call or talk to us about his life. I don't know if he is trying to be independent by not calling or if there's nothing to talk about.

From what you have shared, I can see that your son is actively IN your life every day. He gives you no chance to NOT think about it. It is a slow process. Keep brain-storming on how you can get your life back. set up one boundary, and when that sticks, think of another.

See if you can find support for YOU in your community. NarAnon.

Boundaries. don't be afraid to tell your son - you have to sleep at night in order to get up and go to work... so Lock the doors, turn off the phone.... etc... Tell him he can not visit you at work.... change your phone # - or do not answer calls that you do not recognize the number.

my son used to do similar manipulating things.... telling us he owes someone $20. we didn't want him owing people, so we would give him $. we trained him to ask us for $$. We had to untrain him. "I did not borrow that $$, I am not paying it back - stop borrowing $ - I am not paying it."

It was a hurtful reality when I was 'helping' him, he called more and more for $$. I realized it was not going to stop and he did not care if I had $$ for MY bills or gas in my car, or car repairs, or decent clothing to wear to work, geesh.

I projected ahead and saw myself with nothing, and he still asking for $$. If I kept giving I would have nothing and he would still be addicted. That is when I was able to stop.

I had to save myself.

Posted by: DeeA723 February 26, 2017, 11:17 AM
Thank you NYtoFlorida.
Last night and this morning was a drain. Feel like I can't move at the moment. My son put himself in detox cause he is homeless hoping they will find him another long term program. I offered him a room but he declined. Which after thinking about it was not a good thing. The people on the phone seemed so nice and I don't want to destroy his life. So I'm taking the offer off the table. He said he would. It be able to look for a job cause he's sick. He admits that he uses still. The one thing he wants is to come home. I can't do that I'm not sleeping with my bag and hiding things so he don't get the urge to steal from me again. I'm so scared and lost today is my day off and I can't even enjoy it. Selfish of me he says. I pray that God will help him he says he's leaving the detox today cause there are no beds at long term so no need to stay there. And he says he's gonna kill himself. I don't know where to turn. Going to find a meeting today in my area. Thanks for listening and I'm putting. God Bless you and yours.